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Mateuš Conrad Aug 2022
i've started to absolutely loath these shifts at Oxford...
for one: compared we're talking about a league one side...
the ****** stadium is one thing
but... just the drive there: and back...
out of the house from 1pm until 12:30am...
and for what? there's that coughing up for fuel
which has increased from £10 to £15... hell: my pay
hasn't risen...
   on topic: i was talking with my father about this...
inflation... the prices of commodities increases,
but the wages do not...
    fair enough: i might seem gullible at times...
given my grandfather was a member of the communist
party... but then communism in Poland
(a satellite state) wasn't the same as it was
in the actual Soviet Union... i'm no romantic of communism...
but surely if there's a concept of inflation:
there ought to be a logic around a concept of deflation...
but there isn't one in economics,
i.e. when wages go up: but the price of commodities
stays the same...
yet... the work of dairy farmers is the same: quality
and quantity-wise... economics it not my strong point...
i'm just thinking out-loud...
and i like thinking-dumb...
              my recent fascination comes in the form
of Confucius < Mozi < Mencius < Zhuangzi | Huizi
i.e. Kong Qui < Mo Di < Meng Ke < Zhu7ang Zhou |Hui ****...

i leave the house for roughly 10 hours and bring
back about £35... sure... it's the easiest shift on my list...
i get paid £35 to watch a football match...
but? today... the sky above Oxford looked more
entertaining than the football match... so? for the majority
of the time while the sun was still clinging
to reign over the sky: i was just looking at very pretty
clouds in the distance... i sometimes can't stomach
these base human foundations for society:
entertainment... i'd rather drink a bottle of wine
and just watch clouds behave like sloths...
or... perhaps not sloths... more like when a jellyfish
****** a cauliflower....

at least there was banter with my "manager"
en route toward Oxford... i ate a McDonald's in the alley
while waiting for him to pick me up...
banter... oh right: code words...
we call them the PLATOON... there's about 40 or so
"banana boat" folk... Daniel is the guy who conjured
up the expression: black don't crack...
what does that mean? you can't tell a black person's
real age... since you can be looking at a black
person who's 50... and you'd guess their age
to be 30... black don't crack...
i really think cosmetic industries should look into
the genome of both black people and people
with downs syndrome: those ******* hardly age...
you can't tell if there's a wrinkle on them...
seriously!
                  white boy humour... white boy
British humour... i'm writing this in complete earnest...
it's not even a joke: well... it's funny in a conversation
when you can crack jokes without a CCTV crow
on your shoulder...
so we cracked jokes about the PLATOON...

Daniel played that famous video of the ventriloquist
with that Ahmed the dead suicide bomber
puppet: I **** YOU...
i laughed on the verge of tears...
it's almost like that Dave Chapel sketch about
uniforms: a woman all tarts and no choux pastry
stuff... and Dave's like: pretending to be a police officer:
excuse me, ma'am... i may be dressed as a police officer!
but it doesn't mean that i am, a police officer!
or Team American's Durka Durka: Muhammad Jihad...
i just said to Daniel: are any of these ***** from
Rotherham? where? oh you know...
that Rotherham grooming gang scandal...
i'd love to get my hands on one of those *****...

a former prisoner officer talking to a former
chemistry student... seriously... those organic chemistry
schematics of electron migration were a bit pointless:
until i realised: they showed me loopholes in
the language... call it the rearrangement of vowels
and consonants... absolutely ridiculous:
since all theory and very little practice...

oh sure... the PLATOON was there...
i started it calling it SLOW-IQ from cousin-*******...
which is true... you have to start calling out
taboos at some point...
i mean: these guys were slow...
Ha-HMED! hark the H... draw a longer breath
and forget that the R was ever associated with a trill
of a rattlesnake...
oh sure... we get sold that puny story-detail
of low testosterone levels in European men....
these days? i was signing them in...
i had to ask 2 or 3 times for them to repeat their names:
they spoke their names so delicately
i couldn't understand them...
and i'm the one who picks up sounds...
my auditory hallucinations sometimes speak louder
than these people, "these people"...

