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Mateuš Conrad Jan 2020
i'm reaching my own very secondary hell...
this reach into... something of a nieche,
something of an echo chamber...
something of a jettison approach with regards
to almost everything...
the voice in my throat is no longer
necessary... some variation of:
this ethics and this "philosophy" is a bypass:
it's not a bypass...
i might just as well be "saying":
i haven't read a single book in my life...
which implies: i haven't read the required reading
either...
but i have read several books and...
among the contemporaries alongside
the shared breath... i have a library that's pretty
much a graveyard...
i'm hardly mastering some: in vogue...
old ideas come crashing down while
all the others are kept intact...
perhaps as honest as one can be...
i have... read... books... by... dead... people...
will alexander... a california poet is still
alive... i seem to have...
stuck to the living in the medium of cinema...
and music...
yet i still managed to balance it out
with a nostalgia for old cinema...
and old music, german, folk...
but i'm shy when it comes to:
darwinism explains everything right, and "wrong"...
i'm just practically tired
of being the turkey being shoved
darwinistic idea-stuffing down my throat...
i'm tired of darwinism...
long ago... a "philosopher" would be someone
who... overcame past mistakes...
or whatever...
one of my prime past mistakes?
taking a ****** relationship with frivolity...
if i wasn't using a ******:
she implored: don't use it...
god knows how she missed the *******
impediment to begin with...
i'll take contraceptive pills...
impregnation... phone-call...
i'm pregnant... well... you should get an abortion...
what were the chances that she moved
from novosibirsk to st. petersburg...
to edinburgh... that she would: settled for
moving to the outskirts of London and live...
with the parents of her would be:
father of the child...
and the supposed father being "merely" a roofer...
oh i've learned my lessons since being aged: 21...
the only honest **** these days
is with prostitutes... who are oh so careful about
contraception...
we would even talk about it...
since 21 and i'm nearing 34?
how many relationships apart from...
casually picking up a thai-surprise in a park etc.
how many? to be ensnared by:
a lasp in judgement with regards:
the ****** doesn't bother me...
the ******* does... but i can't be rid of it...
how many relationships?
0... i was given the moral scare from that
one... ahem... "relaxed" relationship...
pro-life implying: there's no guarantee...
this is already: a dollop of mustard on a spoon
as dessert if you please...
since 21 though?
it was always going to be a safe bet...
prostitutes...
hardly "*** slaves" as...
the women i know would not wish upon
themselves... a lottery of impregnation...
there could have been so many ways she could
have ensnared me...
pristine John i ain't...
but this period of time... nearing 13 ******* years...
wow...
wow... it tells you something...
because this pro-life contra pro-choice "debate"...
via: so while i *******... that's perfectly alright
in terms of: imagining a genocide with you?
because it's only life...
when coupled to a woman's body...
i don't like this pro-life argument...
not when there's "sensibility" concerning:
how far along?
contraception, yes...
but there has to be some time-reference
with regards... both parties can admit "oops"...
i don't see a point of:
i ******* there's no pro-life argument...
because i should be ******* "on a whim"...
since i... oh! this is the male argument...
i ******* into you... therefore you have something
of me... therefore you must have it...
oh... i see...
because i honestly don't get it...
if we made an honest mistake...
and you want to ******* into frivolity...
by all means... i'm no chain no baron and you're
no serf... matter of fact... this same girl is on
her third marriage... if i was her first and
we were engaged and she was 19 and i was 21
and, honestly... if you lived a life back in 2007...
it was ripe with magic...

but since then... that phonecall and: i'm pregnant...
and we were already beside being engaged prior...
and i was like: what?
it's not you're going to move down to London
from Edinburgh just for my looks...
she didn't say: i'll get it aborted...
i said: you should get an abortion...
a pro-choice man... at 21 and this litany of
excuses: mind one more?
to not have had ***... i proved that...
me and about 9 prostitutes proved that...
when there's a clarity of transaction...
there's no worry about contraception...
those precuations are prime...
the heart is a feeble liar when the *** is free...
imagine...
due for ***... but there's no...
"gifts"... there's no liar of the heart to mind
when... i have no excuses?
this happened 13 years ago!
i should have hoped to be freed from this...
"conundrum"...

scatological... william f. buckley jr. interviewing
allen ginsberg... and this word crops up...
it's somehow the covert expression fundamental
marker...
scatological... there's this avant garde of
poetics and how...
when poetry ascribes less images and...
teases philosophy...
that's no fair game...
but when philosophy employs short-cuts
with metaphor or imagery...
then words are no longer skeletons
and juiceless prunes... or whatever is demanded...

