You said you had something to tell me,
that verbally it was just to hard.
And I loved that you'd confide in me,
and allow me entrance into the world of you,

six pages folded up tight,
and I wanted to tear the open to see what dark secret you'd share with me.


5 pages were blank the 6th written on...  
you wrote:                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                        I love you.


And in that moment all I allowed myself to think,
was that you wanted ME.
Of all people you were content and filled with joy,
secure in loving me.
I reread that note over and over,
memorizing each dip in the paper.

it was a summer night you held my hand,
you lead me to the tent you pitched in your back yard,
and i thought i could lay there, hidden in a tent with your arms wrapped around my waist,
but i wanted you to prove it,
maybe i just wanted to feel it,
you said, "ashley, breathe"
and your fingers found a way to cradle my head,
and to pull down the wall i peek through,
and your pink lips touched mine,
and i wonder sometimes if you would do it now,
how would i react or would i have set sail south for you were always being kissed by the sun,
and I don't talk about it,
no body knows the places we traveled to,



I'm certain you never knew what love is
and you certainly didn't know how to love me.
Later I would voice the doubts and the regret,
but secretly want another chance with you,
you were my first kiss, haven't another since,
first relationship,
though you'd be hard pressed to call it that.
I haven't ever even dated.

You stole my innocence the moment,
I awoke to you sitting up in the bed we shared,
with you smoking,
a cigarette,

But you said you loved,
as a tool to manipulate,
not because it was true,
and I loved you as you needed but you wanted more,

she isn't in my life right now.
I made that decision long ago but her ghosts still chills me,
and I remember tents in backyards,
and stuttered breath like Morse code across your skin.

      
my ragged breath,
exhale and inhale,
things to remember
you slide closer,
and I am a frost princess,
you hold me with just a stare.
I dared you and not one to back down,
you rose to the challenge of,
taking my lips and melding them with yours,
and I am unaccustomed to the value you place,
and the reverence and gentleness you posses,
in one motion of your fingers
that dance across the freckles of my hand,

I don't want to feel this but your hands,
take purchase of my hips,
and my lips haven't been kissed before,
and I am addicted to the power you give me,
in just your gaze,
and you tell me you love me.

back before the kiss
before we started to hangout again,
since we left the gray and maroon lockers,
of a school we refused to be broken in.
I remember when.

And he presses up against me,
and I can feel my heart bouncing in my throat,
he's snakes his hands around me,
making it
difficult,

to breathe,

to think,

to process information,

to comprehend the words,
that flow,

I follow the dance of his,
tongue,
and I am sluggish,

I am inebriated,
in desire, left in the wake....  

....... wake
to the sound of my alarm,
and I curse,
the cruel,
ways my,
mind,
plays,
tricks,
on the me,
I am unguarded,
in sleep,

a wake,
I am strong,
and I can ignore,
the "lonelies",

he say's anxiety,
is misplaced trust,


but I'm trusting,
others have forsaken what was to be the goal,
but I'm still waiting,
I'm here.
waiting,

like a landmark,
against a tsunami,
I'm here waiting,

God had seven days to create all we,
know, can't wait to see what,
he has in store,
20 years and more,

I'm waiting for the hands that shaped me,
to place me.


and I'm still here,
I'm waiting.

You were the words I couldn't say.
the words i still can't seem to manage,
and you knew them,
you could whisper them to me like pillow talk secrets,
pressed together tight between sighing information
but you are only one part of me,
the right atrium when what I really needed was the left.
you get me but your not what I need.

and i begin to resent that the notion,
that you'd say you were my best,
but your not,
you won't be,
you aren't.
Its not even vanity if I were to say that,
soberly,
The best of you is me.
time would tell you what others do not,
intentionality would broadcast the truth in the lies,
I don't expect roses,
in scripted jewelry,

just for you to think and intentionally remember me.
an aorta to your heart,
an elixir to allow you to breathe,
remember me.
when you reach for the next long legged cigarette,
with the the tattooed sleeve wrapped round his neck,

Remember me.
Because I do not forget you.

lead me not by the way side mama
lead me to the meadows with grass stretching high as gravity permits
lead me not to my heritage where i am reminded of antiquated desires now laid to dust
lead me to the attic of your existence where all the secrets lie
lead me not to the desert for i know the terrain well
lead me to the rolling hills, where my youth finds freedom
for one day all this will be gone and i to another memory
and we will reverse the order and i will lead you on.

And I am beating at the windows,
banging at the door,
clawing at skin,

and I keep talking,
hoping you'd hear me,
and let me in.

And I don't know where you're going,
I don't know where you've been,
or how we got here,
and your breath was my breath,
and I don't know how it got so bad,
I don't know how I'm still breathing,
and I re live every hurt,
every pain,
and you've run along,
you mixin' passion and lust with new addictions,

I just wanted to save you,
you were searching for destruction,

You never loved me...
you never got past the pain.

