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Unsafe Safe Mar 2014
One day my best friend sent me her poems,
And one poem hit far too close to home,
Heartbreak Girl.
In it she talked about a commercial,
A commercial where a man quits smoking,
And being separated from the addiction
Turns him into a mess.
She writes:
"It was on
Heartbreak Girl,
The days when I couldn't eat for missing her.
When every moment was made of fear
That I would see something that would tear me open and make me miss her
Make me re-realize that she was over
(And so was I.)
(The me I loved, whose ghost I still look at in the mirror behind me.)
(The me I never got to say goodbye to before she died.) "

These words, became a cautionary tale...

I know, in a matter of weeks, I will be the Heartbreak Girl.

I will be a mess.
I will not be easy to put back together.
My wounds will all be opened, stinging as I feel the wind blow against them.
And it's gonna hurt like hell.

But there will be a difference between me and the Heartbreak Girl:
I know it's coming.
I watch as the sand falls through the hour glass,
And with every grain of sand, my heart breaks a little bit more.
I try to keep it together.
I try not to look at the hourglass,
But there it sits, in plain sight.
Unavoidable.
It's coming, any day now.
And it will break.

But since I know it's coming,
I use the Heartbreak Girl's story to remind me
That at least I have a chance to say goodbye
To him
But more importantly to me
The me I was when I told him my dreams were coming true...
When I told him I was leaving...
And he picked me up, spun me around, and kissed me...
Because he was struck by a moment of genuine euphoria…
For me.
In that moment, I had everything I had ever wanted.
I was the me I always wanted to be.
I have a chance to say goodbye to her.
And I want to do it right.
That girl is everything I ever wanted to be.
And I'm terrified to leave her behind.
Because I really love her.
But I know it's only a matter of time until I have to.
And I'll be ****** if I don't give her a proper goodbye.
I worked too hard and too long not to give her the goodbye she deserves.

When it's time to say goodbye, I will go to that spot.
I will stand there,
And I will let her go,
She can't stay forever,
Because if she could, she wouldn't be such an enigma,
I would eventually take her for granted,
And I never want to do that.
Because she's perfect.
At least to me.

Once I let her go,
I will make way for the new girl,
Who I'm excited to meet,
And who I'm excited to become,
Even though, a part of her will be broken,
Eventually the wounds will somewhat heal.
Somewhat.
She will be amazing,
And most of what I've always wanted her to be,
Except for the missing piece of her heart...
Because when I say goodbye to the girl I am now,
I will also leave a piece of my heart in that spot.
And it will forever stay in that spot.
In a place that I know he will be.
In the place that he needs to be.
To become the man HE always wants to be,
And to the man I genuinely want him to become.
Even if it is without me: The Heartbreak Girl.
Who I will have to become in order for him to be who he wants to be.
It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
For him.

After the funeral, eventually I will have a reason to smile.
Because I have sacrificed so much.
So that we can become the people we always wanted.
Even if we don't have each other.
Even if I am
**The Heartbreak Girl.
Unsafe Safe Mar 2014
Here's the thing about being a secret,
The secret starts off being so ****,
Sneaking around,
Telling little white lies,
It's all so thrilling,
Secrets make life interesting,
Plus it makes hooking up that much hotter.

Inevitably that all changes eventually,
Eventually keeping the secret becomes a burden,
I want to confide in people about what we are,
I don't want to put in the effort to keep us a secret anymore,
And more than anything…
I want the world to know how happy I am with you.

When I tell you I want more, you apologize and say you don't want the obligation,
And I understand,
But at the same time… it feels like *******,
Because I realize I'm not just the kind of secret you keep for fun or to make life interesting,
No.
I'm the type of secret you keep because if it gets out…
You'll look bad.
A ***** Little Secret

Do you know how it feels to be your ***** Little Secret?
It hurts.
It feels like you're ashamed of me.
So why go on like this?
Why lie to everyone?
Why not have me and be honest?
Let the secret out, deal with the fall out.
Because being the one revealing the secret is far better than doing damage control when the secret gets out.

But of course, I say nothing.
I play along.
Try to keep it quiet.
Play by your rules,
In fear of loosing you if I don't,
And I continue to be your ***** Little Secret.
But remember this:
I may be your ***** Little Secret,
But you are my everything.
Written: December 10, 2012
Unsafe Safe Mar 2014
Can I be frank with you?
I have a lot that goes through my mind when we're not together,
Things that I'm going through,
Things that are bugging me about where we are,
Things that I just really want to day, but I don't know how.

I want to tell you that it's time to grow up and commit,
All these excuses you give me about not wanting to be tied down,
And not wanting a girlfriend in college,
That's *******.
We talk everyday,
You randomly text me with your thoughts,
And you tell me you think about me constantly.
That sounds like a girlfriend to me.
No, what you really mean about not wanting a relationship is that you don't want to tell people about us,
And you know what people I mean.

Eventually you need to grow up and be a man,
Tell people that you're with me and it's none of their business that we are together,
It's OUR relationship, not anyone else's.

I want to tell you that you can't trust your so-called "best friend" because she's manipulating you,
It's obvious to the entire world that she's obsessed with you,
Well, everyone except for you.
I've seen her try to sabotage your friendships with any other girls who get close to you,
She's even told me that she's tried to,
She wants you for herself and will go after anyone who she thinks may get in her way,
Even one of her so-called best friends,
Why do you think she and I aren't friends anymore?
She tried to manipulate me and I saw right through it,
So I removed the poison from my life,
I wish you would do the same,
I think you would be better off,
Of course, I can't tell you that,
Because if I did, I would sound like the crazy one.

