i told someone else last night.
why?
we're friends,
but why did i let it slip out?
it used to be my secret.
my one and only
deepest, darkest secret.
i guard it less tightly than i used to.
i don't know why,
but i do.
what am i looking for?
am i that hungry for attention?
or was this simply a soul
that made me feel safe?
i'm not sure anymore.
not too many people
can process it well when someone tells them
i'm addicted to hurting myself,
but they did.
they sat with me in silence.
they prayed for me.
they confronted and encouraged me.
it was a gentleness that struck every nerve of conviction in me.
it was a softness that i remembered
when i woke up this morning.
it was a kindness that i am determined
to never forget.

and maybe it's just not the right time

today has too many emotions in it

at this point, i think it's only a matter of time.

we talked for hours.

you said you felt encouraged

but also doomed.

i don't know how to feel right now.

all i know is that i can't stop the tears.

for all you are to me,

thank you.

i pray that you find the sweetest love imaginable.

the window is open,

the rain is gentle,

and the music is soft.

today will be okay.

but how do you say that you don't want to live anymore

maybe if i write enough

and put it on the internet

without anyone knowing who i am,

it will feel

like i've talked about it