You never loved me babe,
I'm not even sure you know how.

and I write them.
love letters to strangers,
I support the troops,
I organize a drive,
I make out letters to faceless people,
knowing not the strength of their smile,
but imagining the topography of their hearts,
of their hearts,
I pencil out conversations,
that don't matter,
in order that they know that they matter,
if only to me,

I compliment strangers,
I tip more then the bill,



and I am a face less white girl,
who seemingly has got her things in order,
see my left hand, I've hid my right.
and as they rationalize these random acts of kindness
the gestures,
that I want to matter,

I wonder if they think of me?

I write love letters to strangers,
because their easier to love,
then myself,
I write love letters to strangers,
because I 'm not willing to start one to me.

I wish I could explain it
this sorrow.
To crawl inside the window and for oncenot
Look in but out.
And if Iput it to words could you find it
The why
The how
Reach inside this heart shaped well
Bring up the poison,
Just give me a moment

I feel it still
I feel you still.*

Carve out my insides.leave the white washed walls of my interior
Red.

And I know the outcome of this,
I know how much it will hurt when I land,
Bruised and bleeding,

But I want to wrap my love around you,
Warm you up,
From the mind
down
And Iwant to get dressed in your insides,
The things you ve learned to hide,

Will you let me crawl inside your head space,
And hallow out a place so we me meet beside,
Your ribs to my chest ,

I dance for you my love,
Longing to do more then entertain,
Allow me to wake the dormant feelings
You promised once you'd never feel again.

Because you carve at my insides,
You cause world of warcraft to begin in my stomach,
While mere heart mumurs increase too a caterwaling of my senses till
I am bankrupt of all sound, left with mountains heaving to breathe

And Ido learn to breathe,
Longing to inhale the poetry you produce
In the wake of trails tattoed by spidery fingers,
That prove to be more poisonous then 1st thought,
Leaving me captured,

And I'm sorry but we haven't yet met,
I really wish we had met,

But lover to love
here is the reciepe for my disaster.

he makes me feel like beyonce,
volumptous and wanted,
like he'd wanna be the blanket to hold all my curves.
and he takes control when im too nervous to even breathe,
and my backs to him but i dont feel the need to look behind me to see if he'll catch up because he... he's already there
he holds me tender,
and sometimes he grasps like his afraid id leave him, almost like i could slip through his arms.
i poke fun at the gentle men tendicies he attributes to his mum,

sometimes though i wonder if i can trust him
i wonder if he s real
and maybe im just used to the more rough around the edges, fake it till you can take it,  and when you got it drop it -love con artists that steal away moments of your life like bites
off your aorta
But you're smooth babe and rounded fitting into all my weird niches

I drop the words down,
can you reach them?
they spill up and over these chapped lips,
and I, I cannot control the flow,
I beg you make sense of me,
read between these lines,
makes sense of my hands,
my gestures give hints to you,
read my sweaty palms,
look at this jumble of propositions,
and agitated adjectives,
they used to read pig intestines,
to predict the fates.
It's not a mistake I promise you,
look at me a mess in a dress,
moving to fast to order these words,
to line up and make a sense.

"and you don't know what I look like,
when I'm not in love with you."

how true is that for me,
there are days I remember so clearly,
no dry eyes, wise guy,
but you and me i see what we were,
what I thought we'd become to be,
and other days I gaze out not understanding what it was that brought me there,
not understanding the who and was when I was with you,
how did i feel so complete when you were completely lacking,
im not talking about the things you warned me you were packing,
but what it was that ate at you,
dry bones,
and whiskey,
i don't know how you could have left me,
i supported the world you ran,
and i am just another atlas carrying around the boulder of a lost lover,
roll over.
turn over.
start over.
over and over,
these are the things that play strings on my heart beat,
and my hearts beating,
no thanks to you.
I'm left with mashed potato memories,
lines across my lips, of lies you left there for me.

maybe we met and I , I forgot.

I am unashamedly Ashley. At least that's what "hellopoetry" calls me. Tumblr calls me "vesperoflove", but if you really knew me you'd drop off the glitz and just call me "Ash".

And here we are sitting on the subway and something about you makes me want to open up. Maybe it's the way you smile or the wrinkles you get when you are trying not to. But I look into your eyes and you hold my gaze, and I like that. You aren't staring at me like I am worthless piece of trash nor have you look at me like I am a piece of ***, you are just looking into my eyes. I am flattered by the attention, I might stumble over words, and your interest might even cause me to blush. You ask to sit by me and I wave you in, and that's where this new chapter begins.

