1 of 4
Wednesday, March 2, 2011 at 9:42pm ·

and i am one of the four
another warm face to embody the statistic
blue.black. & bruised
hidden underneath broken down walls once reconstructed
pain rimmed with undulating hate
married to cancerous fear
afraid of the shadows in the day and the dark of the night

and its me who is haunted by the choice of destruction made by another
and we would break it down to economics
something for nothing
property to be used then left behind
we lock the doors on rich emotion
we look as it were an anomaly
rather than the normalcy
while our sisters aunts mothers girlfriends
rage war with demons left in the wake
and their is shame that too
like in invisible chain hung round their delicate necks
and they are broken mending the pieces in the quiet of the night
or in deep dark locations of their heart
and some would say that too have only gotten what they have deserved
but i stand in the assembly line of broken hearts
and i too rage war against that cloak we put on like borrowed clothing 3 sizes too big
the cries of our suffering meet deaf ears..
how long will you chose the comfort of lies when i would spoon you the truth

you focus on the pills,
I try to stop the fading,
I've been fading,

and the thing that breaks my heart the most,
is You love me with your demons,
and I take it in,
I take you in.
every time.

and there's bruises on my arm love,
from another fight once one,
just to be lost again.

And you, you find lovers in smoke covered rooms,
and the demons run rampant,
and you leave me,
worrying at home,
all alone,
ever alone.

You say,"you do not own me, you cannot control me"

and you carry you modge podge jaded notions of romance,
around like it's a suitcase, to wear and tear,

but you light my fire from the outside in,
proving your the one to make me feel,
you smile like the crooked monster you've become,
now your smiles don't even meet my eyes,

and "baby baby baby..."
you promise me rainbows and picket fences after every time.
its the line, I've bought it,
and for every step you take a yard,

there are scars to prove it,
I have scars to prove it.

And there are days i wear them like stitches,
they hold the broken pieces
of this broken heart,

still there are other days where the light of a new days dawning,
and I can pass the etch a sketch on my skin
as creative badges,
ugly to be sure,
reluctant trails to nowhere safe,
and lines to color in.

BUT I refuse to be your prisoner, so please sir, watch me leave.

by Ashley Marie Ohmer on Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 8:08pm ·

And she says “I know of heart break

I have lived life in the home of broken dreams”

And you seek forgiveness from a grace forsaken

consumed with memories of ghost long tied as anchors on this hollowed out heart.

And you smash open opportunity,

like it’s another ****, another pill to swallow

just like another lover you left long ago

but still remember.

you keep the disease thinking it’s the cure

sending those that save packing

and you look for love at the end of a whiskey bottle promising yourself one day you’d end the pain

and you no longer distinguish the devil longing only for another tool to use

and you chase your highs like the ghosts at your door

and you’d knock on mine and id bring you in

how many times did I let you in?

and if you were here

you’d get to hear my heartbeat,

and id would remember were not the same.

and I remember  the heartbeats

while you… you struggle with your name.

abba hold my heart
Monday, February 8

heart to head its the perfect constellation you said
and we sail the waters questioning the wind
but we travel on , we fail to stop riding the tumultuous waves
and i grow weary of the fight, living in the center of the war
i bleed yet stand guard,
i am placid but it is a forgery

my eyes though they are my greatest foe
the betray the climate of my heart
weary my soul wanes,
and how long do my cries fall on deaf ears
and are they deaf or do they hear and absorb what i cannot say
and maybe your listening so intently
and maybe im speaking so loud
and screaming its hitting an octave higher
and im wailing heralding my mistreatment
but maybe your just whispering more then i can hear
i love you my child i have always loved you
i am here i am holding you
rest in me , dont you know your in my every thought that its you i put first


and my weeping is loud now , i cant hide the sound, the whimpering
and i am wounded, the tears crimson stain the floor, i face the corner ashamed of the emotion
hurt
pain
stretching
change
cold
shallow breaths and cold air
my throat constricts
like a boa thats caught the prey
and my throat is ******
i cannot speak
i whimper
sound escapes but not discern able
and in all this i think of another in all this i think of you
and i know i have it easy that their are others
that have so so much less
and i an American do not know true poverty
that i do not know true war
i do not know what its like to not have water... or to live days without a cardboard cut out of real food and i know it
but i still ache
and my tears they fall

and I kept a box for your anger,
something to remember you by.