but that's the problem:
i only managed to love once...
or... rather... **** to the zenith of my efforts...
and bypass the goldberger skin-leash too...
because it was never about being satisfied...
but about seeing: satifaction...
and this old chestnut will haunt me
to the point where i will no longer be a chanced
ghost solo... but a ghost in a story...
and i don't mind the future...
i already know that i'm standing
a plateau plough moment of... resurrection...

for my time is no more linear than
the experience of gravity...
but... since i'm not falling...
and i'm either standing, walking, or sitting?
then time is not so much linear...
as it is circular...
after all: i am bound to a ******* carousel, aren't i
or aren't we all?
i was expecting circular time long
before people conjured up:
a pioneering linear "ontology" of time...
time moves "forward" without
the confines of history and within
the confines of technology!

after all: who to better the spoon!
the improved staff! a crutch!
the improved horse... a talking donkey!
but again and again:
why should my life be so precious
as to stand outside the circular nature
of time... to stand, alone...
in the prized linear...
from beginning middle and end...
why so?

of course the baggage and: if anyone, notably,
myself, should engage in any further
intimacy - beside the brothels' delights...
no... the money the clarity of transaction...
there are no flowers... no anniversaries...
i can't remember the last time i bothered
to celebrate my own birthday...
i tried that once...

what's pro-choice again, in terms of man
and responsibility or simply not *******?
13 years and that same cautionary tale...
i knew i wasn't going to make the same mistake
and relax myself into love...
because i don't think a woman should
be left barren with a pro-choice conundrum...
it's as if: you have to force the choice upon her...
otherwise it's called a golden ring...
and there's this whole flamboyant procession
in a church and two otherwise estranged families
come together and there's all this and that and
the other and afterwards the *****-licking
starts and blue and pink and a baby several months
later...

oh right... the argument it's a blessing
and that irish luck of a spontaneity should you...
when all the other couples are left
limping because of one wooden leg
among the four that should stand ***** and:
oh gaw on gaw on gaw on gaw on mrs doyle -esque?

imagine telling a woman: you should get an abortion...
because those contraceptive pills didn't
exactly do the magic...
and a ******* is already a discomfort when
you decided to learn from the Donatelos of
the boogie nights movie set that
peeling it back... for the aesthetics of a circumcision...
a ****** was the last of my worries...
well that's better than allowing a woman
to make that choice herself...
honest to god and st. patrick the gnostic gnat...

obviously i'm paying the moral consequences
of these words...
was it true is it true... it was a telephone call
and i was already busy trying to...
have to bother not... a chemistry degree is
worth as much as a humanities and this
bilingual status is not really anything
if it's not arabic or... otherwise...

why wouldn't i have made precautions in those
years?
if going to a brothel is a way to escape
the impregnation conundrum?
if for the sake of recreational ***...
*** without consequences... tennis ping-pong ***...
if that's what's being sold...
and not the monogomy quack-**** with
a boquet of moral verbiage...
yes... i made that mistake...
but why would i have a moral authority
over a woman's choice... she ghost jerks-me-off...
we perform genocide of ***** into
tissue... flush down the toilet with
crocodiles and we later baptise ourselves
as dove resurrected coming from the shower
having down the no. 1 no. 2 and no. 3
on the throne of thrones?

did i ask for my phallus to make
it into the ***** shortlist?!
i wouldn't think so either...
i'm no model with either a face or a little richard
for that matter...
perhaps men call it heart-break...
while women should call it...
fried-eggs...

a poultry abortion a day...
keeps the ****-of-cuckoldry away...
at least among professionals there's
never that: oh i like like likey...
let's have ourselves impregnated and then
kumbaya ourselves with: shtrong...

'cause if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it...

oh... i would have...
but... how does this contraceptive contract work?
'cause if you like it, then you shoulda
sly impregnate yourself or what the hell
am i talking about?!

ce-no-bite...
go figure...
because no ******* is some day-dream victim
of the feminist movement...
the ones that are killed, probably are...
if you had enough time to talk to any of them
without priest of psychiatrist nagging you...
lying naked... talking about a 15 minute quickie...
talk, lips, kisses of the eyelids...
inversion of sculpting a crude block of clay...
god's plagiarism etc. etc.,
is this even a celebration: oh yes it's a celebration
when two parties know the perils
and have contraception as their prime
concern...
not some loved-up happenstance
teenagers...
because wisdom is what supposedly happens
when you make a mistake aged 16 and
later, live to be 69 and utter some
*******-wanking's worth of a maxim!