"Hi." I say working up the nerve to meet your gaze,and I blush, I am the abscence of your color and I stare down at my legs and as you rearrange yours to accommodate the length of your logs extensions of your long trunk, I note the contrast in appreciation.

And I get distracted by this, but you are asking me questions about my life and I try and dredge up silver lining in monotony of years.

    What have I done exciting?
    What do I hope to accomplish?
    Where do I see myself in the next five years?
    What do I want?
And that is only the tip of the Iceberg you have thrown in my lap.

Coming off as an host of a talk radio show, I ponder these illuminating thoughts.

And your probably not the first person to ask me these things, but right now its like I have never been truly asked.

I don't know why I haven't asked these things of myself.

But cargo doesn't ask or question. And maybe that's how I have been living my life.

Merely reacting to things that have happened in the past and in the present.

I would like to blame it on my poverty mindset. On the way I grew up. But then when does my accountability start.When do I get to make choices for me, and be held responsible.

At the age 18 when I can rent ****, buy stick de cancer?

What age do we become our own person, driven by our own desires?

But you aren't worried of the questions I haven't begun to ask and I like that.
I lean in closer hoping to gauge you reaction in your eyes.
I am known and you see me not as I am but what I could be and all the things I have yet to achieve do not mar your rose color glasses.

I find joy in the kindness of strangers and reprieve.

you carried me home,
again,
I am inebriated on the cheapest liqueur,
you've done this before,
you've held me,
and if we had to walk you made sure,
you walked on the outside
you know me,
and my tendency to conduct
traffic in the middle of the street,

if we drove,
you,
made patterns on my back,
smoothing out my dress,
or collecting all that I have taken off,
like a jaded version of Hansel and Gretel,
you are always picking up the pieces of the crumbs i dropped,
you forever in the friend zone,
and I am continually putting on and taking off,
creating intricate dances for strangers,

and you catch me when I fall,
I am forever falling,
wandering the woods looking for danger,
or maybe just another way out,
I speak to witches,
you pray to Jesus,
I used to call him mine.
and you hold my hand,
when I began another round,
of self infliction,
another bout of self destruction,
you stay my sword,
swords that nick my wrists,
that have found home in obscure location
but can be found in any provocation.

you stay my hands,
allowing me to yell and scream,
allowing me my anger,
you know it's just misplaced,
and I am just struggling to deal,

I recreate wounds that never showed up,
play house with the demons,
as they remind me I have been beaten,
with the words of an abuser,
I felt the tainted touch of emotional vice.

but you follow me,
lovingly,
consistently,
like a chain wrapped rigid around your heart,
and I feel in foggy delay,
so intoxicated with the ghosts of things that fester,
you are the only one who keeps me safe.

And I have loved you, even when it seemed like I didn't notice,
I know you hold my hair when porcelain tattoos my skin
and I am making love to tiles on the floor.

and with any and all parts of me that are good,
they have lived and survived because of you,
living in the wasteland you have become my sun.

your grace and love carry me,
though I am not as strong yet to live for them,

you have shown unmeasurable kindness,
to me,
and my knight to beat back my darkness,
I may not say it,
I should just say it,

*I love you.Forever and always.

and you wrote on my wall
just you and me
and the stars that come out to dance
i pretend im sleeping and maybe just maybe i am
you the ****** and i the addict
its natural though like i've lived this life once before
and its familiar
this softness
the air cold
ragged intakes
like the feeling unaccustomed to be understood
and this isnt the life we chose
were just haunted by it
and who were are
is what we thought we'd amount to be
and i let it go
it belongs to the sea and i too the air but yet we fit perfectly
and just to hint and id be back for more
just another time id be glued to the door
not in nor out.

I carve at my insides,
hallow out this heart,
rearrange the lungs,
squish tubes,
and realign things that can't be removed,
and I do it willingly,
its you I do it for.

I scrape at my out sides,
I tear out things I have no use for,
at-least I think I don't,
I restart this heart,
over and over,
hoping to line up the rhythm of my life force with you,
and you give me scraps,
when I am hungry for the loaves,

you cause my attack on this life,

and I move things out,
to elicit a response from you,
to con you into conviction,
I do it for you,
I do it for me,

why don't you love me?
I hallowed out the chambers,
I've knocked down dividers,
unlocked the cabinets,
given you the keys to every arena,

but you have no knowledge of its use,
or maybe its you pretend,

they tell me to take it back,
that I give to much,
that I love to much,
to strongly,
to soon,

but to you its not enough.

**I'm I ever going to be enough?

and there's the etch a sketch again,
dragging the metal 'round her wrists,
just to feel,
and heroically I fight to be her champion,
waging wars against the depression of her breaths,
and I remember her pain,
it hurt more then mine,
and I stood beside her
and we paired mutilated aortas,
with decaying hearts,
and I thought this would be different,
that some how the story would change,
because it was us,
us against them,
us against the lust,
and all we wanted was time to be together,
time bleeds love into,
us against crumbling trust,
us against us.