I placed it right next to the objects of your desires,
and the shelf of your lies.

we talked about love and leaving,
and how you were more of the leaving kind,

and its *****
because I'm the lover, left long, lone to die,
you whispered about forever,
knowing well the cowards lie.

"And I am hurt.
I am pain.
but I walk with raw emotions,
like tethered strings,
wrapped 'round this heart.
and I am strength;
mindless in pursuit.
I walk. I wander.
Knowing what I want,
unsure of your desire.

I'm a puppet on a string,
and you're the unknowing master.

I sing symphonies in my sleep,
driving passion effortlessly.

and as this war rages,
I throw my body in front of you,
with out thought.
Just the rhythm of my love for you,
ringing in my ears.

And there are holes in me,
and it is how it should be.

One thing I regret,
that I failed to make you see,
hang up the strings love,
this is my offering."

"and I am hurt,
I am pain,
the only thing I remember is your name,

there are moments I remember ,
snap shots, re-winded and reviewed,
stretched out through time,
and pour them out,
through my mind,

I am a mess of raw parts,
and bruised bones,
its overpowering my senses,
I repeat all the lines,
but you grew a garden in my mind,
you send me back there with just a look,

and in this moment,
I remember,
the heat under your stare,
I mutter things like I don't care,

heart you are of no use to me,
I want to lock you away,
and put you in repair,

o yes I remember the strength of your stare.

don't bother to hold me hair.
and ****** why do I feel the need to lock you out,
I don't want to have to share.
I don't.

I have carried you on my back,
trying to help you,

and now I am empty and I can't focus on your pain
like you want me to,
I'm empty and I feel the harsh brush of bitterness climbing up my throat,
to form the acid on my tongue,
and I bite it back,
but my insides rage war,

And I love you.
we've been through,
death,
divorce,
****,
***,
Sarah,
but I'm...
barely breathing,
and I'm not sure you're seeing me anymore,
this breath is waning and I can't focus on you,
any more
or maybe it's so hard to past the news feeds of your life,
I resent that I have to ask you, to care about me,
I thought you know me,
but maybe you know the "me",
I used to be.

and can I just say whats on my heart,
I wish I didn't have to teach you how to love me,
you get me on so many many levels,
but jump back to the basics,
I dont want to be the supply and demand of my own needs,

You say you've never felt more closer but I'm not sure if you know I breathe.
I want more from you then this, how many times have a put your needs before mine,

And I can't do it this time,
and find love,
in life's leeches,
thinking I'd be the cure,

and have sat and rage war beside you,
but my insides hide,

you're hurting me cuffing my wrist chaffing this heart
and I'd burn this if it didn't help the bleeding of  my heart

i'm sorry all I want is for you to be
happy but all i see is the water now that surrounds me,
I jumped in to save you,
but I have,
and I didn't save a vest for me.

were just drowning together no one better off then before,
but i no longer want to commiserate together, though I'm in love with the storm.

I hide under the covers,
trying to control my breath,
I know you hear me,
but you allow me this moments
panic,
this moment it's thoughts,
you allow me this moment,
and I can't help but remember,
that,

you give me the choice,
you allow me the decision,
you give me your beating heart,
and say do what you will,

and I do what I will,
because I can't decide what to do when I am standing over the edge of a canyon,
and all I want to do is fly,

you allow me this moment,
to see everything we are,
and everything we are not,

and underneath these covers,
it is warm,
but I feel the cold air find me as,

the tenor of the room changes,
and I'm so afraid I won't be,
enough,
that the experiences that litter your past,
will call you their lover again,

I'm so afraid of losing you,
I'm pushing you out the door,

And I meet your eyes one last time,
and their is ocean in turmoil
and I am the one who churned the waters,
but I know someone's calling your name in the distance,
even though they might never call mine.

Remember when
we were the only ones to sit in silence
and feel no need to feel it,
and remember when
you held my hand in remembrance of another,

And I cant black out the stars ,
you say shines so bright,
who I'm i but a little night light on a dreary day?

Can we just talk and listen?
Does it always have to be this one sided?

