“if i fell in love with you,
you'd be the only one who wouldn't know.
i'd never smile at you because i'm
afraid you'd return it and free the butterflies in my ribcage.
i won't ask for your name
not just because i would already have found out but
mostly due to the fact that
you might ask me for mine and the
sound of my name at the tip of your tongue
will ignite the sort of fire that will burn me into ashes from the inside out. i won't let you hold my hand
because the thought of your skin on mine
tires me out enough at night without my heart
aching for another touch.
i'm never going to
tell you i love you because i know,
everything that i have ever loved
either
crumbled to debris
or ripped me apart.”

i remember when we first met i thought to myself that i had to have you even if it'll be the last thing i do. and to be honest it isn't even that important that you were gorgeous it was the fact that you are every good memory put into one that made me fall so hard for you.

apology #1: it was never my intention to let dust settle over your lips.

apology #2: i didn't forget you but it was my fault that i didn't let you feel remembered.

apology #3: you were content with just being in my line of sight but i should have offered you more attention.

it is when i am left all alone picking up the pieces you left behind that i realize just how much i am already missing you, like a vestige of what was but will never be.

if i had to describe love i'd call it a sandstorm.
these grains of time slip through my fingers and yet they still exist and dig into my skin.
i have to keep my eyes closed or you will blind me again and leave traces of yourself under my fingernails that won't entirely disappear.
if i had to describe love i'd call it a sandstorm.
because whenever you're near i feel that time will burst out of its hourglass and everything organized and proper will drift and drift until i am no longer sure how many hours i have spent wandering the labyrinths in your eyes.
if i had to describe love i'd call it a sandstorm.
i knew that it'd hurt me and yet i walked into the open, looking for you.
i knew it wouldn't last and yet i embraced you with open arms.

I have breathed you indefinitely, wondering if your scent
is the definition of perfection. I should digress.
These wings won't take me
as far away as I will want to go.
If you still think of me, please remember me as broken;
as the pieces you once tried to put together, and inevitably failed.
If you are willing to read my words;
please rip these envelopes and hide the letters within your palm.
My reasons for leaving are finite;
I know that they will run out, and they will never be enough.
Of course, I should apologize.
I am sorry for being the imperfection you never needed.
You tell me you love me and I believe you, but
I do not deserve your affection.
But I will not apologize for making this decision.
I will leave my past behind in a flurry of winter snow;
please don't try to find the last traces of my footsteps.
I promise that I will be fine.
And thank you;
you are so beautifully sincere in everything you say.
Nothing will ever feel warmer than your fingers clasped in mine.
I could write down all the things about you that
have driven my heart into insane acceleration. My pen will run dry.
Though lastly, if there is a word that
can express extreme love better than itself,
I dedicate it to you.

- - -

the scratching of pencil on paper sounds like
how your nails scrape words over my dry
skin in the dim light. reminiscence is essential.
beyond the window grilles, there is
nothing but silence.

so i manifest noises by tapping
my feet against the smooth parquet or
by standing near clocks to hear their hands
tick away. it is more
comforting than it should be.

if you could feel my anxiety, or drink
in all my nervousness, then you would
understand— why i am always unsure.

i believed too much in gods and luck.
my spirit is limited in a case of
transparent hope,
tinted by whispers which haunt
me to no end.

and so tells the story of how i came
to stop believing.

- - -

abandonment is when everything you do is wrong
and nothing you do is considered important
when you've blatantly made a mistake but
they smile at you and say that "it's all right"
because they can't be bothered to tell you
what it takes to become an even better person

it is the occasional urge for your heartbeat to
slow down. to the point where it stops, and
is too late to start up again
the persistant desire to step off rooftops;
to feel your body tumbling, hurtling downwards knowing
that the ground will open up to keep you safe

when you feel abandoned, you feel unwanted
as if everyone has decided to give up on you
but still you keep your palms open,
like a child waiting to catch snowflakes in summer
thinking that perhaps, your conclusion was wrong
hoping that the silhouette you watched walk away will
turn around and return to you with outstretched arms

- - -

i could tell you all the things that i wish you'd noticed
but my only regret was the way you packed yourself from me and refused to listen
i could tell you where to set your once vibrant eyes on,
but you'd only ever kept them shut, closing those windows to undiscovered beauty

you were only ever interested in perfection,
lamenting of the world's unfair ways and incomprehensible occurrences
wanting to be flawless yourself but
unfortunately we were never one of the lucky ones destiny picked to favor
i could tell you how perfection is overrated,
like butterflies with wings pinned under tempered glass
amaranthine and frozen in the time trapped within a transparent case,
beautiful, breathtaking, brilliantー
yet they don't really get to live at all; they are too fragile to brave the world

i wish i could have made you see all the insignificant wonders
everything that touched my heart and would hopefully touch yours,
i wish i could have shown you what you could have lived for
or rather, through my selfishness, i wish i could have made you stay with me
because i could see you standing there with the light slipping
off your tainted skin, like a cascading waterfall
as the tentacles of night shrank back in utter defeat

you started a flamboyant affair with your demon because it'd never leave you;
but you never fell too deep in love because you knew it'd never love you back

still the urge to be faultless and never wrong sifted through your desires
i was wrong to let you pursue an endless dream
and i wish i could tell you how i felt as if i was shattering into pieces
every time you held me so tightly and desperately,
yet it is as if your arms were the only remnants binding my entire essence together

everything faded away as you clawed on to any remaining presence
to any scrap of worthless memory to remind you of yourself
i wish you could have seen yourself through my eyes:
the way your words spilled in fervor, mindless of induced tears and welling disbelief,
how your voice lashed out in a wild arc, madly throwing up shields around you
and i couldn't get closer

though lastly, i wish you could see me now, looping threads with boulders attached
at the ends around my ankles and tossing them off buildings
so when i fall down to reach you, it'll be an elaborately planned accident

- - -