There are no words to describe the emotions rushing through my head
But I can give you a glimpse
Of what I'm battling on the inside

Smile wide
but it doesn't reach my eyes
Eat more
eat less
either way I'm skin and bones

Silence covers my blaring screams
A cage wrapped around my mind
Enclosing nothing and everything

The future seems dark
almost untouchable

I run miles each day
chasing day dreams

Just dreams

My heart pounds
but is it really mine?

An hand comes and grasps it tightly
taking a bite

Mouth full of ash and ice
it repulses
Throwing my heart to the ground

I hate to admit it
but that's the only time I've felt alive.

I want to be left alone.
To cry,
to sleep.
To be left alone with my feelings.
I wouldn't have people asking me what's wrong,
wouldn't have to explain myself.
Some people say being alone isn't good,
Well I disagree.
Being alone,
helps you understand your feelings,
clear your mind.
It's peaceful and quiet.
That's why I prefer being alone.

I don't know
what it is that makes me so much like a wall
Something people like to lean against for balance
but
then it becomes a crazy request when the words begin to build
I'm tired
Not physically
I'm not sure mentally either...
I'm tired of laughing when all I can think about is the darkness
I'm tired of sleeping when all I dream of are my worst fears awake
I'm tired of waking up just wanting to curl over
and to just close my eyes again
I'm tired of feeling something then suddenly having it ripped away
ripped away by some invisible entity called depression
I can kiss and feel nothing at all
I can lay quietly and have a whole war of words and imagination
battling without a word or reason  
I can blink and feel an inevitable amount of grief pass by
I can breath for hours
then suddenly want to take the air from others
I feel like I'm in a cycle of tired, okay, tired, not okay, okay...
tired
Sometimes
I can yearn for such a love
And hate just that moments later
I'm confused at myself
Confused at my emotions
Confused at my heart and head
Confused at why I feel so...

*Aloof

Believe me when I speak to you.
Believe me when I say you complete me.
Believe me when I say I need you.
Believe me when I say I feel safe in your arms.
Believe me when I say things will never be the same.
Believe me when I hug you,
I don't wanna let go.
Believe me,
when you hold me,
I wish YOU'D never let me go.
Believe me when I say these words to you.
Love is all I feel for you.

It started as 21 questions.
We'd ask each other what we were afraid to speak openly

We admit we're not great at relationships
but don't understand that in that moment,
we created a surging bond between our two hearts.

Your touch was like fire,
mine ice.

Our kisses never soft
Your lips penetrated the deepest parts of my soul
Your brown eyes sparkled with desire

You took a part of me
Physically and emotionally

As I was suddenly finding myself falling
You were on a different cloud,
visiting another angel.

You saw me, rib cage open
Heart hopeful

So you took your bow and arrow,
and shot me out of the sky.

In your arms I lay bleeding.
You whisper you love me,

as your arrow take away your part of me,
draining this void you once began to fill.

Tears leave my eyes as you gently place a kiss on my forehead,
sending my body back up to the skies.

But now I continue to float endlessly.
Watching my surroundings change,
fill with clouds and spaces of air

but inside,
I feel empty, unmoving.

I thought my life was a book,
one people wanted to read and

maybe find a new way of life.
A happier way of life.

But now it seems,
my life is an acoustic song,
only filled with tragedies.

Have you ever felt yourself breaking?
Knowing it was coming
And there was nothing you could do about it.
You feel yourself sinking closer,
deeper into the darkness..
You just feel depressed.
For no apparent reason!
Why?
Why do we feel like this?
Why do you feel like we want to die.
That we are ready to give up.
There's no hope for happiness anymore.
For heavens sake we barely remember what laughing feels like!!
Let alone happiness..

Your brownish-green eyes are my favorite.
They hold me in a trance,
make my heart flutter.
I want to hate you ..
Your browinsh-green eyes are ones that players behold.
I hate that whenever I'm in a crowd,
your always the one I first look for.
Whenever your next to me,
I have to fight myself to not take a glance.
I hate the way you cause me so much agony and pain yet,
you always occupy my mind.
When I try to date someone else,
they remind me of you.
But now I remember.
You never cared.
I was only a game.
And sadly,
you won.
I'm dying slowly,
using my energy to keep you near.
You hurt be dearly darling.
Your the reason for my tears.
The reason for the scars on my body.
It pains me to even look into your brownish-green eyes.
Because I know that if I do,
I will fall once again...