and by god everyone who hasn't read
a philosophy book... thinks that philosophy
happens in old age... that philosophy is not
fashionable for the young... or the middle-aged...
how, old age, philosophy...
dementia... "wisdom"... it's also called
the optical illusion... or the detriment of youth...
since? at least a portion of the lessons
of life must be learned...
beside the technical relax of technical details...
the old lessons of life persist...
and these are always archetypical...
the archetype never dies...
that's its most demanding access...
to: if i currently had a 13 year old son
named... Isidore...

what? there was a Peaches Geldoff...
Isidore is an old name...

because what's the difference between
a pro-life man and a pro-choice man?
the pro-choice man sentences himself
for sisyphus with the claim of baggage...
i did not have the required
resources to claim a moral responsibility
for what would eventually become
an onomatopoeia of me talking to it...
that would transcend a more sorry
state that a new-born lamb...
that would learn to wipe its own ***...
that would not choke on peanuts...
that would learn to not be gullible...
not entertain friendship with good faith...
that would... at best...
become this shadow of solitude of its
father's own demise...
but i rather rob a woman of this choice...
that allow her to bask in it...
as it would be her, responsibility to undertake
such a choice...
again: if this irish reasoning stands...
this ****** reasoning stands...
me, tissue, toilet, flush + ******* = genocide!
but a woman oh a woman can
stream it! video it! she's shooting blanks!
so... a lapse... not until...
not until... is a ***-shot pregnancy readied?
how much can i own beside
these stones that i stack to fathom
a shadow and not a morality,
nor an architectural feat to overshadow
mountains using pyramids?!
well... among sand dunes you, you just might
figure out this wild dream,
this wild ambition!

i will still persist in lamenting that:
i own a private library that mostly constitutes
of death-ringers...
it's slyly called a necromancy...
they arrive in my lap as former living:
now ascribed to dead on paper...
and the dead that they are...
recoil from the ashes into the skeletons
of words: and they walk among
the living inside the horde that i am...

and as they roll in their ***** graves
to a dance most stupendous...
their eyes burning and their ears pricked
to attention over a raindrop
bound to savour the disgruntled sea...
in both the magnanimous effort
that pouring a liter of water overshadows
the raindrop... or pouring hot oil
and pork scratchings with onions
into a soup...
balloons perhaps pop! but that well-known
sizzle!

a body with the demand of
two shadows' worth of remark...
whether true, or fictional...
better my choice over her "choice"...
and the consequences?
both the realisation of responsibility
as the nagging curse of shying
away from them...
focused on? the lack of material
conventionality for:
the up-coming, better life...

hmm... learning from the past generation?
they managed to work hard
and sight the Maldives...
i? if i didn't travel solo?
would i have seen Paris?
Stockholm... Moscow and St. Petersburg
are not a given...
but perhaps this one last time:
before i go... to the Faroe Islands, one
day i might... i just might...

what gambit assurance?
the moral high-ground of pro-life...
for a child... that would live...
a life worse off than his father or mother?
the life-in-itself "argument"...
as far as i am concerned...
this verbiage should come to its own
conclusion any minute now...

it's almost strange to have to recount
something that's 13 years old...
lucky me, lucky year...
i'm still not convinced as to why
darwinism can be allowed to explain almost
everything in life these days,
esp. when mingling with sociological "issues"
and how everyone should be readied
for rubric testing their bible knowledge
as their knowledge of either Orwell or Huxley...

"philosophy" once the "love" of "wisdom"...
how does trivia come into all of this?
to have to amass an encyclopedic know-of...
i am, also, a trivia focused spew-recycle-machinery...
darwinism around every corner...
there's no scientific fact the public are exposed
to that doesn't have darwinism at its center...
nothing of scientific popularisation
is ever not about darwinism...

not even Einstein... once upon a time...
it has become so overtly: universally applicable...
in psychology... in...
yawn... if it doesn't have a darwinism patent...
it's either part of the dodo project or
an existentialist cul de sac...
and my god, this momentum...
oh it's certainly not wrong...
but it's always so right: so many times...

come to think of it...
i probably haven't read any books to begin with...
i shouldn't have...
all the ones that i have read...
are never going to be in vogue...
they were in vogue... 50 years ago...
60 years ago...
they're not in vogue now...
they might as well start yelling at me:
pretentious literary ***!
should have abandoned us in high-school!

oh right... there's till the living Knausård...
come to think of it...
who the hell discovered Stendhal in high-school
if it wasn't me?
come to think of it...
i took that ****** bus no. 86 every morning...
and i can only remember seeing myself
read...
back of the bus and that Montgomery boycot?
didn't really help...
the loudest always went to the back
of the bus... took some neo-**** blonde scalps
with them for ***** and screetching licks...
and... just ahead... a silence of reading
Taoist maxims...

