This is me,
Apologizing.
Saying sorry
For whatever it
Is I have done
To you,
Whatever small
Things I’ve forgotten
Or the attempts
That have failed.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry our
Friendship
Couldn’t last,
I’m sorry for
Everything
I’ve done to
Ruin
It, and
I’m sorry for
All the things
I couldn’t do
And all the things
I could.

I’m sorry
For flitting
In and out of
Your life,
All the coming
And going,
Never staying
Still,
Never learning.

I’m sorry.

Someday,
I pray,
That you’ll
See me from
Afar, or think
Of me due to
Some offhanded
Comment or
Experiencing
Nostalgia,
And I pray
That you’ll
Think back on
Our friendship
And the times
We had and
Think

                        She once was my very best friend.
                        How different my life is because of her.

And you’ll
Keep thinking
And thinking,
And I pray you
Decide that
It wasn’t so
Bad,

Me changing your life.

I want to keep
Everything flowing
From me in such
Stupid honesty,
But the kindness
And apologies
Stop there.

I can’t say
I miss you,
I can’t say
That I’m so
Mournful of
Your leaving,
Of you moving
On and
Replacing
Me.

Because I’m not.

I’m not sorry for that.

I’m not sorry
For your silent
Judgments of me
That I’m sure
You thought
Were well-hidden.

I’m not sorry
For watching you
Turn from God
Himself, and
Letting me crumble.

                      I’m not sorry
I say.
                   You’d never been there for me,
                   And all I did was listen to you.
                   The world fell, piece by piece,
                   Around me, and all you saw
                  Was your selfish reflection.

I’m not sorry.

You never could
See me.

You just saw
A jester and
A confidence-booster.

Never a person,
Never the feelings,
Never me.

Just the jester.

I need another
Moment.

More time
In that beat-up
Car,
Blasting
30 Seconds to Mars’
“Kings and Queens”
With you.

One moment,
Screaming at the
Height of our
Lungs,
Following the words,
Feeling the music.
Shout-screaming
All the lyrics out
The windows in
The cool, cool
Night,
Hoping for the
Flashing of
Crimson and
Blue,
Bright blue.
Daring them
To take us
Down.

I need another
Moment.

More time
In that old,
Tan Grand Prix,
Frozen in the
Worn leather
Seats,
Embracing
“Kings and queens
Of fortune”,
Being “the victims
Of ourselves”.

One moment,
Cruising with all
The windows
Down, with the
Dusty skylight
Open,
Feeling the coolness
Of the night
Steal into the car,
Seeping into our
Favorite pairs
Of jeans,
Stopping the tears
On our cheeks
In their places.

I need a
Moment.

One more
Time.

I need another
Moment,
All of us,
In that car
Together again,
Separately feeling
The barren hope
Of being.

Five of us,
Crammed into
That little
Compact car,
Experiencing
The magic of
Music,
Flowing through
Us all as we
Felt so alone,
Being all
Pressed against
Each other,
Our jeans
And cut-off shorts
Threading together
As our bones
Rubbed and poked
Through our skins.

I need one
More moment,

Just one.

All of us,
In that car
Together,
Being.

Existing.

Just that.

Just.

Tick.
Tick.
Tock.

The clock
Is running,
And I’m
Holding still.

Waiting.

Time is
Passing,
Time that will
Never again
Return.

I grow old.

My soul
Grows weary,
And I wonder
Of things
I missed.

I live alone.

My world consists
Of things and people
That do not exist.
Everything that
Has conspired
Has been for
The good of
Myself, no one
Else, and
Everything is
To my satisfaction.

It is dimly lit,
My chambers.
I clamber into
Bed and see
Nothing.
The world is
Grim, and the
World is cold.

But isn’t the
Expected the
Greatest of
Satisfactions?

I leave the
Living before
I am dead.
Now, I
See, and it
Is only due
To my inability
To look.

Now, I see
People, instead
Of looking for
Faults.

I find them anyway.

Now, I see
Ideas, instead of
Looking for
Objectives.

I uncover them anyway.

Now, I see
Emotion, instead
Of looking for
Fakeness.