Lately times haven't been great.
Silent wheels screeching, killing inside my mind.
I can't say I am who I was.
For good.
Or for worse...
I'm completely broken, bruised.
I am little.
I am scared.
I can't stop once I've started,
refuse.
You say I am different.
That I won't hurt you like the rest...
I warned you, that I always stay the same.

I want to change.
I want to feel it rushing through my veins,
growing in my bones
and threading through my thoughts.
I want to change for better this time,
rather than worse.
I want to change in a way not only I notice.
Strangers will look at me and think
"She's a new person now, look at her aura"
I want to prove to my surroundings that I can bare to be compos mentis.
Mother nature will close around me in a way I can finally understand.
Stress is no longer an obstacle but an opportunity.
Uncertainty is no longer scary, but alluring.
I can't stand to see my time go wasted.
Chances never taken.
My mind, body and soul will be one,
not three.

I wish I didn't need you.
Wish you didn't make me smile the way you do.
Maybe someday my heart would stop beating for you.
That'd probably also be my last day.
Why are you my clarity?
Your the blood and poison that runs through my veins.
Your the one who plays my heart to every beat.
Your my stimulation.
My muse.
My almost lover ...

I'd watch her at a distance
Her lean petite body not as confident
as she seemed to be.
Her smile didn't quite reach her ears
and her laugh seemed to be strained.
Her hair falling loosely in front
of her Latin skinned face.
The strands covered her striking black eyes.
So people couldn't see the pain inside.
I couldn't yet reach her.
She seemed to get farther away,
fading.
Her heartbeat slowly sinking.
She was falling.
Into a new world.
A mad one at that.
Her soft, pale hands played softly against the guitar strings, playing a
gentle melody.
Her beautiful soul.
Which was slowly dying,
would be treasured.
"Nevermore"
Who is this hidden creature,
beyond the wall?
Tis is me and nothing more.

I can't explain any of the pain I go through.
Either its too much,
or you wouldn't understand.
Probably the second one.
I'm a complicated person.
I get confused easily,
about MANY things.
Sometimes,
I can be the happiest person on earth,
and the next second,
I'm all depressed.
It's just the way I am.

Eleven months.
Three hundred and sixty two days.

I was never sure if I could be wounded any more.
But I could.
And I was.
She left me on her birth day.
A quite one it was that year.
I asked around.
You undeniably left me.
It happened before,
but like this?
I couldn't remember the last time it felt like I stuck my heart into a burning *** of oil.
I could recall it hurt.
Not like this
You asked me to wait for you.
That you'd get better after just a few months.
You said you had to get help.
You were forced.
They took you away from me.
I wanted to run to you but you told me to stay.
I was useless, like a queen exposed.
Checkmate
I was stripped of my footpath and contentment.
I was left searching.
Searching for the reasons you told me I'd have to bleed for.
The reasons why you were gone.
I picked up each broken glass,
bit by bit.
My heart and mind ached to hear your voice.
To see your face.
To hug you.
I wanted to feel closure while you gone.
But then you vanished.

Eight Hours Apart

You were only eight hours away from me.
Yet I couldn't feel your presence encircling me anymore.
You no longer held onto my dreams and whispered sweet words.
I would feel little when I could feel your tears drop to the floor.
I felt like a bean compared to your garden of pain.
Though, I sprouted through.
I worked through the hurt,
stitching it
one by one
into myself.
Repairing the once empty space with ruin, understanding and martyr.

Three Days Away**

Being apart,
had unmistakably killed the living thing you call a soul
inside me.
It ate at me until I finally released it from hunger.
It didn't shine nor buzz.
I was lost,
but I don't want to be found.
The great and Almighty were washed away from yesterdays glass.
Three days.

