nothing hurts more
than crying behind your door
with your heart so torn
that you think of what you have done wrong
you ask yourself why
and you let out a sigh
but all you can do
is cry
and cry
and cry

i remember the night i cried the most
it was yet another time you stood me up again
but i was far too tired to care

i remember i was lying in bed
trying to sleep

i remember scrolling my phone
our texts
our pictures
and our memories

and then i remember
seeing a photo of you with someone else

and my heart broke
my lungs felt like it was about to collapse
tears rolled down from my eyes
my vision was blurred
and i almost couldn't breathe

i remember crying so much
i remember telling myself to forget you
i remember deleting your number
i remember deleting everything
i remember trying to sleep

it's been seven months
and i still remember everything
no matter how hard i try to forget

it was a sunday night
when i missed you most
everything came rushing into my mind
all the feelings you had left behind
came back

so i took out my phone
and typed so many words
and then erased them
and then i typed so little words
and then erased them
my hands were shaking
and i cried so much
my screen showed your number
the number i was meant to delete
and i wanted to press "call" so badly
but i couldn't bring myself to it

that night
i cried till i fell asleep

and the next morning
with swollen eyes
i got out of bed
and deleted your number
even though i knew it would be rewritten in the night
for i can never forget you
for i can never forget us

everything was going so well
but my life just had to
fall
apart
again

we run from rain but we sit in bathtubs
we're afraid of commitment but we get tattoos
we sit under stars but we run from asteroids
we're afraid of love but we still fall harder
we constantly worry about the lack of sleep but we drink coffee
we tell people we hate them when all we mean is that we love them most
we drink to forget when in fact we remember more
and
we tell ourselves to never go back but we always end up running back to the people we love
the people who don't love us anymore

you don't know
how much it
hurts
to wait for something
to wait for a reply
to wait for an answer
to wait for love
to wait for someone

to wait for someone
who would never wait for you

my head is spinning
the curtains are moving fast
the ventilation is stale
everyone is talking
but there is no sound
i lay my heart on my bed
i laugh
i cry
i rip out all the photos on my wall
but nothing i do
not even ***** or pills
can make me forget you