There’s a woman on the phone who says she’s pregnant, explanation.
Well, in simple terms, the man has to impregnate the woman, this may take several occasions, but you get the gist.
Oh I get the gist alright, so how many occasions did it take.
Well, it's hardly the thing you talk about when you’re planning a baby.
What, how long has this been going on.
How would I know, might be one night, might be long term, why don't you ask her.
I’m not asking your floozie things like that, you should know.
Typical woman, just because a pregnant woman is on the phone, you naturally assume the worse.
I have reason to assume the worse, the neighbours bed you assembled.
Don’t remind me of that, Chinese instructions, it was a nightmare.
I was more thinking of how I caught you in bed with her.
You didn’t catch us in the physical sense, we were testing the bed.
And you had to be naked to do that.
She’s Scandinavian, that’s what they do.
You were under the covers.
She was covering her modesty, the embarrassment you caused that day.
Yeah, I’m gutted.
You really  have to do something about this paranoia.
Are you saying I’m nuts.
Well, the facts do speak for themselves.
You’re so right, it’s a strange thing paranoia, sometimes I think young James isn’t yours.
Just as well he’s the spitting image of me then.
Yes, that’s the strange thing, he’s the spitting image of your brother too.
What, what are you saying, have you been bedding my brother.
Not in the physical sense I think
Well in that case young James is definitely mine then.
Don’t know, the ****** your brother used, the instructions were in Chinese.

                                         By Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.
                                                  Dubious ending by Lily Nurmi.

Lily Nurmi.


My god, red bra, orange pants, and green socks, I’m making love to a traffic light.

Get on with it.

I can’t, where do I start.

What does it matter.

It matters a lot, if I start with your bra, do I stop, or do I drive on knowing three penalty points and an eighty pound fine are coming my way. Do I start with your pants, amber gambling, if I start with your socks, then that’s it, I’m away.

Well. what do you expect me to do.

I expect you to dress appropriately for the occasion, I mean, Gok Wan couldn’t fix you.

Well, if we’re in an insulting mood, I don’t like the tiger pants you wear, especially as tiger’s are nearly extinct.

Oh god, did you really say that, I’m going out with a *****, 0.5 wit.

What does that mean.

It means you’re a half wit.

Well, I was going to get naked, and put my duffle coat on to get you excited, but not now.

Just what every guy wants, a naked girl in a duffle coat.

Some guys would die to see me naked in a duffle coat.

Do you know, you’re right, I've now got this fantasy in my head, put on an orange hat, and wow, pelican crossing.

Get knotted, and I tell you now, that’s the only action you’ll get tonight

Well, in that case I’ll just have to create a fantasy

On he went with it, hallucinating vividly while she stood there, unarmed and furious.

Hell she was already *****, maybe she could save the situation. She looked down at her pants.

You know, you could still drive, if you have already crossed the line.

His eyes opened quickly, as if trying to catch her lying. He considered it...

Lose the bra and the socks

Lose the tiger get up

Both coming halfway, they now stood in the living room, one more naked than the other. Still a little insulted she went on to caress his member.

He, too stubborn to show his pleasure, gazed at the ceiling, feigning boredom.

Furious she slapped him across his face with a high pitched shriek, picked up her things and walked towards the door, getting dressed on the go.

Realizing he had gone too far and that he was now all up and running, he tried to bring her to other ideas...

BAM went the door.

She'll call.

So what if your body
Is sweetly inviting
Inviting me to play around
To play within the depths of your mind
Not for mind games
But the other games
You know...
The *****, fun games

So what if I'm impressed
At the words that appear
On the blank sheet
In my head as you speak
So what that I cannot
Enter a room without
Accidentally finding you in it
One way or another

You've ruined me
In the sweetest way
I can imagine the day
When I convince myself
It’s really you
No games
Not in my mind
Just in me

I’m running from you
Running to you
You’re smiling
Is it really you
Inviting me
Into your mind
I’m walking away
Looking back, wondering..

Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

What’s wrong, you look like thunder.

It’s those two birds I’m going out with, Tuesday and Thursday.

What’s the problem, get the days mixed up.

No, I call them Tuesday and Thursday, I take them out Friday and Saturday.

You do lead a strange life, so what’s the problem.

The problem is Tuesday, she wants to go out on Saturday.

Well, why don’t you take Tuesday out on Saturday afternoon, leaving you free to take
Thursday out on Saturday night.

My god, that’s genius, that’s what I’ll do.

# Monday morning

So how did your weekend go.

Aw man, what a disaster, took Tuesday to the bowling in the afternoon, totally forgot Friday worked there.

Wow there, who the hell is Friday.

She was casual.

So what happened.

She phoned Thursday that’s what happened.

Oh, sounds painful.

No, the painful part was when the wife turned up.

Oops, bet you were wondering what day it was, can I see the film.

Get you a copy later, now I’m forced to stay with Monday for awhile.

What did the wife say?

She wasn't my wife but Wednesday's
Wednesday is married to a woman?

Yeah she's a little freaky. So there I was with Tuesday, Wednesday's wife, Thursday on the way and Friday in my face about Thursday.

                                                      
                                                Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

Brian, you’re so boring.

So you keep telling me.

Why can’t you be more spontaneous.

Did I or did I not bring you in a daffodil.

You brought in a dandelion.

Think of it as a gesture.

That’s what I mean, it's a token, now Mary's boyfriend robbed a bank to buy her a ring.

That's the guy who’s doing ten years.

That's besides the point.

So you want me to rob a bank for you.

No, I want you to be more like Tasman's boyfriend, he went on top of a moving truck with a banner saying, I love you Tasman. So romantic.

That was the guy who died when the truck went under a low bridge.

That’s not the point.

And another thing, at the funeral, why were your friends calling me Brent.

I was trying to make you sound sophisticated.

Oh you did that alright, Brian Crude became Brent Crude, your idiot friends thought it was hilarious.

Well, how the hell was I to know it was an oil company.

He thought to himself, you want something romantic, I’ll ****** well give you something romantic.

Why did you give me a giant Teddy bear? This is what I mean! Jist think for two seconds, will you.

Two days later

Erm. What's this?

If I didn't know better, I'd think that it's a letter.

Ha-ha. It's addressed to the teddy bear: "Only for teddy".

Well then you should give it to teddy.

Don't be silly, a stuffed animal can't read. And it's your hand writing.

Well I'm sorry but it's between me and Teddy.

#later that night while he was out, she just couldn't help herself.

"Dear Teddy,

I hope you're well. I'm sending you this letter because as we discussed earlier, I won't be home tonight. I wanted to make sure you'd take good care of my girl. Just remember, she likes:

- warm cuddles
- chocolate
- chick flicks
- long conversations
- kissed on the forehead
- roses

I knew you wouldn't be able to pick up some of the above so DHL is delivering the chocs, Eat Pray Love the movie and roses tonight. Be sure to be home at 8 pm.

I expect you to take your responsibilities seriously. One wrong cuddle can make her over think all night. I better not find her over thinking. You know how special she is to me.

Best regards,

Brent"

A Paul Gaffney& Lily Nurmi production.

