for the first time in
a season
i feel as if i can
feel alright
i am hopefully
more content
than in the past winter

we never talked
we never...
I knew stories
I knew...
I loved you
I loved...
I miss your voice
I miss...
the person I knew as you would never hold up in court
its been a year since you left this world
I know more than I knew when you walked with us on this dreadful earth
we never walked
we never...
Did I know you?
I knew...
I loved the way you talked
I loved...
I miss your presence
I miss you
I miss...

submissive
scared
shocked
shaken
cold
alone
misunderstood
overlooked
hopeful
loved?
warm
safe
sturdy
solid
stable
heard
seen
loved.

sway, step on mars
play, among the stars
she stood, fray
gay, they dance
only moving, leaves
crushed under happy feet
and so the prose ends

a thought happens 72 thousand times a day
right before you close your eyes
the one thing on your mind
oh to be one n 72 thousand

Love
Love hurts
Love harms
Love excites
Love makes my header pound
Love makes my heart break
Love makes me real happy
Love makes me real sad
Love comes in many forms
Friendship
Motherly
Fatherly
Between siblings
Between celebrities and fans
Between a girl and a boy
Between a girl and a girl
Between a boy and a boy
Between a person and their bed
A food
Love is great
Be careful with love
It’s dangerously fantastic

do you remember
when i started my job back up
and the happiest time
back in march
we were confused and relieved and scared
we sat and watched greys anatomy
and smoked **** and laughed
you’d pick me up after work and we’d sit for hours
no worries
not knowing that it was gonna last forever

when she left home
she wears skirts past the knee
button-ups only if they have wooden buttons

she has these socks light blue the same shade as her eyes
look like pools at 7:00 pm

she parades around with an emerald stud at the top of her ear
just so you can only see it when you push her hair behind it

her music taste is that of a second-generation hippie with a millennial stepmom
could sit for hours if she had an iPod and a field

all she needs is the clouds and the stars to heed
it's like watching a flower grow and live through the weeds
planted wherever she thought had the nicest sunset

she was sleeping beauty
pricked her finger on a record player

i love you
coming of age is a natural occurrence
such as riding a bike
and heartbreak
and 4 am nights
learning how to brush your teeth everyday
road trips
no one ever tells you how to deal with the emptiness
we don’t talk about how hollow it is
like a beauty mark never fading
and indescribable pain never felt so numb
because nothing ever happened
i just fell off and crashed and burned and now there’s a hole
they don’t mean to hurt you
it’s just not the same anymore
i’m lost in the woods
finding my way, in the dark
birds are chirping in the distance
but everyday the nights get longer
and everyday the tears get drier
and the bags under my eyes look best when i’m awake
there’s only so many lyrics to sing
and there only so many nights like this
and there’s only so many things to stay for
i am empty and lost in the woods
and i love you no matter what happens

what do you tell yourself when you feel empty
you know the days
the dark cold numb days
the wide awake empty head nights
the monster inside growls for reason
i have no idea
what do you do on those days
how do you fix the feeling
how do you live when you feel dead
how do you satisfy a need you didn’t know you had
restless repetitive room
thoughts
i have no idea

so much, is only that you can do
so much, is how much you love me
so much, is how much we hang out
so much, is how you talk **** about people
so much, is how much we get high
so much, is how much this poem *****.
so much is all that I can handle right now

My heart flutters every time your name pops up on my phone
when it doesn’t all i want is to be thrown
off the cliff you put me so high up on
why can’t I be free from you

i can taste it
memory in my mouth
sound on my tongue
heaviness on my head
i’ve felt this for way too long

comfort yet scarce
i never wanted it
it just happened
i love thé way it bit

tequila and vitamin water
desperate times call
desperate measures answer

mascara soaked pillow
runny nose and a box of tissues
shattered heart
a look of confusion?
and pure hurt

amber shine
the sun wishes she gave the same high
marked me like a bloodstain
cold water wishes she could get it out

i can’t see straight right now
trying my hardest to live without lying too much
you know the drill

i wish to love
but there is a gut feeling
that this love
could get me into trouble
a gut feeling
that this love
will corner me
and force me
to love it back
this love
makes me tremble

but what i don’t love is when i tell people about it
it’s shallow
i want everyone to know about it
because there is so much to love in the world
but we lose ourselves on the parts that don’t
and it makes no sense to me why we spend what little time we have loving the things that hurt us
we are here to feel and love and experience and hate and do
we aren’t here to judge
or to tear down
so just love
when i’m not here to say it you need to be able to

swimming against the ocean
that doesn’t make sense we are landlocked

biking up a mountain in the wind
i hate biking

getting my license
because i forgot my ******* indicator

talking to you? about your feelings?
god forbid you actually open up to me

i can’t help anyone these days
swimming against a current
might as well
be the easiest
thing i do

i know the looks to give him from the corner of the room
i know what to say late at night that make his heart go
i know when to talk to him and when to wait
i know what songs to share
i know how to compliment his hair and his beautiful eyes
i know how to love him right
but
this thing about it is
love is an act of surrender to another person
i wanna surrender

page 1

i want a book romance
long
sweet
poetic

i want to be written about
to be described in detail

my hair told with every synonym you can find
my lips a memory you can put into words
barely
my eyes pouring onto a page so deadly staring at the words

our story told with passion and precision
each interaction a transcript to review and lavish in
to hold you and call it beautifully written
love like a story

i want a love to write about
i want a love so robust
it bring the arts out of your fingers

i’ve made it past another season
i’ve sailed another wave
i’ve seen and can confirm
the rainbow after the storm
i’ve consolidated my feelings
i’ve learned to understand
im still confused
but i’ll get there
in the end
in the end
worth it all

what i hate
is when you tell me
that you want to kiss me
and hug me
and cuddle me
right before i go to sleep
so i stay up for an extra hour because
my stomach did the little floppy thing
like i was on a roller coaster
or a trampoline
and my mind racing
as if i had nothing to lose
god.
i love you.

i wasn’t able to recall
what your kiss tasted like
until after you decided you didn’t want me
it taste like heartbreak
and peace
and fear
i wasn’t able to recall
the look on your face that day
until you never looked me in the eye again
it looks like joy
and smirky playfulness
and fun
i wish you knew
how you made me feel
and how i cry
every time i think of your kiss

first time
my first love
his first girl
my first real
his first try
please
can i do it right?