That I don’t like me,
I don’t know me,
I don’t want to be me,
I don’t want anyone to see me
The self is ugly
Shameful, stupid
Complete lack of respect
I now have regret
They were right
What they said about me
On St Helena
My entire family
I only want pain
To punish myself
I am so stupid
And selfish but lacking a self
Why am I like this?
That I don’t know
But I do know I’m like this
How I got here I don’t know
Spiteful and hateful
Lacking respect
It’s not all about me
Why do I make it seem like that?
I’ve realised I hate me
But it’s not something new
I have such disgust, no empathy
For myself- I’m just cruel
I am cruel to others
I have no respect
I’m lazy and unhelpful
Why do I get so upset?
Was my mother right?
Or did she make me like this?
Perhaps I am becoming her
In my face was her fist
I want her to hit me
I want her here now
I need the abuse
To remind me, I can’t spell
I want to feel the beating
The words stabbing
I need to be punished
For I am failing
I’m a failed person
I have nothing but shame
For dragging good people
Through such pain
I don’t want to speak
I just want to hide
I don’t belong on this earth
Have my cat always by my side
Yes I am a witch
And witches need cats
I make herbal concoctions
I even own a broomstick
No one should hear my voice
For I only bring pain
Lack of understanding
How cruel can I be, causing pain
But why do some people like me?
Am I not being genuine?
How do I let them see
Who I really am within
I only bring misery and
Offend those around me
It’s true I’m a burden
A burden on society
I don’t belong anywhere
In this realm or the next
I don’t belong anywhere
I’m not human, I’m something else
They describe me as fragile
So why don’t I break?
Shatter into pieces
Wash down the drain to the lake
When will I snap?
Completely out of my mind?
How much more will it take?
While I burden mankind
I don’t know what’s wrong
But it needs to stop
My mother should be here
To hurt me, send me into shock
I don’t wish to be with her
I just want to feel pain
The pain she inflicted
How she did this to my brain ?
Why do I want it?
I don’t know
Perhaps there’s something
Inside me that I don’t know
I am a living lie
I’ve caused death and despair
I deserve the beating
Feel my blood trickle to my ear
I have no self confidence
No sense of self worth
But why should I?
These are things set up for me since birth
But I do know my cat
His name is Timmy
He’s always by my side
He is my family
He is a sentient being
Intelligent and loving
He will show his disgust
To anyone who might hurt him
He stands his ground
Catches rats for me
Yes he is part of the family
Vermin control a necessity
Nhlanhla and Nomhle
Mosa, Lufuno,
They all love him too,
He is well known it’s true
He speaks no English
But we get each other
We have a deep connection
To Mother Earth, she’s our mother
We share the same planet
We eat the same food
We get scared by some people
We hide, we don’t move
We don’t like loud noises
we’re sensitive to smells
We spend a lot of time sleeping
We can’t always reach the bathroom
His chromosomes differ to mine
But that’s all there is
We are both mammals
With a “brain”, heart, lungs, kidneys.....
Today I saw another animal
While I was at Mofolo
Slim with a slightly curled tail
I still don’t know what it is
Would it be my friend like Timmy?
Perhaps not, it’s probably wild
But at one time we all were
Wild and unaccustomed to each other
I fully trust Timmy
He can get angry of course
But I see the warning
He lets me know before it’s worse
Even his prey are predictable
I know they eat my vegetables
They never surprise me
They just do what rats do, you see
My other brain is fully switched on
Rethabile wanted to see it switched on,
But I don’t know how long it will last
Whether by Wednesday these thoughts have passed
It tells me to hurt me
It tells me to hate me
It wants to destroy me
Mentally and physically
Scratch out my eyes
Draw blood and bleed
Keep cutting, slicing,
Stabbing, make me bleed
Until the pain is enough
Keep ripping apart
My body, all of it
Tear it apart
Pull out my hair
Beat my head
There is nothing in it
I need to beat my head
Until I’m on the floor
I must beat and beat me
Keep causing pain
Draw blood till I’m drained to the core
I want to tear off my face
Cut off my limbs
Slash my stomach wide open
See the blood gush, everything open
I don’t deserve to be here
I don’t want to be here
Therefore there’s not much point
In keeping me here
People use their time
To sit with an idiot like me
A complete waste and disgrace,
A burden on society
Conclusion..... Ngikathele futhi I am a burden on society..
All society.
Nomkhumbulwa.... disgusted with myself **