So, can you afford this place by yourself.
Yeah, I did the maths.                                                          
­Okay I’ll take the washing machine, you take the couches.  
You kidding, the washing machine was a present, you take the couches.
I know how to work the washing machine.
Well, I know how to work the coffee machine, but I don’t make a song and dance about it.
Was that why you phoned the plumber when it ran out of water.
I didn’t phone him for that, I was getting a quote for something plummery I was thinking of doing.
Plummery, is that computer speak. Which reminds me, laptop, I’ll be taking that.
You’ll have to wait till I put it back together.
What do you mean put it back together, it’s new.
  I know it’s new, now it’s super new, with 12 g installed.
12 g hasn’t been invented yet.
It has now, with my new revolutionary thought processor and rewind imagery camera.
Have you finally gone nuts, you see what I’ve had to put up with the last five years.
Well I can’t tell you what you’ve put up with the last five years, but I can for the last six months.
Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now, what have you done.
I installed a chip in you. Pick a date out in the last six months and I’ll show you what you were doing.
You’re mad, okay December the 11th.
Right, just put that date in, okay let’s view.  You’re having a coffee morning with your sisters
and wait, you’re slagging me off as usual, tut tut.
My god, this is madness, you’ve finally lost it.
Oh you haven’t seen anything yet, lets check out Dec 13th. Oh look, it’s you and the plumber in which seems to be a posh hotel.
So it is, do I look hot or what.
That wasn’t my first thought I must admit, maybe you could explain yourself.
Isn’t it obvious, I mean, you installed the ****** chip, what part don’t you understand.
I don’t understand why you’re with my plumber on the date he promised to install my new revolutionary coffee maker.

Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

When I said to you I would like to try a new position, What do you think I meant .

A new bar.

When was the last time we had ***.

My birthday.

No.

Your birthday.

No, it was when my mum died.

That was a sad day.

Not for you it wasn't, you supervised the cremation.

I had to make sure.

Do you know why my mum hated you.

I don’t think she hated me.

No, she definitely hated you.

She hated everyone.

You most of all.

Was it because I married you.

No, that's why she hated me. It was because you violated her underwear drawer.

I was looking for that furry thing you told me about.

Then you should've just said that. I told you that fetish story wouldn't fly.  

Well then, you shouldn’t have let her spread it around.

I know.

Wait a minute. You told her the fetish story wouldn't fly.

Eermm...

Why would you let her spread that around.

Well it was around the time I caught you with the girl next door.

You said you liked two girls!

You're not a girl! You just wear my clothes sometimes and I've been more than tolerant about that.

Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

Do you notice anything different about me.
You’ve dyed your hair.
No.
New dress.
No.
New shoes.
No.
Aw don’t tell me you’re pregnant.
Fat chance.
Well in that case, I can’t see anything different.
I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Think you’ll find that’s breach of contract.
Thought you’d say that, you haven’t been fulfilling your end of the contract.
It’s just a small problem, I’ll get over it.
Not the case with my new man.
Just you remember, I started big.
You did, then you blew it
It’s a guy thing
Did you go off me, is that it
Well, it has been three weeks, three good weeks though.
Yes, it's been three good weeks for me too.
D'you think we should call it a day
Hmmh too much of a hassle
Agreed
Do you want to meet him
Sure, I'll bring a date
What do you mean
I mean I'll bring a girl
You're dating?
Yeah so are you
Since when
About three weeks now
You ****.


Thanks Lily Nurmi,
             for being the other woman.

You bought your ex an expensive ring.

She’s having a tough time

You bought me a card.

But I love you.

Well, woopsie woopsie woo.

I’m not feeling the sympathy here.

I’m not wearing an expensive ring, unlike somebody else I won't care to mention.

I would do the same for you.

Okay, there's a jewellers down the street.

Just take a step back, look into your conscious, this is not the girl I fell in love with.

That’s because I’m not feeling the love, unlike your ex.

Will you stop going on about the ex.

I will, when you buy me a ring.

Is it all about the material things for you.

Fine. You just wait

- week later-

You bought your ex a car?!

He was going through a tough time

You bought me cookies

But I love you. And also I ran into your ex at the flea market. She sold me the ring you gave her for £12. You have good taste in jewellery.

Also I called your mother and explained the situation. She wants a chat with you today.

Why would you call my mum?

Oh you know, we're such good friends and she never hears from you so I thought I'd catch her up

What did you tell her

Well you know about the ring and the car thing was actually her idea and the ring ending up in my hands was just good fortune.

What did my ex say?

