Where is my Mummy?
Where is my Mummy?
The terrified child asked, each and every night
Where is my Mummy?
without her I am afraid, please don't turn out the light
Where is my Mummy?
I'm scared...is she alright?
Where is my Mummy??
I am frightened, I need her to hold me tight
Where is my Mummy??
I really do miss her so
Where is my Mummy?
Where did she have to go?
Where is my Mummy?
Why did she not kiss me goodbye?
Where is my Mummy?
tell me please, and this time don't lie
Where has my Mummy gone?
did she leave cos I was naughty? did I do something wrong?
Where is my Mummy?
Tell me, will my Mummy be gone for long?
Doesn't my mummy love me? can she hear me cry?
Why did God choose my Mummy to live with the angels in the sky?
So many kisses & cuddles, yet to give to my Mummy, but now, how can I?
I see no stairway to heaven, and no wings have to fly
Is it because I wasn't a good little girl, Oh how, really hard, I did try
Where is my Mummy??
When will my Mummy be coming back?
Without her love, I am exposed, I am easy to attack
My Mummy did protect me, she made up for that we lack
My Mummy always took so much s**t and she never gave it back
Where are you Mummy??
I search for you everywhere
can you hear me Mummy??
can you hear my heartbroken prayer??
Mummy, Mummy where are you???
Nana said you'd gone to see baby Paul in heaven, is that true??
Grandad said that you were tired and needed a bit of a rest

I asked why didn't mummy have a lie down?? she could have used my bed
Robin sighed, looked straight into my eyes and said "Kristie, our mummy is dead"
The room is spinning Mummy and I feel really, really sick
Come and kiss me better Mummy, I really need you
Mummy please come now, I beg you, come quick
but in my heart, I know, my Mummy isn't coming back
My Mummy really has gone
I don't have a Mummy - She couldn't keep fighting on
I have nothing, I have no one - Maternal Love went wrong
I tell everyone and anyone - I don't have a Mummy anymore
I cry and cry for my Mummy - until my eyes and throat are sore, red raw
but it doesn't do me any good, Mummy doesn't live with us anymore
and gone are Mummy's hugs, kisses & smiles galore
Goodnight Mummy, I hope that you have a really nice sleep
I will always love you Mummy, and your memory alive, I shall keep
I promise you Mummy, I shall try not to cry
For your star I shall seek, wishing & wondering why
I blow to you and Baby Paul many kisses, Mummy
I blow them hard and way up high
I shall see you again, one day mummy
To you I will not ever, say goodbye
So many years have passed now Mummy,
Since you had to go away
and your only daughter still misses you
and needs you, each and every single day
I have to ask you though Mummy -
cos still on mind it does play
Why Mummy?? Why??
Why did you go away?
Why, Mummy, why?? -
Did you not love me enough to stay??

In Memory of My Mummy, SYLVIA LUCY LEDWITH (RIP 17.06.81)
#suicide   #dying   #death

The Final Goodbye - Written By Kristie Townsend
5 July 2012 at 21:27

ITS TIME

This is it
The end of the line
I knew that the day would eventually come
When I got that call, it was time


The Can of Worms opened
The fear, The pain -
and all other unexpected emotions provoked
On the stench of death I nearly choked

Who do I now share with?
Who will hear my grief?
How will I ever heal?
on my own again Is my belief

I will see you in The Summerland
I will say Goodbye for now, Hold you tight
Share with you precious final moments
no matter who argues, whatever the fight

My regrets are plenty
my memories few
but at least I can say
that I do have some with you

This is my final line to you
My chance to lay to rest the past
I feel grief, sad and blue and also
as though I always came last

by Kristie Townsend (04.04.07)

Written in memory of My maternal Grandma, Kath Ledwith who passed away the day before. She suffered a very long, painful, agonising passing, May Her Un-tamed and Unconventional spirit now be at peace, free to roam, free from pain, free from the many hardships she encountered on the earthly plane. May the Goddess Love and Guide you Nana. Love you *** (P.S. I miss your Trifles!)

written by Kristie Ledwith Townsend in 2007, about my Eating Disorder.

