that night i cried into your back
after kissing all of your moles
i whispered secrets into every single touch
each being a new word
a new syllable
i thought about how drunk i was with him
how i cannot remember who was on top
how in that same setting
with those same running veins
i cried into the floor
after kissing my cell phone
about how pretty she was
and how pretty i was not.
i thought about the night i went into the hospital
and how all of the others told me about the writing left underneath the desk in my room
how i explained to them
that one of the first things i did upon arrival was hide underneath it
i found it on my own.
i have found so much on my own.
i tried to climb the shelves
but i fell and almost broke my elbow
how interesting of a story that would have been;
and how lovely it would have been to tell you
on that first evening we met
i first noticed the deepness of your voice
like the scariest part of the ocean
filled with fish with lights swinging from their foreheads to lure in their meals
filled with silence
and an occasional wisp of a breeze
i next noticed your height
the tallest boy i have ever gotten to be with.
your eyes that night were the most beautiful
i felt my existence looking into them
i realized where i was
and who i was with
I realized that I was Kalena.
I realized that because of this fact, I had Dylan.
I realized that if I was no longer Kalena,
or in other terms,
I was Kalena after she took a knife to her veins,
I would not be Kalena with Dylan.
and that broke my heart.
it broke my heart that the fact that we might not be together was a possibility.
the fact that that might be occurring in a different reality
right now
i don't want it to exist in any part of the universe
in another galaxy
i want you in every reality
i want you in every cloud's memory
seeping from every pine tree
and inside of every cave wall, veiled behind a rushing waterfall that people are afraid to get sprayed by.
that is how much i want you, Dylan.
every single tile on every single bathroom floor
every single calendar
every single full moon
every single sunrise
every single loon calling out to its mate
no matter how terrifyingly alone that cry sounds
i want you there.
i want you everywhere.
i want you.
i want you.

The lights swimming in my head look like shimmering fish. I’m underwater. The pressure and the sand are so inviting. To just stay down here and watch the way my fingernails turn into an even paler pink. like my cheeks. when I first fall in love. And my name changes. I’m no longer Kalena. I’ll be whoever you want me to be, baby. Anything at all. If you want me happy I’ll leave the stories at home. Home. She’s bipolar and I’m depressed and in love and no one else is. My creases where I carry you are sore from all of your emotion. I’m consumed by your pumping heart and electric nervous system. The one that doesn't come in effect, when I’m around; when I touch you. The rock I sat on today was misted by my thoughts on how you won’t ever see me how I see you than how misted it was by the actual water. My stomach is winding and alls I want to do is shove you inside of me and bite your neck. To this beat. I want you to smile because I make you so **** happy. I’ll give you everything. Everything. I just miss laying on someone’s heart beating life into them. And wishing and praying you’re another thing beating the life in their entire being. I want your finger tips and valves. watch thousands of you bloom. watch that look boys give to pretty girls falling over your face with every birth. So I won’t ever worry about you dying. About losing you. Because I’ll just plant you when I need eyelashes to kiss. Or fingernails to chew and paint. Maybe I’ll just live through you. Call you my tree of life. Tree of life. I don’t even like trees all that much.

“every time i feel my stomach convulse it’s a new wave of tears
take vitamins, she says
you should just eat, she says
you got skinnier, another says
“eat! eat! haven’t you been eating!? and this bandaid! quit cutting yourself, kalena”
and for a moment i think it’s truth
i think it’s honest
i shout “i do eat! they’re just cat scratches”
and if she would have lifted up that bandaid
she would have learned it was honest
it was truth
but it was melted away flesh that she would have found, not torn
but melted
and in the highlight of this moment i see all of my dreams come true
finally, someone notices!
finally, someone cares!
but yet she’s willing to stop eating. to make sure that i do.
my little thing. an entire 98 pounds, not by choice.
so unhealthy, so sick. all the time. so **** tired.
she would stop eating for me.
and though it doesn’t help, the thought is comforting. it should be disturbing.
it is. in the way that if she stopped eating…
she would lose weight.
and then i would fight harder and harder until my rib bones were sticking out so far they were larger than my chest.
emaciated.
bony fingers that boys don’t want to hold and girls don’t want to kiss.
hair that slides out with the slightest tug.
no one wants that.
except me, of course.
i want that.
i want to weigh 85 pounds.
i want to die.
i want to be so high on the emptiness that i die.
i faint. and they cannot wake me up.
eternal sleep. forever peace. and the best part of all?
I would be horrifically tiny in even the smallest coffin. “

I’ll admit to having missed you
despite the thorn-tongued remarks
"never again"
compatibility was inevitable
common factors in conversation

have two years passed
or did we glance away and forget
your voice is calming
and emotions astonishing
brush my hair
and tell me stories

I will feel inferior in your presence
but never more equal with another

Raudas ir aimanas aidas neša per laukus
Žiauru net laukan išėjus paklausyti
Beržai verkia, uosiai šniurkščioja, o ąžuolai spiegia
Drebulės senai pastipusios

O ašaros vienų - tokios saldžios žmonėms
Tokios saldžios, kad puotose stiklinėm kalena
Ir džiaugiasi šiluma, šie morališkai nusmurgę žmonės
Ir juokias kartu žarijose mediena