It ended with me saying
“That was nice”
Into the night
As I laid there
The feeling of your lips
Still resting on mine
I hadn’t expected to do it
But now I’m excited
I wasn’t as gone as I acted
That was me
Yes I wasn’t all there
But more there than I said
I walked over in the dark
Hoping it was the alcohol
Praying it was the drugs
In reality
It was your face
Through the light of my lighter
Smiling at me
Laughing with me
All of it lead to it
To me leaning over
My fingers on your chin
Bringing you to me
Kissing you
You grabbing my hand in the dark
The feelings of it all lingering
‘Til you fell asleep
And it all ended where this began

I can’t sleep
It eludes me
Taunts me from afar
Every time I close my eyes
I see him
Standing there
Looking at me
Touching me
Tormenting me
Playing it off
Acting like nothing happened
But it did
It did

Cold metal cuts translucent skin
Skin so fragile

Too much has been done to it

Cuts run deep
Bruises grow darker
  
Eyes so deep set
Shadows cloak them
They stare into nothing and everything
Seen too much
But never another’s love

Smoker’s fingers twitch
Every minute
Of every day
The need so great
To fill those lunges with poison
The burning sensation
That reminds her she is alive
Salt rimmed lips her only hope

Words always meant a lot
Now are only white noise

Freak
*****
****
Loner

They are only names

Disgusting
Unworthy
Unholy
Wrong

Only letters strung together


They are how she got here though
Names and letters thrown at her
Led to her bringing that blade to her skin
Led to her bumming her first one
Led to her buying her own pack

First she avoided the lunch room:
No lunch

Then she left before they awoke:
No breakfast

She came home so late:
No dinner

Thinner and thinner
She was wasting away

Few even noticed
Even less cared
One told her to eat
Would bring her food
She would force it down
Leave
And throw it back up
Almost every time

Her clothes hung on her frame
She was a broken frame
No one saw the haunted picture it held

Names and letters continued
Her life withered
She held on barely
Poison her only friend
Her guardian angel a blade
The new dream was six feet under

No one noticed

No one cared



So she stole some pills
Tried them
They made her feel a bit better
She kept taking them
Then they didn’t work so well
Upped the dose
That stopped as well

Eyes finally turned to her

The questions started

What’s wrong with you?
Why don’t you just **** yourself?

Answers followed

Everything
I will

The planning started
At first it was just something to take up time

Then it came alive
It started to entrance her
It spoke to her in her sleep
During the day
When she was kneeling on the bathroom tiles
When blood dripped from her
When smoke escaped her

She finally decided

Taking pen to paper
Words finally came to her
She spoke of those who hurt her
Of her own pain
Of everything
Everything she hadn’t said in years

She signed it with goodbye

She held her last cigarette
Took the most pills she’s ever had
Stood up on the chair
Put on her favorite new piece of jewelry
And she…

Kissed her life away with a smile
“Goodbye”

How has this become my life?
I mean when did an actor start meaning something to me
All my life they’ve been there
But never in an important way
Just there
Now all my thoughts go to him
I talk to him constantly
Never wanting the conversation to stop
Miraculously it doesn’t
Somehow we keep it going
It still astounds me that he wants to talk to me
But he keeps it up
I smile to myself constantly
This shouldn’t be happening
But I can’t remember why
Now all I do is wait for my phone to buzz
And for night to come
For his arms to surround me
And his smile to fill my vision
I don’t know how to act
With a actor

All my demons play tag in my mind
Chasing each other and fighting for dominance
They pick up each of my thoughts
Tossing them aside every which way
My lungs constrict
Pushing every inch of air away
Locking my throat
Keeping my words stuck
The only spark of hope for the calm
Thirty seconds of one’s time
Burying my tear filled eyes in her hair
Wrapping myself in her strong embrace
Letting myself sacrum to my demons
Feel their hot breath down my neck
Alongside the heat from her body
Their nails claw at me
Leaving trails of sticky hot blood
All the while her hands keep me together
Through this I hope
To gain strength that has left me
In thirty seconds

Is that what you want?
Do you want me with nothing between us?
Why is that okay but me be being honest isn’t?
How do you deserve me like that?
Worthless
*****
Trash
You’re right I am all of those things
I cry when I leave
I cry before I come
Are my tears precious to you?

I leave your side once
That’s when I meet her

Flowing hair
Brilliant smile
Concerned eyes
All of the things I never see in you

You tell me that
You don't want this
But you act like
It's nothing to you
You say it pains you
Though look how
You leave my side
Fall into new habits
While I still fall for you
Now you aren't there
To catch me
I begin to free fall
But what scares me more
Are two simple words
Just friends
To be honest
I'm terrible at it
All of it
Cutting ties
But not all
Seeing you every day
Without calling you mine
It leaves me here
Sitting where we sat
Falling back into old habits
Feeling my heart still trapped
In your arms
It hurts to say but
For your own good
I should depart,
Fully.
But I'm afraid to say
That I can't
In a few days time
You will see
That I am unable to leave
And after that
I'll wreck everything
But long after
You have gone
My heart will still
Be yours.

So now friend
I say goodbye
Though I will not leave.