I have all my materials, a bathingsuit and
everything my tutor gave me. I love
to dip my leg in the water up to my
knees to check if the fluids are good.

But last week, when I knew I would
have to jump, I sabotaged myself, o why,
did I have to climb the ladder of
that springboard, I could not hand

myself some help, now I could not
feel the water. I had to jump without
the checking, it felt rather nerve-racking.
So I took the leap of no return, only south.

I went in head first, lessons didn't help a lot.
It was never the brightest idea, selftuition.

I remember opening the little white box
Its sits lightly among the rest
We sat on your couch
I imagine you with your wine
Your non dairy icecream
And not with distaste any longer
But little flickers of sadness
At how comfortable
We were
We were becoming
And how it all had to go.

You gave me my Christmas presents
Though you hate Christmas
I got you into the spirit
I wonder if you will hang your wreath
I was so glad
I felt so relieved
To have someone to share it all with
Among our hard work
My never knowing
And needing to discuss
I slept in your bed as often as I could
Because I so badly needed to feel
That this was it.

I wore the bracelet again recently
And I remember just how it all felt
When we were near our end
And how everyone was rooting for us
So vehemently
To work it out, to make it work
This was it right?
This was supposed to be it right?

Sometimes I will look at my reflection
In my bathroom mirror
And I'll remember how I looked
In your pants
Your sweatshirt
I would wash my face
And breathe in deep
Like ah yes
This part of my life is figured out.

I think I wanted to believe
That this was all leading to somewhere
And maybe it was
But I never moved in
And my hopes for the future I had built in my head
Clucking and cooing with your bird
"Now we really have to get married"
I looked past so much
I looked past and through so much
And loved you despite all your flaws.

I was young
Younger than I feel I am now
In my black bathingsuit
As you took photos of me
While on a conference call
We would order one of everything at the restaurant
I felt so spoiled
So lucky
And really kind of bored.

I needed a lot from you
From myself
From the world
That you could never give me
And today
Tonight
I have found myself encountering
A silent disbelief
That it didn't work out.

I just still can't believe
It didn't work out.

And perhaps that was me
That was I
Wanting to sell myself so hard on it all
And when the sun goes down
The moments of little contentment that we shared
They appear from underneath my bed again
So I gave the aloneness
The solitude
The failure of what I hoped we would be.

I heard the news
Among the hum and whistle
Of a busy night.

In mere seconds
I knew you were off the market
I laughed and felt a general shock
I've been through so much at this point
Nothing can really bring me down.

I heard how it looked
What the post was like
Do you remember on this day last year
How we flew back together
I convinced you to stay with me
And it was all such effort
Oh it was all so much ******* effort.

You had red roses delivered
A little card, I think
We didn't go to dinner
I remember I was sad about that.

Sitting on my red couch
The one you broke
Red wine, wet whistles
I tried with all my might
To take it all in stride
And to match the wide width
Of what you hoped for me to be.

But it all ended
I wrote on your pizza box in lipstick
And looked back only for closure
Saying each time,
This, this is the last time
And now its really done
It really is over
You mustered up the courage to put a ring
On another.

Black bathingsuit
Everyone liked our pictures
And now those same friends
Are supportive but don't like my pictures
But exclaim they are so glad its over
Its always so funny
When folks find comfort
And peril
In couples
Who seem happy
But perhaps

Really aren't.