i checked up on some theory...
the length ratio of the index finger to the ring finger...
i look at my left hand... then at my right hand...
oh **** me... no wonder...
i'm a *******... a promiscuous *******...
my ring finger is much longer than my index finger:
much longer on my left hand than my right hand...
ergo? a shorter index finger implies higher levels
of testosterone...
   am i to be, now, what? self-congratulatory...
no... it's intrinsic ontology: i can't help what i am...
just like i can't help with being a raw-red Caucasian
in mentality that's deviant from the British-compact
model...

i cleaned the house in the morning really focusing
on repeating the song My Friends by
the Red Hot Chilli Peppers...
hey... listen... if these ******* have the audacity to
march in with their mosques... blow themselves up for
no grand attaching reason to further each and every one
of our plights: again... life isn't that terrible...
reality isn't unshakeable: unmoveable...
only people unto people make this life difficult:
usually out of complacency... laziness...
a solipsism that doesn't begin to factor in a fact
that solipsism could be a theory: a testing ground
of understanding autism...

but i abhor these Oxford shifts...
i leave them spent... the egress is magic though...
i'm more time-wasting than time-investing...
i still don't understand how inflation works
and i still don't understand why deflation doesn't exist...
the worth of goods increases:
but the method of producing these goods stays
the same... i have to admit...
i'm thinking about going out of my comfort zone...
looking into the thinking of economists
and not philosophers...
after all, my name was once allocated
to one famous tax-collector...
                     mind you: i like thinking about money...
not that i have a stash of it...
just enough to enjoy thinking about it...
i like thinking about money because i don't think
about spending it like most people do:
like most people who spend it frivolously and therefore
don't have enough of it and therefore
are in debt: these people are in debt because
they spend money on credit...
i have money, because i spend money on debit...

i couldn't never allow myself to accept a credit based
system of expenditures...
it made no sense to me: sure, you have more protection
using a credit card than a debit card...
after all the current system focuses more on creditors
than it does on debtors... then again: like for like...
you need less creditors than debtors:
you actually require more people in debt than
those willing to provide credit...
but then there are people like me who hyper-focus
on an earning-spending dynamic who
avoid building up too much credit:
by not building too much credit...
you can't exactly build up your... "debit score rating":
there's no "debit score" rating...
money turns into water...
you behave like your wallet if a dam...
that's a "metaphor" for savings and expenditure...

it's impossible for me to spend on credit...
why? i can't earn on credit:
well... i can earn on credit of my performance:
but that's a different sort of credit:
it's a credit i earn... rather than spend...
but i spend exclusively on debit...
on the basis of a debt i'm owned for my work...
i like money...
in philosophy there's that scared word: THING...
and NOTHING...
in economics there's that word too: MONEY...
and NO-MONEY...
oddly enough nothing is a categorised as a pronoun
while thing is categorised as a noun...
ergo? money is a noun and no-money
is a pronoun...

                    it's not even about being poor...
broke-***... it's about having enough money to do...
whatever the hell you want...
without a co-dependant... no woman: no children...
i can ******* from a shift... ask to be dropped
off at a petrol station... rather than the usual pick-up
spot... buy a £3 platter of sushi...
three ciders... a 10 packet of cigarettes...
eat... smoke a cigarette... then take at least two
bottles of cider dancing into the night...
i used to love swimming... now? if it's not cycling
it's walking... esp. come the night...

there's nothing quiet like it...
i hate these Oxford shifts... if it wasn't for the humour
i don't think i would have ever bothered...
focus on perception...
it's all about the TILT of the EARTH...
from the winter months and the summer months...
i was admiring the night thinking about
just that... this one... constellation...
in the summer months she's up-close...
you can see her enlarged (yeah?
things in English are generally asexual...
but you can ascribe *** to them...
like in most sensible tongues of the European
continent, there can be a sense of
the masculine and the feminine in nouns...
there's no need for gender-neutral pronouns...
there can exist gender-provocative nouns...
constellations are feminine)

   right... so there's this one jaw-dropper
of a constellation...
it's massive in the summer-time...
can't miss it... what the naked eye can't miss:
the mind ought to write about...

