That feeling of fear that no nobody is ever gonna love me because I messed up stuff is killing me
My anxiety is killing me
I can't think, eat or sleep.
I hate the way I look
My mom blames herself
And I hate that even more
She is not to be blamed
She is not at fault, I am.

You never taught me how to ride a bicycle,
You never taught me to not lie,
You never showed me the right path,
You never looked into my eyes with love,
You never went out to get me my favorite ice cream,
You were never there when I needed you the most
Even though you were always there your love never was.
And I will always be mad at you,
And you will always be you

I wish I knew this is how it was gonna end.
I still remember when you said I was too unpredictable
And I ignored it thinking you didn't mean it but deep down I knew exactly how you meant it.
I did all those things so that I could keep you.  
But nothing was enough for you, or was it me who wasn't enough for you ?
The more I tried to bring you closer to me the farther you went away.
And you blamed me saying I push people away.

I still remember the day you looked me in my eyes and told me that you love me as if I was your everything , but it's very hard to remember the day or the moment you fell out of love with me.

I went for a walk yesterday,
for some reason I ended up at our spot.
I spent some time on the same bench we used to share our secrets, kiss, fight, listen to songs, sit silently.
I couldn't think of anything but our last date,
I remember everything we talked about that day,
what color clothes you were wearing,
how your hair looked, your smile,
The way you were looking at me,
the way we kissed,
the way you complimented me uncountable times,
the way we hugged,
the way we held hands, my cold hands warming up inside your cold hands until they sweat,
the way you told me you about your feelings towards me.
Something was missing that day though.
I didn't feel anything when we kissed. I kissed with my eyes open.
Was it love, that was missing ?
But I thought to myself, i loved him, how could love be missing then ?
But love was indeed missing, it couldn't be seen, i looked for it.
Trust me I did.
He did love someone but that someone wasn't me.
How is it possible that something so perfect to me was just a lie for him ?
I'm hurt, I'm bitter about us and i blame you.
I'm never going to trust anybody easily, I'm going to have shared time loving a new person and i blame you.
I blame you for the way you made me.
And i blame myself for letting you do that.

Please let's promise each other to not make the same mistakes again.
Let's be our true selves this time
Please tell me everything, even if you think it will hurt me.
Please tell me I can trust you this time blindly.
Because I really can't go through the same **** again, I am not that strong.

Maybe it's your nose,
or the shape of your eyes,
or the way you smile.

I so sweetly point out the things I hate about my body every day and night.
My mother bought me a pretty yellow floral dress yesterday, I said "nothing looks pretty on me", it made my mother so sad.
I was too busy finding things in my body that need changes.
The feeling when I look at myself in the mirror and wanting to scream is unexplainable and it hurts. It hurts my mother when I tell her I don't like the way I look. It hurt as much as it hurts to feel

And maybe if I tell myself enough, maybe I'll do get over you

I saw you almost after 1 year today.
The way you shaked hands with me,
I'm still wondering how you felt.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Only if I could read your mind
I'd know if you still love me too
because i looked into your eyes the same way I used to.

You can't hold a hand that already let go

I didn't push you away,
I actually wanted you to stay.
It was so easy for you to blame.

I cared,
But now I'm too scared.
Scared of love, commitment.

Okay but do we ever really stop loving them ?
Stop thinking about they way they made us feel ?
Stop thinking about them before going to sleep ?
Stop stalking their socials ?
Stop thinking if they miss us ?
Stop thinking about how it would have been if we never broke up ?
Is there a line somewhere ? Anywhere ?

I won't ask you to stay this time
I won't ask you be love me this time
because I need myself the most right now, not you.
I won't beg anymore,
I won't wait anymore
it was your last chance,
I will try to be happier now
because isn't that what I have been trying to do all along ? with or without you.

This time it's different
I told my besfriend.
He replied,
He doesn't talk about you, the way you do about him.

I thought it was supposed to be easy,
letting you go instead of holding onto you.

The way we held hands yesterday was beautiful.

I never understood you,
I really tried to
And I kept blaming myself for it.

And now I see you with her,
Your eyes light up when you talk about her.
You don't wanna be anywhere else when you're with her.
You finish each other's sentences
She's like that perfect song you never want to skip.

Maybe you never let me understand you.
And maybe it was all for the best.