This is me,
Apologizing.
Saying sorry
For whatever it
Is I have done
To you,
Whatever small
Things I’ve forgotten
Or the attempts
That have failed.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry our
Friendship
Couldn’t last,
I’m sorry for
Everything
I’ve done to
Ruin
It, and
I’m sorry for
All the things
I couldn’t do
And all the things
I could.

I’m sorry
For flitting
In and out of
Your life,
All the coming
And going,
Never staying
Still,
Never learning.

I’m sorry.

Someday,
I pray,
That you’ll
See me from
Afar, or think
Of me due to
Some offhanded
Comment or
Experiencing
Nostalgia,
And I pray
That you’ll
Think back on
Our friendship
And the times
We had and
Think

                        She once was my very best friend.
                        How different my life is because of her.

And you’ll
Keep thinking
And thinking,
And I pray you
Decide that
It wasn’t so
Bad,

Me changing your life.

I want to keep
Everything flowing
From me in such
Stupid honesty,
But the kindness
And apologies
Stop there.

I can’t say
I miss you,
I can’t say
That I’m so
Mournful of
Your leaving,
Of you moving
On and
Replacing
Me.

Because I’m not.

I’m not sorry for that.

I’m not sorry
For your silent
Judgments of me
That I’m sure
You thought
Were well-hidden.

I’m not sorry
For watching you
Turn from God
Himself, and
Letting me crumble.

                      I’m not sorry
I say.
                   You’d never been there for me,
                   And all I did was listen to you.
                   The world fell, piece by piece,
                   Around me, and all you saw
                  Was your selfish reflection.

I’m not sorry.

You never could
See me.

You just saw
A jester and
A confidence-booster.

Never a person,
Never the feelings,
Never me.

Just the jester.

I need another
Moment.

More time
In that beat-up
Car,
Blasting
30 Seconds to Mars’
“Kings and Queens”
With you.

One moment,
Screaming at the
Height of our
Lungs,
Following the words,
Feeling the music.
Shout-screaming
All the lyrics out
The windows in
The cool, cool
Night,
Hoping for the
Flashing of
Crimson and
Blue,
Bright blue.
Daring them
To take us
Down.

I need another
Moment.

More time
In that old,
Tan Grand Prix,
Frozen in the
Worn leather
Seats,
Embracing
“Kings and queens
Of fortune”,
Being “the victims
Of ourselves”.

One moment,
Cruising with all
The windows
Down, with the
Dusty skylight
Open,
Feeling the coolness
Of the night
Steal into the car,
Seeping into our
Favorite pairs
Of jeans,
Stopping the tears
On our cheeks
In their places.

I need a
Moment.

One more
Time.

I need another
Moment,
All of us,
In that car
Together again,
Separately feeling
The barren hope
Of being.

Five of us,
Crammed into
That little
Compact car,
Experiencing
The magic of
Music,
Flowing through
Us all as we
Felt so alone,
Being all
Pressed against
Each other,
Our jeans
And cut-off shorts
Threading together
As our bones
Rubbed and poked
Through our skins.

I need one
More moment,

Just one.

All of us,
In that car
Together,
Being.

Existing.

Just that.

Just.

Tick.
Tick.
Tock.

The clock
Is running,
And I’m
Holding still.

Waiting.

Time is
Passing,
Time that will
Never again
Return.

I grow old.

My soul
Grows weary,
And I wonder
Of things
I missed.

I live alone.

My world consists
Of things and people
That do not exist.
Everything that
Has conspired
Has been for
The good of
Myself, no one
Else, and
Everything is
To my satisfaction.

It is dimly lit,
My chambers.
I clamber into
Bed and see
Nothing.
The world is
Grim, and the
World is cold.

But isn’t the
Expected the
Greatest of
Satisfactions?

I leave the
Living before
I am dead.
Now, I
See, and it
Is only due
To my inability
To look.

Now, I see
People, instead
Of looking for
Faults.

I find them anyway.

Now, I see
Ideas, instead of
Looking for
Objectives.

I uncover them anyway.

Now, I see
Emotion, instead
Of looking for
Fakeness.

I expose it anyway.

And here
I thought the
World I lived
In was better.

Foolish me.