I expose it anyway.

And here
I thought the
World I lived
In was better.

Foolish me.

Light filters through our dusty screens
And scatters particles on your sleeping form,
Peacefully unaware and running about
In your dreamworld.
I listen to your steady  breathing, matching
Mine in rhythm  as I let my fingers
Dance across your flushed cheeks,
Red splotches on a pale canvas.
I place a kiss upon your forehead,
And you mumble something in your
Sleepy stupor,  not quite sure
What place to  be awake in.
My limbs are getting stiff,
Stuck in one  position for too
Long, but I don’t want to wake you;
Not yet.
I take a risk, shifting my body
To find a more comfortable spot
Next to yours.
Moving slowly, our skin sticks
Together like a mild adhesive
And you shift as well.
In that place, not quite awake
And not quite asleep,
Your arms wrap around
Me and your lips catch a kiss.
Whispers occur.
I whisper “I love you”;
The sheets talk to one
Another around our skins;
The traffic outside our window,
Down on the street below,
Shouts muffled obscenities
In the small hours of our morning;
The clocks and the clicking fridge
Cackle in the kitchen, and the
Drip-drip-dripping of the coffee ***
Begins a bittersweet smell.

But all I see, all I think is
“Oh darling, how I love you so”
As your breath catches for just
One second, and your blue eyes
Creak open, see me, and the sun
Dances across your face in the
Most beautiful smile.

That, my dearest, is the reason to get up in the morning.

The heaviness of life is suffocating.
It’s choking me with its high airs,
Denying me breath and life.
Worry is drowning me.
It’s pressing against my lungs,
Forcing out the air,
Stealing my breath.
It’s weighing me down,
Pulling me under,
Grasping at my ankles
And wrenching my heart.
It holds out its hand to help,
Reminding me of those I love,
But shying away at the last second,
Watching my head sink beneath the waves.
Music is choking me.
It’s on fire, and the flames engulf my body.
Tendrils of smoke caress my throat,
Softly, like a lover, then coil more tightly
As I cough and wheeze.
It stands before me, mocking,
Staring as I fall to the floor among the coals.
It laughs like a deep, roaring thing in my ears,
Pouring into my head and into my soul.
Madness is strangling me.
It’s wrapping its cold fingers
Around my throat,
Squeezing the life from me.
It’s cold and callous,
Cackling like a deranged person
As the fingers tighten
And leave bruises upon my skin.
Life is suffocating me,
Weighing me down,
Pulling me under,
Stealing my breath,
Grasping my ankles,
Engulfing my body.
Laughing.
Mocking.
Lying.

We’ve fallen apart,
You and I.
Just the ‘us‘.
I’m still okay;
Are you?

I called you out.

I was exhausted
From your words,
Your irritating way
Of getting all attention
By asking for none.

It worked for you.
Not me.

I hated you,
Secretly.
It grew in my
Chest with everyday
Passing, while
I pasted on a smile
And lied with my
Face straight, and
You never guessed
A thing.
All the while the
Hate grew in my
Chest, secretly.

I spoke in my calm
Words; I was nearly
Poetic with my
Choices. I gave
You reasons,
I gave you chances.
Millions.

You blew them all.
Just like that guy.

That was why I
Hated you.

You lost all
Sense of morality,
And soon your
Clothing showed
It; your music did,
Your personality
Died.
It was only ever defined
By guys anyway.
You died to me
Long ago.
I was at the funeral,
Looking, just
Observing like
Always.

Where were you?

I waited, I watched.

You never showed.

I always thought
People attended
Their own funerals…
At least
Metaphorically.

But you weren’t there
At all.

Just the person
You once were.

The new one
Was
Somewhere
Else
Entirely.

Could you ask
To switch
Places?
Because I
Liked the old
One
Better.

The smell of you
Lingers, even though
You are gone.
The softness of
Your voice,
Embedded in my ears,
The tenderness of your
Touch remains on my
Skin, even though you
Are gone.

It has been but minutes,
And already I miss
You with burning intensity.

