It rained a lot today
I used to love Monday's because that’s when I’d get to see you
And I saw your car in the school parking lot today and all of a sudden I couldn’t catch my breath all over again
Even though I thought getting through my day meant not thinking of you
When that happened I thought I was seeing things
And I asked him why I had to see that
I asked him why he took you away
But no one answered
As usual
The first thing I did when I saw my friend was cry
And it sure did rain a lot today
I cried in the car
I didn’t leave for half an hour
I just sat there
Staring at the rainy windshield
Sometimes wiping away raindrops
Just to get a glimpse
Of anything
Of everything
That reminds me of you
This morning on the radio I heard all the songs you loved
And listening to them felt like being stabbed in the heart
And it really rained a lot today
But you probably don’t care about all the ways it rained today
(v.m)

I remember when you said you wanted to watch me watch ****** documentaries
And I remember thinking how beautiful it must have been to think that
You wanted to watch me love something
And that’s kinda how I  knew I was doomed
When you wanted to know the meanings behind my poems
And the pain
And when you held me in your arms when I yelled at you
That’s kinda when I knew I was doomed
When I heard other people could tell by the way I’d look at you that I cared about you
When my friends started telling me they’ve never seen me so in love
That’s when I knew I was doomed
Doomed because wow you sure have a talent
Doomed because I fell in love with you at that amusement park when you first told me about your dad
Doomed because I fell in love with you when you said this was different
Doomed because I fell in love with you when that song came on in the parking lot

And the way you looked at me that first time
Doomed because I fell in love with you all those nights you spent at my house
Doomed because I fell in love with you all those early mornings at 5 am
Doomed because I fell in love with you while we made pizza in my kitchen
Doomed because I fell in love with you when you made me laugh while I was crying
And holy **** did I fall in love with you

(v.m)

I never stay friends with any love
Because in my eyes
No one gets rent free space in my heart if they aren’t loving me anymore
You don’t get to tell me you love me and then leave when **** gets hard
Because that’s not fair
But I guess no ones man enough anymore
Even when I start to go insane wanting someone to love me
No one ever comes back
It’s always baskets of “it’s my time to work on me” and “it’s not you”
But **** all of you
Because that means it’s always is me
You don’t get to tell me how to feel
You only get to do that if you come back
I can’t have space in my head be given to people who don’t want me
But I do it anyway
Because one day someone will come back
Even if it kills me


(v.m)

I still have my old calendar up on the wall
I know it sounds dumb
But I can’t take it down
Just like I can’t bring myself to burn anything
That’s what I did with other lovers stuff
But for some reason
I can’t burn or rip and throw anything in the garbage
Because I respect you too much to do that
It’s just that December was the last time you looked at me like that
And December was the last time you told me you loved me
And I won’t throw away the book you found for me
Because no one has ever cared that much
So if you wanna know if I’ll be okay
I don’t know
I don’t know this time
But I need to give your Christmas gifts so they can’t remind me you aren’t around anymore
And I think my family knows your gone
Because I’ve avoided all questions involving you
And I’ll have to lie in order to leave the house now
Because staying in my room too long just reminds me of how many nights you spent laying in my bed with me

I have a new calendar up on the wall
Right beside the old one
If you get into Oregon then I hope you’ll be okay on your own
I hope being selfish was one hell of a lesson to learn
I hope essays and words remind you of me
I hope stories and books and selfless people give you nightmares
And I hope when you reread the story I wrote it takes you back to what being loved felt like

(v.m)

Tomorrow is my first day without you
And I know I’ll feel like I can’t breath again
I know your laugh will echo as I walk down the hall
I’ll get there early even though I don’t have to be there until noon
I’ll be early anyway
and I might sit in my car and cry
I might go sit in one of our spots and think
But that probably doesn’t mean much to you
You got what you wanted
You wanted to be alone
You wanted to focus on you
But sometimes I still hope memories ******* up for the rest of your life
I still believe in your dreams but **** I hope one day you’ll see giving up is never the right option
Because if you can so easily give up on people
Then what else is next
And tomorrow will be my first day without you
I’m talking to people who stopped loving me like you did again, they still don’t care, just like you
I dyed my hair pink
Because I’m in pain
There’s slashes in places no one can see again
I have anxiety attacks almost every night now
But that’s all okay
Because you got what you wanted
And it’ll be a month by the end of this week
And tomorrow will be my first day without you

(v.m)

******* does loving someone ******* up
On the inside, on the outside
Everyday of the week and twice on Sundays
It’s always the same
High heights
Followed by low blows
The kind of pain no one ever prepares you for
And it always feels like a funeral
And ******* does loving someone ******* up
Everyday of the week
It becomes your comfort
And it becomes your safety
And it becomes pain
And band aids on spiderweb striken thighs
It becomes the type of pain no one ever sees
Unless they’re brave enough to look beneath the surface
But my god does it feel like home
My god does it feel like falling in light
And ******* loving someone will ******* up for good.

(v.m)

You said it wasn’t my fault
But if it really wasn’t you wouldn’t be walking away
You’d still be here
You’d still be here if you cared
Half as much as I do
You’d still be here if you saw sunshine
So I know it was my fault
Because they say when someone really gives a ****, when someone really really gives a ****
They say hell or high water
They compromise
They push through
They’re stronger than they look
And they stick it out
But I guess that’s all my fault too
I guess that just did not exist
Even though I hoped you would be
I pray to god by my thirties some lost love will want to compromise
Because I always mean what I say
Because to be strong means fighting
Everyone has their own problems and mine is that I love too much
And I’m ******* sorry for that
I know my anxiety gets bad but that’s no ones fault
But for once in my life I wish I had a love who wouldn’t blame my anxiety on them
For once in my life I want a love that stays and pushes through
And sees a white picket fence with just me
I can only hope it will be a lost love
Because hope keeps me alive
Sure hurting myself is no better
But I always like things that are never any good in proving me wrong

(v.m)E