these words are not apologetic;
they don't believe in lying
since words are merely tools
to flavor our blatant insincerity

these pens are not for writing;
rather, they are used for dismantling
the nib from the tube of color
to be sliced up into confetti by knives—
where the ink spills like dark blood

these poems are not for reading;
but for recording your feelings in
riddles that no one else but you can
understand, and relate to—
words coded in more words,
or in between lines with the invisible
ink of the mind and memory

these paragraphs are not sarcastic;
more of subtle reminders to you that
perhaps you should have cared
about me a little bit more than the
dust collecting on the top shelves of
your forgotten library,
while your pocket empties itself
on new volumes of books with
repetitive story plots, my own
diminishing in the sea of your curiosity

- - -

a for the anxiety that burns in my heart
b for the brutality of your words
c for the chances you never take
d for every door you kept close
e for the efforts i've wasted on you
f for the freedom we locked up in cages
g for the gardens that grow weeds
h for the hands that grasp at hope
i for the illusions of this world
j for the jars we keep our hearts in
k for the kisses you pressed to my jaw
l for the laundry you left on my floor
m for the memories that refuse to fade
n for the nostalgia that haunts my dreams
o for the onslaught of grayest rain
p for the parachutes we forgot when we jumped
q for the questions that don't have answers
r for the rebels in us who will never die
s for the satellites we resemble too much
t for the trains we could never catch up
u for the umbrellas that are broken and torn
v for the vengeance we shouldn't seek
w for the winters that never end
x for the false Xs they drew on maps
y for the years that pass like days

and

z for zilch interest, the interest you never had in me

- - -

let me remind you of how i was alone
lonely but yet i had been doing fine
before you sauntered into my life
and asked me for my name

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your smirk
that i wouldn't fall for your pride

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your conceit
that i wouldn't fall for the way you took everything for granted

i told myself no way
i told myself to stay away
and as time passed i realized
perhaps you weren't as horrible as i thought you were
i thought you were maybe even fine

still i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your smile
that i wouldn't fall for your laugh

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for the way you flicked my tears away
that i wouldn't fall for the way you tossed pebbles at my window

but i'd started being more unsure
i wasn't sure if i was right about you in fact
i thought that i was definitely wrong
so i started to fall

i started to fall for you
i fell for the trademark smirk you liked to give me
i fell for the way you are so confident about everything

i started to fall for you
i fell for the way you whispered nonsense in my ear
i fell for the way you held my hand as if you'd never let go

i started to fall for you
i fell for the way you had to have coffee in the mornings
i fell for the way you gave unexpected hugs

i completely fell for you
i fell for the way you pressed me to you as i cried
i fell for the way you ruffled my hair and flicked my forehead

but then as before time flickered by
you started to smile less or, at least not at me
you started to turn away when i waved
and i felt more alone than i had ever felt even before i met you

still i stayed in love with you
i stayed in love with your haunting lies
i stayed in love with your empty promises

but i knew that it was going to end
i knew that it wouldn't be long now
so i kept the curtains open waiting for your pebbles
i waited for the clattering of gravel on glass that never happened again

i remember the day you held my hand
your fingers felt cold and your arms were shaking
i felt as though i would crumble but i had to keep us both standing
your eyes lifted up to meet mine but i had looked away

your smile was wavering and your voice too soft
you ran your fingers down my arms and i pushed them away
i knew you had decided i wasn't the one and my heart was breaking
but i'm not about to beg because i thought i was too strong for that

i was naive
i was closing up on the world and everything else
i was closing up on myself
and i was closing up on you

your lips formed the words "i'm sorry" but i don't think i heard
you tried to hug me better but i stepped away
i suppose i was a total wreck but i was so afraid
i was afraid of how much i'd come to rely on you
i was afraid because i could no longer stand the loneliness from before

so i told myself i would get over you
that i would get over the way you dragged my name on your tongue
that i would get over the way you made me tea every day

i told myself i would get over you
that i would get over the rapidly draining fullness in my chest
that i would get over every thought of happy ever afters

so i turned around and took your hand (i think i even shook it)
i tried my best to smile but you probably didn't believe it was sincere
i thanked you
for every flower you ever put in my hair
for every tear you ever brushed away
for every kiss you ever gave me
for every time you tried so hard to make me feel not alone
for every comforting word you ever whispered to me
for every pebble you ever tossed at my window

i thanked you for giving me the best time of my life
i told you that i understand how all good things come to an end
i hoped so desperately that you wouldn't see through me
we both had tears in our eyes when we stepped towards the door and
as i returned you your sweater and closed the door

i knew, just as you knew, that we'll never see each other again

- - -