i spent
so much time
falling in love with every imperfection
letting each grow like beautiful vines
you spent
so much time
picking, pulling and tugging
until everything was destroyed

the way the cold air looks on the tip of her nose, or the
way he smiles with his eyes pointed down at his toes
and that curious shade of blue that will forever go unnamed,
or the person you can’t help but stare at in the marketplace.
even that misty smell in the sky when it rains and the small bursts
of electricity that explode when you hear her name.
we like these things and we don't know why; we can’t explain.
just like how I liked you, I couldn’t wrap it around my brain.

seven times in three weeks I cried:
the first time I was teary eyed
when I warmly journaled about you
my heart was hopeful and enveloped by cry number two
the third time was while looking at my empty bookshelves
the cracks and holes began to show themselves
on to four, it ate at my core
five was fun, I was on the phone with my mom
six too, I should have left a voicemail for you
but on the seventh there were only tears of emptiness, of helplessness, of defeat
seven times in three weeks
I cried
and all because of you, my sweet.

it said,
           the true joy will settle in:
           a contentment from within
and I will take care of you
oh, you need not fret, child
           you need not convince yourself that you're satisfied
and it’s okay to be hurt
it’s okay to feel this pain
           because in order to be healed, you have to be hurting;
           in order to be made complete, there must be a deep lacking
and to be truly free, you will need me
           so let the true joy settle in, just let me set you free.

I have to ignore you
         have to ignore you
                             ignore you
                                          ignore
                          until the pain goes away
                 the pain goes away
          pain goes away
     goes away
away

maybe someday we’ll meet again
but that’s for another life
maybe your songs won’t always be in my head
but that’s for another life
maybe I’ll call you at 3am and I’ll tell you the truth
but that’s for another life
and maybe one day it’ll finally be someone new
but that’s for another life too
so what’s a girl to do
except keep writing about you
all that’s for another life and for another me too

graceful kisses on your cheek and
tiny embraces that feel deeply huge
little writings and scribbles that say I love you
a soft, silk voice singing a beautiful harmony
or tiny hands sweetly touching your hair and
a smile that's bringing you coffee
eyes as big and bright as the dreams behind them
the magnetic energy that emits from this body and
a heart of gold wrapped in both laughter and tears
and a million paintings and a million poems
and a million little things to show how big I love
because I do
I love big and that love wasn’t enough for you
but it’s enough for me and someday it will be enough for someone too

I am not
             whatever you want to make me
I am not
             how you choose to see me
I am not
             a dream or a fantasy
I am
real
and I am
simply, just
             me.

When I finally opened the door,
all that came walking through was a con artist;
making me believe all the things I wanted to believe
and leaving me with so much less than when I started-
stripping me of essence, of virtue, of spirit,
and forcing me to slam the door shut.
I locked it behind me.

it all became too much
so she stopped allowing the forces of nature (human sin) to define her
the limitations of the universe (the weight of the world)
or even the pull of gravity (the temptations of evil)
instead she chose
a law of motion all her own (to be set apart, holy)
and she decided how she was to live (she realized the life she was always meant to live)
not for others,
             not for herself,
                          but for her King.

the healing is here
I'm coming back
the clutter is gone
and I've pulled out the tack
I'm taking it all
taking it all back
it's my life
and I'm not going to lose track
under attack
but I'm taking it back
the pain is gone
and I’m coming back.

I gazed at his face
“what?” he said
              “nothing,” smiling, I went back to my coffee
we locked eyes again
               and held on for a moment longer

but he is not here (no longer).
look and see:
the body is gone
and the stone rolled away.
he is alive (forever)!
for he has returned to his home (his rightful place)
he is no longer lost,
but found (always found).

see, the voices in my head
have been replaced
they are no longer
voices of defeat
but of victory
for he lives
in me
           my soul restored

I could go on forever
for the holy dwelling in my heart
has changed me inside out
what was rotten and destroyed
has been made new
like the flowers that bloom
every spring
he waters me so I may bloom
I bloom and flourish
again and again
and again

of course you can think about the what ifs
what if                   I don’t
what if it               doesn’t
but what if I         do?
what if it’s            you?

the difference was always there
and i knew it all along
that two cannot become one, unless
two
are both
ones
and the two ones must match up and fit
like a puzzle
it must fit

but Feelings teased me
they said, “you want this”
“so you need this”
I dipped my toe in
“you won’t be satisfied” Reason retorted
“so you must wait”

i knew right and wrong
or logic and emotion
so I chose wisdom
but my heart grew empty still
empty
still
still
empty.

I came with
nothing.
               empty-handed,
                               weary-souled,
                weeping.
but he lifted my chin,
said,
“you are mine”
               and he carried me.

let go of the fear
the broken glass shattered
the tear-filled eyes
the bent hope and unread letters

to let love in

it was only a dream
to be filed away
with all the other hopes
that never came true
like the fairytales we read about
so we close our books
and go to sleep
wishing
we could live in that dream

Mighty;
his sword
strong
his power
unmatched
my protector, defender, justifier.
Loving;
his touch
gentle
his kindness
abounding
how gracious, steadfast, compassionate.
Worthy;
his beauty
awesome
his knowledge
endless
such wonder, holiness, infinity.

little did I know
little did you know
little did we know
until
we knew
a
lot.