Tonight, I'm regretting so many things
Things from the past, things already done
Old lovers whose hearts I broke
But who are now happy, smiling and prospering in their own lives
I can't help but look down and notice I'm in the familiar grounds of woe
Stuck
I know I'm a monster
A beast given too many chances to count on a clawed hand
My desires have deprived me of the knowledge I needed to learn
I'm left here burned, scarred
Not by them, but by me
Consumed by meaningless apologies
Sorries I'll never admit
I don't want to become a raging fire
No not anymore
I want to find the light they're so in love with
I want to fight myself to find my way
I need to distance myself from the dark part of me
The part of me that wants more
Then wants less
I need to erase the bad and accept the good
Forget my wrong and try to build my right
I'm dying because of this demon inside
No one can see it
But I can feel it
Distance is the only way

We left without a goodbye. Reasons, I don't care to remember at this point. I hurt your delicate soul. You were warned too late. I can't even begin an apology letter because I don't deserve your forgiveness.
If you think I am any happier than I was before I met you, you're sadly mistaken. You believe that hand is of another women, no my sweetness.
It is my creators hand. The only person I haven't destroyed because well, how could anyone destroy their own mother..
You fell for a cold-hearted monster, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of the pain I gave you, but you took it anyway and let me spoil you more. I believe you deserve what the world has to offer, but my darling, I am not a creature of this planet, I can not give what is not mine.
I would regret it so much if you were to not smile everyday. Because you have a warm heart, a good soul. You were an arctic willow in my garden of darkness.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep you living inside my hollow world of forgotten things.. You are not a stupid girl. In fact, believe me when I say you did the greatest thing by letting this shadow go.
I will forever remember the way I made you feel. Because I could brighten up someone else when I couldn't even brighten myself.
You will always be a stitch in my soul that could never be undone. I am grateful to have meet you, my sweet arctic willow.

I've been more distant tha usual
One word replies
There's an extra effort to make a conversation
And to keep it going
Our good nights are no longer anticipated
We no longer fall asleep on video
Hours at a time
Our everyday convos get shorter and shorter
My want to stay silent grows stronger

There's an extra effort from you to express your love
An extra effort from me to be an cold ***
Guilt rushes in and quickly goes when I don't say I love you back
Distance is my new best friend

You say you know
But you don't know how much I want to be honest
You don't know that the feeling of desire is slowly fading
I won't tell you
I'll just let you assume and guess
I'm getting a bit dreary of this effort
This effort to stay in love

I feel smaller than usual.
Not the average quote
"why are you so small"
Not the daily struggles to reach the top shelf..
No. I felt smaller inside myself.
I tried to grasp the feeling and give it meaning
but the more I tried to understand,
the more it slid between my fingers.
I would sit in isolation.
Burying my thoughts deeper and deeper in the abyss I call my mind.
I couldn't get out.
I'd pace, thinking of a excuse of why I act so.
My mind wouldn't repress.
Everything began to hit me at once.
Hard
It worked its way through my skin, my blood, then to my bones.
At that moment. I became small.
Avoiding thoughts of any kind was forbidden.
When you're small.
Your body wakes up small.
And falls asleep small.
You can feel it in every ounce of your body,
burning away every other feeling you were feeling then and now.
I can't say I am okay.
I can't say you'll become yourself again.
Because I'm not.
I'll always feel and always be
*small

You're stuck in a daydream that once was
Out of love, I just can't seem to listen
Until I say yes, your world just isn't livable
Raised to keep everything inside I hunker down in dread
Enough words to keep my head spinning, to keep my voices screaming

Hungry for my soul you search for the good within, only to bring up dust
Ubiquarian. You say I never leave your mind.
Regretting from the beginning I began to turn away
Terrified and .. clingy. You rush to my being
Idiothermous is what I can not be
Never has someone desired for my burning touch
Grabbing at every little affection I throw, like you

Masked in silence I watch you crumble
Ebullition will be the finale

I hate life .

I feel hate.
You feel love.
You make conversation.
I simply walk away.
No words said.
I can't stand to see the sight of love ..
While you thrive on it.
I live in the moment of death.
You live life.
Your happy.
I'm sad.
You live in the Milky Way
While I'm lost in the galaxy ..

I can't wait for you to notice me.
I can't wait to spend hours on the phone.
I can't wait for the butterflies to erupt.
I can't wait for you to laugh at my stupidness.
I can't wait for the late night walks,
hand in hand.
I can't wait for the lonely yet romantic kisses.
I can't wait for the cute, ******* photos that I'll remember.
I can't wait to make memories that will never be forgotten.
I can't wait for 'friendly' touching.
I can't wait to fall.
I can't wait for you to say 'I love you'.
I can't wait to say it back.
I can't wait to get heartbroken.
I can't wait for the tears and agony.
I can't wait for the moment your forget me.
I can't wait for the times I can't forget you.
I can't wait for you to actually remember me.
I can't wait for you to say you miss me.
But what I can't wait for most,
is when I fall back in love with you all over again.

I can barely sleep at night.
Your voice echos in my mind,
your face burned into my head.
I toss and turn because I can't get comfortable..
Unless your by my side.
Keep me safe and sing me a lullaby.
Because without you,
my body doesn't want to quit

Paint the canvas black and call it good.
Slowly kiss me goodbye.
When the sun shines, I will be gone.
No more midnight calls, endless playtime.
I will soon be dust, just like the rest of the broken hearts..

Talking to shadows that race across your ceiling.
The only company you have these days.
Take a whiff of Jack just to get that rushing feeling.
You go through your day in a phase.

Your dying slowly, but it goes unnoticed.
Your not supposed to be seen.
Heard.
Or acknowledged at the least.
Your a nobody remember?
Your just a pathetic beast.

Do you know what it's like to not be able to look at a sharp object without thinking of the pain it could give you?
To slightly press your nails into your skin when you feel anxious?
Just urning for a blade?
Maybe bleach?
Just something relieving.
I know.
I can't go one day without thinking of the razor.
I feel like my senses are high and ready when I hear scissors cutting paper.
Wonder what they'd be like cutting my skin ..
I don't want this mind you know.
It's just the way I think.
Some may call me crazy or* emo
*But I'm jut Destinee.
Looking for a way to feel something.
Wanting the reminder that I am a human being and I can still feel.
Can't I ..?

Fresh red scars lay upon the right side of my stomach.
They weren't too large.
Weren't too deep.
12 lines that  weren't perfectly horizontal.
They let me feel.
Feel the feeling of something else than nothing.

Sore.

I cring as I place my purple tank top on.
Covering the crime that I commit more than once.
During the day I don't even remember them.
Until I place a binder against them.
They scream in pain, I wince just slightly.
Then soon welcoming the pain, yet its comfortable.

Relief.

Even though its not the right way to handle things.
Can you blame me for still wanting to feel?
My life has been a struggle for my entire life.
At first, I thought there was no other way to handle the pain.
Thought I just had to deal and let myself suffer.
But then an idea clicked in my messed up mind.

Razor.

The first time it met my skin, I was nervous.
Scared to see the blood rush down my arm and drip .
It hurt at first, my teeth clenched.
But soon the numb came.
And that's when I knew.
I had made a

Friend.