What I have can’t be fixed by a doctor
How do you tell someone
“I don’t know where it hurts”
Or more accurately
“It hurts everywhere; where should I being?”
Because how do you tell someone that the pain of inadequacy
Mirrors a blow to the head in its intensity
But far surpasses it when it comes to longevity
And as far as timing is concerned
Every watch I’ve ever had has broken
So how do you tell someone that the lies are never easy
But the ones you tell to yourself crash over you like waves
And drag a small portion of you away each time they recede
It’s like a game of Them vs. Me
And what makes the defeats unbearable
Is the fact that they don’t even know they’re playing
I’ve been keeping score
And keeping score
And keeping score
The walls are filled with white lines
One
Two
Three
Four
Slash
Maybe if I point to my chest and say, “Here”
Someone will understand
It’s a pain that feels like everything I’ve ever wished for
Has solidified and turned to stone
Making a home somewhere in my ribcage
And it’s expanding
I write bravery on my skin because I have none
I make deals with  a god I know doesn’t exist
Just so when I’m unable to hold up my end of the bargain
I have someone to blame for falling through on his
And I still can’t figure out if it’s funny or sad
That the only man I want to kiss me never will
And the last one who did traded in his lips for his hand
So he can high-five me like we’re friends on the same team
Never making mention that we kissed on the floor of his room
Until we were breathless
While breakup songs played in the background
Taking up just as much space as we did
Became witness to our nervous hands fumbling over each other’s bodies
Turning our kiss into a *******
I have heard that silence speaks just as loudly as words
But silence builds up in my mouth like a traffic jam
And my jaw is begging to break from the weight
So maybe now’s the time to scream
Time to shout
Because I've been keeping all my thoughts filed away
Under the title, “When The Time Is Right”
But there’s no time like tonight

Don’t you dare
Put your tongue
In my mouth
If you can’t make
Your eyes
Meet mine

We shared secrets in the dark
I spoke in clichés
Because I did not know
How to put into words
What I was actually feeling
And I was feeling scared
I was scared of the things
You do to yourself
I’m still scared
But I love you
That should be enough

He kissed me
I don’t remember the song playing
But I remember his lips
And his tongue
And his hands
And his breath
And his neck

This body’s falling apart.
My bones are separating at the joints, pressing into my flesh, coming through.  
My ribcage is cracking open sending splintering shards through my veins,
revealing a heart beating out of time.  
Speeding up,
sending my blood racing through my body, down to my toes, up to my head.  
Slowing down,
letting its beats reverberate through my hollow abdomen.  
My eyes float in my skull
scanning, trying to find something to focus on, sending blank images back to my brain.  
My lungs are dragging air down into them,
forcing it back up.
They expand and shrink,
compress and release.
I've forgotten the sound of my voice,
surprised as it stumbles out over the arid landscape of my tongue;
it is weak and damaged from disuse.
The space in between my bones is filled with what could have been—the fragmented fantasies desperately pieced together.  
My muscles are dry, tight, and useless.
I am full of could have beens.
Brimming with retrospect.
My skin is stretched tight,
holding back every memory of every moment wasted—forgotten only to be remembered and regretted.  My limbs are too heavy for me to support.
I am dragged down by them.
I am made immobile.
I am the sum of all these parts,
and it is not enough.

I am not a bad person because I don’t believe in soul mates
I can still believe in the existence of love
And the infinite power you possess when you run your finger down my spine
I believe in the absolute truth that is my stomach rolling over
Like a wave curling and crashing on a deserted beach
When you offer up a lopsided smile upon seeing me for the first time in days

No matter how embarrassing the sentiment is
I still feel every cell in my body pull toward you in a desire to be held
Like you hold that cigarette--
With the knowledge that there are many others just like it
But in that moment it is worth more than gold

It’s not wrong for me to believe that I may feel this with someone else
In another town
In another country
On another continent
Maybe just miles away
Or across the ocean
It does not change how I feel about you
And me
In this moment

He smelled like cigarettes
And his eyes sparkled like broken glass
I still feel his hands like hot lead
On my stomach
But he’s forgotten my face