i think maybe we've forgotten how to smile
because we are creatures of habit and we learn by example
and in a time when everyone is sad and depression screams out like sirens in the night
it is easier to mimic the tears

i'm caught between wishing for two things
you
or the strength to wish for something else

i am turning fifteen in a month and i have never done anything worth writing a poem about
i am awake night after night crying about the same words
about 'alone' and 'him' and 'high school' and 'the future'
but none of those things can keep a story going, none of them can form thoughts that make people feel things
there are so many words, and so many combinations of them that make me want to fall in love
real love, not this ******* lust that i feel for ideas of people that i make up in my head
i want to leave a legacy but i don't even know how to live a life that anyone would ever care about
i want to make art but i don't know what to do because i care so much about what people think
so i settle for staying up late and sleeping in late and staying home every weekend
i want to eat chinese food in front of the tv and climb to the roof and kiss a boy
i want to bury my toes in the sand and blast the music in a car and spend the night in someone's arms
but i don't know how and i'm scared and i'm not pretty or skinny or outgoing enough
it comes down to not being good enough or talented enough or strong enough
i've spent almost fifteen years not being good enough but everyone has told me to be myself
so i guess i'll spend another fifteen the same way

If I can't even write poetry anymore,
what's the point of feeling this sad?

I joke a lot, but lately it seems like crying
is the only thing I'm good at.

tonight, alone in my bed, the music cannot be loud enough
nowhere can be far enough away
i am overwhelmed with wanderlust and the desire to kiss someone
i want to live a movie
i want to fall in love-
with someone, not at them.
i want to drive down the streets blasting music because i know that the lyrics will change people the way they change me when i apply them to you
and there is a feeling that i get sometimes on nights like these
i want to jump off rooftops, not to die but to live
to fly away and away and sweep you off your stupid, amazing feet
i want to write songs about you and paint your picture on every wall in this ******* town
and for every wish i make i turn up the music a little more, and close my eyes for a little longer

it's scary that someone you've known forever can suddenly like someone else more than you
and that you don't think twice about doing the same
how your six year best friend is now a chore
and how your three week acquaintance hugs you in the hall
how the people who loved you when you were a kid treat you like ****
and you don't know if you can tell your best friend what she is to you

it's scary that you used to have too many friends to count
and now you have no one to hang out with friday night
how just two years ago the tables were turned
and now your friends like each other and not you
the people that used to be your world avoid your eyes in the hall
and sometimes the people who are now do to

i'm not ok, and it's been a long time since i was
but the breaths still come, in and out and in and out
and there are some days when i do not cry.
i can still get A's on tests and bake cookies and cheer up my friends
the rain still falls and the leaves still fall and the night still falls
but the sun rises, even if it's not up when i wake and if it hurts my eyes,
it's always there
and i'm lonely, and it's been a long time since i wasn't
but i can still see tomorrow even if i don't like it
and even when it seems like nobody would talk to me if i was the last person alive,
i remember that i'm not
that i live in a world full of people and dogs and exotic cheeses and new words,
that there are countless places to go and books to read and dollars to earn,
that in a thousand years nobody will remember the time i embarrassed myself in the hall
so i may as well say hi
and so i breath, in and out and in and out,
and some days i do not cry