STOP.

just breathe,
breathe in the scent,
the emotion,
the cold,
take it all in,
and let it fill all the spaces,
and unreached cavity,
breathe out the dark of night,
to purchase the parts of a new day.

and these are the pieces,
broken and un kept,
                                       * i am un kept*
splinters of a reflection,
of one I havent met yet,

and I dont know who I am,
I dont know where im going,

struggling on,
dancing to a tuneless song,
but I was the one to fall in love with the melody,
but I can't remember it's sound now.

i got lost playing hide in seek,
where are you now?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

there are days where i don't speak
to see how long id go unnoticed
there's a world inside of me
waiting to be set free
set ... set me free...
as days get crossed off your list
and im just check mark
on another four page to- do
anorexia of mind
i feel myself shrinking there
and i am forgotten
like borrowed clothes you once washed
and there are words
here dormant and still covered
in the dust of unuse
and i am falling flailing failing
to right myself
safety eludes me
i grasp at broken shards trying ransom something solid.

07.26.1998
dear ashley,

you are beautiful, my fire fly,
i know you do not believe it now,
i know that this will be the year you are ordered to wear pants,
to feel the food you stuff into you,
and your parents will increasingly start to critique
all that you consume,
i know as things changed it was first about control,
then about coping, i know that now,
but how could you have known that it would become all consuming,
the need to feed,
like prey who bleeds,
you know the feeling of a sharks eating frenzy
im not writing you so that the burden you carry gains weight,

just to remind you that I love you,
all the parts of you that are growing and the things that are withering i pray that you hold on just a bit longer,
you see ,so much has happened since we last saw each other,
public school
private school
highschool
homeschool
private school
cyber school
university
hold on babe,
keep dancing in the rain,
bathe in sunlight like a beautiful blooming flower you are,
hold tight to your innocence,
know that you are enough,
that you can battle dragons and save prince charming,
know that you are strong,
that even as you battle your fears of
control,
of rejection,
inadequacy,
and displacement,
know that
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL STRONG COURAGEOUS SPIRITED SMART CREATIVE INTELLIGENT,
BUT MOST OF ALL
YOU ARE FOREVER LOVED
BY
YOUR FAMILY
YOUR FRIENDS
AND ME,
I know that you will have to make hard choices and the road to discovering who you are isn't going to be like the walks in the park that you and I both loved so much,
but babe you are capable and strong enough to handle the brick walls and speed bumps.
I love you,
Ashley Marie.

I am hungry i think as i lock eyes with you
i tap my feet hoping your questions will be enough to spring forth the rhythm of a vibrant relationship
ask me how
care about the whys

and you do care for me
protectively

but i am struggling stubbornly with wanting to tell you how to love me
and the stubborn belief that i shouldnt have to tell you how

and this is the new chapter called the firsts
and i want you to be curious bout me
and jealous when you know
i want to tell you
but dont you see
youve got to be the one to ask me.

babe
Wednesday, March 2, 2011

and if im not careful ill let you in

and these words will bubble over and rush around you

and there's an excitement im trying to shove aside and keep it on lock

and its not easy... with  the slip of the tongue you'd know my heart

and you are blind to my insides

i cant let you in.


the power you have over me i cant let you in

do you see me dancing under your lightest of touch

and i come alive from the inside out but im frightened

it will just be as it was

just less time and more hurt and rejection to weigh me down

Thursday, April 7, 2011

and he holds my hand

trusting ill understand

and i do.

"i miss my daddy" he says.

and i am honored to be the next best thing

and in his world i am

i look over his head to see the wasteland

that stretches  all  around us

but he cannot see it and for this i am so glad

we walk on, hand in hand

and i will not deny him that small comfort

of touch  not laced in anger or insult

just complete love.

he is so small though genetics say one day he'll tower over me

i look up its my duty but i dont forget our hands

    and i dont know him

    i dont know who he'll grow up to be

but he's worth my every worry

and all my sacrifice

and here the land is brittle , broken

with homes torn in two

and broken dreams lie left for dead in the street we walk

and i am his protector

though i will become everything he has need for

and i am aware of the ghost of yesterday who follows me

but it doesnt matter

nothing else matters but the strength of my love for him

o my baby boy.

crawl up my skin, sit here beside me,
will you listen?
listen to my heart break,
listen to the sad songs I'm still trying to write.

just stop,
here.
be here.
with me,
turn off the thoughts of you just for a moment,
and listen to me,
I stop for you,
and the world will spin without your finger tips pressed to plastic,

