i am so done with existing but i care so much and i hate when things aren't perfect
there are only like four people in the world that i like unconditionally
and even they can make me cry
this morning my dad yelled at me for seeming sad because i've been "so much better this year"
but he must be blind because i can't focus or find motivation and i feel like i'm slipping
past rock bottom and into the core of the earth where the heat and pressure are condensing me into molten liquid,
and then back into useless rock

5% thinking about dumb things i've said
5% wondering if anybody even likes me
5% obsessively checking my grades
5% worrying about money
10% realizing that i don't have any friends
10% stressing about work i have no motivation to do
30% thinking about him
30% planning a future i want but can't have

"because the media lives for-"
"******?"
"i was going to say controversy."

when a woman loves her body,
congratulate her.
when a woman is proud of her talent,
congratulate her.
when a woman embraces who she is,
congratulate her.

when someone tells a woman she is wrong,
scold them.
when someone rips off their clothes,
scold them.
whens someone throws clothes on their body,
scold them.

when a woman goes to the grocery store,
when she wears the same clothes twice,
gains weight,
loses weight,
when a woman has a child,
turn your head,
leave her alone.

on nights when nostalgia clings to me like the tears cling to my eyelashes,
any song will do,
any thought of you will do.

on nights when the memories choke me and put me under their spell,
any poem will do,
any thought of you will do.

on nights when my past catches up and i drown in bad choices,
any picture will do,
any thought of you will do.

on nights when you are so close i can touch you,
and so far you hardly know my name,
any thought of you will do.

a good way to cry is to read your old yearbooks alone at night
to see that in fifth grade your whole class signed their names
sixth grade was a competition to see who had the most inside jokes
in seventh grade your friends wrote you long notes and your crush took up a whole page
"you make coming to school every day actually enjoyable" and he signed it with love
in eighth grade most of the pages are blank
you got a hot boy to sign (twice) but your crush didn't have time until the promotion ceremony
he wrote that you forgot about him
he signed it with a dash and he added his last name
the only person who took up space in your eighth grade yearbook was your spanish teacher
who you promised to visit but never did
a boy you have known forever was moving away
you will never see him again but he had nothing to say about you
your oldest best friend told you she was saving her usual "novel" for senior year
but you don't plan on being friends by then
a good way to cry is to flip through the pages and count the people who you used to call your friends

i keep trying to write poetry about you
but all that comes out is how lonely i am
i guess it's the same thing

everyone told me that people would change
we'd grow up and grow apart and grow away
but i didn't believe them because i know my friends
(i knew my friends)
we were so close and we were so inseparable
on the days when things ****** they were always there
and i grew up and now everything *****
and they grew up and now nobody's there

if i expected change i definitely did not expect this

i was warned that growing up does things to people
now i'm starring in a horror film watching my life dissolve
in the hallowed halls where everyone else is thriving

being invisible is an amazing superpower
except when it's an accident