I thought this story was different but in the end,
we speak not,
we trust not,
and we forget and forgive not,
and all we bring to the table of life is left rotten,
desires and dreams untended,
all we are and all we are not is shadows now,
and we are stuck waiting for a train that may never come.

my body a home best lived in.
babe, my  body is a home best lived in.
worn and weathered,
it sways,
dancing in the wind storms,
bowing at snow flakes that pile on,
I shudder, I moan,
like me this house is living,
it breathes hot air in the summer months,
takes purchase of the rain,
it takes whats given,
you mend,
I leak,
I shatter,
my boards squeak, protesting your arrival,
but you aren't put off by the walls i raise,
you fix my windows wipe the mist that streams,
you serenade me with your sorrows,
you lament I cave,
you know my crooks,
youve etched the crannies,
you drop the glass,
you carve out space,
you box up my insides,
making it a more convient display,
Is that what this is? Is that what Ive become?
A convenience store home,
in which you hope to barter,
with a smile or a touch with a slip of kindness,
an I.O.U. of commercialized grace,
If my love was a stream, you'd bottle it up and send it to another factory to be, another product,
of a good conquest,
I'm just another good conquest,
what have you gained?
o my... what have I lost?
what do I have left of me?
have you seen my broken pieces?

and I am remade,
that's the beauty of us,
having never met,
before this moment,
and this moment lays out in front of me,
and I am as I want to be,

not so much as beautiful,
but put together,
and on time,
clean lines,
and calculated responses,
I am currently better than maybe you expected,
and I exceed my expectations of the me I  was before we met,
and I am glad,

I feel confident,
if only in this moment,
and I find peace in the projection of who I wanna be,
and  having just met you,
I find joy in knowing you haven't met my past,
because in such a small space of time,
I haven't failed you,
yet...

is it weird that you make me wanna do yoga to james vincent mcmorrow early in the morning,
sipping green tea and writing letters and paying off debts,
your my clean slate,
my favorite mate,
and i dont worry about the things that im not when you so clearly love all that i am,
i try to tell my mother about how well we fit ,
hip to hip,
chin to chest,
hand to hand,
but i cant gather up the broken pieces of our reflections fast enough,
its never enough,
always wanting more

I break her down with my consistency

Small pieces break… it would heal better if it were just one big wound

I break her down…

And can’t you be stronger than me for once.

Your letting me down and all i have is this fight

And all i can do is push these walls that threaten my existence.

    Say no to me and mean it,

Stop giving into my will.

I cant let up I'm driven  with this need

This obsession has taken my possessions and traded them for fools gold

And I'm left broken and I'm fighting in all the wrong battles and in all the wrong wars

What is it I'm fighting for?

But atleast you know id fight for you till the last breath id be fighting

I remember when you said no

to me and meant it.

But now you never mean it

And i wish you would get over your fears because your what i need

    Cant you be what i need?

this is where we danced,
me too afraid to touch,
you bursting to try,

and in a crowd of people I look for your hair,
set fire to your insides,
and I am forever attracted to the flame,

caught in the embrace of smoky lovers,
you cross your heart,
speaking empty promises,
bargaining for something to burn,
you set fire to your insides,
you want to be able to feel,
you scratch at the raw parts,
you hope to erase the pain,
but all you are is constantly bleeding,
not accepting the grace of my rain,

I set fire to me insides,
and I scratch at old wounds,
trying to heal,
I rub the raw parts,
and poke parts left damaged,
wondering when I'll be able to feel.

short and sweet


she woke with the determination of a thousand unrequited voices, and romeo and juilet just herald her love, a stepping stone to the cross she'd bear.

and she swims with celestial beings who whisper truths in her ears, they hold her hand as the earth makes another rotation

she dreams of babies

and tastes the sea

and my love for you was a song
but you carried out your version
like an eviction notice
somthing that would irrovokably alter your life purpose of coasting

prelude
5 pages were blank the 6th written on...  
you wrote:                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                        *I love you.

You said that you didn't want to change are friendship
but you didn't think you could hide it anymore.
it was a summer night you held my hand,
you lead me to the tent you pitched in your back yard,
and i thought i could lay there, hidden in a tent with your arms wrapped around my waist,
but i wanted you to prove it,
maybe i just wanted to feel it,
you said, "ashley, breathe"
and your fingers found a way to cradle my head,
and to pull down the wall i peek through,
and your pink lips touched mine,
and i wonder sometimes if you would do it now,
how would i react or would i have set sail south
for you were always being kissed by the sun,
and I don't talk about it,
no body knows the places we traveled to,

And I find it here in the ashes,
as I’d follow your down to the earth,
I’d hear your breath, I feel the dirt,
and mosquito lands on me,
your lips met mine,
and I replay it over and over time.
And time is what I have given you.

i wanna tell someone about you,
the ghost of my summer girl,
always finds me sipping on the melancholy,
and dancing with the devils of chaos and confusion,

we don't talk.
we don't speak.
i wonder if you still seek for things you'd have to sneak,
in a tent in your own back yard.

i can't talk about you,
they haven't been around to listen,
but i still think of you.

