the Big Gruff Man
let the fear from his soul
leak through gray stone eyes

how hard the matter
must have been pressed
before he released his grip
on that liquid prize

what a strange sight
seeing water falling,
falling,
                falling,
                                falling
from those grave, stone eyes

he looks at me
as though i hold the key
to unlock the lock
and release the chain
binding him to his pain

look away Big Gruff Man
or i will drown
in your pleading stare

for you are me
or more to the point
what i fear to be

i scream to his deaf ears
"it is not the matter
but the clinging
that brings your pain!"

let it go,
                  let it go,
                                   let it go

the waters will come
the waters will rise
the waters will carry you away

If only I had just one day I want to peacefully fall asleep intoxicated with your sweet scent I want to put my body in your warm and deep eyes I like that, your long, straight hair Your breathtaking neck when you put it up and the strands that fall out Wherever we go, my handbag is your waist Yo ma honey, whenever I see you, I run out of breath Like the streets of Myungdong, our BGM is the sound of breathing Your voice when you say my name I wanna be locked in you and swim in you, I want to know you more. An explorer venturing through your deep forest of mystery I appreciate the masterpiece that is you because your existence alone is art I imagine this all night every day because it’s a meaningless dream anyway

(BGM:  Greetings From Tuskan - Melancholia
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YC-lkqDE9U0)

times were hard. no one was to blame,
unaware, we asked for it. what was the hurry
for?

there ain’t something as pure as the
reminiscent rusty old
white gates and the glory
of the afternoon

nothing was ever too hot
or too cold
as cartoons were

the days, the tears of the troubled,
why did we asked for it?
our mothers did their best
our fathers did their best
our brothers,
our sisters, cousins

the white gates you no longer
recognize
the greetings you used to get

the letters are now electronic
why did we asked for it?

see? aren’t we all kind? we used to
be kind, right?

we preferred the smell of sampaguitas
over the illustrated perfumes

the artistry of our time, are now filled
with cigarettes, we see our lives with every drag

why did we asked for it?

reminiscent rusty old white gates
and the glory of the afternoon
where are you? where are we?
where is where?
reminiscent rusty old white gates,
your flaked skin has timed.
why did we asked for it?

there is
inside me
at my deepest part
a little black ball
of rage

i don’t know how it got there
well, that’s only half true
i don’t know how it quite got there
at my core
at the heart of my being
but i know when it got there
hewn hard into my flesh
my mind, bones
tempered into me each night
my matriarch’s take
on hephaestus’s forge
and each morning
quenched in the light of day
each walk to school
under the sun’s yawning beams
miasma erupting from my pores
the liminal release before
the cycle began
anew

so, suffice it to say,
it’s in there deep.
DEEP deep.
and it reminds me every day.
hissing out from my heart
seething out of my skin
the steady sssssssss
of it always in the periphery
BGM for my life
like whatever that Animal Crossing theme is called
but sharper
a slicing sliver of steam

most days
she’s content to rest easy
in the wet dark alcoves inside me
a passive hum of her slumbering ember
rattling from my chest

on others
she demands her freedom
tells me i don’t deserve the reins
tells me i need her to lead us
i say “no”
she rouses
sizzling note rising to a low rumble
she says yes
i say No.
first
a jet of flame
burning bright blue white
like the first blazing pinions
from a piece of fresh firewood
seared sap seeping into
sssssssss
down to deep crimson
a spider lily dancing out of me
showing me
beautifully bouncing
and it’s tempting to get lost in that
get lost in the beauty of a renegade part
of your very own soul saying
****. That.
saying
****. You.
there’s something profound about it
(and someday, i hope a wiser person than i can tell you about it)
but getting lost in it is a snare
a distraction
more importantly
there’s the
ssssssssseething

if you listen hard now
the little black ball
she says
sssssssss
no one will ever understand you
sssssssss

another burst of light
that sinks sallow
from it
she shrieks
sssssssss
your only talent is pain
sssssssss

now a cascade
SSSSSSSSS
she roars now
a lioness tearing her way out of me
into me
she says
you know it would be better if it was just all gone  
my back erupting
a billowing cloak of indignant ignition
stoked by memories of midnight visitors
with knives or less
and christmas eves in dank dirt rooms
of ****** tears and well-tended wounds
and this is part of the temptation, to be honest
to just              

                                burn
with
it

to let go and feel
fall to it all
to succumb to the anger.
sorrow. vengeful vigor.
ambrosia would feel like this
ultimate release
my metaphorical form Usagi mid-transformation

                                 We
Burn

and i’m gone

there’s no me
just us
just her
we’re a phoenix of rage
she sneers through my teeth
a cheshire grin in smoke
she leers through my eyes
unblinking and vulpine
together, we cut down forests
burn and salt the earth
in devastation there is clarity, ya know?
we seethe
we embrace
in that flame
we connect
we seethe
shrieking a banshee’s call
unheard to all
but us
We
Seethe

and it feels amazing
truly
but as we all know
there is a cost to such things
and the cost of flames is steep
so. not plan A.

she needs out though
my little black ball
and i think she deserves to seethe
she deserves to rage
and so, some days,
i let her out
i let her out
here
right here
she reaches for you
wants you to know
the burden and blessing
the sorrow
the anger
the hiss of her voice
she wants to be known
she wants you to know her
you're almost there
it only burns for a moment
can you hear her?
can you hear her
sssssssss?

Can I hide in a comfy quiet space or with a soft instrumental bgm to read a book or magazine all day? Good food and a cup of ice white coffee. Nice scenery, starburst and sparkles. Date night  with authors and  late night at museums and galleries that open past midnight.