im not your perfect ***** <3

im not interested.
sorry man.

owo

you dont like me. i know

i couldnt even cry if i wanted to

you said you hate my music

have you even listened to the lyrics?

im trying to tell you how i feel and




you dont want to hear it

depression
anxiety
PTSD
stockholm syndrome
insomnia
anorexia
bulimia
paranoia
bipolar disorder
schizophrenia?

just please shut the **** up.

you're so ******* annoying

you call me names

you give me bruises


isnt that illegal?

you *****

i ******* care about you

you dont care about me

i love you

you dont love me anymore

you hurt me

you break me

you make me feel bad

you're one of the reasons that knife cut my skin


and i love you and would take a bullet for you

help me
he’s gonna ******* **** me because he had to share a drink with me

he’s making fun of me

i’m

i’m gonna ******* **** myself soon

i ******* loved you.
i really did.
i had this amazing feeling whenever i spoke with you.
we never met.
we spoke as online friends.
you said you loved me.
i believed you,
then
you left me
you ******* left me.
we don’t talk as much anymore.

we don’t talk.

you stopped replying to me.

and unfortunately a part of me still loves you.

“i’ll beat you until you get above average”

i thought i could trust you.
you said i could trust you,


and i did.

then you told her.
YOU TOLD HER.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE.

and.
you ******* told her.

n o w

everyone knows.
thanks to you.

:)

what makes you think that she’ll love me after i’ve made her do??

i was 2 years late.


I KNEW I LOVED HER AND I NEVER TOLD HER.




and now.

i’m crying over the girl who makes me the happiest.

i’ve been slowly killing myself for two years and no one has stopped me.


n o
o n e

i slam my head against walls, doors, anything that’s hard hoping for my brain to collect too much pressure so i can D I E

i really dont know why,
ive suddenly gotten 21 notifications,
telling me that people enjoy my poems.
you guys are so
so
so
supportive.
thank you.

nothing could make this
small
13yo
trans girl,
feel
so
accomplished

thank you.

thank you so much.

i couldnt even explain it in words.

just.


thank you

when i “hit” him,
you say,
“if you touch him again i’ll ******* hurt you”

when he HITS me,
giving me bruises,
giving me cuts,
making me cry,
you.

you
do
not
do
anything.

my opinion doesnt matter.

no matter what i do

i
dont
have
a
say
in
this.

thank you for making me feel

absolutely

useless

I love you, right?
heart, i love them, right..?
you would let me love, right??
please.
tell me what love feels like.
show me what love feels like.
i love him, right?
i love her, right?

it just doesnt feel right.

it just doesnt feel like love.

i’m a bit broken right now, not gonna lie.
i can’t sleep and- 6/24/2019 12:19am

i must’ve given up. thrown the phone across the room.

i make everything for them just to get nothing

Dear Tabatha,

I hope things get better for you.
Tabatha.
Tabby.
Tyler James.
Thank you for being in my life.
Thank you for everything, love.

you don’t love me.
you lied to me.
why did you do that?
why did you play with my feelings?!
is it because i’m different?!
is it because i’m me?
i know.
it’s disgusting.
a trans freak loves you

what does it feel like to be home?

why don’t i do you a favour?
i’ll ******* **** myself for you,
now wouldn’t that be easier?
you don’t have to yell at a ******* like me anymore :)

you expect too much.
he doesn’t wanna do anything
you expect me to do something

i’m sorry that i’m not ******* good enough for you.
i’m sorry that i don’t want them to touch my ******* things.
i’m sorry for having boundaries????

it's okay to be aro.

love your friends.

love your family.


because we don't feel anything more than that.




im sorry.

in 4th grade i was sure that i wouldn't survive 'til middle school. i was sure that i'd **** myself before i even stepped foot into my new school.
today was my last day of my first year of middle school, the day i never thought i'd reach.
in the beginning of the year i wrote a letter to myself, telling future me to not **** themselves. to not blame themselves for everything.
now i have to see if i'll stay alive 'til i graduate middle school, til i graduate high school, til i graduate college and have a life of my own.
i.. dont wanna do this..
i dont want to. i really dont want to. i just want to end it all, all the pain, all the stress, everything. but i have to do this for everyone else
i wanna live for everyone else
to tell their stories if they can't tell it themselves.
this is what they need anyway. its for them.

If mustangs are gay,
I’m a mustang.

You say you like flowers,
but you pick them.

  You say you like animals,
but you eat them.

  You say you like me,
now I’m scared.

Thou shall not of thee thy.

i can’t do anything correctly.
“stop cutting”
“promise me that you won’t cut”
i hear you, father, every time
that knife glides across my skin.
every time that knife digs in.
every time that knife pours out my feelings.
couldn’t i just disappear?
you wouldn’t be so stressed.
less money spent.
more fun.
no girls in the house.
guys night out.

it’s for you.

we had just watched a bullet pass though and **** a soldier.
my friend is saying “i can’t do this”
while laughing because she can’t handle it.
we joke around but it’s nothing.


it’s nothing

i’m in school right now.
i’m in history class.

please let me know what content you would like to read on here.

i don’t know what to do.

what does it feel like to love?
do i love him?
or do i love her?
i don’t know.

i heard he likes me;
but what does that mean?
does he enjoy my presence?
am i fun around him?
do i make him happy?