Darkness lurks in every corner of the corridor.
Screeching cries are echoed within the vacant halls.
Bird feathers are like bread crumbs,
leading you to appall.
The smell of chlorofor is mild.
Stinging your nostrils,
water forms behind your eyes.
This forbidden place...
Is doomed.

The only one left listening is you.
You warm my blood and sting my throat as you ease my pain
The stronger you are the more you take away...
You caress my body as it begins to sway
Heating it with your very touch

You feel familiar in the pit of my stomach
Better than butterflies
My heart races just inhaling you
My dear friend, ethanol...

Whispering willows,
slowly singing a euphony.
Cries loud enough to hear through soundproof walls
and covered vents.
Leaves that fall to their death.
Only to be then shattered beneath a plastic,
sadistic platinum foot.
Sad trees no longer visioning its "Great Perhaps"
A cup of tea sipped every second to Pluto,
who has tragically been disclaimed as a brother,
and back.
No long wondering who and why,
when and where.
Indebtedness being a rare occasion.
The colors of summer,
adapt to the mourning sun.
Fall has come.
Where reincarnation is now the cycle of life.

We would be walking in the chilly air.
Soft and frequent cheers from young monsters and fairies
The common 'trick or treat' as a door becomes ajar
We would be a pair
You'll complete mine
And I'll complete yours
An occasional scare from a ****** clown or beast
Brings me closer to your warmth
We ditch the crowded sidewalks for a cozy bed
Accompanied by hot cocoa and a fuzzy blanket
An endless amount of Halloween themed movies
Starting with The Nightmare Before Christmas
Ending with gore and guts
My eyes sheltered by your chest
We'd look back at the pictures taken
Printing them on the Polaroid
Our memories on paper
You'd pull me closer
Tell me how sweet I smell
I'd giggle and deny it
Slowly but surely our eyelids begin to weigh
We finally succumb to the unwanted
but needed, sleep
Our nightmares subdued by the feeling of being next to one another
But sadly...
I'm here
Listening to the leaves sway outside
You're there
Probably playing a game,
yelling at your TV
All I can do is express the desires for us,
**for now

Being as high as I am,
I feel pretty **** low.
Manipulated to the point of not knowing right,
from wrong.
Family secrets unraveling slowly like a snake from sleep.
Poisonous fangs shooting out like lies.
Killing.
I'm no ones baby girl anymore.
I've become the monster hidden beneath my bed.
I'm an emotion disaster killing every living organism in my path.
Fall in love too slow,
too fast.
Have 991 on speed dial because sometimes,
the other half comes out.
No sleep,
no serenity,
no hope.
Satan's music blast through my devil ears,
sinning to the point being an angel,
is the worst in the book.
It crashed hard.
I could barely breath..
I've learned to use my heart when needed.
I've forgotten how.
For being as high as I am,
why do you make me so low?

Lately. People have begun to believe I am God.
What a demented idea!
Last time I checked,
I ***,
I cry,
I laugh,
I bleed.
Just like the rest of yer!
No, they don't believe I have some mighty,
unnatural power.
They believe my hands are big enough to carry every ones complication.
I have my own problems,
but i am very ..
compassionate.
I can get hurt.
I bleed when I fall down or cry when I see a sad sob movie.
I may look strong and content on the inside.
But no one can see the repulsive, crestfallen deliberation inside in my head.

Shaking violently,
My mind whispers your name.
I will dream of you tonight,
My darling.
Yet I bet I never pass through your thoughts.
You never smile at my texts or wish I was there
You don't do you ?
I doubt it.
I doubt your dreams are filled of me.
I doubt your smiles are meant for me.
I doubt you want to hold me in your arms.
I doubt you'll ever love me like I love you .

Slowly sinking into a hopeless nightmare.
The memory of you hauting me,
killing me.
Can't you see what your doing to me?
Prying into my dreams and giving me a ..
kiss with a fist.

