Home.

I never realized I could make a home in another country, Mum, but here I am.
I feel safe when I get up and go for a coffee in pajamas or a towel after a shower. The sound of the toilet no longer scares me and the dead spider in the upper left corner of the bathroom doesn't either.

I know exactly how to use the hobs, the quirks of the oven and the whereabouts of every utensil. I know I can knock on his door for a quick meaningful conversation, I can sit and go on about nothing with him.

Jokes are reserved for him and dutch food and general girlie conversation for her. I doubt they will miss me much, but you know what, I will. I will miss them. I will miss this, all of this.

When I come home here and there is talk in the kitchen I know I can easily join them and laugh and joke. Even if their friends are there, they won't mind if I walk in and make food in the same room. Because we all care, we all don't mind. And I know that. When I feel sad I know I could knock on his door. When I can't stop crying I know she would walk in and listen.
Well,
Just so you know, Mum.

                                                  I've found my home.

You ruined me.

You destructed me.

Undid me.

And I bet you smiled as you slowly inhaled the ****** scent of the scratches on  my heart. I bet you spun around in joy at the scathing remarks you sent my way. I bet you did. I don't even wonder if you planned it all, I know you did. You consciously made the choice to ruin me time and time again.

Now I'm in this mess because of you. I fell in love with hard to get; hard to understand as well. I don't care if you care, I care that I hurt. I care, at least I care, about me.

Only you could have planted a seed so deep in me and then never tell me about it. Only you could've put banter so deep in my heart that I would barely understand that banter is wrong. Banter is hurt.
But due to you, it feels like love.
To be honest, I cannot count how many times that seed has ripped open my heart with its growing roots, or pierced it with the numerous small thorns on the stem. It must have been countless times, because banter is hate and hate is the love of hate and all dark sides to the moon, not the white love of the unknown. But I never understood that. And it was you.
You who did this to me.
I could tell you tales that would harrow your soul, but I guess I will leave it at this:

                        You ripped my heart out
                        Your blackened tongue burnt my soul
                        You destroyed any hope of loving I had
                        You chased all my feelings and cut me off
                        You dragged all my hopes into the dark
                                        and I hope
                          I hope you are happy

I hope you are happy, knowing that that seed inside me has bloomed, and that it probably will remain like that forever.
I hope you are happy, after having squeezed all the love out my soul and the words out my heart.
I hope you are.

You**

There are eyes that are more captivating, but your eyes have got those specks and freckles in it that come with being you. There are lips prettier than yours, but they don’t have the same attractive person behind it, the same rough voice or the cute dimples.

There are girls who would hear a louder heartbeat whenever someone looks at them. But when you look at me, there are drums in my heart when your eyes meet mine. And trust me, I don’t hear drums a lot. There are words that could probably describe better how you play with my heartstrings. Words that describe how you are the thunderstorm I get stuck in and hit by lightning just because you touch me in the tiniest way. A lignting bolt that travels through me with the light of speed and causes my heart to
jump up, drop dead and jump again

You are the falling snow I hate to walk through but love to play in.

There are words that describe you much better than mine, though, because I don’t do you any justice.

To me you are bubbles, laughter, my friends all in one room, someone blowing smoke rings and swallows in the sky. You are like my cup of coffee in the morning: the first thing I want to see. You are the voice that softly wakes me up instead of the shrill alarm clock. You are that feeling I get when I doze and realize I'm are halfway into sleep. You are the soothing warmth coming over me when I’m panicked and they tell me it’s going to be okay.

You are my dance and my groove, you are the bass that makes my ribcage move to your beat. You are the sunlight on a day it’s been pouring. You are the yellow car between all the black ones. You are the black and whites I see and all the different colors you paint my views. You are like that one red skittle that I want when there’s none leftover.

But I don’t mind.

I don’t mind at all.

Love.

Love is what makes me think about you opening up, hugs, calls, reactions.
It reminds me of songs, of looks, of actions.
It creates the memories of you walking in to talk, laugh, smile and other distractions.
But it also makes me remember the shenanigans and how hateful you can be.
How fast you could leave the room after I finished my tea.
Love recalls the touch of your hands and how you danced in the kitchen with me.
And how fast we got closer and how we insulted each other playfully.
But it also remembers how you can sit and make me feel like I have no chance.
It remembers the metre between us on the bed and during the dance.

For Love Is Cruel.

It does not care or mind if it is mutual and it has no preference for a type of person in this huge crowd.
It minds not whose heart will be ****** into the fire, nor how long it took to heal before, if  it is suddenly allowed.
There is even carelessness in treating the reopened wounds after ripping bandages off the heart.
Not a single **** in the world could be given if the heart is barely able to beat on its own or will fall apart.

Because Love Hurts.
And the mind knows.

Don’t talk to me
Right now
don’t say
I can’t laugh
don’t say
I hate people

I can’t stand you
’cause, you know,
It’s all right
It’s gonna be all right
I know
it’s gonna be all right

Don’t say those things
right now
maybe you’ll understand
it’ll be all right
you’re gonna be
all right
from now on.

Still water does not flow
Words can be said once
A human life cannot restart


Just like my love for you.


All things change, they say
Everything comes and goes
So why don’t you?


Even after a thousand broken clocks,
hundreds of raindrops on my roof,
at least ten Cupid’s arrows,

*I just cannot forget you.

Boundaries and barriers
Who says they weren’t met?
I know my borders and lines
But
Do you know yours yet?


In the happiness of your dreams
The smile that is your face
A grown  adult knows what we are
But I am a mere woman and
You make my heart race
But not really that much
                            as much
As you could.


There are roses and stars
Dreams to shake out of my hair
Hopes to drag into the dark
Knowledge so fair even I care
But you
               You seem to barge
                                                *Right past them