And if we’d go back there and I couldn’t change this separation,
I know though the places I would have traveled,
I wear the skirts,
you fold the sheets,
and I miss the hands holding my waist.

you call it love and it’s become my torture.

I love how you go after the things you want.
2.I love how you strive to be better person,daughter,sister ,friend.
3.I love how you don’t allow fear of the unknown to go after your dreams.
4.I love how I don’t have to explain myself, but you listen when I feel like I need to.
5.I love how you are the most non-judgmental person I know.
6.I love how you can quote historical facts without provocation.
7.I love how you love music, and you get it when I love it too.
8.I love how research and how detailed you can be when you plan.
9.I love how dedicated you are to doing well in school.
10.I love how you remember things, in such a detailed way, in a way I never could.
11.I love how much you care about your family.
12.I love how you respect life and try to cherish every moment.
13.I love how you love me, even when I don’t.
14.I love your cute little hands and your little fingers.
15. I love how you can type so fast. I've always envied that.
16 I love how you cut through verbal garbage, especially when its mine.
17.I love your quiet wisdom. It helps me in life's storms.
18.I love how even when you're right, you stay humble. You never say I told you so.
19. I love your humbleness, even when there is so much you could be proud for.
20.I love your offerings. How whenever you're around, you are intentionally present in mind and you are bringing everything to the table to help or contribute just to make the person know you care.
21.I love how you can remember actors I know nothing about.
22.I love how you love me enough, to ask what I want.
23.I love your generous spirit, giving and giving and giving, not only to the people you love but to people who have hurt you.
24.I love how you ask me questions and LISTEN to my answers.
25.I love how you inspire me to be a better person. To do my best and to give more of me.
26.I love how you get so interested in things I never thought would be exciting. (sorry. History. I can’t remember half of it which makes it hard to get interested in it.)
27.I love you and how you have been through so much but haven’t let it steal your joy.
28.I love how we can sit in silence and not need to fill it.
29.I love how I don’t have to talk  but you know how I feel.
30.I love your style, and your beautiful hair.
31.I love how you aren’t afraid to wear what’s comfortable to you.
32.I love how freaking adorable you are in grandpa sweaters.
33.I love how comfortable you are with yourself.
34. I love how honest you are even when it doesn't benefit you.
35.I love how you’re not afraid to let me see the emotions you feel.
36. I love how real you are.
37.I love how you don’t sugarcoat things,how you deliver truth with grace.
38. I love how you  make sense of things I can’t even begin to understand.
39. I love your strength and how you help me to be strong.
40. I love your courage to try new things.
41. I love how you become an advocate for the people you love.
42. I love how you try to understand things that others are unwilling to acknowledge.
43. I love how you think so much, and how thoughtful you can be.
44. I love how hugging you feels like home.
45.  I love how you are shamelessly devoted to pop culture trivia.
46. I love how smart you are and that you are confident enough to show it.
47. I love how passionate you get about the things that interest you.
48. I love how you are so loyal.
49. I love how you listen to my fears and don’t laugh or try to placate me.
50.I love how you support me and continue to encourage me to find the way to my dreams,.
51.I love how you intentionally go out of your way to include me and others into your life.
52.I love your determination to live this life in this best way possible.
53.I love how detailed you can be.
54.I love how organized you can get.
55.I love how you can plan and execute things so well.
56. I love your truthfulness and honoring our friendship with honesty.
57.I love how you are so patient with me when I don’t understand.
58.I love how you believe the best of me.
59. I love how you work so hard for the life you want.
60. I love how you can discuss two sides of things without forgetting how you stand.

and you don't live near me anymore,
we go weeks and months,
without talking,
but I love you still,
and I always will.

