let me say that i love you. and let me say it not as a means to put a leash around your neck but in attempt for closure as i toss you into the air, hoping that where ever to which you choose to fly, you will eventually return back to me. i love you as a promise, that not a day goes by that i do not think about you. that i choose life today because that means im only closer to seeing your face once again.
let me say that i love you out of appreciation. i was stuck in a dark cave, my pleas for help were just echoes ringing around down into the abyss. but you heard me because you right there with me.
let me say that i love you for being there, my 17th birthday. for being the one that got involved. you were the first one brave enough to. and you didn't even know me. you didn't own me anything. but you took those pills and the razor blade from my hand. you told me that i deserved to live and i cried because for the first time, i believed it.
let me say that i love you for the dimples in your smile. the light blue waters of your eyes. the softness of your hair and the way you hold me in the night.

let me love you.

"I hate you."
That phrase hung there in the bone chilling air.
To me, the weight had lifted.
Or more like I finally heaved the overbearing
luggage, twisting my spine
or finally decided the horse was, in fact, dead.
But I saw the effect in his eyes.
And I feel disgusting for saying that I felt
the light fingertips of happiness for the first time in a while.
To finally awake the slightest remnant of emotion out of him.

"You don't mean that"
It played more as a plea than a statement.

"I do," I laughed.
I laughed out of relief.
Out of embarrassment of allowing abuse in my life
once again. But this time it was not with the strike
of the hand, but of the sharp blades of words
and the blunt impact of neglect.
He then asked, "Then why are you here?"

Laughing through tears,
"Because I have no one else; I'm stuck with you.
I not only destroyed myself but every other
relationship I had with people just so
I could hold your attention.
But I'm not your child and I shouldn't have to beg
when sixteen months ago, you couldn't keep your eyes off me.
But that's not the worst part.
The worst part is that I only want you.
No one else.
And you destroyed any chances of me trusting you."