As we sat and inhaled the past and the memories radiated through our veins, I asked you as we sat high and dry if you cared to know why I never gave myself to the boy of glass and you said sure and in that minute or two it took me to pluck up the courage to tell you why, I thought about the wind beneath us under that tunnel as we watched ***** river banks and I said "I didn't give myself to him because he wasn't you, because I didn't love him like I love you, that how much I'd rather give myself to you was what saved me from making a choice I would have regretted deeply, for ever since I first met you I knew--I looked at you and I knew.. Look at that boy I'm going to love him forever, I'm going to give him all of me--even if it kills me--I'm going to give him my broken pieces and make the seconds I spend inside his head count--I'm going to haunt his head until he becomes drunk off the way my body arches back or the way my toes crinkle or even just way I happen to nibble on his lip. I didn't give myself to him because he was a boy of stone cold cement but you are a boy of beautiful stardust I would gladly waste a million wishes on, however with all the battles we have been through you've actually been a blessing, the small piece of sky that just so happens to make feel alive. I cannot thank you enough for existing and bringing me back from the dead, I didn't give myself to him because he was not worth my simple innocence and my million dollar heart, for the fire beneath my skin has been burning only for you, for about 5 years..
I didn't give myself to him because he was not beautiful, he was never one for standing with me through tough waters, he thought cruel words that brought down my worth was the way to go, however he was not you. You've never raised your voice at me or even attempted to belittle me with cursed words because unlike him, I know that I too set off a storm beneath your ribcage making your heart numb to the idea of leaving a love like this behind, because you and I both know that we simply couldn't do it, not now, not ever...
so if you must know I didn't give myself to him because he destroyed me from the start and you've spent years saving me, you could have given up and walked out a long time ago --but you didn't and I thank you for at least that even if we can only be together in my head, maybe in 10 years time when we waste another countless night inhaling our past we can try again--but until then I would like you to know the reason why I never gave myself to him and it is because
he-- was not you."

*vm

Everytime I tell a boy just how much he means to me, he replies with "You can't help how you feel" or something along those lines and those six words alone bring a tear to my eye because yes I can't help how I feel. The moon doesn't apologize for falling at daybreak, and rain doesn't apologize for ripping at your winter coat, so really why should I apologize for loving you?

Maybe you were no good from the beginning but I do know that I can't help shaking at the thought of your skin colliding with mine, the touch of your fingers could send chills down my spine and make me breath smoky fog for about a year after winter. I can't help falling in like with the way you half smile when you look at the sky or the way you inhale smoke and release it from your lungs like a pro at blowing autumn leaves even though you aren't a master at escaping.  I can't help clawing at your backbone for hours on end hoping that somewhere within the hour I'll be able to feel your spinal cord in the midst of our encounter, and bring you back from the dead. I can't help loosing control of my tongue the minute you feed me lies, although you could burn beautiful words in the back of my throat, I promise I won't scream. I can't help wanting to unravel your secrets and read you books at 1 am and talk about the rest of our lives for hours on end, although owning an apartment in New York overlooking the rest of the world sounds quite appealing, don't you think? We could sit at the window and drink coffee in silence, I promise not to bombared you with words for to long. I can't help mistaking those summer nights for learning of your darker days, because you hid neatly behind your two glass spectacles and didn't dare show me what lied beneath your brown pupils. I can't help that an evening in your car will only drive me insane, because who knows where our nostalgia will take us as we drive down memory lane, maybe our honesty will get the better of us and our love will come flooding back into our bones before our soberity has a chance to say no.  I can't help seeing a light in your eyes if you walk me home in the dark, because I just might go blind if I allow you inside my burning building, I might become ash before you have a chance to pull me out alive.
There is a lot of truth in what you said because yes-- I guess I just couldn't help falling in love with you,
So yes-- I guess I really can't "help how I feel" after all.

