whatever happens,
-i will remember the time we hiked off the path and laid beneath the trees just before a storm
you took my glasses off and the leaves blended together
(we weren't sure we'd find our way back)
-i will remember the time you casually tried to find a sturdy log to kiss me on
pretending the plan wasn't to get me rustled in the dirt anyway.
on the walk to the car, you tripped me into your arms
i giggled, you smiled
and you looked so great with the sun shining through your hair
-i will remember holding back "i love you"s in your bed sheets

sometimes when you're delirious, shirt off, still looking at the ceiling instead of at a screen,
you suggest things we could do
and sometimes i mistake the suggestions for things you think we should do,
so now i try not to take coulds too seriously
because ideas are not plans.

do you ever panic about how average you are
how predictable it all is
how plain
he's probably bored already,
bored that you're even insecure about this,
cliche & boo-*******-hoo, he could be bouncing around with bigger ***** but instead he lets your pathetic lumps slightly jiggle as you ride him and occasionally make eye contact
and you call it love,
(you know it is)
but how could he love someone so boring.
maybe if you took matches to your tongue, there'd be more spice in bed if he kissed ashes
but it's been done
maybe if you shoved a gun down your throat,
he could watch you gag on it, let him imagine it as his own ****,
you'll pull the trigger just in time to give him blue *****,
you swear you've seen this already in a movie or something
maybe if you show up with hands shaking,
you say you want to run constantly, you want your whole life to be running away, but you have nothing to run from and no where to go and all you've been dreaming of is running next to him -
it's romantic, they say
it's suicide
it's a ******* trigger warning
and it's all so painfully average and unoriginal
i could cringe

sorry i'm not pretty enough to be delicate
(sometimes my hands shake but i still don't look fragile)
i'd rather look like nails and a hammer anyway

every time my eyes close, i am in a dream
sometimes i feel needles
sometimes your eyelashes brushing against my cheek

losing sleep and brain cells,
i don't know what it is...
but i am so happy to have the privilege of getting to revolve my daydreams around you

i keep meaning to take more pictures.
and to quit turning my head away whenever my mood shifts (sorry)
i'm going to be better with words, i promise
but some moments, especially on boring days, i get to spend hours just playing with your hair and looking in your eyes and i know i don't need to say anything,
you already know what i'd say.
this is a good place to be, i think. holding your hand.

if i had to list my three favorite movies,
today i might say: Across the Universe, Donnie Darko, and The ****** Suicides
(basic *****)
mainly for the aesthetics
the way the camera or lighting makes the scene
and i have colors stuck in my head from my own life images,
mostly pale blues
all in your room
(the comforter, the hue of the tv screen, your eyes)
it's all about angles, and i get the perfect view while perched on your chest
wish all the colors and lighting from the scenes in my head reflected more in my actions, you'd never get bored of me then.

i'd rather look at him
than look really anywhere

and when i look anywhere else
it's cool to be holding his hand

sometimes the light hits my world so perfectly, and i always have picture perfect moments of sun beams on his smile
he'll remember me squinting (trying to see past the glare)

insecure
unsure whether you like me fitting into your side when we walk next to each other
or if you're just comfortable, so why bother changing it

either way, i'm enjoying my time a lot, leaning into your shoulder

she's asking everyone in my house for their horoscope,
my brother's reading into it,
"it's so accurate," he said
and for some reason I feel so detached
from everything
from my own cells, even-
dragging my fingers across surfaces pretending like it was meant to be
but by the end of the year,
my fingerprints will be wiped clean
and
every time i leave a place,
i feel like they didn't want me there, anyway
including your door frame
you never wanted me there, anyway