i feel constantly betrayed
constantly abandoned
constantly FORGOTTEN
LEFT
USED
by everyone.
everyone
besides me
gets to leave
gets to get away from this ******* town
these ******* people
our ******* problems
but no
little red
has to stay.
someone has to take care of dad
and it's always going to be her
because she is always there.
dear
sisters
i delight in the day
when i am not there
when the knife is not just dug into me
but into you
then YOU
will have to stay.
i hope you enjoy
feeling every little thing
that i had to feel
for two ******* years.
i hope they
carve wrinkles into your face
scars into your arms
and legs
i hope you write thousands of tortured poems
i hope you never get any better
and most of all,
i hope there is someone
who gets to do EVERYTHING you EVER wanted to do
and then never even
visits you
or thanks you
for taking care of dad
and for keeping their mind
crystal
*******
clear
of guilt.
sisters,
i will glory
in your suffering
when i leave
for good
which i pray
will be
soon
because i want you
to hurt

Are you okay?*
he asked, worried about poor, poor Rach.
I smiled, nodded, and tried to get back to work.
But, no, I wasn't okay.
I was having yet another attack,
the kind that
makes your breathing heavy and
your palms sweating.
the kind that
makes you so afraid to move
because of the thoughts you think that
should be imaginable,
eh?

Well,
take a wild ride into my mind
and you'll understand that it happens
to me almost everyday.

I just made myself throw up.
Not because I have an eating disorder,
but because of that thought looming in my brain.
And ****, it's not even the one of killing myself.
It's just of you not being with me in the end.

this morning, at 3:17

I was laying on your chest

awake

listening to your heartbeat

and I realized that

it is no longer my favorite song

goodbye

I was thinking about us
about our twisted mess
of love and lust

of ****** unfinished poetry
about stars and misery
and damsels in need of a
knight in shining armor

of how you're so gentle
when I crave the opposite
all I ask for is aggression
and you can't even give me that?

I sat down today, meaning to combine
the words "love" and "lust"
(because, dear,
that's all we are)
and all I could come up with
was "lost".

Looking up at a fresh blue sky with patches of angry grey here and there
I looked back down again as he said
"Besides, look at all the flowers your father has given me."