*vm

If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive, I hope you know at least that and even though you chose ashes over my last lit cigarette I will stand by you fearlessly. Someday when you get married and you remember me enough to send me an invitation when the priest calmly asks "Speak now or forever hold your peace" I will rise, look you dead in the eye and begin to cry, I'll walk over to the middle of the aisle and place a letter down on the floor  labeled with your name inside of it, it will say "I'm sorry that I love you, I'm sorry for having been a burden and wanting to share Friday evenings alone in your car, I'm sorry I'm more complicated than you signed up for, you may be happier but I wonder how it makes you feel knowing you're the reason I am alive, You're the boy who saw me when I was invisible and called me beautiful after the end of our better three months and I will never not think of you and smile, You will always be the first boy I ever loved even if the feeling is not mutual....I hope the sound of my name makes you light up from time to time, I hope you flashback to our first night and our last, I hope you remember looking at the moon and thinking of me, I hope you remember those moments we had in the grass, we were so young then. I hope you know I will always love you...."

*vm

I walked past your house today for the first time in about a month for the first time since the scars stopped bleeding and that was two months ago and honestly the only feeling that flowed through me in the seconds when you flashed into my head i felt nothing but disgust  nothing but anger when i see you in person i don't bare you a glance at all anymore, you weren't worth it, you never were, however when our eyes do happen to meet i hope you know how sorry I feel for you because you are a heartless waste of stardust and i hope it ******* haunts you forever that you're the reason behind the scars on someone else's body and i hope knowing that--and just that-- kills you inside and tears you to shreds

*vm

as I listened to the song that made me think of you weeks ago. I found the reason I couldn't seem to bare another breath when you decided I wasn't as important and I thought about that first day, where I laid on your chest and thought I could hear your heartbeat, it was nothing but shallow footsteps amongst the gravel that resides to the right of the grass beating down on the forgotten souls of all those broken hearts before us, who happened to have laid in that very same spot
and as I rested my head amongst clouds and my nail circulated amongst weary pillow tops. It reminded me of something it felt like something. something so familiar and then I discovered it felt like your fingers tracing shapes amongst my spine as I lay atop oceans of you oh so vulnerable and oh so still, letting you in through the cracks they left open but you didn't always kindly ask permission, because every now and then you didn't roll your fingers across like flower petals,
you rolled daggers and inch or so deep into me, and you know what?
I came out half alive, so I guess all I can say in the end is thanks to the boy  who made me feel so alive again...

*vm

You can have that boy
really you can
I don't want him but not because of reasons you think
you can have that boy because if he won't have deep talks with you at 1 am then I don't want him
if he doesn't like books and his favorite parts don't happen to end in cliff hangers and beautiful begininngs then I don't want him
If he isn't very smart and his bestfriend is a pig I don't want him
if he chooses looks over intellect and the feel of your skin as apose to what's underneath it and if he doesn't try to dig deeper into your soul through unlocked doors then I don't want him
if he pretentious and thinks he's all that and more and presumes he can throw your heart around like a deck of cards, then I don't want him
if he plays your heart strings like his favorite instrument and then puts it away when he gets tired then I don't want him
if he chooses false friendships over your love and says he "simply doesn't have the time" to save you
Then I don't want him
Quite frankly I don't want a boy
who is built out of stone cold silver and rotting piles of dirt
I don't want a boy who isn't clever and doesn't let his nostalgia over take him from time to time...
so you can have that boy

*vm

I'm completely okay with falling in love at 20 something
Really I am because falling into a love that is as beautiful and as deep as I long for is not one for fools it's not one for anyone who isn't a believer of battles, who isn't a carrier of the willful belief that "only the strong survive"
Quite frankly I believe although survival itself is human instinct it also is one for people of pain because if you hadn't known of heart break how'd you ever make it out alive in the first place? If you hadn't  learned about paper cuts and small stings how'd you ever know a sticky piece of paper was all you need to mend one wound? If you ask me that sounds a bit like fighting fire with fire
But maybe that's okay
Maybe it's okay to have your heart broken when you're young so maybe you won't be so naive to shallow waters the next time you come across them
And maybe it's okay to let someone claw their way through your soul --
Just make sure the lights not to dim
Make sure you know when to set the table for two
But make sure you know when dinner with your thoughts is okay too
I've realized this now all this time later
You can't mold someone into your idea of the perfect storybook lover but you can love them for all that they are when it's your turn
And I'm completely okay with falling in love at 20 something

*(v.m)