He left his mark on me,
angry and aggressive.
His clutching fingers scrambling for purchase
on my delicate ivory skin.
He laid his claim like one would mark territory,
so that every absent touch would bring back
the phantom of his teeth,
haunting my flesh like a ghost.
Under covers at night it lit a spark in me,
but the dawn broke with my smile
shattering with the burden of my regrets.
I am filled with such shame
that the break in my skin
is a wound that winded it's way deep into my gut.
Your mouth upon my skin
raises the bile in my throat,
and I am sick of lust.
I am sick of the memory of you - of us -
and if I could wish away the night,
I would.
If I could wish away my fluttering heartbeat,
the fumbling darkness,
the alcohol in my veins,
I would.
I would wish myself away
in a second
because the thought of your hands on me
repulses me.
I am sick of your face,
burning in my mind.

First it was simply tape
He feebly tried to attach himself to my mind in attempts to make his words stick
But they never lasted long
And I would kiss him in the dark
And he would leave before the first hint of light made my eyes squint
My mother whispered about him as he came and went
My summer ghost who lived where I would let him
And I don't think it counts as love when you're not even awake for most of it
After that drunken confession I was uprooted
Free to be the wind
Winding through the holes in people's bones in an attempt to feel warm
But even the hottest of fires sometimes aren't aware of the heat they give off
He came next
With three nails and a hammer
But his father never taught him that to love a girl you must know her
And in the end it was inevitable that he would spend most our nights wondering how it could have gone better
And I know I ****** him up
He built that ladder for me with everything he had
And in the end I never came down
Because I was an ocean and he was stranded
I'm deeper than him
Deeper than his shallow pools of lustsick thinking
Now it's you
Does God know you stole from him the very substance that he used to piece me together?
Because so far you're the only thing that's stuck
And rooms aren't forests anymore
And they aren't seas or deserts
They're just rooms that I can walk across to sit down next to you
And I wish I wasn't so **** stubborn
Because when I turn my head away in the night I know deep down you wonder if it's something you did wrong
I'm not afraid to love
I'm afraid to be loved
You're like a child
Stealing candy from a store
At least that's what I told myself to make me feel better about the fact you always know when something is wrong
In reality you're just made of what I'm made of
And I'm not quite sure what that is yet
But I know with you I'll figure it out
And I know with you that all my past thoughts of love were based on how I thought I was supposed to feel
I thought I was supposed to dread the other half of me
That it was normal to cry in the fading dusk as I walked in circles wondering if I could ever bring myself to touch him
Now it's as if I can't get close enough
And every boiling morning my hands run down your back like I'm searching for a way in
Desperately clawing at doors without handles
That February morning was warm
As if the sun knew that I'd want it to last a lifetime
And you helped me down from that pedestal
Slowly
But surely
And you let me fall asleep on your lap even when I had no idea what commitment even was
With your forefinger you smudged my boundaries of friendship and love
Because like oil and water I thought all my life it was best to keep them separate
I'm Medea
And to concoct the perfect poison of all of my wishes would be suicide
It makes me laugh now
Because I drink it every night as I watch you play
Sweeter than any alcohol but I can assure you the burn is far worse
Smoother than any cigarette but I can assure you the lightheadedness that follows is more intense than that night I sat in the forest with people I barely knew the names of as I laughed to jokes I didn't understand
I love you
And I want to say that I love you
Because I know you love me
Even if those words have never left your lips
And we tease each other relentlessly
I love him
You love her
Always dancing around what we are like hot coals
I find it funny how I can write a novel simply about the way you look up when you're trying to remember something but I can't bring myself to say those three words
I think it's because I'm so used to saying them that they don't do how I feel justice anymore
Which is why people ask me why it was so easy to cut him from me
And I shrug as I hide my wire cutters behind my back
I buried my tools that night on the hill
The night I told you everything
Like I was writing it down
Except this time the paper was breathing next to me
I think everyone should have something as sharp as their wit to cut people from them
Because even though there's something so beautiful about an oak looming over you with tendrils and roots up to your knees
There's something more hopeful about a freshly planted seed
Because you can't see it
But you know it will be wonderful
And I've realized I don't need to have something beautiful to shade me
It's easy to waste the day away sat under a canopy of leaves
But to grow something is harder
And that's what we're doing
And I know it will be better than anything I've ever done before