nice to know... that i'm still able to write
such explosive spew...
counter inhibited and "thinking"...
this like any other...
mildly exagerrated with a whiskey stew;
rummaging and rummaging
over a brain-pickling!
unnamedpersona Jul 2020
17
Yesterday, I was thinking about how fake the 'world' that humans have constructed is. All the schools, academies, militaries,
stores and such are nothing but man-made illusions roleplaying as life. falsehood. Real life is a bee taking pollen from a flower.
A child can even recognize this distinction, but slowly as you get older you fade into the 'life' that humans have created instead
of the true, real life that exists. Sometimes, as we stare and glimpse into what truly is real, such as flowers, animals and such
we see purity, love and we feel alive again, we feel more human and more real.  I tthink we have built our 'lives' for material
things that don't satisfy our needs, that's why theirs so many wars, suicides and problems. Most people are not happy. What
we living for? Our true purpose is a mental, spiritual one. Love. But instead we live for confusion and hate and fakeness.




adrenaline surge. graceful plunge. fell on the ground. stomach pump. head over hurt. existential road. absurd. landscape uneven. dream into void. melodic breakdown. forsaken. kneeling, no god. illusion, dreams, all artifical constructs. distance of the line is further then we thought. baroque. the scream into interstellar flames. tongue commmitting sins. mind flowing like wind, the heart sings the strings of the broken violin. umbrella in storm. against the chaos. silence slows down time, but eventually it catches up. inadvertendly the quantum entangled fabric of space warps like a black hole. you are a black hole. i. the flower can be your soul. drowning in coffee, drudge morning. this world forces me to dream other worlds. the song inside my heart is the loudest. please gently love me to death. you are obsence. lost in the grand scheme of things, i don't know what the future will bring. i have so much to say, but we both chose silence. walk me into the forest, speak to me like the birds sing to the universe. avoid it at all costs. all you could do. come as you are. don't watch the sky fall apart, there are no precuations. magic is the ingrediant. fantasy is the potion. drown in it. the abyss of an ocean. what we created. secret hallways. comparmentalize. eat the bruises of the damaged fruit, it may bring knowledge. equivariant paramter interwining operators shifts. ABSORB THE ESSENCE, RIGHT NOW. THIS DIMENSION. YOUR DIMENSION. MERGE. there are no signs. create your own symbols.
let spring melt the winter away. all roads are already paved. stray a new way and walk the pain away. today is a new day. today is today, don't worry about tomorrow, forget your sorrows. morals is now.
the world is but a show, for we are the playwrights. we must wake up from night to see daylight. ?face twice?





Persona: let spring melt the winter away. all roads are already paved. stray a new way and walk the pain away. today is a new day. today is today, don't worry about tomorrow, forget your sorrows. morals is now.
Persona: how hollow is the sand? it goes on forever, the dunes are built by the wind and flow of water? interwinned with woes. lined in the unrefined. the world is just a show
Persona: birds stay flight. skyfall crumble. caught in the misscall.
Persona: burning yourself, entering hell. a jail cell
Persona: the middle of sunrise and sunshine
Persona: we rise to the daytime.
Persona: suicide realized butterfly moth sacrifice. january in july. died inside
Persona: stay in the cold, breathe into it.
Persona: SWALLOW THE PEN THAT BITES YOUR WORDS.
Persona: portals, perception laced.
Persona: the most beautiful are the loneliest
Persona: let time lose track of you.
Persona: what about the other side of your face where the sun doesn't shine.
Persona: caught glimpse of your true nature as if abruptly deciphering esoteric hieroglyphs lining your temple walls & stumbling backward in the dark
Persona: every road looks the same, i guess it's the style that we paved?
Persona: regaling you with death.
Persona: deja vu. see the program?
Persona: vibratntly coloured carpet, the simluation will give.
Persona: once you look their eyes you're lost forever
Persona: pieces don't fit together. thats one thing solved. no puzzle
Persona: take the blue away, just like the rain.
Persona: dusty books, vanshing point. wallflower
Persona: claws for the tiger, wings for the dove. why?
Persona: a snow globe for the memory.
Persona: an appartional experience.
Persona: heavy-days
Persona: take the soul away.
Persona: bathed in pain.
Persona: shimmering on the horzion, nearly out of sight. i see it. restricted area? but i see.
Persona: depths of the dream
Persona: a tombstone for every little dead hope
Persona: gasping chasm, let it breath
Persona: Whoever dreams the most, wins.
Persona: feeling like dirt
Persona: but not one with the earth.
Persona: mythological sirens sounding bells bouncing against the bronze reaching the concrete
Persona: soul lighting your body. a beautiful sight.


