lock up
when anyone
seems
particularly disappointed
or demanding with me
not ideologically, but
in tone intensity,
conversing
forcefully
either I
turn off, go numb, freeze
taken over by survival mode
or I fight err flight it
usually trying to fly
with some fight
as I navigate
the exit
my 18-pound shewolf triggers me:
all barkybarkbark wanting things -
like ******* carrots after dinner,
and if I don't get them at first yip,
she insists, paws, jumps, getting
all super-***** indignant
(kind of adorably)
sometimes, I keep giving in
and get them (repeatedly)
because I'm a pushover
sometimes, I block her out
until she goes full self-righteous
and I feel bullied, get up and go
into the other room to breathe
and stop shaking
sometimes, I can extradite myself
before it gets all fullreactivejacket
like when my brother (drunkenly)
told me he didn't want my son
around his, because I told him
Santa is just a cultural myth
that we pretend for fun
when he asked
apparently, I'm an *******
for making decisions for my kid
that I'm comfortable with, not him,
and thinking there's way more magical
**** in this world to be excited about
than a random fat man breaking and
entering your house to bring presents
as long as you leave him cookies...
I have a mouth on me, but I try
not to use it, because I am
quite accurate in aim
and loaded with
cutting truth
but I
don't wanna fight
anymore
because I lived
in a war zone
in the beginning
the fights would last for
d a y s
or should I say,
the raging lectures
while I tried to reason
how and why
my thoughts
differed
he always had a way
of making me feel
solely responsible
for everything
he'd go onandonandon
until I acquiesced, agreed and
promised to give in to whatever
he believed the solution to be
(usually me cutting someone
out of my life or giving up things
I thought I liked)
and if I disagreed,
or picked holes in his argument,
he would start back at the beginning, because I must not have been listening
it stopping,
and subsequent silence
was such an enormous relief -
when adrenaline stopping pumping
and I could hear myself think
just grateful and happy
to be done
with it
I would disassociate
hard
sometimes
there would be
a traumatic scene
that was quite ******
but then a few days later
I couldn't remember
what happened
but knew
it was
bad
I started writing
some of those episodes down
so I'd know what happened to me -
for future reference, that I wasn't
crazy
so, I
latched onto
the peace and quiet
while it lasted
and as his words
had less and less effect,
the more crazy he'd act
to get me
in line
once when
I did not acquiesce at all, proud
in the face of his domineering storm,
standing firm, calmly disagreeing,
stating my case matter-of-factly,
he cupped his hands over my ear
and screamed as loud as he could
rage rattling me
into tears
I wish the imprints
on my psyche faded
as fast as the bruises
I don't know if I'll ever be
completely normal
but I do know
I will try
to tread lightly
around your triggers
and not take it personally
when they inevitably
detonate
I will learn them
like I know my own
and I will understand why
you do what you do
because when I say yes,
it's going to be
to everything
