The steam it takes me
To reach each 6p.m.
Is unsustainable, exhaustingly so
With knicks and clotted flesh
Bruises aging brown
mix with, overlap the latest
Deep purples and ill hued blues
I am beaten by my own doing
Little to nothing is compensation
But the things i have touched
Broken made new again
From raw to finished, tangible
My hands, rough, scarred,
Talented and beat up
As is my body. Nightly.
By the end of the week i am a sight
Too tired to want morr from life.
Filthy and sore, single, alone
There has got to be more to life
Then the beast of burden i resemble
If not be the ending too soo
See i am beaten at the end
Tired...
Goodnight.

Look at me..
Do you see the pain??
The hate for you??
Fo you see how you hurt me so??
Your words cut like a knife.
Do you care??
I'm drowning in years
Tears you cause
Tears from pain
Tears from caring to much
Words that fade in time
Tears left to hit the floor
Do you see my wasted tears??
Tears for someone who don't care
I most move on
Fix my heart
So I have mo morr trays
No more wasted years
For I have found my worth
And I'm worth more
Than wasted tears.

I sit here yet another time with my head in my hands
I really dont know if i can go through this again
I take the test for what seems like the thousandth time
But another negative is all i find
I cant help but bring my hands to my stomach
Wishing i had my own child so that i can love it
What have i deserved to go through this time to time again
God i thought you were suppose to be a helping friend
But now i have to get myself back up off the floor
I cant help but do it again and go back for more.
I cant help but want to have a kid of my own
So i can hold them in my arms and watch them grow
I know that i most likely wont ever get pregnant
I just wish id get at least one miracle present

I missed a period and i been getting sick
I hope its here. I hope this it it
I try not to get my hopes up to high but deep down i think my heart is racing
I *** on the stick, back and forth i start pacing

Two minutes, ding it is up
Gave it one more minute just for good luck
I walk over and look at the stick
Im so nervous as i glance down
Another negative i can feel my self breaking down

Why god just please tell me what is wrong with me
God i am on my knees begging you please
This pain is just to much to bear
I really am starting to get scared

Why? Why can i not concieve
Why? Why so many times have i been decieved
So many false signs
God its like you are laughing at me from the sidelines

I know i am not perfect
I know i am not always fine
Not just a piece or just a big part
I will love my child with all my heart

So i just want to understand why i am going through again
I finally calm myself down
I think i give up on having a child
Trying so hard i mustve gone wild

So then i said i give up
A wall is what i slowly built up
I look in my mirror and my eyes look dull
I see the pain and my wall slowly gets morr tall

Even though i have guarded my mind
Through my eyes my heart is easy to find
It seems it is slowly withering away
I dont even have the words left to say

I look at Jason my fiance
He looks so sad and upset
He said when i agreed to stop trying it's something i regret  
You have lost yourself even more than before
I love you with all my heart and even more
How about we find another way
Adoption is what i say

The child will be ours and we will love them as our own
Our love for them will be clearly shown
I lift my head more and tears form in my eyes
I said yes we will give it a try