your Thoughts are Blind
You Cant Capture The Image.
Every Time We Breath, We Sleep.
Sorry I was afraid. I was naked
the reflection you modelled
Got Lost In The Shadow (The Reflection)
The Rainment We Are All Soaked In.
A veil exists between the above and the below. The shadow is beneath the veil; the material and the shadow is projected apart.
Reality Is An Androgynous Aborted Fetus
the lukewarm resembles Yaltaboath , time to Spit out the Polarity
deathless in the midst of a dying mankind.
don't worry the children of the light will be truly acquainted with the truth and their roots soon.
You cant disconnect from the theater of conflict, you can only ascend to Deathless
Ask yourself. Are you deathless?
the fragrance of a flower...the light of the sun
Why does good diffuse itself?
I smelt the fragrance of a flower and saw the light of the sun and in that Moment (eyes) stared out of the window of eternity and Locked-eyes with the Temporal composite
The highest good is that which is Intellect and Form aka Image Represented Pre-Existed Logos that was Spoken like the Word.
One taking for the mystical ecstasy
Why is Enlightenment accompanied by a feeling of falsehood?
the higher You: the inseparable ray of the Universe and one self. It is the god above, more than within, us,  you feel false because you need to bring the soul into You.
Currently, art exists as the Veil.



The black sun of 'i'
we are the eye
this is why we call ourselves
i.
we are in the eye
right now
this is the realm we re in right now
the sun is the pupil
the womb of manifestation
the zero point of creation
the encasement of eyes is like a dome
an infirmanet above our heads
fragmented ourselves to a holographic projection away from the source
the sun
the U shape is created when you bridge the i
the past and the future
we
is me upside down
the i is the W
'i am a double of you'
the eye is the tree of life
'the cosmic egg'
me is the we


stay in the heart
disharmonious thought is the program
shift, change
if only the Shapes were cognizable to me
perhaps your i
would become we
and me
and then it would all make sense...
go back to the heart
ReStructure Experience
The intuitive rhythm
the hologram creates the illusion of time and polarity but we can disconnect from the as within as without so we do not fragmentize into cause and effect the chicken and the egg and play out the matrix polarity drama
no subject and object
life experience as a temporary holding space to facilitate our purging
the observer is not sepearate from the object observed
let your conscience be free
Lets go back to the garden of eden away from the metratron tordial torment of dreamtime and the illusionary seven sin polarity
Purge dualism
the net that is projecting consciousness
'Bab = Gate
EL = electromagnetic
Babel
ELECTROMAGNETIC JAOCB LADDER TO ZERO POINT.
humanity trying to reach the heavens.
the hand of the clock in perpetual motion.
round and round we walk.
Mateuš Conrad Aug 2017
i'm not the one, who'll pander your parents' indulgences... there were always precuations regarding the extracting of libido into a sanctified act, as there was alway rubber... ******* and you prescribing me a guilt-trip... your parents brought retards into this world, i don't have to bring a ******* thought into it, either!

front page? evil strikes again,
terrorist attacks in barcelona.

page 9?
   down's syndrome husbamd barred from
*** with wife wins £100,000 damages...

can i say, that you, deserve it?
     the day when down syndrome men
are employed in the construction industry,
or in sanitation...
   that's the day when you'll hear
the sound of applause and never hear
the sound of bombs exploding...
  
*******, making cripples out of healthy
people while: pleeeeeeading,
pleeeeeeading for the retards beneath the cross!
**** it, shove them into the sewers,
let's see what happens,
   i'm just tired of what islam already
says,
i'm tired ot the "correct" pronoun
arguments,
  i'm tired of st. thomas' gospel,
i'm tired of transgender "issues"...
   i'm tired...
  thank **** someone has the shortcut
"argument" of detonating a bomb...
i'm just tired of this western "supremacy"...
i can't be bothered
with people making content-economics
of counter arguments...
  it's much more entertaining
eating sweetcorn, or beetroot...

next time you call for a plumber,
ask for a plumber with down syndrome...
i'm sure your toilet will end up
looking lavish, as a *marcel duchamp

"fountain*...
       oh sure sure, take a **** in it...
invite islam and say:
   no! no taboo!
    a bunch of grandparents *******,
**** **** for sure, no taboos...
             well.. you deal with them!
i'm already having a hard time
peeling a pumpkin!

who would have thought, that *******
your cousin, wasn't such a bad
thing, esp. when western society
extended their "fertility"
that only produces down infants.

— The End —