I am not numb
For numb is having emotions too much to bare
Too complicated to sift through
Too tangle up to sort out
Too overwhelming to rise above
That everything just merges into nothing.

Robotics
Mechanics
Manic antics.
No longer unmotivated
No longer too scared to try
No longer too pained to care
No longer too hurt to love.
The threads you were hanging on by we're annihalated.
But you're not falling
Or panicking
Or soaring
Or dying
You're just existing.
Going through the motions of the decent or the flight.
Taking everything in your stride.
Not faltering
Not altering the way you do things.
Everything is transformed
Emotion feels nonexistent
And thoughts become frail.

But my days are numbered.
Not because I can't feel
Or won't feel
But because everything is mediocre.
Soaring is going up
Plummeting is going down
Rising above the **** is up
Being in he'll is going down
Torture is annoying pain
Euphoria is mild joyfulness
Depression is a shadow
Love is a fleck of light
Being haunted is remembering
Thoughts are just there
And my existence is passing me by.

My days are numbered
Because my torturous reward is this cage.
This daze
This haze
This maze of feelings
Impossible to navigate when everything is foggy.

My days are numbered
Because when you push something so far away
You're just giving it momentum to hit monumentally harder.  
And I can't escape this daze
But when I'm released...
I fear the outcome.

An ode to my mother, mom you are my strength
For you, my God, I would go to any length
A gorgeous day not a single cloud of angst
As you rest peaceful in Heaven's outer banks


As high as a kite on selfless joy and pride
The sun grew jealous of light you held inside
You came home for Christmas gung ** bonafide
The world kept turning you were ready to ride


You could inhale hope smile and exhale faith
No marathons instead you won every race
Told to rest, but NO! You were God's special case
Wide eyes would float you to any destined place


Last Summer Point Pleasant you rode on the swings
Got off, and yelled, please don't let me do these things
You flew that day and today you've earned your wings
Angel for a mom makes me the king of kings


Could hardly walk and worse you could barely breathe
But you walked on out to meet the ocean breeze
The beach was all yours the perfect day was seized
Summer with Autumn was no longer make believe


You hit Atlantic City you doubled down
Toured the hotels and had fun you love that town
We had wonderful laughs there I love the sound
You chased happiness you didn't **** around


The woman who fought a most perilous strife
Never knew sympathy, although it enticed
Less than incredible simply never sufficed
Stronger than Superman you saved your own life


A hero disquised, stood only 5 foot 3
Ravaged skyscrapers desperate to revive me
Choked out fear, annihalated anxiety
You wove my path to enlightenment finally


Ask the doctors they call you miracle girl
Guided me close while my vision was blurred
Showed me light when darkness developed a hold
You opened my eyes to a spiritual world


A moment to thank you for eternal love
Kind symbolized by a quiet morning's dove
Perfect well yes I surely fell quite short of
And more and more love you were deserving of


But mom know as you fought your nemesis time
And never surrendered it helped me define
Suffering as being divine by design
Your life was so beautiful rescued was mine