i will scream my regrets away from your direction.
my throat will bleed raw.
it will be the most beautiful sound to come from my mouth
the oxygen will sear my skin.
the carbon will callous my tears
until they are cold and dark. coal.

he will offer me gold, and i will throw it to the sea
i could not taint him, my chlorine kisses would do him no good
instead he will offer me chlorine, and i will cover my mouth in detest
i could not change him, my mercury madness would consume him whole
then he will offer me mercury, and i will bite my lip till crimson paints my chin
i could not stand for him, my lithium legs would break

mixed madness is mine.
a harlot of the elements; i am their slave

This, I should have shared with you
Except, I never did
You always begged me just to talk
But, I only kept it hid

Now it's digging way down deep
It's ******* with my heart
I would have tried to tell you
I had no clue how to start

I miss your ripe, green eyes
Staring back at me
The warmth of your smile
That had always set me free

The hand that interlocked
Fit perfectly with mine
Everything that made us strog
Let two hearts intertwine

It has all vanished
All feeling shattered
If i begged you to stay
It wouldn't have mattered

I finally accept the failure I am
While the tears escaped and fled
I reminisce these memories
Rewinding in my head

I can't believe I want this back
After everything we've been through
But before I lay down to sleep
I pray and dream of only you

Every morning I awake
Is yet another dissapointment
I only want to embrace those hugs
That made me realize life's extent

I never even told you
Or explained my jealousy
I never tried to let you know
I miss you and me

i sit here and i wonder what it is about you that draws me in
the world looks at you as a failure
one who couldnt survive against the odds
but the only answer i have been able to come up with for the burning passion i have for you is that its simply an obsession
a dark obsession that i cant seem to let go of but yet is hard for me to completely hold on to

I try my best to let go of you and let you live life how you choose
but the thought of living life more like existing without you is a nightmare
One i choose not to meet for as long as i can fight it
But soon time will be no longer present
And i will have to say goodbye
The last goodbye
the one i fear the most

I have always hoped this day would never come
But i know that it surely will
And as you will go on living not a tear to shed
I will be left broken and unwhole drowning in my tears and running from my fears
But the difference now will be that i will no longer have you to run to for comfort and some peace of mind
Just existing living off of instinct and hoping tomorrow will never come

The letters fall and make words

The words bend in order to meet my thoughts

My thoughts take a shape that is pleasing to me

I form in a way that the world will see me as normal

Normal adapts to the time in which we live

The letters tell the time

Quiet heart
Gray day
Rain falls outside
And the memory
Of the rains
That came on so fast
And lasted so long
Returns

And yet
Peace
So long elusive
Has been returned to me
And I, blessed with solitude
Examine these memories
Of the rain
With my magnifying glass
To find
The rain does not mean anger anymore

There was a past
There will be a future
And both have had – will have – their hurts
There are scars
Real and imaginary
But they paint the picture of the whole
They are my reality
And reality, scraped and bruised as it may be
Is greater than fantasy

The remembrance of old dreams
In moments like these
Once a burden too intense to bear
Now becomes a comfort
Like a cup of coffee
Or an old friend
A favorite sweater
The knowledge that the person I have been
Somehow – is still
The person that I am.
That, despite it all, I have never stopped being
This person, real and flawed and whole.

And to say that there was never pain
Or love – returned and unrequited
Unspoken –
To say that there was never heartbreak
Or longing
Or a moment when I would have given anything
To lead an easier life
Would be a lie

Humanity – I have it.
Life – I’ve lived it.
And there’s still always more to come, but
Perspective
Is something I’ve been needing for so long
And have finally found.

So I sit here
Alone with the memories of the rains
And I listen to the voice of a younger pain
But I don’t return entirely
I never will return again, entirely
To that place where I have been.
Love has been.
Love will someday be.
But the peace comes from knowing
That love is – that love exists
Ephemerally, unknowingly, unwittingly, unconditionally
Now.