Gosh,
I am screaming in this silence,
I filled this canyon with thoughts of you,

I defense.. I mean I defend. for you, I do.
I put it away,
and I shove it all down,
saying I am fine,
wish you put up a hand,
to find mine,
and we're laying in the dark now,
I've forgotten how to speak,
and there is time but I am weak,
you haven't tended to me.

but I've quieted these demons,
heart,
I've pushed me aside,
"I always value your life over mine"

"i dont love you
                                                                                but i always will'

i scratch at bruises,
i press my flesh and
im still bleeding bruises
of blue and black and purple
and have come to find comfort and sorrows song
                            " I dont love you , I always will"

and it's dark here,
and I have become so cold,
and i sense his presence before I make out his shape.

I know what he has come to do,
he strips me of my dreams,
slandering them with the impossibilities,
he shatters my confidence,
while reminding me of my overwhelming failures,

"You were born to the night and in the night you will live" he decrees,
and there are days where i believe him.

maybe it would be better if he hit me, at least then i could explain the scars.

And I took for granted your love dear,
I trampled the edges of your heart,
And I sink my teeth into your raw parts,

you've paper mache-d back together,
made with the feelings you hide,
and the bits and pieces you despise.

AND WE ARE BROKEN.

broken parts,
angles, and points,
ragged edges,
like our ragged breath,
we fight the war,
we live,
everyday,
fighting the existence,

We live for the moment we stop and feel,
and I have been  living my tomorrows today,
in search of the escape of my sorrows,
and I've been planning my life like I'm already late.

and we are a broken generation,
I explain,
where the scars that mar our heart,
match the scars that mar our skin,
and we cut away at feelings,
feelings that make us unsatisfied,
with who we are,

and im raising up orphans,
when the home I know becomes an collection of strangers .

and I'm giving them water
but there is poison in this well.
and they are set on this desire to carve out more,
more time.
more space.
more love.
more energy.
more. more.more.

I'm taking a melon scraper to my insides,
trying to rid myself of baggage getting in the way of what you want,
and what I want for you.

MrRight or maybe now or later
Dear Mr.Right,

I think I understand now.

And I get it .

We sit waiting.
Seconds.minutes.hours. days.
For the someone in our life to complete us,

to wrap our wounds and mend our hearts.
To laugh at the jokes  we tell even when they aren’t funny. no especially when they aren’t funny.

To challenge us and to make us forget, but allow us the space to remember.

To know when we want to be held,

but don’t know how to ask,

a mate,

a lover,

a friend.

And we wait.

Believing and hoping they will come and rescues us from the tower,

to fight off the demons and the dragons of the mundane day to day life.

And to win our hand, for rescuing us.

And we sit and wait as we expect them to tear down the walls of our imprisonment whether mental or concrete,

as we become less,

we become dormant,

when we have been given the same tools and opportunities to tie up the bed sheets or cascade our hair down, to escape,

to be free, wasting away in the waiting

I want to warn you

I am not sitting on my bed waiting,

do not look for me in the kitchen making the pies to appease your hunger,

I am out collecting treasures,

and having adventures,

and making memories

with hook and finding my way with pirates,

and traipsing with sinners while believing in saints,

you wont find me with apple scented skin but maybe lemons,

or grass,

or the sea salt ocean

or dandelions,

because I am lying in the meadow looking up at the stars breathing in cold air,

and thinking of you

but you will not find me waiting for the world to be put back on its axis or ask atlas to put down his burden,

im not running away, but Im not waiting in a tower held high above life.

Ill be among the disciples and the hipsters, brushing off the mud of my jeans and rolling down hills with children,

kissing boo boos  and fighting my own demons.

And one day we’ll meet and I ll ask you where were you when I was waiting and maybe you will say looking for you. or maybe you’ll say I was waiting for you. And we’ll be happy to find each other.

