i know there's still bits and pieces of you that aren't quite undead yet
felt almost impressive to mean something
or somebody who can alter your possessiveness, left
the wedding ring and pretending to be old on your dresser
lay out and fade away star-born reflected off morning waves
the highs and lows, most have been so low and you standing high
getting into my phone and claiming to protect me from other people
bringing your guns out for the summer sun again, sabatoging
all my connections to the outside world, i still wonder why
you bother teasing me and thinking this is more than a charade
but there's still got to be something inside you that still cares

hit with the brush of heat and the super likes
i light my cigarette and lean on my phone and
a 90s volkswagen parked next to a brand new prius
tell me don't make me wait forever, superman
is this what you want, things are changing all around us
and i could have sworn i was doing okay (finally) when
i was without you, before i even noticed your eyes
i was with trevor after class and i could've sworn
you opened your locker after i caught you staring at me

today i walked outside without your hand in mine
and i didn't know what to do with it at all
not speak of such conviction that i think the same thing
that i could be better not knowing what you're doing
who you're seeing, who your sleeping with in cold calculation
the revenge of symbols rearranging themselves
into a broken heart, summer's round the corner
and i'm wasting away thinking about you again and again

call me when things are tranquila, quiet
you cat call me, tell me you want me as your chica
something about a casa and boy, i don't speak spanish
let alone english to the perfection you seemingly don't require

you say bonita, you say

open up your corazón, set the love free on wings flying in the sun
your tongue knows the sacred place to wet the desert
my back and head lean back and watch the cosmos spin perfectly
one moment we were drinking underage and messing around
now i'm living in your house making changes to the framework
looking for some substance in this secular age

can’t tell at all if these thoughts are even mine, smoothing my hair out
on the lawn while the sun kisses our skin and we lay around
Spring is getting swept away and the asphalt is as hot as you
heat circumventing every shade of skinny leaved trees
and our truant is every bit of rebellion i need to escape myself
these neon signs are open and i still want steal time with you
just like the weather did and be full to the brim of light
want to dream again if this day is one, and daydream all the stinging away

and i swear i'll be your best time of your life
until somebody eclipses me in every capacity
the sunrise hasn't happened yet and there's still bridges
to burn, the oversized teddybear you got me from
the fair of those overpriced games lined up under the bright
farris wheel lights that shine with nostalgia everytime
i think about them again, crashing on your couch
and waking up in the morning to the smell of breakfast
but you have disappeared and it will be tragic, bones
hurt when you break them but you haven't broke mine yet

the superficial makes my soul, shopping until the mall closes
honey i got broken eyes in these sweat filled nights for sure
and people order everything online, ******* to food
and i love to say i want all the attention when it comes
like to stay with my twelve pierced ears on these starred streets
people made of plastic and the fat people get shamed, i live
in a house that somebody else pays for and i say i love him
every once in awhile, i fall apart and he can buy things to fix me
and that's just what i hate and love about me
i fall apart and maybe that's what i deserve

first:
My name doesn't matter. I don't know anyone else who has the same name as me, nor why it's so significant. Any comparisons to other people's works will result in a block.

second:
Comment without liking my poems will result in me just removing your comment. Disliking doesn't really do anything and doesn't notify me. However, a comment with constructive criticism can be addressed through private messages.

third:
If you like or love or both any of my poems, I will try to get back to your poems with equally proportional likes and so ons. Sometimes the site doesn't work and I miss a few. Sorry. However, using suns to light my poems up and make them trend again will not result in reciprocation. I am broke. I also do not repost, so choose to if you want knowing this.

fourth:
Do not put my poems in lists like Worthy to trend or a notch above the daily fluff. I find those lists too pretentious even by my own pretentious standard.

fifth:
I post thank you's a lot because I am genuinely surprised people like my "art" and I can't make it anymore simple. Thank you friends, I had a rough time when I found this site and loved it ever since.

:)

i followed, until the follower button broke and suddenly
sullenly you're verified hanging out with other pretty things
amenity people, furniture unwrapped from foreign places
making flirty faces with the next boy and the next ones after that
i followed until my patience broke and the pride flooded in
rejection swiftly came within the bucket my heart was found within
just because it feels so good, you knowing my secrets
and stalking my social media like my biggest fan
it doesn't mean a thing if i don't know you at all like i used to

enter stage left: the regret part nine hundred and seven

maybe we're too young to feel something real between us
bottles of liquor on your mini fridge, messing around
with each other's bodies all this reddened afternoon, forgetting
the crisis seems so averted when the asymptotic answer
is just forgetting it exists and you can do way better than
hanging out with me but here we are
i swear i can make it worth something for you to remember
well i'll be the one you'll take home tonight or tomorrow
in that red convertible like a weird chainsmoker song
and i'll forget it's 2017 just for the whole ride.