Light filters through our dusty screens
And scatters particles on your sleeping form,
Peacefully unaware and running about
In your dreamworld.
I listen to your steady  breathing, matching
Mine in rhythm  as I let my fingers
Dance across your flushed cheeks,
Red splotches on a pale canvas.
I place a kiss upon your forehead,
And you mumble something in your
Sleepy stupor,  not quite sure
What place to  be awake in.
My limbs are getting stiff,
Stuck in one  position for too
Long, but I don’t want to wake you;
Not yet.
I take a risk, shifting my body
To find a more comfortable spot
Next to yours.
Moving slowly, our skin sticks
Together like a mild adhesive
And you shift as well.
In that place, not quite awake
And not quite asleep,
Your arms wrap around
Me and your lips catch a kiss.
Whispers occur.
I whisper “I love you”;
The sheets talk to one
Another around our skins;
The traffic outside our window,
Down on the street below,
Shouts muffled obscenities
In the small hours of our morning;
The clocks and the clicking fridge
Cackle in the kitchen, and the
Drip-drip-dripping of the coffee ***
Begins a bittersweet smell.

But all I see, all I think is
“Oh darling, how I love you so”
As your breath catches for just
One second, and your blue eyes
Creak open, see me, and the sun
Dances across your face in the
Most beautiful smile.

That, my dearest, is the reason to get up in the morning.

The heaviness of life is suffocating.
It’s choking me with its high airs,
Denying me breath and life.
Worry is drowning me.
It’s pressing against my lungs,
Forcing out the air,
Stealing my breath.
It’s weighing me down,
Pulling me under,
Grasping at my ankles
And wrenching my heart.
It holds out its hand to help,
Reminding me of those I love,
But shying away at the last second,
Watching my head sink beneath the waves.
Music is choking me.
It’s on fire, and the flames engulf my body.
Tendrils of smoke caress my throat,
Softly, like a lover, then coil more tightly
As I cough and wheeze.
It stands before me, mocking,
Staring as I fall to the floor among the coals.
It laughs like a deep, roaring thing in my ears,
Pouring into my head and into my soul.
Madness is strangling me.
It’s wrapping its cold fingers
Around my throat,
Squeezing the life from me.
It’s cold and callous,
Cackling like a deranged person
As the fingers tighten
And leave bruises upon my skin.
Life is suffocating me,
Weighing me down,
Pulling me under,
Stealing my breath,
Grasping my ankles,
Engulfing my body.
Laughing.
Mocking.
Lying.

We’ve fallen apart,
You and I.
Just the ‘us‘.
I’m still okay;
Are you?

I called you out.

I was exhausted
From your words,
Your irritating way
Of getting all attention
By asking for none.

It worked for you.
Not me.

I hated you,
Secretly.
It grew in my
Chest with everyday
Passing, while
I pasted on a smile
And lied with my
Face straight, and
You never guessed
A thing.
All the while the
Hate grew in my
Chest, secretly.

I spoke in my calm
Words; I was nearly
Poetic with my
Choices. I gave
You reasons,
I gave you chances.
Millions.

You blew them all.
Just like that guy.

That was why I
Hated you.

You lost all
Sense of morality,
And soon your
Clothing showed
It; your music did,
Your personality
Died.
It was only ever defined
By guys anyway.
You died to me
Long ago.
I was at the funeral,
Looking, just
Observing like
Always.

Where were you?

I waited, I watched.

You never showed.

I always thought
People attended
Their own funerals…
At least
Metaphorically.

But you weren’t there
At all.

Just the person
You once were.

The new one
Was
Somewhere
Else
Entirely.

Could you ask
To switch
Places?
Because I
Liked the old
One
Better.

The smell of you
Lingers, even though
You are gone.
The softness of
Your voice,
Embedded in my ears,
The tenderness of your
Touch remains on my
Skin, even though you
Are gone.

It has been but minutes,
And already I miss
You with burning intensity.

Tears tug at the corners
Of my eyes, and as
I attempt to blink them
Away, I remember
The feel of your hand
On my cheek,
A light caress-
An enduring farewell
From each of your fingers.

I take my walk when the
Wind cuts into my
Side, slicing through
My clothes, and as I
Feel utterly exposed,
I remember your embrace,
A lingering closeness of you;
An enrapturing embrace
Filling me with warmth-
This I remember as
The cold wind threatens
To capture my soul.

Silence meets every corner
Of my house, and as I
Stave off misery,
I remember your voice
In my ear, a
Comforting whisper
Filled with as much
Longing as my own
Heart- an everlasting
Reassurance that
You care for me,
As I do so care for you.

As I remember,
I feel a strong bond
Between our distanced
Selves, and I know
A bond like ours
May never be broken,
Regardless of anything.