i'm so ******* sick
of always being the one
to ask the questions.
why won't anyone
just ******* ask me
what makes me happy?
why won't anyone
just ******* ask me
how i'm actually doing?
why won't anyone
just ******* ask me
how much it hurts
to hear nothing but
doubt when you
ask yourself if
you matter enough
to keep going.

ground zero
i become aware of boundaries
i am a dog chasing cars
i sing your voicemail to sleep
there are no surgeon general warnings
to tell me that
the objects in the mirror
are more depressed than they appear
so how do i tell you
that there are parts of my life
that move slower
without you in them?
or that i look for you every day
in emails & unanswered calls
in the sunrises
i didn't choose to be awake to watch
that i sometimes still stare at doorways hoping you would walk through them
   *stage 1 you tell your new lover you've got a splinter and they pull the sound of your body falling asleep on mine out of your fingertip
   stage 2 your new lover says something at dinner that makes you choke so they call 911 & the paramedics do the hymleich not knowing you would ***** our promises all over the the restaurant
   stage 3 your new lover surprises you by cleaning the house & washes the shirt you kept next to the bed, not knowing it was the last thing you had that smelled like me
after
people always ask
what was loving her like?
after a really long silence
i just say
"it must be nice"
but i never say
it's watching paint dry
i never say
it's a window seat in hell
i don't tell anyone
about the dreams
where i am reading you
bedtime stories
each one is a different way you die
& every time i can never save you
dreams where what i think
are angels in my bedroom
are just homeless versions
of myself you never loved
i have dreams
where i pay someone to shoot me
just to see if you would cry
just to see
if you would cradle my body
i don't tell people
that loving you is like
playing piano
for someone who can't hear
that it's hitting repeat
on my favorite song
& forgetting the words
every time it starts over
that it's finding out
there's no milk after you already
poured yourself a bowl of cereal
it's getting locked in the dark
& being told to
look on the bright side
that loving you is like
being reminded of what it felt like
the first time
you accidentally let go
of a balloon as a child
it's drowning without the water
it's the feeling you get
when you start to dance
& the song ends

so you're disappointed
that you're disappointed
and maybe that's to be expected
some folks make beds
out of their catharsis
differently than others
it's this list
of things you lost in the fire
or how jealous you are
of people
who never came back up for air
you're crying
so the faucets leak out of solidarity
& someone asks you
why the floor is wet
so you tell them
"we've been weeping here forever"
then they want to give you
a mouth full of presupposition
by saying
"are you going down with the ship?"
& you look them in the mouth
like Leo is handcuffed to a pipe
five decks down
you look at them
like you just woke up
from that dream everyone has
where all their teeth fall out
maybe it's an intervention
a hearse vs station wagon origin story
a clearance sale
& everything's gotta go
or maybe it's the dream
where you're at the docks
from your childhood
and there's a little girl
unmooring all the ships
because she thinks
they'll float away
but every time
she unties them
they just sink




                                          they just sink

when the sun sets
and everything turns
to silhouettes,
i know that darkness
falls close behind.

i'll never
fit in,
and i'll never
stand out.
all i'll ever do
is exist,
and i just
don't know
if that's enough
anymore.

this winter is a
rough one,
ice cold isolation
echoes inside
my body through
mazes of bones,
like loneliness
flooding through
city streets.
i can hear these
icicles begin
to shiver,
begging for me to
bring them inside,
but i think that
i'd rather just
stay out here.
this cold is
all that i have
ever known,
and the only way
that i know how
to live.

it hurts so much
to see someone
you love fall
out of your life,
but it hurts even
more to know
that you're
the one who
pushed them.

i'm losing it again.
everything that
i worked for,
everything that
i tried so hard
to keep close,
i can feel
it all slipping
from my fingers
and i just can't
seem to get a grip.
everything is
moving too quickly
and i'm losing control,
because reality has
started to distort
and thoughts
are beginning
to take over.