God,

just make these decisions for me.

if i ever apologize for existing,

know that i mean it.

i don't know how to live inside my head,

and i'm sorry.

i'm trying to live anyway

and i'm sorry

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE UP SPACE

THIS IS THE ONLY THING I FEEL COMFORTABLE SAYING

I LOOK AT MY LIFE

AND SEE ALL THE SPACE I OCCUPY

AND I

FEEL

GUILTY

i'm scared to lose you.

i'm scared to keep you.

i don't know yet.

just hold me.

just be patient.

please.

i thought moving away from home
would give me all the space i needed.
i thought running away from pain
would make it all vanish.

silly girl.
if you're old enough to go to college
you're old enough to know better.

i thought forgetting about the fights
would magically make me heal.
i thought finding a new source of stress
would chip away old ones by accident.

silly girl.
if you've lived this long,
you're old enough to know better.

they say I have my mother's eyes,

but they never notice

that I also have

her anxiety,

her bad relationship with food,

and her ability to smile

when she's at her darkest