you can carve a knife into your stomach but even you cannot protect yourself from ending up alone and afraid.
your days are numbered, and no matter how much you matter you can never seem to matter enough anymore.
everyone is pulling the strings inside you, and your story is changing at a pace that you can't keep up with.
you are running,
always running,
and everyone else is running too.
they are trying to reach you but they cannot.
you are stuck somewhere inside a body that has been beaten and bruised but is somehow still moving and making mistakes and hurting people you would never hurt.
this isn't you.
you haven't slept in months but you can't wake up.
every time you think you do there is another darkness that holds another nightmare that is holding you.
w
   a
     k
       e

          u
            p

my tears spread my makeup down my cheeks and leave messages for me in a language i wish i didn't speak.
they tell me that i am not good enough, never good enough.
i have gone a long time without crying for him but all it takes is one photograph and i am a victim of loneliness again, and again, and again.
i learned how to cry silently to myself when he moved to town, because that was right about the time i started losing all my friends,
and now everyone that i talked to is gone and i have a new group to eat lunch with but it is different and i am different.
there are 7,216,737,659 people in the world at this moment and he is with two and i am with zero but i cannot stop thinking about one.
out of all the cities, why did he come to ours?  there are only a hundred kids in every grade and so he was guaranteed to make a splash but i didn't know he was cannon balling into my blood, i thought it was just a pool.
but that's what sharks do, they smell blood, and when he came i was so desperate to be loved that i would have bled myself dry for his attention.
it took me four months to start betraying my friends for him, five to start telling him their secrets and now after fourteen he won't make eye contact with me because i got so attached to the idea of having somebody that i got too close and i got blood on his favorite shoes.
so maybe he's not a vampire, but he really *****.
the only thing you can count on him for is his inability to show up for things that matter to you.  he will let you down time and time again like he is a ski lift that only goes one way and like the mechanic has been too busy to get around to fixing him,
and i will keep riding that lift because the hill is steep and i am probably not a good skier anyways.
when he lets me down on nights like these, i often wish i could just wipe my own memory.
i have seen stories of girls who swim in shark infested water, and they always lose something important, like an arm, or a leg.
i just hope i don't lose him.

i'm not sure if i'm still jealous, or if i'm just overwhelmed with missing you every time you nod at me in passing.
2. my head is aching and i am shivering and i am thinking about when you used to let me wear your sweatshirt and scarf on cold days.  this winter has been colder than any of the winters i have known you for, and so have you.
3. you used to be mine in a way that was so hard to explain.  i wanted you to love me and i wanted to be your best friend.
4. i wanted you to tell people about me and i wanted you to tell me everything about you.
5. it is proven that second place hurts the most, and god how i am hurting watching her take first and watching her laugh at your jokes.
6. i remember every moment we spent together, so much that i think i scared you away with it all.
7. you are gone and i am stuck with all this stuff that i know, like your favorite musical and your brothers' stories and how you got your scar and how you feel about your mother.
8. your birthday will come again this summer and i will draft out a hundred texts, but i will not send them.
9. you're turning sixteen, and i am afraid the first place you'll drive will be to her.
10. i can't believe i'm losing you both to each other.
11. i had you first, and i am not good with jealousy at all.  i'm not good with loneliness either.
12. next time you see me, pretend not to notice how desperate i am for your love, and pretend you do not see the tears in my eyes when you walk away.
13. it really is the least you could do.

i can't remember the last time i wasn't thinking about you.
you are seeping into my dreams and my bones and my blood,
and i am so angry.

i know that it is late and that you are asleep and that you are dreaming of someone else,
but valentine's day is in four days and it isn't too late for you to kiss me.
please.

i hate being clingy and desperate and i know you aren't into that,
but you don't really seem to mind when she does it.
so why do i keep getting pushed to the back?

when did i start letting you get away with everything you want?
you could burn your name into my skin and i would say okay.
i don't know what else to say to you.

i am afraid i will say "i love you"
and then i would lose you forever,
and i don't want to lose someone i never had.

i can't stop thinking about y o u because i love
1. nothing
2. everything
3. when you look at me
4. i can't breathe
5. but i take shredded gasps because
6. your air is so sweet when
7. i can sometimes get just a little in the lungs that you
8. collapse when you walk into a room with your
9. smile that spreads up to your
10. eyes which are dark brown but sometimes look yellow which you
11. still think is as magical as the
12. stories you are still willing to talk about and you
13. laugh at all my jokes even when you are
14. just pretending to think i am funny
15. your voice, which is amazing even when you are
16. making up excuses that sound like good enough reasons to my tired ears
17. you will always come crawling back to me even if you are
18. only begging me for help with school
19. i can pretend you need me to survive like
20. i have grown to need you
21. you always act grateful for the answers to my homework even if you are not grateful for me and
22. on days when it isn't too much trouble to come to school you are willing to give me the answers you have, only
23. i am too scared to ask you for the only answer i care about and i know you will
24. tell me we should not ruin this
25. friendship
1. nothing
2. everything