you know the constellation i'm talking about:
during the summer months it's enlarged...
but during the winter months it's squeezed into
its compact representation:
it's the same ******* constellation...
but since the earth is tilted on its axis...
that tilt generates a "disparity" of vision...
it's microscopically viewed in the summer months
and macroscopically viewed in the winter
months... when you sometimes walk the night
streets... tilt your head left to right...
and watch a bonanza of frost settling on the pavement
like it might be the glitter of paparazzi's cameras
eventing a strobe light effect of frost
glitter paving your honoured walk back
to a cold bed where only you or perhaps a cat might
be sleeping in...

no... it's not the constellation of cancer:
it's the constellation of scorpio:

                    •
                •
            •

­                   •
                      •
                          .
           ­                                  •

    •

that's most definitely a scorpion...
the tail... the torso... and the two pincers
extending...
but i'm not referring to the constellation
of scorpio... i'm refferering
to...the trapezium with a tail...

the big and little wheelbarrow constellation are
one and the same...


                        •


                                                                ­            •
                                            •


                                                 •                  •


it just depends on how the earth tilts...
call it her the little and big wheelbarrow...
microscopic in the realm of summer:
macroscopic in the realm of winter...
not a rhombus with a tail?
and what about the constellation of
scorpio...

three days by: Jane's Addiction...
always with the bass guitar that gets me...
now admire the tilt of the earth as this one constellation
all the same moves in and out to to an even greater
focus... "flat earth" expert as myself
ought to know... knowing one's own geometrics of
not having the luxury of parodying
movements that
demand the rigours of traffic...
such is a man's luxury of trailing behind night...
trailing behind dreams:
behind dreaming...
such is this world: that affords me so much
luxury... so little mediocracy...
            
tonight i brought back an acorn...
no... i wish i brought back an albino mulberry...
then again: i wish i brought back an oak conker...
but i prefer acorns more...
those hatted pebbles... oak? chestnut...
a corn that's not corns... that's acorn?
conker then... no? a nut with thoughts of
pirate X-marks-the-spot-chests?!
etymological tested grounds of frequented nouns...
hammer... table... mosquito...
            sun and moon...
                        sun as a he and moon:
although however stressed asexually: will be a she
in Ing-Leash.
you hear it all the ****** time, esp in England, trying to live this Babylonian multiculturalism without polymaths in sight, this itchy term of justifying incremental infringements, islamophobia: as if terrorist attacks don't justify the phobia, as if i don't "suffer" the jokingly endearing arachnophobia... that i can't rationalise a fear, that is becoming more a stance from the position of tedium... oculus per oculus (eye for an eye): to reiterate with a (now) reinforced emphasis: why so Russophobic... why so serious? i don't understand the Russophobic vibes... the Russian are in a defensive mode... why wonder as to the reason for a why, the how has been blatantly obvious: to begin with.

Russian Russian not my friend,
***** ***** rusz Rusa...
róża - rose rose...
         rusz Rusa: move the rose...
if Nietzsche equated the Lachs
to the French of the Germanic world...

German neighbour
Rome's a neighbour...
more tanks in Poland than in
England, Germany, Italy,
France and Spain combined...

if the Polacks are the French
equivalent
the Russians must be English
the Ukrainians Germans
and the Balkan tribulations
the Italian polyglot monstrosity
Yugols collectively...

if...
such that when push comes to shove:
i wonder whether those
canons are aiming at Moscow
or whether... they might
suddenly turn toward Berlin...

so much for not feeling welcome
on the continent
bad neighbours...
siege of Vienna - before any
inclination of an Ottoman ***-lick
conquest...

or is that somehow juvenile
to have a historical disposition
rather than the modern
journalistic jargon:
since when did journalism
outweigh the importance of
reading history?

why do journalists think they can
somehow overpower historians:
Heidegger was obsessed with
historiology -
again: when you get ****** in
the mouth by a **** amphetamine
*****
while a drunk Russian comes
at you from behind...
never mind those УПА *******
in Ruthenia celebrating the ****
annexation of "my" land..