She said she thought it was pathetic and that during your relationship she was just using you for *** anyway.

What did your ex say.

Well nothing unusual. He wants me back more than ever.

Paul Gaffney& Lily Nurmi.

My god, red bra, orange pants, and green socks, I’m making love to a traffic light.

Get on with it.

I can’t, where do I start.

What does it matter.

It matters a lot, if I start with your bra, do I stop, or do I drive on knowing three penalty points and an eighty pound fine are coming my way. Do I start with your pants, amber gambling, if I start with your socks, then that’s it, I’m away.

Well. what do you expect me to do.

I expect you to dress appropriately for the occasion, I mean, Gok Wan couldn’t fix you.

Well, if we’re in an insulting mood, I don’t like the tiger pants you wear, especially as tiger’s are nearly extinct.

Oh god, did you really say that, I’m going out with a *****, 0.5 wit.

What does that mean.

It means you’re a half wit.

Well, I was going to get naked, and put my duffle coat on to get you excited, but not now.

Just what every guy wants, a naked girl in a duffle coat.

Some guys would die to see me naked in a duffle coat.

Do you know, you’re right, I've now got this fantasy in my head, put on an orange hat, and wow, pelican crossing.

Get knotted, and I tell you now, that’s the only action you’ll get tonight

Well, in that case I’ll just have to create a fantasy

On he went with it, hallucinating vividly while she stood there, unarmed and furious.

Hell she was already *****, maybe she could save the situation. She looked down at her pants.

You know, you could still drive, if you have already crossed the line.

His eyes opened quickly, as if trying to catch her lying. He considered it...

Lose the bra and the socks

Lose the tiger get up

Both coming halfway, they now stood in the living room, one more naked than the other. Still a little insulted she went on to caress his member.

He, too stubborn to show his pleasure, gazed at the ceiling, feigning boredom.

Furious she slapped him across his face with a high pitched shriek, picked up her things and walked towards the door, getting dressed on the go.

Realizing he had gone too far and that he was now all up and running, he tried to bring her to other ideas...

BAM went the door.

She'll call.

Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

In the dark of night

I snuck out of bed

The monster picked a fight

So quickly I fled



Stood by my sister, poked her a bit

A sleepy frown above her eyes

She told me to sit

I was scared and she was wise



She pulled the cover over me

And told me to sleep

She was a big girl, older than me

She held me close, I needn't weep



I dreamed of fields with flowers

And strange round trees

Mountains with towers

And puddles with bees






She stood beside me

Like a  light beam

Watching over me

Setting me free


I was brave for a time

Brave as brave could be

Searching for the monster

Hiding up the tree



The monster saw me

I screamed, he’s got me

Oh no he’s not

We both jumped under the covers

My sister and me.

                                   Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

Lily Nurmi.


My god, red bra, orange pants, and green socks, I’m making love to a traffic light.

Get on with it.

I can’t, where do I start.

What does it matter.

It matters a lot, if I start with your bra, do I stop, or do I drive on knowing three penalty points and an eighty pound fine are coming my way. Do I start with your pants, amber gambling, if I start with your socks, then that’s it, I’m away.

Well. what do you expect me to do.

I expect you to dress appropriately for the occasion, I mean, Gok Wan couldn’t fix you.

Well, if we’re in an insulting mood, I don’t like the tiger pants you wear, especially as tiger’s are nearly extinct.

Oh god, did you really say that, I’m going out with a *****, 0.5 wit.

What does that mean.

It means you’re a half wit.

Well, I was going to get naked, and put my duffle coat on to get you excited, but not now.

Just what every guy wants, a naked girl in a duffle coat.

Some guys would die to see me naked in a duffle coat.

Do you know, you’re right, I've now got this fantasy in my head, put on an orange hat, and wow, pelican crossing.

Get knotted, and I tell you now, that’s the only action you’ll get tonight

Well, in that case I’ll just have to create a fantasy

On he went with it, hallucinating vividly while she stood there, unarmed and furious.