I will not let life pass me by while i am waiting, but Ill put pieces of me in all my letters left to tell you of my adventures,

If you thought Id be less pirate more princess I’m sorry to say maybe it’s better this way. I am not dormantly waiting,I want too much for that, I  want to know me before I find you. I want to be single and appreciate the entire bed and not having to share, to look in the mirror and to know my own worth and beauty, and maybe these things will come later in life before or while you are around. I know not your name or the hour in which we’ll meet but tonight I’m thinking of you. Catch me of you can.

she speaks in rhymes and riddles
and i cant help but listen.

and i'm a mess of insecurity
wrapped up in a box of smoke and mirrors

and im putting you through the wringer
unsure of north or south

they say follow the constellations of your heart
yet we cant map out the stars,

she says she isnt a good person,
and i wonder at her crimes,
thru the doors of my jail cell,
i wonder of her crimes,
she sits in the green grass head down,
unless people walk by,
and only does she lift her head up to sneak a glance at me,
and to stare down anyone looking.

she wraps her hair around her ear,
she has such little ears,
to small to let her in on my own fears,
and im crazy about her,
crazy with out her,
and im not sure she knows,
she'll quote me 7 years this Sunday,
and i see the way she looks at me,
another stray to love and pray for,
i wonder if she knows i claw at raw parts,
im forever biting the inside of my lip,
praying she wont see that im another sinking ship,
thrown around like forgotten luggage in a the sea of broken things
sinking,
i flay the parts of me that is to thick to conform and straighten out,
i wrap weights around my body,
so scared to float past the never ending stream of failed dreams,
i scratch,
i gnaw
i fester
i bleed out,
and anything i have left i give it to you,
anything good left i borrowed from you,
but how much can you take,
you are carrying me but im just dead weight.

and we lay pressed together,
he tries to teach me the dialect
of butterfly kisses,
and being so close,
we are no longer a landscape of two mountains and valleys moving,
but we are one,
and its so warm and comforting to feel his weight as he weighs on me,
and he still needs to be closer,
wrapping compact muscles,
around my stumps for legs,
and he is sticky fingers, that bestow solemn pinky promises,
half attempted secret whispers yelled across the room,

he is a sweet sunrise,
when all you have ever known is the blistering loneliness of night.
He is not afraid to talk and to share his thoughts,
and there are moments, snapshots of my failing infrastructure,
that lashes out at his incessant nature, me willing him to stop.

He discusses my beauty with strangers and mid thought tells me that I am so very beautiful,
and when he says it I believe it.

he falls asleep like one who is proud to tell anyone listening he is 3 and a half he had to add.

i wish he were mine,
mine to keep,
mine to trully love,
but I'm just make believing playing wifey to families,
with no need,

but right now its just
you and me
and the me I am with you,
and in this moment i hold your small 3 year old hands in my hand,
and its enough to be.

I take the tags from the hook
I place it over my head it finds its spot
Right next to my beating heart,

When Iwake in the morning this
These tags the only link to your excistance,
But that can't be true,
That isn't true.

5 freckles across
And a few down,
I touch the scar like a dog ear ,
To mark history,
Like history Irepeat myself,
Mantras in my head pleading and repeating,
I circle  and dot things that have been eating me up
Hoping for the courage to finish true thought,
But the demons of fear that find me can't be bought,
And Ibegin  to play memories over and over,
Of times when you were here.

and I'm forever saying good bye,
and inventing new ways too,
and here you go again on your next big adventure,
saying your always safe,
but that's lying, your lying,
I can only guess what dangers stock you in the dark,
and the demons that plague you,
i dont know what plagues you,
you make them laugh,
im sure you do,

I'm inventing new ways to say goodbye,
and I just don't really want to do it this time.

i want to stop,
i dont know if i can,
take these hands that fetter me,
remove the chains around this neck,
unlock my lips,
you can be creative,
figure out the steps,

make war on my senses,
id rather leave (her)e senseless,
capture this,
moment,
stolen,
and bought,
this organic prepackaged heart,
pressed and used to be pressed and you used again.
but its different for you,
ive made it for you unshackle the weary,
bones help me shake them down,
lets dance over supposition of our innocence now,
innocence used as a guise to cover and uncover who we really are,
well... the we ... we are together,
chop it up spit it all out give them something to shout about,
i will the secrets you keep hold to hope
will make a promise,
never to consider the rope
of injustice,
a picket fence and 2.5 kids
make the promise for living