Late night tears are hidden.
In a solid yet soft white blank pillow.
Words whispered in gratitude and longing..
Where has time gone?
I miss the way your lips search for mine,
during endless mazes.
Your voice has entwined itself into my blood stream;
bringing me back to life.
I can't help but wonder.
Have you ever shed tears for me?
Does your heart ever urn for my touch?
Does your mind ever miss my harmonic voice,
the sleepless nights my face is plastered in front of your eyes.
These late night tears are falling silently,
against your bare,
warm chest.

Lay upon the shallow earth.
Listen to the beat of its heart
Figure out what it's worth.
As your two worlds part.

You play mind games,
steal away hearts
and feelings..
If all of the stuff people say is true..
Then why do I still love you ?

I like to think of what it would be like to be loved.
Like REAL love.
No stupid,
one day,
crazy,
love.
I want the real thing.
Or maybe just a relationship with someone,
that will write me silly love poems,
play fight with me,
call me beautiful instead of hot.
Everyone says that you need love.
But what if it doesn't want you?
What then?
I've given up on the thought of love.
The thought that someone could love me,
make me feel like I'm worth something.
I've been hurt too much.
Wayyy to much.
So how can I trust myself when I let myself go through the pain ..
It's simple.
I don't.

I wish I had you.
Wish you could see me when I feel pretty
(Which is a rare occasion)
I want you to take wacky photos with me.
I wish you'd see the way I look at you.
Hear the way my heart screams out your name.
I wish your lips would meet mine again..
I want your kisses again.
Every song reminds me of you.
A memory too great to forget and too painful to remember.
Cuddling on your silky soft bed,
whispering how much we love each other.
The 3rd Soft Kitty song done slow.
When I look in the mirror,
I wish you were behind me,
staring back.
I want to play video games and act like kids who never knew what living meant!
I want you to compliment me when you want me to hurry up.
I want someone to dress up for.
I want your love.
Your heart,
your soul.
I wish I (h)ad you.

The raven was perched upon my window ledge.
Whispering sinful melodies that were only heard by my ear.
I grin, having a silent conversation with the delicate and haunted bird.
Others thought I was crazy!
Saying there was no such thing as a conversation with rodent,
but oh were they wrong!
This maginficent bird stole away my sanity,
his malevolent eyes staring into my soul, ripping it up piece by piece.
But I did not surrender, still spoke to the ruthless bird.
He was my only 'friend', the other kids thought I was mad.
I wasn't mad you see,
just an acquisitive raven who stole away my sanity.

I've tried so hard lately.
To be what you want me to be.
I've put everyone ahead of me,
making me last on the list.
Fasting has become a habit...
An unhealthy one.
I no longer feel the corner of my lips curl up anymore.
I don't feel that rumble in my chest when I laugh.
I don't hear my heart beat within my ears.
I'm lost,
I try.
I'm scared,
I try.
They quit,
I try.
I fall,
I try.
I get back up.
What's the meaning of trying when your pushed back down?

The best thing to do instead of complaining is be silent.
Well, that's what I've been taught.
When people ask you what's wrong,
they really don't care.
They just want you to think that.
Make you tell them everything.
Then use it against you.
I keep what I want to say inside,
sometimes,
I only say the little things.
That really don't matter.
I've thought of being mute,  
to never speak again.
I wouldn't have to say what I feel,
wouldn't have to put my feelings out there.
That would make things so much easier.
For me.
For everyone.

You try to be your best.
Try to be strong when your breaking.
You keep that smile on your face,
even if it is fake.
You try to be happy for others.
Just be you.

As I lay here in bed, my mind buzzed,
I think of how ****** up my world has become.
All because of me.
I feel trapped inside my body,
no escape.
I haven't eaten for days now,
my stomach is dead just like the rest of me.
I feel unwanted,
of course I would feel that way!
I'm useless,
a **** up,
stupid.
No one would ever want to be around someone like me..
I wouldn't want to be around someone like me either.
I have no more emotion,
trapped inside my heart,
which is slowly fading away...
Could I get better?
Maybe be more social,
smile and laugh like others,
wear bright colors,
be normal.
As I lay here in bed, my mind still buzzed,
I wish to die.
Be a free spirit of no remorse,
no pain,
no worries..
I wish it was ALL gone.
No remembrance of the past tragedies that have gone by,
I just wish it would all disapear in a gust of wind.
Wish there was ..
No tomorrow.