Tears tug at the corners
Of my eyes, and as
I attempt to blink them
Away, I remember
The feel of your hand
On my cheek,
A light caress-
An enduring farewell
From each of your fingers.

I take my walk when the
Wind cuts into my
Side, slicing through
My clothes, and as I
Feel utterly exposed,
I remember your embrace,
A lingering closeness of you;
An enrapturing embrace
Filling me with warmth-
This I remember as
The cold wind threatens
To capture my soul.

Silence meets every corner
Of my house, and as I
Stave off misery,
I remember your voice
In my ear, a
Comforting whisper
Filled with as much
Longing as my own
Heart- an everlasting
Reassurance that
You care for me,
As I do so care for you.

As I remember,
I feel a strong bond
Between our distanced
Selves, and I know
A bond like ours
May never be broken,
Regardless of anything.

I am caged.
The edge of my bed
Holds me hostage,
The walls of my room
Glare if I dare to peer
Through the doorway.
The road limits the places
I may go, and the
City limit markers refuse
To let me pass.
The farewell signs of this
Place do not allow me
To wave goodbye or
Bid farewell;
Their grip only tightens
As I try to escape.
The rivers and lakes
Reject my respectful nods;
They will not permit
A simple gesture of homage.
I am caged.
Like a bird, I may
Sing, but who may
Hear my song,
Who can hear
My cries?
My lungs may burst
From my efforts,
But the song will
Never be heard,
The bird will
Never be free.
Only in the imaginings
Of the simple creature
May it ever hope to
Escape,
To be
Free.

I miss that place
Where I used to be:
My childhood land
With the lilac tree.
I miss that grass,
And those golden fields,
The times we used twigs
For our makeshift shields.
I miss that pond,
With the brand-new deck,
Where we’d use a canoe
To make our trek.
I miss that barn,
With the musty stalls,
Which I never minded,
Never minded at all.
I miss the house
On the big, tall hill
With the dark green shutters
Above the windowsills.
I miss our swings
And the climbing tree
That stained our hands
And feet and knees.
I miss the horses
And their comforting smell
With sparkling eyes that
Held my secrets well.
I miss the path running
Through the woods
Where I skipped and laughed
As lively as I could.
I miss my grandfather
and his good ol’ dogs
and doing chores
and catching frogs.
I miss my grandmother
And her sweet smile
As I sat in her kitchen
And did dishes awhile.
I miss those strays,
The cats we had,
Whose kittens we’d catch
And get scratched real bad.
I miss those days
As we lay in the sun
Soaking up all the rays
And just having our fun.
I miss those cats,
And their colorful fur,
Especially Buttercup,
My favorite, her.
I miss dear Grandma
And her warm hugs
And her talent and her laugh
And her homemade rugs.
I miss ol’ Gramps,
And his mischievous ways
and him talkin’ fast
and us balin’ the hay.
I miss that path
That meandered in the trees
Where the branches creaked
And whispered in the breeze.
I miss the horses,
And the bridle leather
And feeding them oats
In all kinds of weather.
I miss the swing,
All knotted and worn,
And the mulberry tree
Where our clothes were torn.
I miss that hill,
With our little house,
That held just us
And sometimes a mouse.
I miss that barn
With the stalls and hayloft
Where the sparrows gathered
And the hay was soft.
I miss the pond
Where my favorite horse died
And I sat next to the water
And I remember I cried.
I miss the grass
That grew thin and tall
And hid all the bugs
And stole our baseballs.
I miss that place
From my childhood,
But I’ll never forget it.
I don’t think I could.

Pale, filtered
Moonlight streams
Through the windows
And strokes her
Face as she sways,
Back and forth,
To the music,
Every note caressing
Her ears; little
Lovers coming
And moving on,
Making her cry.
Small rivers
Appear on her
Moonstruck cheeks,
And I want to
Reach out a hand
To wipe them
Away, but the music
And my shyness
Keep me in
My secluded spot behind
The curtains.
Her elegant figure
Continues to sway
In some entrancing
Way, a siren call,
But no man will
Meet her request.