It was a sliding scale,
and its not,
we arent,
we love in fear,
or play out the jaded concept,
of what love is,
we avoid emotional intimacy,
like a ****** transmitted disease,
we bathe ourselves in,

and we are scared,
we chose the empties,
so desperately afraid of something whole.

we are the generation popping pills,
like the tic tacs of choice,
we numb ourselves to the point of loss,

BUT ITS OUR RIGHT! ITS OUR CHOICE.

and we lose consciousness while breathing in,
worrying about what we once were,
and what is now,
afraid of the dark, we try and bathe ourselves in flourecent light.

shackeled to the shame
of the emptuiness of our years,
pretend we dont hurt, push the feelings aside,
just to belong,
we love in fear,
to escape the consequence of decisions,
but we are forever deciding,
and indecision is a choice even though its still deciding,

lovers lost in a war,
fighting a battle of selective memory,
and we drink amnesia like it's the cure
(it isn't the cure)
and we give ourselves away,
without dictation of the currency,
in which we exchange,
and we'd be lying even if we handed out the quotes,
and please dont tell the truth to slander my life of lies
because it could ****** well **** me,
it becomes a ticking time bomb making changes i really cant commit too,

i am soft,
she is hard,
and i slip through
the edges of a broken heart.

soft and red,
shadows  on our skin,
and i forget that hate doesnt,
exist here,
just softness and hard,
of warmth and scattered sheets,
and you wrap your limbs around me and i want to hold you there,
long nails that meet short fingers,
pillowed lips,
that meet up with chapped,
blind eyes, and eyes that can only cry,
the forgotten and the left over,

in the moments between awake and sleep,
you caress my eyelids as i drift
wrapped in memories of you.

i stole it.
i want it.
i want to keep it.
you have a home in me.

And i am angry,
i am scared,
i sleep in the despair of a prisoner,
in chains,
placed behind thick metal,

and i watch you lips move,
and i nod my head to acknowledge,
all the things you've said
to nod in response,

you continue on citing the injustice,
and you are so clearly justified,
but im hiding me now,

send your troops,
throw your deceiving hand grenades,
AT the way i live my life,
as I make plans to escape,
but i cant hold it,
my hurt my sorrow,
as you sling your words of poisonous hate,
you shake your head, you close your eyes,
im hesitating my hand it grip the door,

I know you. I know you well.
I know you in some ways more then i could ever know me.
I know the sting of your cancerous disease,
the bitterness that kills,
i know the stupor you drive yourself to,
I to forget,
if you only you weren't able to remember.

I run my hands over the scars,
remembering the pain,
scars you gave me,
yet never forgiven or forgotten,
I know the crevices of your heart,
ive seen the trenches of your despair,

I know the why's ,
I have felt the hows,

and when I leave I will take with me the something you never had,
you'll never have,
me.


I am running now.

This is the life of the living,
it's  the price i pay,
states, towns, rivers,
and canyons divide us,
but your breath is on my shoulder,
you blow hot air.

take.
it.



its all I have,
these words.
and I put these
words to paper,
but they are circling,
the garbage chute in my mind,
words I throw your way every time.

It was bonfires till the morning,
I wrapped up in the paleness of your skin,
and the embers darkening,
and camping in your backyard,
with you hands wrapped around me,
like you were falling,
but it wasn't you darling
I was the one falling,
into tenderness in sickness,
weakness attached to health,
and the regret of you existence,
married to the wealth of my emotions,
pressed tight between us,
was the seed of all my hope.

take it back.

I run my fingers over the scars,
that line your wrist,
and I smile,
thinking that they are parking spots,
for my wayward hands.

and your voice I hear it still,
and I follow the sound of your whispers,
dancing in the echo of my hollowed out heart,
and my innocence reverberates against all I know,
against all I know now.

we laid together under a canopy of stars,
and the fear of getting caught the mosquitoes of our existence.
we stood close to the fire hoping we'd get burnt,
seeking the danger in desire, just to feel,
and we exchanged hearts communicable disease...

the split wasn't even..
it never was.

his words they cut me,

and i am raw,
defenseless against his blade.

he puts me with his trinkets,
honors he has collected over the years,
and the award itself not the true intent,

just something to sit behind his back,
as he invites honored guests into the room,
"Be Hold" he says,

he plays the servant while maintaining he is the master,
he fools many with his charade.

i sit placid on his shelf head held high,
with sad eyes, and the scars our many
invisible to see under the layers i put on,

But my skin it is bruised,
but they do not see it,
and maybe they aren't looking
to concerned with the heads that roll.

**These words they matter,
don't they matter,
if only to relieve the unseen.

to say what i couldnt say,

what i couldnt say then,
just give me a moment
forgive me this stuttering heart,
and labored breath,
my hands they tremble,
but may my words strike true,
i am so into you,

and may my eyes lock yours,
to say what i couldnt say

i open these eyes
wide honesty and heart filled sincerty
i regard as i couldnt back then.
but its a slow death and im still breathing,
and yeah im breathing,
im breathing you in ,
warm summers and roses left forgotten,

have you forgetten the words that you have etched cross the travel ways of this wayward heart, forgiving and giving,
a poetic poison
of love leading
love leading me back to where we began.
to say what i couldnt say then,
i love you,
always and forever.

