v V v

v V v Feb 2013

My Forte

My forte has never been          chemistry
especially              in matters of the brain
that delicate science                 eludes me
but give me a knife          and I’m a pro
a      butcher      in      a     cesspool       of
a        drowning         stagnant            me
where   the   water   under   my bridge
does               not             flow            out
but backs up tighter than
                            a meat packer’s drain
overflowing with            ****** blobs of
broken promises  and good intentions

published at The Mind(less) Muse, March 2013

v V v Feb 2013

4:44 am

Everything I need is right here,
a foot away and still
I’m nostalgic for what I’ve already got.

I keep searching for you, I don't know,
gravestones, sunsets, lyrical genius,
death by overdose, that painful beauty
I could not obtain for so many years
behind shut doors and far across
parquet floors is now open,
open but blowing shut,
my mind is blind,
I smell burning hair
the smell is burning hot
while my tears wash away
whats left for me to see

….you're right ******* here
and still I'm looking...........

you used to be so bright
why did you fade?
you didn’t
its me behind another hill
another escape down a pathway
from brightness under cover,
under feather, under weather.

so much reminds me of you
I feel your absence as if
I've lost you yet

your right here,
you’re lying right here

why do I do this?

Are you here
or am I dreaming of you?

It’s the wish for you that moves me
the search for you, the hunt for love

are you still as bright or
have I burned you out......?

love me save me just don’t leave me
let me figure this all out.

its 4:44 am and the little boy ghost
and the angel are here,
I hear them talking and preparing
for some kind of spiritual intervention
I swear they’re here to take me away but
please don’t let them
please don't let them

I know I make it hard for you to save me

I expect you to read my mind and then
turn around and decipher it for me

its no wonder I occasionally feel lost

v V v Jan 2013

I Spent the Day Alone

when it was over
I was lost........ again
inbetween right and wrong
sanity       senility
day       and      night

here you are

finally

but where am I?
somewhere between me
and what others want from me
I've proven to be capable of stupidity
and ignorant enough to tease
irreversible territory

don’t take me to where this started

          Through the window I see her rubbing his back in the
          flickering light of late night TV . Something is wrong.
          It isn't quite right, he's only 17.  she swears
          it isn't what it seems

my eyes are closed and yet I see with
a heightened sense of taste, the bitterness of
that hot September night across the screen of my mind

I taste it again

I taste it again

I taste it

I taste

and you lose

on another screen
I'm standing on a railroad track
a train approaches
I move to the left
a parallel track
a parallel train
I move again
another track
another train
It starts to rain

and my world closes in
like a zipper of cold teeth

closing off escape

closing off escape

closing off

closing

lost

v V v Dec 2012

Shadows ,Guilt, Kindness and Tears

A shadow on the upper right lobe,
its probably nothing*

Its close to Christmas,
I think about our first
and how purple it was,
sunflower medallions
and George Winston.
I grew my hair long
and wore camouflage.

We ought to run a few more tests

My guilt was more than
I could carry back then,
gallons in half gallon buckets,
blood splashing onto
white carpet.

We'll get a little more blood on
Tuesday

The waiting game was nearly terminal,
the kids and I exchanged gifts in the Sears
parking lot. When I got home you held me.

We need to talk in my office for a minute

I cried about the choices they made.
You were never unkind. The rosaries I
made were hung on our bedposts,
they hang there still.

The shadow on your lung is a tumor

Its been five years. They're adults now
and old enough to hear about death.

I'll schedule a biopsy for after Christmas

I don't think I'll tell them.
I don't think I'll tell you either..

maybe just once we'll have a peaceful holiday.

disclaimer: this is for the most part fiction.

v V v Oct 2012

I Told You

to beware of what you spend for love

a woman’s devotion should never cost more
than what your sanity is willing to pay

But you wouldn’t listen
or couldn’t listen

either way you're now a slave
a victim of your purple head’s desires

Ironic since the passions dead and gone
replaced by numbing hatred ten feet tall

If only when your primal urges swelled
you would have satisfied yourself

and spent your time attending nobler things
the arts, your education, -anything productive

then maybe what you spent would not be gone
and maybe who you are would still be you

but how could I expect you to not
make the same mistakes that i made?

I wish I could have spared you this hell

Dad

v V v Sep 2012

Come Daylight More Darkness

Say nothing about the night or
quicker steps down the hall,
******* excuses and sounds
blamed on cats. Less like me
day after day....fear melting
me, consuming me, life
snuffed out come daylight
more darkness

v V v Aug 2012

The Weight of Words

There i s
beau tiful
trans-par-
e ncy    in
o u r   un-
s  po ke n
w o r d  s,
no embellished perfection, rather simple contented silence, a deriv-
ative  of  unhappy  places  where spoken words were  once  severing
w e a p o n s,
  a n d a n y
  h o p e  o f
recon- cili-
a t i o n a
a  c r u c i-
f i x  beam
stret- ched
a   c r o s s
our  backs,
the weight
o f  w h a t
n e a r l y
killed us.

Recently published at The Mind(less) Muse, March 2013