A light is lit within as my mind wanders the caverns of my inner
thought, there are many twists and turns as I venture through my inner
being, the thrill holds me dear to interactions with others as I draw
close to my abilites of perfect conversation through sheer laughter and
pure enjoyment...I live for the moment to come as the momentum of
today spins out of control, my mind falls to its own eminent reaction

And now it makes sense
why I feel this way
I have been doing so much
healing work,
the past few days
and so I am starting to feel
again ,
probably for the first time
in eons.
I understand
why it feels so hard
to go about this world
in my female body,
It hurts so deeply
I remember
it as if it was  but a moment
when I realized
that it had all changed,
that I could no longer  just  be a tomboy
and a girl who loves tea parties and dresses
for it was sexualized all of it .

I had to look pretty
I had to be sold for my looks
and for my baby making house wife abilites,
to please the men around me .

And than when I met my brothers last year
it felt like a betrayal on the deepest levels
of my soul
that it completely broke me,
for I saw how it had all changed
how they had changed,
into people that I couldn't recognize anymore,
and it has hurt so deeply
consumed me so much ,
that I haven't even been able
to write even one letter on it .

It was like the mask was ripped off of my face
and I saw how they saw me
and the pain of that
made me just wanna be a man.
anyone,
so that I can be seen in the world
as a person .

For so long
I hated even being pretty
because I soon realized
that for so many people
especially men,
that was all I was
and for me
I am such a deep soul
that I want people to see
who I am
and I very so often
just wanna say fk it all
to life ,
and not even try anymore
Maybe if I grew up in a secular world
where religion didn't matter
I would feel less like this
but where I am from
a woman like me
is just to be a slave in a sense
to a man
and even now that I am free
I still see the slavery of the patriarchy
in the secular world
and it breaks me  so much.

So I just sit here crying
acknowledging
the deep traumas I have
and that I feel that I carry
wounds of armour
of my soul
every time Friday comes
I remember
the ****** trauma in my body
that I feel has scarred me
from my own father
and all I wanna do is die
I wish the feelings
would  just go away
but they are no stranger to me
I wish
someone
could  hold me in their arms
and say that it will all be okay.
But I have no one in my life anymore,
all I can do is save myself
but the journey feels so long so hard
and so tiresome .

I tell myself it will get easier
but it feels like a lie almost,
to keep my hope alive
but still I am trying
to see the end somehow.