My face is numb
I can't use my hands I might as well not have them

I had to get high after what had transgressed so this might not make sense

This is redundant and my tears do nothing but make a mess
And drive you away
But the thought of you in that suit
That cost you less than nothing
And your hands on those glorious hips
Glory glory
And your mouth in those holy lips
Made me believe in sin

There is a devil and I think I gave him to you
In a sort of contagion

We should have used condoms

I guess this is the point where being careful is no longer an objective

When you've hurt your mother so much that you don't care if it's 4 am and the phone is dead

Where your arms are sore and your throat burns, but you can't let that feeling slip away

Where you're either indifferent to your surroundings
Or you're screaming at night for something
For death
For love
For grief
For the fear of death when you're heart just won't slow down
I guess I shouldn't have drank so much

You look like gin to me
And you look like him to me
But god you're always there and when we're away it's like I'm underwater and god darling it's so cold

Where are your hands
Where is the smell of your hair and the taste of your mouth
Where are your drugs

I want to die
I want to *******
I want to get high
I want to die
I want to die
I want to die
I want to die

It took so much not to crash the car tonight
But that music was so loud
And I was so ******* empty
And I just kept going faster and faster
I look down, it's 70, 75, when it's supposed to be 35
But god I just couldn't ******* see
And I couldn't breathe
And you weren't there
And you weren't ever going to be there
And god I should have crashed the car

Everyday is endless highs and horrifying lows
In brief sober moments we catch our breath

And maybe if mother is near
You will say something familiar
So that she is content in telling herself
"She won't die today"
But little does she know that you want to scream at her horrible truths
That you want to cough up your fears in her room where she asks you to sit for a minute
That you want to cut yourself open and bleed on her

And you can't tell your lovers about the urge to open the car door at 90mph
You can't tell them when they get you high they are breathing life into just enough to keep you here
You can't tell them when they kiss you, you wish they would never let you come up for air

And oh god I feel like I'm falling constantly
The shaking won't stop
And oh god how long can you keep me here when I'm already dead
How do you get distracted from the fact that there are flies buzzing around your rotting flesh and you are no longer welcome

God the freckles on your skin

Heaven help me

Is this salvation

Feeling "depressed"
That words all that's left

My god what have I done
I've turned everything into this mess it shouldn't  have played out like this

I should stop reading your stupid song that you probably wrote about someone else

I should stop listening to that dumb playlist that means nothing

I should stop thinking about you constantly over and over I should stop reading that goodbye letter and I should stop writing this

But Jesus Christ I miss you
And Jesus Christ the thought that you hate me or think I'm over dramatic
Is killing me
"So much angst"
SORRY I WAS ON DRUGS
SORRY IM ON DRUGS NOW
SORRY THAT YOU ARE THE NIGHT AND DAY AND YOU MADE ME FORGET THAT EVERYTHING WAS WRONG AND THAT NOTHING HAS PURPOSE
AND SORRY THAT NOW THAT YOURE GONE I FEEL LIKE IM ROTTING AND THAT NOTHING WILL BE RIGHT AGAIN

YOURE RIGHT THERE WAS SO MUCH ANGST IN WHAT I SENT YOU

I LOVED YOU
I LOVE YOU
*******