Hell she was already *****, maybe she could save the situation. She looked down at her pants.

You know, you could still drive, if you have already crossed the line.

His eyes opened quickly, as if trying to catch her lying. He considered it...

Lose the bra and the socks

Lose the tiger get up

Both coming halfway, they now stood in the living room, one more naked than the other. Still a little insulted she went on to caress his member.

He, too stubborn to show his pleasure, gazed at the ceiling, feigning boredom.

Furious she slapped him across his face with a high pitched shriek, picked up her things and walked towards the door, getting dressed on the go.

Realizing he had gone too far and that he was now all up and running, he tried to bring her to other ideas...

BAM went the door.

She'll call.

There’s a woman on the phone who says she’s pregnant, explanation.
Well, in simple terms, the man has to impregnate the woman, this may take several occasions, but you get the gist.
Oh I get the gist alright, so how many occasions did it take.
Well, it's hardly the thing you talk about when you’re planning a baby.
What, how long has this been going on.
How would I know, might be one night, might be long term, why don't you ask her.
I’m not asking your floosie things like that, you should know.
Typical woman, just because a pregnant woman is on the phone, you naturally assume the worse.
I have reason to assume the worse, the neighbours bed you assembled.
Don’t remind me of that, Chinese instructions, it was a nightmare.
I was more thinking of how I caught you in bed with her.
You didn’t catch us in the physical sense, we were testing the bed.
And you had to be naked to do that.
She’s Scandinavian, that’s what they do.
You were under the covers.
She was covering her modesty, the embarrassment you caused that day.
Yeah, I’m gutted.
You really  have to do something about this paranoia.
Are you saying I’m nuts.
Well, the facts do speak for themselves.
You’re so right, it’s a strange thing paranoia, sometimes I think young James isn’t yours.
Just as well he’s the spitting image of me then.
Yes, that’s the strange thing, he’s the spitting image of your brother too.
What, what are you saying, have you been bedding my brother.
Not in the physical sense I think
Well in that case young James is definitely mine then.
Don’t know, the ****** your brother used, the instructions were in Chinese.

Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

The spirit awaits, you can feel it
She has let the darkness go
Moved on in life
Let her body grow
Time is waiting
You can feel it
Feel it everywhere
The moon is up
They’re waiting
The light is shining through
Her body and soul await
The anger and sorrow have gone
A deeper understanding
Returned to her
Everything made sense
The night is calling
Calling her
She walks towards the light
Smiling
Time is waiting
Her spirit moves on.
                                                By
                                                              Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

Silently he watched the wind, blow
The smoke against the lifeless figures, laughing
At the release of life, praying
As the dust changed the landscape, time
Scattered the bones, but
The soul screamed indignity, venging
As time buried him deeper, the
Devil watched, dispatching angels, portents of death
Screamed the land awake, turning
The dark blood red, tearing
At flesh screaming into the night.
The pain was as deep as the loss
The loss eternal
The people ran
They ran for their lives
Roofs on fire
From a distance,
Looking much like
Large camp fires
Slowly merging in to each other
The people screamed
Had it not been for the vanity
Of the deranged king
The restless village
Would be but that:
Restless
As the deranged king
Reigned with an iron fist


Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney Production

The night disturbed her

She looked around

A faint light inside the wardrobe caught her eye

She was drawn to it

Maybe the reflection off the street lights

She heard the voice

Raindrops in her mind

Pleading, don’t **** me

Please, don’t **** me

She awoke screaming

The same dream, night after night.

The thought haunted her at dusk

The piercing pain

The soothing voice of the nurse

Hurt so bad, she wanted to die

A part of her was gone

Her reflection shattered

Pieces too small to put back together

The nagging loneliness

The choking guilt

Rivers running down her face

Mum, why do I see myself in a dream

You don’t, you see your sister

She’s  eleven minutes younger than you

She  died within hours after birth.

                                                 Paul  Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.