Tuesday, February 2

we hold hands as we see the world below our feet
and are hands meet
and i don't think
i never think only till later
bruised and forever bleeding
my wounds are internal
you'd think they'd notice
or have i gotten better at pretend?
my body more of a tomb then
the supposed birthing womb
and its my duty to bring and share the life i cant feel
my duty and your expectation of archaic womanhood clash with my unrelenting desire to be free
from your tendency to pierce me with the conclusion i am of no use anymore
i always wondered why you had so many things, but really you don't
those are the dolls that clutter life you no longer give the time of day
but the stuff you collect sticks to you like a magnetic crane in a junkyard you dangle you prize possession
not caring if it falls
for the gifts are replaceable
you'll settle for warm sheets and a bed to be
and it doesn't matter who you hurt

I come home to you like I meant too.
and I'm I meant too?
I sit my heart down for a chat,
but it's not listening,
I can't rationalize the feelings of my heart,
I can't turn to you and discuss the course,
and I am left lone dealing cards to the ghost of your love.

grit like sand (take 2)
Sunday, August 22

they said of her...

    damaged.broken.breakable.unfixable.

    ****** to be all that she feared

stuck in the wasting

     they called her hope-less



she had hope before she grew

she carried it around at every turn of celebration

and in her heart she felt that cancer

knowing all to well the divison

a chamber for john and another for judas

judas walked behind her in shroud of darkness

knowing her all to well, keeping  parts of her  entrapped  in all her vices

yet he sang songs of sweet melodies

his counterpart's room painted in the naked truth

layed wake to the quiet and the loud noises of her soul

in this room she found deep sorrow that was married to great joy

it was a foundational healing cloaking her body like a protective shield

here her body laid in the litter of broken dreams and empty nights

this room used to be a temple but now the remnants of a broken down home

a thing she once knew

and here is the half ring
to honor our half engagement
here is the half birthday
that i half arrived at
here's half the money to give you a ride home
here's half the water bill
half this salad
half the bottle
half a fork
half a napkin to wipe off half your face
half the equation
half the notes on the passion
half the poetry cluttering the desk half the time spent looking
half the strings you need to play
and here's the cake to honor that half birthday
here's the half car
you half use to work half way

but what can i do with half a ring i cant put it on my finger, i cant have it to display
and whats the point of a half cake when my family is invited to dinner,
and a salad almost gone to be eaten with an only two prong fork
only one sided story doesn't make for much a tale and you could be poor and give more
ask willie, who roams 55th street, ask him about having nothing, but his name and he remembers it
some they forget, but he remembers what others forget and he's still living
and he hasn't quit.

he is a warm sun on a lifetime of cloudy days,
I cover up to keep the cold out but he undresses my thoughts
he says he loves me
and i cant breathe,
i wonder if he knows that,
this act of kindness could near **** **** me,

he kisses me slowly like he's okay with waiting,
and he is tap tap tapping on my door
like we could be more
and we could be more

but he doesn't know i am breaking
the pieces of my heart lay broken
like broken pottery with too many missing pcs to put back together,

I tell him you love the idea of me,
a warm body to warm the sheets next to,
a hand to hold,
someone to look for in a crowd,
a person to belong to
that lust looks like love
until you get sick or hit with hardships,

he says it though,
over and over,
I am tempted to believe him,
why don't i believe him?
as he looks into my eyes
and tells me the wonders of this body  
that's changing
and becoming more like my home
he says he loves me,
holding me tight,
maybe he thinks its true,
maybe he means to manipulate,
maybe in the heat of a kiss given right,
he believes it,

i dont deny the body its wants ,
but i will judge this heart,

i map out intention ,
as I link love with his name,
practice perfection,
when he loves me just the same,

he says : i believe that its true.

i think that his beliefs are founded in his body and i cant allow myself that.

i say : if i fell in love with you, you aren't in the place to catch me if i fall.
and thats the nature of this body to fall hard.

You inhale my innocence like it was a drug,
you tear it off me,
just like the new shoes I scraped up to buy,

and you say "but baby,babe, I love you",
and you'd find all the touch points,
to give me a heart attack,

and I said " but mama, mama,
he said he loved me."

I'm sure he loves me.


And she'd start off with the little things,
sightings of him and a barbie in a dress,
and then she'd build up,
incantations of dancing with the devil,

But his hands held me.
His hands, they held me, unafraid,
of the walls I resurrected or the fear and confusion I could infuse.

left,right,left,right.

He undressed  me with his eyes,
and with his words he'd dress me up,
but the demons of the day,
play nice up in till dark.

1.2.3.4.4.3.2.1.

His hands, they held me.
They spun me circling around,
and pulled me back in.
Close.chest to chest.
They rubbed my back,
they lifted my head.