let's write a song together, lyrics like, "you don't love me no more
see you walk out the door, wondering why it took you so long
your cuteass in tight jeans, a curse and a blessing to watch you leave"
got an upright piano in the corner that's sort of been neglected
and it plays every other C out of tune, but we can't afford a tuner
to come by and nor can we buy new strings for a guitar

we get up, we fall down, we find love, and we crash all the way
and heaven help us, now that we're separate and on our own
love the route it takes us to a melancholy mood that's so particular
and so comfortable to be wrapped up in an ocean of blankets
under a crepuscular night~ play that song all night and have it repeat
when you're at work and it'll burn itself in the background forever

i wish i was something immutable or indestructible of fountains
and of young **** yielding grass laying youth country USA
stargazing, in a plaid shirt even though i'm a city girl trying to get more
acquainted with your southern drawl and a bit of your memory
you're out on bond and the first thing you do is call your momma
hurt somebody bad because they messed with her
that turns me on a little bit like the hay in your truck's bed
life's been kind of bright red like my lips and i'm not down with tricks
but i can afford clothes now and my parents don't talk to me anymore
dusk is here but you don't have to worry anymore
and you're hot like the August asphalt, lines in my cheeks from laughing
with you
no plea deals and no instagram pics, low lights and maybe more bright red
less stagnant and more comfortable with the visions of love and life

Let's get out of here, go out to orbit one another
and fall in fractal patterns to the ground and never pick up
where we left off, something makes me laugh about the ephemeral
state that our affair tonight is, we go to Portland for drinks
and suddenly I'm feeling your heavy lips on my own
and it's like I always wanted you to stop talking about yourself
talking about me talking about your business your wife
and how cool your ride is, but I can't imagine the cards falling
into the floor face down and against yours without these games
tomorrow's going to be a lot hotter than today and the night
I'll promise to make it hotter if you shut up and kiss me again

I got all the things I need I still want problems though
I don't want to go to funerals, friends not even getting old and going out early
am I really a real person anymore? Self-destructive
so selfish, I know there's pictures of me smiling still
and the cargo pants pink polo craze you went through,
streets shining gold and I'm still red like a kite though
just skateboarded and landed in a new job modeling glow
I'm glad my phases had to go and I can't describe my life when asked
by my mom about it, just bought some clothes
so I can look bomb at the club but I keep that on the low
I just want to be burdened instead of being one
Want to be insecure about things because my mind is broken
got to stop seeing things the way they are and embrace the fold
I'm sending xoxo's anyways, step dad too, I'm undoing myself
even if I don't even want to lose things I don't have

If there's one thing that's consistent in this broken up
world it's the music, it cleanses my soul and I've been addicted
since and everything else in my life is falling apart
and you want to get me high, way up there in the stars
flashing from the lights above our head
I just want to forget it all and get lost in the fog, set me on fire
and throw your body away from mine and pull right back
occlusion of the smoke's got me thinking about nothing
in party particular, partially unaware and these leaping forms
got nothing on the sweetness of the bitter crowded club at 1am

Wild, wild grass and wild, wicked smile, heavy
wooden barn burning off the hip for us to see, same barn
we made love in, views of red and blue firetruck lights
forever burnt, engraved inside my head, days so hot things
catch sparks in the nights when we come to life again
remember how we couldn't afford clothes (well, still can't)
so we all partied in the ****, skinny dip in the lake and a flame
snuck off with Johnny somewhere, but glad no animals lived
inside that barn for years now and the country is where I belong---

telephone poles to nowhere, blue skies, rolling yellow grassy hills
and water towers occasionally, your wild and wicked smile
next to me in the van with our friends doing our time on the road
but a burning barn can't crush our spirits more than they already are
can't ruin the memories of a number of electrified nights
of alcohol and poor decisions, broken people collecting
each other's pieces.