I want to bring it up
can we talk about it, like really,
till im ready to bring it all out,
I worry over the inconsistancies of my speech.

will I always be this broken?
will I always crave your touch late at night or early morning?
i watch the time crawl ,
and all i want to do is  crawl  back to you.

and im tired of waiting,
waiting for you to catch up
or get the hell out but your withdrawl could be the death of me
i wonder if this is me dying
me bruised and forever bleeding
here again im left blinded stumbling and crying.

and I sit you stand,
there's water racing down to the tile,
I wonder what the water gets to feel,
your dripping but you don't seem to mind,
you shudder and I look away,
I am afraid  to touch you,
I'm not sure I know how,
darkness cloaks the world outside,
but I still see you,
broken,
bruised,
bleeding,
you seem to shadow the things I hide,
and use this love you will,
but I don't breathe when you touch me,
I cant formulate thought,
I want to save you but I 'm drowning in emotion,
not enough for what you need,
you say,
nonchalantly,
"*******. m.e."
I tell you I haven't.
though I imagine she's a nice girl.
I avoid the command choosing to ignore your desire,
and squander  mine,
I don't know how to love you,
I just do,
why would you stay if it was in your power,
you opened a door,
I closed it, to afraid of the feelings that lurk,
on the edges of this fragile heart,
i keep you in the almost pile,
and maybe i was just your draft,
and under a starlit sanctuary,
with only hands to guides us maybe we too could be among,
the lost things.

cover up dear,you've got to remember the uglies.
she said.
but i strip.
and there is the wind ,
i hear the waves,
what comes will be the rain,
and i want it too,
impale me, strike me,
unleash its fury,
i know its free

i see her still,
backwards hick,
*******.
you do not know me,
you never wanted to
but i bring the uglies to the water
i strip because i was born to be inhabited
you cover me with the lies of your lovers lost
but i will not be defined by your backwards mind
the inverted hope you that you try to rip into me with
i dive into the sea it always welcomes me,
its my lost lover, it caresses me ,
it weaves around the tattered corners of my heart and heals the rough parts
i accept the waves as the rock me and i listen to the tempo and i move with in its embrace

"Just a Little"**
__________________
­and you sir, stir such memories ,
memories long forgotten
dormant once
but now alive and resurrected
and i cant help but remember you,
your memories pull me out of this grave i dug
and i dance smiling and you remembering,
our dance,
you smelled of exotic things,
and i was taken by your very essence
you reeked of forbidden sexuality
you bid me stay awhile as you spoke to me in your native tongue
and innocence my ever constant master
ask me again, now later, separated by time, by space, by oceans, and expirences
o and the temptation would be ever so high
come away with me you ask and i remember
and the memories are big,
but i play not the part i played then and you now are
forever gone
i wish to be your siren to the shore
i won't **** you i swear,
but you will come again and often wanting more
more time to spend with your once forgotten memory

i sit here, with one desire that opens to all others.
                      Warmth.
i just want your arms to encircle me,

just hold me till i melt,
and i am loose,
hold me till the tremors stop,
hug me till all my fears fade away,

let me rest upon your chest
and breathing in. and out.
over. and over.
as i embrace your warmth,
may the shivers stop.

Can we halt for just a moment,
and just breathe,
here,
together,
in this warmth filled bubble of protective silence,

in, out,
our chests rise and fall,
in sync,

And would you just hold this hand,
till you can give it to another

And i can't sleep tonight,
i can't find the  words to make this right.

Won't you stay? please don't fight.

I am not asking for what the others want,
just lay here, beside me, share with me your sunlight,
i'll  borrow some of your warmth, and tell me of your day of monotony,
long enough that my breath hiccups, long enough for you to pause.
to remember back to when,

she said, "its cold here"
it's always so cold,
its your warmth that left me,
and i struggle on.

all i wanted was to sit near you and feel your warmth,
and i don't want your touch,
that's not what i have come here for,
but i want the burning sensation of your warmth,
washing overme,
as the intimacy of your warmth melts me to the core,

why is it we can't hug without expecting more,
and i don't want you,
i just want you here beside me,
leg to leg,
as we melt together,
our desire to just breathe,
in ,out, in, out,
and hug me long till slumber grabs me strong.

and we are broken
long left forgotten
war stricken
his body a canvas of destruction,
blood drips from your brow
your clothes show of months
you could only survive
your feet,
knows well the feel of the earth,
your shoes,
bartered for things used up in moments,
and i would take care of you my love.
clothe you in my warmth
and dress you in my finest
offerings
I will take you,
i will set you by the fire,
my words your liquor, that invades your thoughts,
leaving you wanting,
wanting me ,
like , I, too want you.
your body,
the map,
shaped by the horrors you have endured,
but every ragged breath i breathe you breathe too,
and i thank god for the next.
I do.