he used to like my best friend though,
we joke around, saying
“oh he has a thing for orchestra girls”

unfortunately, i can’t say i like him back;
but i also can’t say that i don’t like him.
because i simply do not feel such a thing.

i heard that if you want to spend time with a certain person,
for the rest of your life, you love them.
if i want to spend the rest of my life with one person,
to do amazing things like,
travel the world,
overcome all our fears,
and so on,

it would be nobody.

i just cried for 15 minutes
i don’t feel anything but pain
it hurts so much
i just wanna ******* end it
i just wanna die

it’s been 30 minutes now
over the past 30 minutes
i’ve been thinking of ways to **** my self without making a noise

what is abuse

are my feelings a joke to you?
do my feelings matter?
they're stupid.
i don't need feelings.
feelings drag people down.
emotions are useless.
emotions take up too much time.

i'm scared.
i dont wanna play..
i dont wanna dance..
i dont wanna do it..
theres so many people..
theyre waiting for me..
i have to do my best, right..?
im not good at this
i cant do this
please no
please dont
leave me alone please.

your shirt,
decorated with
polka dots
and bananas,
it smells
like your house,
like your room,
thank you for letting me borrow it.
it's adorable
it's cute
it's wonderful


i love you

i feel like i'm going to rip out all my hair
i feel like i'm going to cave in my skull
i feel like i'm going to have a 3 hour panic attack
i feel like i'm going to punch my chest til my heart gets punctured.
i feel like i'm going to **** someone
i feel like i'm going to accidentally hurt you.


i feel like i'm going to die.

why can't they leave you alone?
they have other friends so why do they have to take you from me?

i.. i love you.. but, they.. take you away..

"oh hey ----!"

i'm right here..

"sorry -----'s sitting with me"

we did this together though...

"----- and ---- want to sit with me"

what about me..?

"we're low key married because of ---- and -----. like hamilton, y'know?"

c'mon... we started that joke together 2 years ago.. before you met her..

"so me and ---- were texting last night til 3am! it was so funny!"

you.. you never... text me...

"so 'papa france' -~~~~~~~_"

you.. don't call.. me... my .. nickname you gave me.. anymore..

"so babe~!"

she's the only one who can call me that...------

"hey 3v4"

what happened to my nicknames you used to call me...?

i was at school,
talking with my friends
during lunch break.
i asked if he wanted to
write a poem, so i could post it.
he agreed, ("Life is a Lie" was the name)
i read the poem, snickering,
i told him,
"this is the type of stuff that gets on trending"
he laughed,
and i offers my other friend
to write a poem (Why me)
i read it, also snickering.
i looked at the time,
rushing to put away my things and
posting the poems,
i guess you could say,
i'm the friend who sticks
out of the circle,
the friend who's the
odd one and
doesn't fit in.
yes, i have more friends,
but i'm not included,
i'm not like them.

someone told me that i was a
l o n e r

i'm sorry that i don't have many friends
i wish they cared
but there's always someone taking them away from me.

i wonder why i've done this
i've labeled my poem as the time and date.
is this weird?
i'm running out of ideas.

i'm assuming that
you guys don't wanna read
depressing ****
whenever you stumble onto this account.

my scars run
from my wrist
to my forearm.
you might ask yourself,
"what has made her done this
to   h e r s e l f  ?"
simple.
i
couldn't
take
it
anymore

no one stopped me when
i wanted to end it
no one stopped me when
that knife marked my skin
no one stopped me when
i cried and cried.

no

one

stopped

me

from

breaking.

now i am very broken
now i want to tell people my story
on how i snapped
i left the online world
all my online friends
had believed i had
killed myself.
i came back, and
they were worried
"are you okay?"
"what happened?"
"where were you?"

i
dont
know

4
people
that
i
personally
know

that i
have been
constantly breaking
and they are trying
to get me help.

now i am waiting for a therapist.
i am writing down my dates.

i have been cut free for 1 week.
i have cut 3 times since i was told to get a therapist
by the people who care.

february 23, 2019

april 24, 2019

may 13, 2019.

why are they called sunflowers?
why do they represent "happiness?"
is it because yellow represents

h a p p i n e s s ?

oh well,
ill grow sunflowers
so i can feel
less empty
inside this body.

whats your favourite flower..?

the hands of a violinist,
my hands,
are small
so they are able to
play wonderful tunes.
are gentle,
so the violin
isn't hurt.
are soft,
so they're stroking
the strings.
are powerful,
so they create music
with meanings that
no one else would know.

they differ between violinists,
but they are my hands,
they are my hands.
they help me,
stay safe,
hold things,
draw and paint,

but most importantly,

share a message
using words
and music.

of all things
why me
why is everyone
trusting me
So many people believe in me
but in doing that there is no hope
encouraging things
feel like 28 stab wounds

Life is a lie,
we will all die.
Society is a fiction,
we will all die.
Ambition is a curse,
we will all die.
Depression is a *****,
it should suffer.

are my poems boring?
are they monotone?
are you able to
imagine what’s happening
in your head?
they must be very boring,
i’m sorry.
they share no colors,
i’m sorry for gifting you
a dull world.  
if you can imagine the poem in your head,
i’ve done well, haven’t i?
they’ve become monotone, haven’t they?
i used to write happy
nature haikus.
now what?
they’re just useless feelings