This Saturday was tight lipped cold, gripped by the wind on the roll
I think I need to slow my roll too, headlong down a hill hey,
been wanting your touch but you dangle that in front of me for too long
make me feel helpless like I don't have no choice but to love you
Ma downstairs with her friends baking cake stuck in the 70s
dressed in fishnets and licking whipped cream up
I used to sneak out the windows in the arid nights while they partied
but these days this tune's on the jukebox and archaic like the arcade
and so fades us, tell me why like everyday is a change of pace to catch you

we're dusting off our guns for the summertime
memories to be made and sadness for each one
you can take me out only if you can pick me up with your arms
and if you don't want to come I guess I'll go in all alone
trying to be indifferent, painting on my face rifting my face
let's try to cover it up with masks, hide the suffering
and maybe you're showing interest in my proposition
or just leading me on to a scrap of your own
what's the sign I'm supposed to search on your face for?

the next time you're in town I'll wonder if everything is real
you keep biting strands of my hair, just missing bullets from afar
baby tell me how you feel in bed, something wrong with me
don't waste another day worrying what I am other than the fact
I am real, and really alone, unable to speak in other things than money

I don't trust you like a shirt, but I want to be down with you in Hollywood
baby the streets got that effect on me like a wanderlust
I'm still floating about free game working late, I don't want
you to tell me I'm good I want you to tell me I'm great
I want to be all your falling moonlight fantasies late night
catch fire my golden skin emerging from the shower in my calvin kleins
make me feel Portuguese, a misty memory resurfacing to my mind
collecting sparks in my eyes with bright wonder

I don't know what to say, so I'll say nothing and write
everything down, I saw your face last night at the party
and I hope that it could mean I did something
can you save me from this thing taking my mind away
I must be dreaming, so I'll say nothing because I don't want
to take your breath away and you'll take mine away too

you were sitting on the bed of the truck next to the cooler
with your phone out, looked like you didn't want no best friend
around you as you pull the lighter out, it's 3 am and I must be dreaming
because that picture is still stuck in my mind, despite it meaning nothing
I don't know what to say, so I'll say nothing and write it all down

Tug me into the ocean, deeper and darker, take me to heaven
I'm predictable, baby, and my poetry fits in the waves
but the ocean functions the same, cover me in your water
and turn me into the summer breeze I'm powerless, unseen
melt me like ice cream in a summer day, bring me to my knees to pray
dance me like a bonfire, wash the sand off my sweater or just
let me wear yours when this feeling needs rekindling

and suddenly all my favorite songs were about you
and suddenly all my favorite poems were about you
close your eyes to what you can't imagine, sixty seven
hours spent with you and I'm falling into you deeper than the sea
and hot like I'm dancing in your island flames
just to speed my heartbeat to match and catch yours

We're in the sun and I'm moving from your mouth
to your jeans, we're watching the stars and we're moving
We're going down the green boulevard and we're cruising
you speak Romanian, I speak you, we're going to far
and moving to the beat as one and the wind blows the hair
in my face and I got news for you, I can see you just clearly
as I could before, carefully, barely hanging on and catching movies

I can't keep away from your kiss, back and forth want to feel
the rest of you and all of you can't wait to catch you all alone
we're in the sun and I'm moving from your mouth
to the hole in your heart, tell me how you feel and who you are
you speak barely, your rhythmic breaths tell me all I need to know
waste the day and spend all the time in your pockets, all alone
floating around your head and hanging midair in your palms like
a red balloon

the lyrics to your song resonate with me even if they're cliched
messes, messages of memories and mixtures of past and future
what am i rambling about, you see all i do is write when
afflicted by life and i think you think i look better when
i'm sad, and i think that too but i can't feel anything
tonight i'm billie, and i'm dancing to forget the old me
and i'm hoping you do too

you always make me into something that i'm feeling
and i keep it going~ blissfully, pulling, the heat of cracked pavement
i'm closing my eyes and i don't want to, because i'll
remember the old me again and tonight i'm billie and i'm
repeating myself in the frail hope that it'll be real

and i feel myself breaking everytime i talk to you
wake up crying, go to sleep crying, mad at myself
for trying to believe im something to you or a factor
that influences your fleeting thoughts and actions during the day
are you sleeping on me? sky goes colossal over my head
and the sun exposes the long lost footprints trekking
to the wrong places i strayed to, and you can map them all out

Maybe you're just out of touch
and me too, a little out of reality
but maybe you'll holler me down next sunday
make your hands form a heart when you feel alone
and you'll know just how i feel inside

call my number if you feel like i do inside
maybe you'll hollow me out next sunday
cradle it all, baby of sorrow and ebony tough love
we hood and love doesn't belong here
trying to be cool around you, but i'm feeling lower than ever

just a bit of letting go and things that i'm not going to live
with next sunday

Anticipation always ups the ante, burns me up and up
hanging out in TC with you, the sun is peaking out
and it feels a little less empty every time i look out the window
analogy backwash, swallow my pride and spill out
my guts in metaphoric cliched prose, quantum anything
and by now it's unfocused and out of frame
the bar is closing down on us and the beach is inviting me
to sink beneath its waves

You say this with an odd jealousy~
It's easy being me, I am a marvel of a mountain
a giant sleeping on a hill, taking up all the space~
Write immortal poetry on my arms and people
take notes on all of the subjects I profess as truth