And you came to me broken,
like broken glass.
You were broken but gentle in remorse, and liquid guilt,
bruised and body beaten,
I covered you,
pulled together and tug the warmth off my body and laid it over you.
You shivered, trembling, I asked if you were still cold.

It's getting cold now,
I still wonder if your soul still wanders,
I wonder if your still freezing.

I've poured out the hot cocoa,
and I've locked all the doors.

You will not find comfort in me anymore.

and You make deals with the devil,
to bring up memories of me,

But I'm done, doing the damsel
and you are left with your disease.

you fall asleep, and I make songs to the rhythm,
and my breath and I want to stretch this moment around me and crawl inside the corners of you heart and setup shop there, or coax the stranger smiling outside your windows, to explain to me the delicate nature of you're ribs, and tell me why you don't swing like you used to,why you avoid reflective glass?

I wrap you up,
I feel your cold,
I call on strength that I only use to give away,
never for me,
I wouldn't know how to see, the me,
to use it on,
but I can focus it on you,
I can make your next breath easier than the last,
I carry that truth with me,
and its enough for now.

Hold my hand.
I'm not asking you,
hold my hand.
step back from the ledge you climbed up to,
take a breath,
hold my hand,
move back grab my fingers,
hold tight to my wrists,
grab at my elbows move past them
hug my waist
and i will keep you from falling the very least Ill you help you back up,
and like you,I  too  feel like falling,
late at night,
between the cold sheets and the corner room,
I scratch at the raw parts,
scars that I beg to heal,
I poke at the raw meat and the bruises,
I make believe and etch and sketch all in the same sequence,
but I offer this body,
worn and weathered,
I'll do my very best to shield you from the cold,
step back from the edge love,
I need you to see what you mean to me.

it begins again

and im trying so hard to swim and

i am doing what i know

trying so hard to be what they need of me

and i strap it all down the insecurities

processing them in stolen moments

few and far between and im running the circles in my cage

im i drowning or is this whats its supposed to be

stolen moments...



    " and i'd be lying if i ran away.."

    

    

and maybe thats what i need to do

to save the rest of me

and every day i am reminded of what im not

and i am trying but that matters not

Homeless love.
Tattered looks
Paper back books
Stolen moments of peace in a jungle of brick and motar
Stone and deep seeded money
We are the pennies of the society dropped and looked over spared a glance we are blighten a blight on a commericial society of prada bags
But we wear the tattered rags of humanity best left overlooked
Blaming it on the overlooked
They see us as they overcooked but  they come to us in need place your order,but dont give to us
Pack mauls to your desire your disgust pale only to your addictive desire.. but i dont live here im just white girl passing thru.

I know that she finds safety with me,
though i'm unsure of how she decided that.

It's be lying,
they,
they lie,

saying don't ask
but,
please do tell?
you want the truth,
when it's,
convenient,
a fast food convenience,
not when its real,
not when it's raw.
you take the jersey shore,
to the feel of the jersey shore,
and ilk seeks out ilk,

and I become disgusted with your stance,
who'd you ****** with that crucifix today,
you wear white to herald your purity,
but you're covered in blood,
sticky matter that messes up your picket fence lifestyle,

"a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets"

and you are dying while your lying,
saying you're free of disease,

and what of the disease of your jealousy,
and it's eating at you.

You're a bitter wasteland of broken down homes,
and the shame isn't being broken,
were all walking 'round,
asunder,
blood drips off the things,
not already dead,
we've all got slivers splintering the ***** of our heart,
No judgement lies in the your fear, in the hypocrisy of your life.
You're so afraid to be seen,
you repress the memories,
to numb,
to destroy,
the humanity
  that could save you
    from the fall.

hungry


just a glance

a touch to my fingers

a conversation on the porch

a look across  a noisy room

a note left behind

a inquiring text about the day before

a "i've missed you" followed by

a hug without space that lasted days

an admission of need

  or the the things you fear

poetry written in the dark

evidence of love marks

im famished for you love dear

where did you go?