17 May 2012

MY QUEST TO BE THIN


I begin to heave, to choke
Surprised? why? own fault!
Its all the food I've just forced down my own throat!
No one knows the true extent of my pain
Or how this self harm feeds my own shame
And, how I only have myself to blame

Sometimes, I even forget to chew
Focused only on ramming, stuffing, gorging
In my own nausea and self loathing I silently stew

Then theres the urge to run, for my own guts I must, predictably, spew

Its a welcome release, a relief
I'm clean, at peace, thats my silly belief
But just seconds later, those old hatreds return
Along with internalised anger, at my inability to learn!

New ways to release negatives are what I need
To My Angels, Spirits, Guides & the Universe I frantically plead
"release me, PLEASE, from this self imposed hell!"
"just for a little while, so I can feel well"


When I can not throw up I know what I must do
Buy Laxatives, how many? - a lot
And then Find a quiet loo

If they should fail to work
I always have amphetamine to give me a perk
'I'm an addict' -I half heartedly joke
As to the ribs, my conscience, gives me a sharp poke

I'd give ANYTHING to be thin and happy
I willingly embrace guilt, paranoia & being snappy

For NEVER, EVER again do I wish to be fat


Nor to be miserable, or taken for a ****








So until I find a cure


whilst my emotions remain raw


I'll keep popping pills, making my throat sore


Binge eating, looking to score, forever needing more








If I was CLEVER, PRETTY, THIN


YOUNGER, FUNNIER, HAD GREAT SKIN


He would have LOVED me, he would have stayed


He would never have played, the cruel games that he played








He would still be here, holding me tight


Loving me, soothing me, hearing my plight


Kissing me, caressing me, each and every night


Wanting me near him, keeping me in his sight








But I pushed him away, with my self abuse


Ha! or at least that was his excuse


He wasn't strong enough to see it through


He was not aware of the damage, him leaving would do








So, for now, I'll continue to purge daily, it helps me smile


for I feel slightly in control again, for just a short while


One day, when I'm braver, Stronger, Have a goal


I will break this habit, dig myself out of this hole





Failure to do so, I will NOT contemplate


I must seek HELP now, before its too late


I must do IT NOW, I must plan my escape!

Escape Plan (by Kristie Ledwith Townsend)
17 May 2012 at 06:39

I feel no pain,as I slice myself again


all I feel is numb, dumb, brains gone


disgust and loathing at myself, shame


not a chance of laughter, long gone, my fun.








when was the last time I laughed?


really giggled? until I could no longer catch my breathe?


when did I last let loose? Carefree?


when was my sarcasim, last at its best? dreft?





I look at myself in the mirror, what do I see?


who is that? eyes dead? lifeless, staring back at me?


when hollow, insincere words escape empty shell


I pray that today, I finally leave this life, my self imposed hell.








I've planned it now, my final goodbye


down to the very last letter, not even a half arsed try


yes I am thinking of my children, yes I am thinking of you


You'd be better off without me, without the damage you know I'd do








please do not save me, not this time


I want to meet my maker, I want to converse with the divine


I no longer wish to merely exsist, not on this earthly plane


No more shame, nor blame, not in this 'Townsend' name








I am being selfless, not selfish, please ,please see


I am thinking of us all, and not just pathetic ole me


Please don't mourn for something filled with age old scourn


For I will be glad, to no longer be , an involuntary Pawn.








I shall smile at the gates of heaven


if indeed that is my intended destination


pain gone, carefree, just me


finally I can be the spirit I've always wanted to be





if you think me selfish, if you think me bad


save that energy for something more productive


for someone who'll be glad you had


for that is a wasted emotion on me, I am not sad,


for at last feeling free, How I always wanted to be.......











Just me.......Kristie