You say all these things as if the quantity in question
outweighs the persecution us women face around
the world, the options opting upon our forced attendance
guys like you creep in bushes and clamor you're
an incel and some of you wish you were girls

A terrible thing to be is to be me

The sequence idles for a bit then undulates
shall I leave or stay wait for you to collapse
on me like a ton of bricks or a roiling wave

My starvation for your presence and the increasing
loneliness I have, palpitates its manifestation
on tear stained pages and overwhelmingly cheesy tropes

that make it seem so unbelievable, how did all
of my life here and the past lead me to be writing
all of these sentences to deprecate all my life's choices~

I am an armada with holes in its hull
a meteor burning up in the mesosphere
the girl you met sort of once and forever marked you

I'm insane for launching headlong into loving you
Life is passion and I have to have it~
clear skies and gantries releasing my rockethead into space

I just wish settling down was not the only stigma
that prevented your engagement in the leap of faith
and direct contact was all you wanted for all these nights

to the perfume of impeccable smell ever drawn
with even the bitter tasting people left bereft
of speech, the hour is blue and it is blue hour
time lapses and traipses into its mystery
I keep wondering where or what that scent
came to, a heavenly starry view and a whimsical
wanderlust left in the hearts of every princess
out there with a man who takes
the mantle of the journey to crawl inside
such a tight beating space of her chest

To all my friends saying I am not up for
that decision, I am too dramatic and predisposed
to derelict conversation and intellectual thought
the rainbow comes with the rain and the LGBT
my heart is titanium and too heavy to fit
inside another's perplexing palm-

You tell me I am just like her and it crushes me
that I sit in the same spot, that passenger seat
of your jeep you hate as she did and I want
to explode in reds oranges yellows greens
blues purple yell at you that I loved her too
but she fell for you and you ruined it for everyone

Live in the white city, slip into the blue hour
again, and to all my friends saying I was wrong
that you're all right about your opinions of me
and I am misguided, I should just go to the bars
with you all and cash in on the next person
buy me a drink, like I have fun in the face
of funerals and if I make it tonight we can arrange
my own later on I guess

Look at me; there isn't much of me
I'm cold as the wind, like a carving around a post
like the sand being washed over by rolling waves
my hair enters the fray like a bat fluttering back
to its tree to sleep in, I live giving out empty assertions
to everyone who asks how I'm doing and these promises
are way too much to think about ringing about
my mind like the carnival by the sea on the beach~

Heart is a little bit less every time I check,
needs sight to behold the gamut of the dusk
and hold the onus-torch of a near-nothing dream
light a bit of the path up a bit, and realize what the sign
says at the fork in the road, "Each of these don't end up
in his arms anymore."

I skipped class along with pretty much everything else
that I probably really needed to get going to do today~

just to write this thing down, my terrible handwriting
writing intellectual notes with no luck involved, the more
my hand feels like cracking like the bricks of the walls
to the fence I lean on when I'm keen on a cigarette
still here, still here, still here, what words
go after still here, was it after all these days
was it after all these years, were there any second
chances involved or excuses as to why I'm still stuck
in this city hung up and being irresponsible
I'm having a meltdown, I'm writing words on a piece of paper
you'll never read this or the others I've written
being in a house miles and miles away from me
and my friends don't get it because they've never gone
through it, uphold the status quo and all that
proper weird, wired on coffee, sleepless nights
and I really don't want to throw a dress on and dance
with my friends tonight I'd just look pathetic now

what am I even writing right now

Daytime,
The hood of your car is warm
and I'm laying on it like feeling like
swimming in the sky, eyes kissing and
drinking in the blue so vast and azure
I just keep repeating myself, distracting myself
with the same lines, complex is kind of a side
never shown much like your make-up and dress
you did in the make-up in a hurry but you're a mess
before the date tonight

Night time,
The cotton of your shirt feels weird
on my skin when I wear it to remember you
nights I don't remember but at least I can replicate them
enough for a nice repeat, sneak out the window
watch the stars and ditch the non-existent
comfort of my broken home
and my heart is pounding at a matching beat per minute
to the jams blaring on the radio
my seductive tone falls on deaf ears anyways so
I just let the music play onwards and upwards
thinking I should go too

I am forever lost among the boys riding bikes
under an orange sunset
On the concretes next to the spires
and the old shingled rolling roofs
to this sparsely populated plaza,
mid-afternoon of Winter
in another hour it'll be dark and rainy
we can taste it in the air
but now I am alone in abandon
singular light casts a singular shadow
because they are no longer with me
I think it's meant to be this way when we grow old~
At least that's how it's always been