The music is lulling
Me to sleep, and
I still see the slow
Swaying as my eyelids
Drift shut.
A trumpeting announcement
Calls my attention,
And as my eyes spring
Open, I see the girl
Is gone.

I have missed my chance.

As though she is still
There, a call beckons
Me to where she last
Stood, and I rush to
The very spot--
I take in everything:
The very moonlight
That kissed her where
I might have,
The smell of her
The panes were
Taking in where
I might have,
The cool, crystalline
Glass that caught
Her tears where
I might have.
As I stood in my
Small grievances,
I felt a small hand
On my shoulder.
I turn, and see
Her standing there
In all her glory,
Commanding my
Attention by asking
For none.
I stared at her hand,
For I could not meet
Her eyes, and
Followed the fingers
To her delicate wrist,
To the prominent elbow,
To the proud shoulder,
To the graceful neck,
To her quivering chin,
To her blossomed lips,
To her peeking nose,
To her dazzling eyes.
I made it there.
I saw they were made
Of the rarest of emeralds,
Shining beneath a brow
Of inquiry:
Who might I be?
Without words,
We understood
One another,
She related her pain
Of family and lost
Relationships,
I of heartache and
Rejection.
We stared at one
Another,
Unsure of what
To do.
Our bodies moved
Simultaneously
Towards each other,
Where our heads
Bent, our fingers
Met, and our lips
Locked in the sweetest
Of embraces to the
Tune of the
Waltz.

I can’t sleep,
Thinking of your face.
It keeps me up nights,
When my body aches
And all I want is
Sleep,
Escape.
I can’t sleep,
Thinking of you.
How we used to be.
How we fought,
And I’d be angry.
And I’d grit my
Teeth and swallow
The words like a bitter
Pill you have to take
In the mornings
But really don’t
Want to.
How I refused to
Hold your hand
Or talk or look at
You.
I can’t sleep,
Thinking of that.
Of how you’d gently
Pull apart my fist
And hold my hand in
Your big fingers.
How you would hold
Me even when I didn't
Want you to.
How our bodies fit
Together like mismatched
Puzzle pieces that
Really shouldn’t fit with
Anything at all,
But fit with each other
Somehow.
I can’t sleep,
Thinking of you.
How I hate myself
For missing us.
For wanting all
We had before,
All the madness
And anger and
Hurt.
But all the love
And happiness
And good-feeling
Stuff, too.
I miss that.
I miss you.

I loved you
From the third
Day we met.

I’d say the first,
But society says
There’s something
Wrong with loving
Someone just because
They wore a Star Wars
t-shirt the day they
met you.

So it was the
Third day
For me.

Your tiny smiles
And witty humor
Got me right away.
You didn’t worry
About hurting my
Feelings by poking
Fun at me, even
Though we didn’t know
Each other.

That’s love.

It was in the glint
Of your eyes,
The teeny
Mischievous
Part you don’t
Always show,
That got me.
I knew we’d have
Adventures.

And you liked
The stuff that
I liked, the movies
And music
And being silly
For no real
Reason at all.
That’s love.
You dressed so
Strangely, so
Much like
A kid who
Just didn’t
Care what others
Thought, that
Stick-it-to-the-man
Mindset.

It threw me
For a loop,
Not knowing
What you’d
Really be like.
It made you
Interesting--
Dangerous,
Almost.

That’s love.

So we explored
And dove and
Spelunked
And did all
That crazy stuff
Everyone said
We’d never do.
We did it.

And we fought
And we yelled
But we never hit
And that’s alright
Because everyone
Has to get angry
Sometimes.

But we were okay.
Just okay.
For a long, long
Time.

And then it stopped.

The okay part.

All of a sudden,
There was a lot
Of sadness
And a lot of
Hurt
And I didn’t know
Where to put it
But in so that’s
Where it stayed
And the okay
Parts stopped.

Inside and out.

That’s love, too.

From that third
Day, to the 25th,
To the second month
To our 15th date,
I loved you.
For all the reasons
I said and for
Hundreds more.

But I had to
Let you go.

I had to go
On and you
Had to stay.

And that’s love.

Knowing when
To say goodbye.