And he turns to me in the voice of an elder and says " hierarchy of the dichotomy of good in evil is not to be thought of lightly , you don't know what you ask, its not that simple."*

You sir forget what you once knew, you love not who you loved back then,
you forgot that veils been broken and the truth is that simple.
im sorry you've forgotten the overwhelming feeling of love in your creators arms
but i have not forgotten and i pray i never will
i grapple with your inability to love,
did you not know your maker
were you taught so much of the *LAW you learned to be as everyone becomes
apart of the dust
another faker
life cant be computed in binary supposition however of this i know.

and that's the place,
where I go,
the mind nestles before it goes to bed,
and I struggle against your hold even now,

i show my neck

I trace the scars,
tokens,
of affection left,
for me.

And I wonder if you've,
if you were ever loved,

and I feel the brush of constant disappointment,
that lap over your soul,

and you'd erase it if you could get your weapon to reach,
and you talk with demons,
while they haunt me in my sleep.

and everyday I try to draw,
strength from those who prove to be strong,
and the memories a litany,
an unsung song.

I can't write it down,
I can't seem to spell it out

and we don't talk about it,
but I want to.

I feel out the landscape of your heart,
and I know it more than this old soul,

and we trace the contours of the in between,
and we don't even want breath,
we exchange our airy breath,
like sailors lose their voices to the waves,

I fall into you like this is all there ever will be,
like I'm supposed to,
Though words, that could define us is,
what we truly seek.

We dare not speak,
we grow to fear,
the indifference of the words said,
launched without thought,
that could,
that would,
pierce the world we live,
and in this moment,
i could die knowing
I drowned in you love dear,
and that would be enough.
You'd be enough.

We sleep on couches,
we know the floor,
but with you,
my reality is a castle with secret gardens,
a sleeping beauty, awake.

and I want to bake in  the sunshine of your love dear,
pull down the covers,
and awake love.

I've counted the hours.
I've paid my time.
Willingly knowing, that there's the sun
at the end of the tunnel,
I fight the muck, I fight the mire,
May we never tire my love.

with a smile,
a wink,
the rapt attention
I bestow,
I give love to strangers
people who don't ever catch my name, who dont stop long enough to
I give love to fantasy people cardboard cutouts who my be real in front of me but have no knowledge,
of my war,
the inner struggles  that cause ravage in my soul
ridden cage,
I give love to strangers people that wont remember,
that wont recall
the stretch of my smile or the thickness of my thighs
I give love to the mail man,
push it out over my hands, to blow kisses into his face
it wraps around his chin and climbs up the gap and sits on his cheeks,
rosy and stained,
I give love to the children being yelled at two cars behind me in the drive thru line,
I love you, I don't know why she's acting like this but boys one day youll know she loved you,
but she was broken and tired with excuses
I give love to the man who sits by me, rattling the table so badly with his shakes,
and the ever scent rolling off his clothes,
that smell like broken promises leading up to his broken home,
I love you,
I give love to the strangers rich or poor broken scattered collected gathered,
I give love to faceless people, the ones who fight overseas,
never knowing me,
I give love to strangers,
because I cant seem to use it on me.

because when I turn it to me,
the light burns the whispers screams,
the love too tight,
hugs too close,
kisses too intense,
love too much,
oil over water and blood,
lotion over bones,
its too hot for the cold

and she  breaks me down,
with consistency her ,
and I chose the path of weakness,
I fought so hard for love,
not meant for me,
and I struggled against the marriage of  insecurities in my reality.
_________________­___

and this truth lays,
between us,
like the valley of the dead,
whose dreams have withered up and died.
__________________­__

I get lost in you're memory,
as I think,
I wrap your love around me,
closer than my skin,
and there are tears,
till all I have left is a d.u.l.l. ache.
Only remembering loss,
blindsided by the raging emotion,
and damage wrought to an unprotected heart.

I know its coming before I feel it,
and I am left bruised,
and forever bleeding,

and wherever you touch,
is a mixture of fire and ice,
flaming pain
only to lead to numbing cold.

I map out the tender areas,
painted with black and blue,
and my fingers
they barely skim surface.

Closing me eyes,
shutting out thought,
feeling only pain.
But I take it,
because I still have use of my hands,
and my eyes haven't swollen shut,
it only gets worse,
when there is no feeling and all I am is cold.

And after every fall you
become my prince charming,

you dance me around in circles,
while my hips move under your control,
but they are just parking spots for your hands,
hands that won't stay there long.

It's in those moments,
I worry about the next time,
but those thoughts are fleeting ,
it's so much effort to get through them now.