what i hate
is when you tell me
that you want to kiss me
and hug me
and cuddle me
right before i go to sleep
so i stay up for an extra hour because
my stomach did the little floppy thing
like i was on a roller coaster
or a trampoline
and my mind racing
as if i had nothing to lose
god.
i love you.

swimming against the ocean
that doesn’t make sense we are landlocked

biking up a mountain in the wind
i hate biking

getting my license
because i forgot my ******* indicator

talking to you? about your feelings?
god forbid you actually open up to me

i can’t help anyone these days
swimming against a current
might as well
be the easiest
thing i do

i know the looks to give him from the corner of the room
i know what to say late at night that make his heart go
i know when to talk to him and when to wait
i know what songs to share
i know how to compliment his hair and his beautiful eyes
i know how to love him right
but
this thing about it is
love is an act of surrender to another person
i wanna surrender

first time
my first love
his first girl
my first real
his first try
please
can i do it right?

i think of home whenever
i smell my shampoo
i soak in the sun
i see smoke
i am home

i don’t know what home is
home is familiarity
home is blanketed
home is safe
home is you

i feel as if
home is barefoot
home is short hair
home is bonfires
home is young
home is crushing
home is christian
home is swimming
home is family
home is smores
home is the nature club
home is loving to read
home is learning to ride a rip stick
home is painting with my neighbor
home is reading to laynie
home is warm
home is easter with everyone
home is memaw
home is october
home is cozy
home is Sebastian the cat
home is joy the cat
home is pe uniforms
home is 7th grade
home is running
home is coach lang
home is pickles for my history teacher
home is the river frio
home is camping
home is laughing
home is smiles
home is hide and go seek
home is confidence
home is childish blind love
home is not caring

home is home
home isn’t going anywhere
i would never return
home is smoke and smoke and mirrors

i’ve made it past another season
i’ve sailed another wave
i’ve seen and can confirm
the rainbow after the storm
i’ve consolidated my feelings
i’ve learned to understand
im still confused
but i’ll get there
in the end
in the end
worth it all

for the first time in
a season
i feel as if i can
feel alright
i am hopefully
more content
than in the past winter