i made a home for myself,
inside the lungs that you filled with cigarette,
and it wasn't anything beautiful or poetic that made me leave:
i ran out of air.

you called me your princess,
but i wore bruises on my emotions instead of a tiara.
i used makeup to hide the stains of sleepless, tearfilled nights,
chameleoning myself into your facade of lovers bliss.

i ran for my life when i ran from you,
the toxicity of your carbon monoxide affections;
revealed when i let myself become high on oxygen,
to breathe it all in.

No one ever told me one of the HARDEST parts of therapy and trauma therapy and finally working on you, is that you'd discover the things you've hated the most from others are in you. That all the trauma and abuse you've been through some of it has remained and morphed and became a part of you. That along the way you've also became the problem, that along the way of other abusing you you've become great at abusing yourself and others at times .. you have to actually face the fact you've become a disgusting version of yourself. And you also have to face that in the years since you've been broken since childhood you've also collected more broken exes broken relationships, broken friendships. You've hoarded your trauma's you've hoarded your brain you've hoarded your house you've hoarded your memories you've hoarded your friends. I've spent so many years masking and chameleoning to partners . Family . Friends . You name it I've molded I've adapt ... But then I've also lost myself so much and this therapy woah has brought up a lot and woah do I feel confused .... Man I've had moments of excitement and happiness and moments of total rage and loss and sadness... Therapy for trauma is hard. I've been in and out of hospitals and therapies and treatment since a teen and every time I legit did think I wanna change I did wanna die I did hate life and everyone in it I thought I was ready .. but I never really was . I never was ready to face the fact that I may have all these traumas and disconnects and issues that was caused by others but I've mutated it and am also the problem. And I'm working very hard at recorrecting my negative habits and behaviors I've developed along the way.

Healing brings such heart ache too why does no one talk about that too ... Once you finally start healing from your trauma's it's extremely painful and heart breaking. I feel like lately I've been mourning my child self and my teen self and my 20s self for all the hurt she went through ... I repressed and masked and people pleased so much back then that I forgot to feel . I forgot anger is okay and you can express it healthy . I forgot having a voice is okay I forgot having boundaries is okay I forgot I am a bad as ***** who can do whatever she wants and if the world doesn't like it they can go **** on my big ****** up toe nail!

I'm almost 32 and I've had a good I'd say 23 years of people trying to dim my light or tell me I'm to much or to emotional or to expressive and I've repressed myself so much it's to a point of rage and sorrow and hate and sadness. I'm so thankful for this therapy and opportunity to grow and reflect and even see myself in the light I hate, but hey there is only going up right ... If I hate myself for who I've become I can either continue living my life like I have all theses years or I can fix what I hate about myself in my head ... Since my head likes to lie to me so much all day and tell me how fat and horrible and pathetic and useless I am ... Let's go to the gym and work on that body you hate ... Lets keep going to trauma therapy and group therapy and really do the homework and work on yourself ... If you hate yourself ... Welp what do you hate Arielle ... Write that list and work on those things, talk about them on therapy. You can't get worse then you really are if you are this horrible person this pathetic person this useless person you say you are.. so if there is no getting worse then this. There can only be going up right ....

It's not at all perfect and I may sometimes come off online like I am happy or got my **** together or I'm getting my **** together .. NAH WHERE IS THE **** ARIELLE .. be honest ... It's been totally **** guys ... I'm doing the hard work and the therapy but I'm struggling and mourning and in bed a lot lately and this isn't like me . Sure a day in bed sleeping a lot after days of **** sleep . But lately this isn't like me especially with Jon here. But again that's okay I'm mourning my past trauma my past hurt my past repression of feelings . They say there is seven stages to grief.

Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings. ...
Pain and guilt. ...
Anger and bargaining. ...
Depression. ...
The upward turn. ...
Reconstruction and working through. ...
Acceptance and hope. ...

In trauma treatment right now I feel like there is also much going back and forth between all these stages.. and moments where I think I'm at the end but nope ... And I have to come to accept there is so much trauma and pain to grieve over that it's gonna take a while and makes total sense to go back and forth and all over the place ... Just because they say these are these stages I ain't a regular kinda girl so it's not gonna go the way it would for most and I need to accept that.

I have so many moments during this trauma treatment where I'm having flash backs or disassociating and then my mental state feels like I'm me at different kid stages or teen stages and my ability to cope that day or that moment is based on which Arielle is currently present .. 11 year old Ari 8 year old Ari 13 year old Ari 15 year old or 17 is who you'll usually get and I can't even imagine how frustrating that is lately for the people around me who just don't get it and see a 32 year old being immature or abusive or whatever .... Ptsd is a ****** mental illness. I'm working on fixing these issues of mine but I'm also learning sometimes it's not me the problem anymore and I can step away from situations even if it's not my norm ... Man re raising myself is fucken hard as **** ... Can I return this child ... I don't like her hahaha (clearly using humor to deflect my **** feeling right now, if you've even gotten this far in reading my post I'm sorry for the diarrhea of a post. I've got a lot of self haltered and grief I'm dealing with.

Man healing brings such confusion and pain ... Along with the good stuff to. I guess you really can't have the good without the bad huh