The number 25 was marked along the front of my hand, between my thumb and index finger.
It lowered each and every day.
Its no tattoo,
nothing that I wanted to be inprinted on my very skin.
I wasn't your normal girl,
I was more than that.
People call me:
Saint,
Devil Worshipper,
but you see, I'm not any of those things.
I may have different things about me,
that no one else has.
But I am still human.
I have a heartbeat,
blood,
a mind,
and a soul just like the rest of you.
I am no alien.
You wouldn't be able to tell I was different just by looking at me.
You'd say a friendly hi,
and get taken back from the others.
She is cursed.
They would say to you.
I do not get effected by the quiet whispers that are around me,
tis is nothing new.
They say the number on my hand is the days I've worked for the devil.
The day I fell from heaven and hit rock bottom.
The day I reached up from the ground and cursed this Earth.
They have no clue what this number means.
Would you like to know ?
Every day the numbers go down..
24
Waiting...
23
Waiting...
22
Waiting...
21
Anticipation.­..
20
Ignore the whispers...
19
Live like there is nothing wrong...
18
Enjoy being out in the sun...
17
Your fine...
16
Live on...
15
The crazy buzzing noise in your head...
14
Your hearts still beating...
13
Thee unlucky number...
12
Pace the room...
11
Bite your fingernails...
10
Whisper silently to yourself...
9
The world becomes to darken...
8
Your blood begans darken...
7
The air gets colder...
6
Your legs start to shake...
5
Your thoughts become realer...
4
Nervous of what is coming...
3
Don't forget to say goodbye...
2
Watch the number mold into your hand
1
I'm dead...

I'll never be able to fit in the outside world.
It's not something I want to be part of.
I'd rather stay inside,
listen to music and write.
My broken heart hates to see the light of day.
It's dark inside..
No one to make conversation with.
No cars to drive next to.
I can't forget my way home if I'm already there...
The sun can't shine through and
burn my eyes.
There's no reason for me to get up.
No reason to get up and say 'let's go out'
If I go outside,
I will see the world that I once knew.
The world that now is a crazy house.
That's crumbling
and destroying itself piece by piece.
I can't go outside.
It will just tear me apart even more.

The clocks strikes louder than usual.
As I lay here on this cold, hard floor.
Your words replaying like a tune on repeat.
Silent scenes playing on the blank wall.
Sleepless nights full of tossing and turning,
one leg in, one out.
The feeling of seeing someone you love
love someone else,
haunting your mind that's already on edge.
Your mind that has thoughts of the hollow tree outside,
freezing from the outside in.
Branches weeping with each breeze...
Leaves letting go as they fall helplessly.
Suddenly the tree begins to tumble beneath the hail of pain.
Rays of sadness leaking through and spilling onto the pages of life.
The pages you so long kept dry.

I'd wish you'd see me at home.
When I look my best.
My shirt tight,
that pushes up my *****.
When my eyes look naughty
And mishevious.
When my curves pop out the way you like it.
When I walk around in my boy shorts,
giving my **** a cute and **** look.
I could play rough or play it gentle.
I just want to be looked at in that way.
That's all.

Purple was my favorite colour as a little girl.
It was probably every little girls SECOND colour.
I always thought pink was too girly
and too happy.
I liked purple because it was bolder,
manlier.
But ever since Justin Bieber's favorite colour is now purple...
Purple will never be my favorite colour again.

We deserve to be happy.
Deserve to smile and laugh.
To feel like we have the right to breath and be free.
Do you ever feel like your not worthy of living?
Well don't.
Your here on this very earth for a reason.
I know I sound like some stupid theraspist who just wants to make you feel 'better'
but I'm not,
I feel like this too.
Feel like I'm not good enough for my beating heart.
The rich scarlet red blood rushing through my body.
I don't deserve to be happy..
I've treated my mind and body horribly,
but I want to be happy.
Just feel more like myself when I'm not.
What makes you you?