Dear Courtney,
I do hope this message in a bottle finds you well. It's only appropriate that I should follow suit and return the blow you dealt me in similar fashion. Unlike you, however, I'll try to refrain from praying to your god (whomever that may be) that something awful might happen to you in order to accomplish the purpose of this letter.
I'm not writing from a place of jealousy; it's important that I make that clear. I knew this day was inevitable, and to be honest, I'm really not upset about it. Truth be told, you couldn't have picked anyone better. What does upset me, however, is the fact that you get to go back to normal like something didn't come along and shatter your entire paradigm all in a matter of days. You may not feel it in the same way that I do, but you're just as guilty as me.
Instead, I take comfort in knowing you're serving out the same miserable sentence as I am. Such an awful way to feel about another person, much less confess in open air where they might easily stumble upon it. Sound familiar? I thought it might. Not that virtue matters much to me anymore. You may be fooling everyone else for now, but we both know you know better. Maybe in time with a little luck you'll be able to fool even yourself back into the hole of ignorance. But, I couldn't possibly imagine how. Or perhaps you really don't know better. Some matters remain to be seen. For that, I would envy you. It's better for one to be blind sided than to live out their days in fear and loathing.
Moving on may have been easier for you, and that's okay. But, you haven't any right to belittle me because, A. I had you pegged the entire time and I didn't even know it. You were only mad because you got caught; and B. I was caught up in something you clearly could not see to comprehend. Which, I must admit, comes as a big surprise. You've witnessed things with your own two eyes that you couldn't possibly explain. I know, because I was there.
Be that as it may, you didn't see the half of it. Not a fraction of it. Nothing you were there to witness could hold a flame to events that would follow my departure. After what little we did go through together it should come as no surprise that I would be stuck somewhere time; reliving the same nightmare day in and day out. The worst part, it doesn't end when I open my eyes. Believe me or not, everything I told you was accurate. I knew the possible outcomes, even then. Only now I get to watch one of them unfold. Step. By. Step. Maybe instead of trying as hard as I could to believe you when you told me I was crazy, I should have been paying more attention.
If I weren't extraordinarily stubborn I can assure you that I would most certainly be dead; so, please, try to forgive me for my lack of composure while you tell me all about post traumatic stress.
I never wanted to be with you again. It was never a ploy to try and reel you back in. All I ever wanted was to talk about it with the one person who might be able to understand. You know very well that things like that don't just happen to people. That's something you're forced to admit. Whatever that was, you are connected to it. Whether we like it or not. I sure don't, but unfortunately, that's just the way it is. I had to get your attention the only way that I knew how. It was about telling you the truth and connecting the dots in order to help you see beyond your interpretation of possibility; as well as the danger that you're in. I really did try my best.
Then, one day I happened upon your entry. How you were so insecure that you were willing to settle with somebody you loathed in fear of never finding someone as good as him. How he was such a good boyfriend that you couldn't find a way to justify leaving. How you would pray to god that he would "**** up" so bad that you could finally get your window of opportunity. You seriously need to be careful what you wish for.
Granted, I had a pretty serious drug problem that I had omitted up until the last few months we were together. It was awful of me to hide that from you, but I came clean on my own accord, and not because I got caught. I made the decision to take the responsibility of upholding my moral obligation to come clean before we were to be married. If only you had enough decency to reciprocate the honesty. That isn't an issue that affects the foundation of a relationship. I really did love you after all was reduced. It wasn't that difficult obstacle to overcome. What you did, however, was build that foundation on a lie that you only used as temporary support.
Funny how accurate those gut feelings can turn out to be sometimes. One by one, you listed each of my insecurities. What's even funnier, is that you were guilty of every last one of them. Truth be told, most of the things you hated about me were simply a mirrored image your own projected insecurities. I had never been in a serious relationship before you came along. You are the one who set my example. And I'd almost be willing to bet it's even worse today. It must be exhausting having the reeling thought that you're not good enough for somebody. You're probably right this time. Eventually, you'll lose your grip of your facade and show him how controlling you are. Most guys won't put up with girls like you, and to you, that tolerance was one factor that made me a comodity.
Instead of admitting your fault, you called me something along the lines of a ****** and threatened to file harassment charges if I said another word. That's how I knew I had finally beat you at your own manipulation game. Although, the victory didn't quite live up to my expectation. I didn't win any satisfaction. Instead, I died a little. As for you, you were dead long before we met. If you ever do manage to find out who you are, I hope you're able stay there.
My final word of wisdom:
I suggest with the highest urgency that you search to understand the meaning of what I'm about to say as if your life depends on it. Because, quite literally, it does.
Now, if you don't feel the struggle, and you'll know precisely the one I'm referring to if you ever have (to my knowledge, by your own admission, you haven't); know that it's just the venom causing sedation. Like a rat, the serpent watches intently as the venom works its way throughout the body. Waiting patiently as its prey climbs slowly into agony and utmost despair. In the dead of night, the rat never saw what hit him. Until death swallowed him whole. Don't be the rat.
Anti-venom is available if you know who to ask. The flashlight is not cheap, and you had better understand exactly what's on that receipt and count the cost before you commit. Failure to fully comprehend and follow that last step will see to it that you perish. Though, even as I write this, I understand there is a dissonant reality in which efforts may very well fall in vain. Be that the case, may God have mercy on our souls.
Sincerely,
-Cody