November 18 - Tuesday

Wasted

I know it's true

you are in that place

between time and space

and it scares me to know

i can't reach you there

now that you've gone.

"she's gone gone gone"...

another moment,

stolen.

another moment,

taken.

and another chance thrown down

"Drink a little more, chug another down

till this pain you feel drowns"

(halting she whispers in the thin air )

and i just want something permanent something secure...

and each drop

is just another step

on a one way street , and i dead end alley

step.step.

drip.drip.

it becomes the same.

married in unison to the pain

you continue on getting so far away

arms outreached you walk with a vengeance against you

drip. drip.

unreachable things become just another unspeakable

i may never say this and you remember it

You are so focused on the WASTING

and i yell to you as you walk this one way street alone

(whispering she says) but i love you please please

make it home .



* *the empty bottle you climbed into isn't the place you belong though it's familiar it's wrong

your love had limits.

your love,
wrapped in warmth,
soft socks,
long sweaters,
tea,
long chapters,
your love,
in degrees.

I fall deep in your love
in time with the seasons.

SPRING
brings
green tea and growth
between
the YOU
and the ME,
SUMMER
shines
and we heat up the sheets,
once used for mere sleep,
my fingers dance up your spin,
you give love to me every time,
but you don't know what you want
I know what I want.
I want you. I want you to be Mine.

and this is the FALL,
burnt orange,
crimson red,
life dying,
leaves falling,
Im constantly calling,
your name in the  littered streets cloaked in decay,
and the leaves their dying,
I am falling ,
over the edge,
over your edge,
down your walls,
I reach for your heart,
hearts beat,
beat.beat.
I listen to your feet pound the earth escaping sunsets, to sunrise,

And I am surprised after every time,
you pass on the Raggedy Ann,
and I boycott the bands you introduced me too,
though the melody already bleeds in me,
I feel the cold of winters fingers,
causing my hold on you to break,
my hold on truth to shatter,
it doesnt seem to matter
you ripped out my organs
and you are gone gone gone.

we live as opposites,
my words and I,
and we shape one another,
in our struggle to survive,
and we are different,
my words and I.*

I hold my arms out,
to carry you,my love,
But I am screaming, NO!
against you,
against all the things you've put me thru.

It is simple,
but you complicate this,
breath,
in/out/in/out

I squeeze my eyes shut,
against the vision of your scars,
I ball my fists in effort,
straining against your gravity pull,
I ball my fists to end,
what would be another chapter,
never ending, falling deliciously,
falling into what I have always known.

you wrap your hands
around my ever growing waistline,
yet I am beautiful,
you told me so,

or was that a lie,
and where do the truth and your lies separate or are they the same now,

do you know the honesty you lack,
and maybe i find that attractive,
do I?
how could I not know you were incapable of truth telling,
bi personality,
a hybrid disease of acquiescing all that you seem,
and I've believed you,

what does that say of me?

and there are so many emotions,
plastered to these thoughts,
I can't even begin to unravel,
and it's a pity...

anger.
hurt.
pain.
sorrow.
rejection.
confusion.

and for every truth,
you sandwhiched it betwixt the lies.

It's circular this argument,
me against you,
me against the me with you,
me against the me with out you.
I am so hurt,
I am so angry,
I want to invent new words to balm this wound,
to invent them to curse you,

I want to twist the knife out of my back,
and put the words back into yours,

The complex and simple thing that love is you will never know,
you don't even  have a  clue.

Jade... your jaded,
and I'll erase you,
erase your uncertainties in all your lies,

And all you were and ever going to be is part of the past,
destined to die in the dust of someone who has forgotten you,
but you will never forget.

And there are days where that's all you are,
but i don't wish that on you.
I just wish you gone.
After all that's what you've always been good at.

she whispers words I've read,
she sings them in my head,
she dangles truth and tells me lies,
and I dance for her after every time,

and we are okay,
because she says she's mine,
I sway,
she pines,
and we do this all the time,
she shakes me,
and I find her laugh can wake me,
just as every lie could break me,
and it's madness,
this sadness,
but she says it's
love,
but I don't know how to tell,
there are days I skim this hell,
and I wonder of another heaven,
where the sickness of your mind,
actually leaves you well,
this is my heaven,
it just happens to be mostly dark,
and only sometimes light.

but you make me feel
                                      
                                          BRIGHT.VISIBLE.WANTED.

I'VE NEVER BEEN WANTED.

*you call this love but I can't tell.

and stars dance across your limbs,
and I trace the patterns on your skin,
jumping from brown star to brown star,
I begin to wonder who you really are,
and that's when I travel north,
you make time for me to breathe and
I continue on,
and I see your eyes,
planets of your soul,
and all the regions of your heart,
displayed on the big orbs,
that are framed by the loveliness of you face.