I want to tell you these things,
And so much more,
And it's not that I feel I can't be honest with you,
It's just that every time we're together, these things no longer seem to matter,
They seem minuscule… unimportant,
And in the moment, I would rather just have you.
So I push my feelings aside,
And don't bring them up,
But I wonder…
Is that maturity?
Or is that just me being too afraid of loosing you to tell you the truth?
I wonder...
Written: December 10, 2012
Unsafe Safe Mar 2014
People don't see me,
Or if they do I don't notice,
Or maybe they do, but I don't car,
Actually it's more likely that they do and they don't care.
But you do.

The moment I first saw you, I felt my heart quicken,
I thought "Where have you been all my life?"
Your auburn hair fell in your face,
I had to look up to make eye contact,
And you had a contagious smile that just lightens up the room,
Infecting everyone within a certain radius,
Especially me.

Fast forward a few months,
And we become best friends.
I show you come of the parts of me that I don't show to anyone,
Tears slowly fall from my blue eyes as my pain shows through,
You respond by wrapping those arms around me,
Your shoulders are so broad and your arms are big and warm,
And it just feels like home,
I never want you to let go,
Because it's a scary world out there,
And I don't think I can handle it.

Then you smile at me,
And I can't help but smile back,
I smile like I mean it,
Because I do mean it,
I smile through the pain, swallowing it back in my throat,
You're there, and it's all that matters.

Then I just say it.
I tell you how I feel.
And I'm prepared to be shot down,
Why would I make myself so vulnerable to the person who protects me?
But at least I would know….
I would make it past this…
Correction:
We would make it past this…

And then you say you feel it too…
You feel it too…
You feel it too…
I keep repeating it in my head because it will just not sink in.
You feel it too.

About a month passes,
And we're separated by body, but not by soul,
We talk everyday,
And when we don't talk, I'm thinking about you,
I can't help it,
I'm just addicted to the way you make me feel,
And I know you feel the same way,
Miles away, but still in my heart.

And then people start to find us out.
They figure us out,
They say we're a bad thing.
To them, I'm a gateway to all of the things you're not supposed to do as a "Good Christian",
But why does that matter?
This Jewish girl is crazy about YOU,
Not the person I want you to be,
Or even the person I expect you to be.
Just you as you are.

But you listen to them.
You tell me you can't do this.
You walk out because you're too scared to take a stand.
You don't want to upset anyone, and you let me get hurt in the process.
With just a few words, we go from two shared hearts, to you having both of our hearts.
I become numb.
I can't feel anymore.
You walked out with my heart and you don't even know it…

The entire summer goes by,
We barely talk,
I wonder if you're ignoring me,
If you want to talk to me,
If you miss me,
If you just don't want to face me,
If you just don't want to face this.

I'm finally about to see you,
I'm ready to be angry with you for what you did,
To keep my guard up against the one who hurt me,
And I definitely want to make you regret it.

But then I see you,
Time just stops as you smile at me,
And I can't help but smile right on back,
And within seconds, 3 long months worth of frustration is gone,
It's you.
You.
The one I alone know.
It's not over…

Fast forward a little more…
We are lovers…
You make me feel things I have never felt before,
My past, your past, our past,
All of it no longer matters,
All that matters is our bodies moving in our own beautiful rhythm,
I can't resist you,
And I don't want to.

I lay on top of you,
With my bare chest on yours,
Feeling your heart beat under me,
I look up at you and you give me a short and sweet kiss,
And then I smile,
Because I don't need a promise of the future,
I don't need a label,
I don't need anything but you and me in this moment,
And you smile on back at me,
You see me like no one else does,
Like no one else can,
And that's enough.
Written: November 1, 2012
Unsafe Safe Mar 2014
I'm engulfed by a civil was between rationality and emotion. And the way has gone on for so long, I can't even tell any longer which is right and which is wrong.
Written: February 21, 2014
Unsafe Safe Mar 2014
When dealing with love, you should never consult your brain,
We as humans have this tendency to think through everything logically,
You know what logical gets you?
It gets you to pick someone who is convenient for you,
Someone who make sense with your lifestyle,
That's all well and good but really take a look at the person you share your home with,
Do you really love them?
Or are they just a convenient way to take care of the things you can't take care of yourself?
Sure, you may love them for that, but do you really love them?:
          Do you wake up every day thinking of only them?
          Does nothing in your life make sense without them?
          If they got up and walked away, would you refuse to ever stop fighting
          for them?
          If you can't, then what you have isn't the love you're supposed to have.
               (Yes, what you have is a type of love. And an important one at that.
               But we deserve to be with the love of our lives for the rest of our
               lives.)

When dealing with love, you should never consult your brain.
Why would you consult a brain on a matter of the heart?
Be unafraid to listen to what your heart says,
Because in the end, this will make you happiest.
You will be happier being in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who you do anything for than you will being with someone who you just go through the motions with and never really feel for.
Give yourself a chance to live and love.
Fight for the one you love.
*Turn off your brain and just follow your heart.
Written: February 7, 2014

— The End —