i'm asking a question: is a study of
history somehow juvenile:
holding onto this old qualms
and disputes?
while the rest of the populace
is lost to the altar of journalistic
malevolence and celeb-pleb culture?

not that i could ever:
but pan-Slavism 2.0? any takers?
out of necessity of asking a question:
as Heidegger (to reiterate)
would put it:
is something question-worthy?
is this question-worthy?

well if the blacks can do it...
celebrate it in London at a concert
by none other than...
Wizkid... if there can be a pan-Africanism
well... what am i entitled to:
as an Anglo-Slav?
the same shared history of the banality
of Anglo-Saxons who differentiate
their Roman history context
as having inherited what the Welsh
and the Picts were subjected to?

come to think of it: i too can play
identity politics -
and socialism worked...
as a one off special circumstance
for only an exclusive amount of time...
as a failsafe mechanism against
foreign investment
as a rebuilding economic model
that could be reiterated in Syria
as it was iterated in Poland
because: like **** did "we" get a whiff
of the Marshall Plan...
Switzerland and Sweden got a whiff
of it: yet... neutral(?)

but what if this is all a poker game?
as much as i had respect
for English society and still do...
certain influences from across the pond
are bothering me...
so un-European so uncivilised...
technically "we" could band together
but watching Islam do a stinker
in these:
what did Chamberlain say about
Czechoslovakia?
alluding to the profanity in Kendura:
#metoo
            
"quarrel in a far away country,
between people of whom we know nothing..."

right... wow! with the empire
that stretched toward India
   and the current immigration climate...
    seems "we": your European neighbours are just
that... far far away... we know nothing
of the same script we write in...
might as well:

durka durka Muhammad jihad
right, the, ****, back at you!
well sooner or later you'll be glorifying Blahlah
with your ******* up in the air
for the massive deity **** *******:

are "we" Christians?
i thought that the Polacks were Catholics
as a joke... like the Italians are
Catholics as a joke...
weren't "we" the last defenders of
paganism in Europe?
Christianity spread to this continent
like a pain like a sloth
it had to be brought over by the Hebs
themselves...
even now: 2000+ years later i'm
still not convinced - although i am
by the ingenious Heb reality...

durka durka bengali bud bud...
**** of the neck and twisting in *******
lightbulbs:
but ooh! Czechoslovakia: Rapunzel land!
i absolutely abhor this English
ignorance about the continent...
even grouping "us" as "eastern europe"...
for starters... "we" are CENTRAL
european... east is somehow a slur...
there's England France Germany blah blah
and that's distinctive:
but the rest of us are somehow
collectivised into the east...

         a Romanian is an Albanian etc
oh but don't mention the Greeks...
those ******* are Syrians...

so i ask: would there be a point of
invading a place already rife with its own
spastic liberalism?
or is this simply a taste of flexing
telling the other to shove that neoliberal
postmodernist
                        mantra up it's **** eclipse?

i might no like the Russians
but... push comes to shove...
                              better that than
a transgender hangover... so un-Hippocratic
so irresponsible!
neo-**** smiles at these chemical castrations:
all these western post-Victorian
social experiments...
and i'm not supposed to become
emotionally invested in any of this?
i'm not supposed to rely of emotions
from time to time?
       become a pacified buddhist *****?
become a lobotomised Christian?
not gravitate to my innate: unshakeable
ontological foundations -
                       my Darwinistic impulses?
i can't have my secular wants met
       because of some ninja bullies?!

i've inherited living through Joseph
and Adolph... maybe not personally:
and to think i would play it "sensible" now
is asking for moo but not the milk
from a cow.
Chelsea Avendano Feb 2012
I waited for hours, I watched the sun set. I counted the minutes, but still nothing yet.
When it turned into days, that id just sit and wait.. I got up and I thought, no one's ever this late!
So I pondered and pondered for when you'd arrive,
but then i remember that we've once said goodbye.
I had waited so long, for you to come home.
When in reality i sat, in cowtown alone .
But now i am comming! Ill be on my way,
just give me a week.. And at home i will stay.

— The End —