Grew up most of my life so dissacioated
as If I was almost  already dead in real life.

I just blocked out  my heart
my mind out of everything,
because the pain of all that was done to me
was  so harsh the body and mind just couldn't  process it:

Now for 3 years all I can do is remember,
and what can I say,
I see why I hid it from myself
for 23 years.

Hell on earth
to be tortured by humans so much
Its like I wonder
DO GOOD KIND HUMANS
exist ?!

Who will treat me with kindness
who won't judge me
or try to use me for their own selfish gains?

So far I have only met very few people like this
and I  just really try to be this way too.
I just don't understand how the pain
hurts so much
its like the more healing I do
the more I see.

The way things truly are,
not how I want them to be
and how ****** cruel
life has been to me.

Yet I know I am here for a greater purpose
and that is why I am still alive,
after wanting to die for such a long time,
I feel that I understand heaven and angels more than
I understand the cruelty and pain of humans
and this 3d reality.

That's why I sit with art and nature
and cats and animals
it feels like they don't judge me
or laugh at me
or expect me to look a certein way
or sound a certin way
or the way my voice quivers when I am feeling anxious
trying to speak hebrew
but feeling so ashamed inside
I just feel like a stranger
everywhere.
I just feel so done inside
for so long
I have tried so hard
if I looked a certein way
had certein  intrests
than I would make friends
but I didn't
they never cared.

So now I am really trying to just be me
fully love myself,
and trust that the right people
will come when they are meant to.

I see displaced empathy around me
it seems the world only wants to care about the palestinans death and horror
empathy cannot and should not just be for once side
for when my people were being burnt and charred to bits
and baked in an oven 3 weeks ago
the world didn't care all that much
and told us we made it up
while still we are weeping
they claim we are lying
while now chanting for our deaths in the streets
is it 2023 or 1933?
I wander if my great grandparents were alive now
what they would think?
Its such a tragedy that so many people care about equal rights
except when it comes to Jews or Jewish children ...
suddenly we are at fault??
so call it what it is
if one can only be sad about certein deaths
and only condemn certein things
it means your empathy is broken
especially if your not even involved in this conflict
I hope humanity can wake up
and reclaim their kindness and goodness.

Maybe this sounds hippie of me
although some might classify me as that
being who I truly who I am ,
but I can't be classified
into to tiny boxes,
just to please others.
:
Its like I left therapy
and I felt so free
more free than I have felt ,
in the longest time
realizing that who we are
is always who we are
even though
my" family and friends",
spend decades hurting me
because they hated who I was,
for whatever reason that is,
maybe its  because I break
their expectations of what a woman
is suppose to be like,
act like and who
she is suppose to love,
some will say I'm a rebel
a ****
a witch
a ******
an emo
a freak
a loser
messy
etc...
I've been called it all...
maybe others can't stand
to see others living more in their authentic truth,
so they like to hurt and project their pain onto others,

maybe our bodies and minds
hold back certein truths about ourselves
so that we don't see it until we are more ready to love ourselves,
           :
Its like for so long
I liked certein types of men
that I was raised to hate,
because they weren't "man enough."

I was forced to live without boundaries
to like people that were abusive
because that's all that I knew,
when the whole time my body always knew the truth.

or that I was forced to hide my love for women,
because I was brought up in a home and in a religion
where if you are one of those,
the shame the level of being ostracized is so high,
I remember hearing stories of "the gays"
growing up
while always internally knowing,
that part of me is like that too,
to be able to sit with a therapist
and have her say to me
who you are is perfectly alright,
and  that it doesn't quite matter,
you have choice
you are free!!!

See that I've never had in my life,
the more I step away from the horrors of my old life,
the more I am able to acknowledge
how horrific it was,
and sometimes just the fact that,
I am alive and breathing is a blessing
in itself.
If you made it this far ,
leave a comment below
and tell me if you relate:)

My whole life everyone has abused me
hurt me
tried to shrink me
laughed at me, when I was down
spat at me
and told me I was nothing.

Now you know whats even better
the men who laugh at me objectify me
the women who insult me my body
and who I am,
think that I am worthless
maybe you haven' experienced what I have in life,
but I will say this,
you haven't seen me in my villian era.

See many feminists
won't actually admit
that women
can be just as bad as men or worse
see it ain't about gender
its about a certein kind of people
who are rotten to the core,
and they don't show their face,
until after they are done.

But KARMA sees and knows.

oh so this goes out to all my haters
everyone that acted like my friend
and was my actual flesh and blood
who harassed my body
made ****** jokes about me
who hate me for just existing,
well really you just hate yourself
and when these things have happened to me
I would just wanna die
and say what's the point??

and I still feel that way ,
but this time
I am even more empowered
to be even more in my power
and to not allow those who are
toxic as hell
to take me down anymore!

One day I will meet my people
and the ones who deserve it will
get what they need,
because that's how the universe works
I trust it
I have my whole life,

always tried to be the good person
but no more.
I just laugh
because its always the men
who claim to be feminists
and woke,

its the women who pertend to be awakened and spiritual
y'all are just lying pieces of sht
so don't pertend to be awakened
when clearly your just a piece of hell.
I hope you learn your lesson
because I ain't being around you anymore.

I allow the dark feminine to rise within me
and I say enough is fcking enough!!

went out today
worked on really not oversharing
it feels really hard to mask
but what can I do
I live in a world with certein social rules
although I may not understand them
I am really trying hard to
and that's all that I can do.
I saw the girls that I know sitting on the side
so I ask them how they are and try to make conversation
and they just don't really care.
I wish I didn't care
and sometimes I wish I couldn't feel energies
its intense.