he makes me feel like beyonce,
volumptous and wanted,
like he'd wanna be the blanket to hold all my curves.
and he takes control when im too nervous to even breathe,
and my backs to him but i dont feel the need to look behind me to see if he'll catch up because he... he's already there
he holds me tender,
and sometimes he grasps like his afraid id leave him, almost like i could slip through his arms.
i poke fun at the gentle men tendicies he attributes to his mum,

sometimes though i wonder if i can trust him
i wonder if he s real
and maybe im just used to the more rough around the edges, fake it till you can take it,  and when you got it drop it -love con artists that steal away moments of your life like bites
off your aorta
But you're smooth babe and rounded fitting into all my weird niches

I love how you go after the things you want.
2.I love how you strive to be better person,daughter,sister ,friend.
3.I love how you don’t allow fear of the unknown to go after your dreams.
4.I love how I don’t have to explain myself, but you listen when I feel like I need to.
5.I love how you are the most non-judgmental person I know.
6.I love how you can quote historical facts without provocation.
7.I love how you love music, and you get it when I love it too.
8.I love how research and how detailed you can be when you plan.
9.I love how dedicated you are to doing well in school.
10.I love how you remember things, in such a detailed way, in a way I never could.
11.I love how much you care about your family.
12.I love how you respect life and try to cherish every moment.
13.I love how you love me, even when I don’t.
14.I love your cute little hands and your little fingers.
15. I love how you can type so fast. I've always envied that.
16 I love how you cut through verbal garbage, especially when its mine.
17.I love your quiet wisdom. It helps me in life's storms.
18.I love how even when you're right, you stay humble. You never say I told you so.
19. I love your humbleness, even when there is so much you could be proud for.
20.I love your offerings. How whenever you're around, you are intentionally present in mind and you are bringing everything to the table to help or contribute just to make the person know you care.
21.I love how you can remember actors I know nothing about.
22.I love how you love me enough, to ask what I want.
23.I love your generous spirit, giving and giving and giving, not only to the people you love but to people who have hurt you.
24.I love how you ask me questions and LISTEN to my answers.
25.I love how you inspire me to be a better person. To do my best and to give more of me.
26.I love how you get so interested in things I never thought would be exciting. (sorry. History. I can’t remember half of it which makes it hard to get interested in it.)
27.I love you and how you have been through so much but haven’t let it steal your joy.
28.I love how we can sit in silence and not need to fill it.
29.I love how I don’t have to talk  but you know how I feel.
30.I love your style, and your beautiful hair.
31.I love how you aren’t afraid to wear what’s comfortable to you.
32.I love how freaking adorable you are in grandpa sweaters.
33.I love how comfortable you are with yourself.
34. I love how honest you are even when it doesn't benefit you.
35.I love how you’re not afraid to let me see the emotions you feel.
36. I love how real you are.
37.I love how you don’t sugarcoat things,how you deliver truth with grace.
38. I love how you  make sense of things I can’t even begin to understand.
39. I love your strength and how you help me to be strong.
40. I love your courage to try new things.
41. I love how you become an advocate for the people you love.
42. I love how you try to understand things that others are unwilling to acknowledge.
43. I love how you think so much, and how thoughtful you can be.
44. I love how hugging you feels like home.
45.  I love how you are shamelessly devoted to pop culture trivia.
46. I love how smart you are and that you are confident enough to show it.
47. I love how passionate you get about the things that interest you.
48. I love how you are so loyal.
49. I love how you listen to my fears and don’t laugh or try to placate me.
50.I love how you support me and continue to encourage me to find the way to my dreams,.
51.I love how you intentionally go out of your way to include me and others into your life.
52.I love your determination to live this life in this best way possible.
53.I love how detailed you can be.
54.I love how organized you can get.
55.I love how you can plan and execute things so well.
56. I love your truthfulness and honoring our friendship with honesty.
57.I love how you are so patient with me when I don’t understand.
58.I love how you believe the best of me.
59. I love how you work so hard for the life you want.
60. I love how you can discuss two sides of things without forgetting how you stand.

and you don't live near me anymore,
we go weeks and months,
without talking,
but I love you still,
and I always will.

cover up dear,you've got to remember the uglies.
she said.
but i strip.
and there is the wind ,
i hear the waves,
what comes will be the rain,
and i want it too,
impale me, strike me,
unleash its fury,
i know its free

i see her still,
backwards hick,
*******.
you do not know me,
you never wanted to
but i bring the uglies to the water
i strip because i was born to be inhabited
you cover me with the lies of your lovers lost
but i will not be defined by your backwards mind
the inverted hope you that you try to rip into me with
i dive into the sea it always welcomes me,
its my lost lover, it caresses me ,
it weaves around the tattered corners of my heart and heals the rough parts
i accept the waves as the rock me and i listen to the tempo and i move with in its embrace

MrRight or maybe now or later
Dear Mr.Right,

I think I understand now.

And I get it .

We sit waiting.
Seconds.minutes.hours. days.
For the someone in our life to complete us,

to wrap our wounds and mend our hearts.
To laugh at the jokes  we tell even when they aren’t funny. no especially when they aren’t funny.

To challenge us and to make us forget, but allow us the space to remember.

To know when we want to be held,

but don’t know how to ask,

a mate,

a lover,

a friend.

And we wait.

Believing and hoping they will come and rescues us from the tower,

to fight off the demons and the dragons of the mundane day to day life.

And to win our hand, for rescuing us.

And we sit and wait as we expect them to tear down the walls of our imprisonment whether mental or concrete,

as we become less,

we become dormant,

when we have been given the same tools and opportunities to tie up the bed sheets or cascade our hair down, to escape,

to be free, wasting away in the waiting

I want to warn you

I am not sitting on my bed waiting,

do not look for me in the kitchen making the pies to appease your hunger,

I am out collecting treasures,

and having adventures,

and making memories

with hook and finding my way with pirates,

and traipsing with sinners while believing in saints,

you wont find me with apple scented skin but maybe lemons,

or grass,

or the sea salt ocean

or dandelions,

because I am lying in the meadow looking up at the stars breathing in cold air,

and thinking of you

but you will not find me waiting for the world to be put back on its axis or ask atlas to put down his burden,

im not running away, but Im not waiting in a tower held high above life.

Ill be among the disciples and the hipsters, brushing off the mud of my jeans and rolling down hills with children,

kissing boo boos  and fighting my own demons.

And one day we’ll meet and I ll ask you where were you when I was waiting and maybe you will say looking for you. or maybe you’ll say I was waiting for you. And we’ll be happy to find each other.

I will not let life pass me by while i am waiting, but Ill put pieces of me in all my letters left to tell you of my adventures,

If you thought Id be less pirate more princess I’m sorry to say maybe it’s better this way. I am not dormantly waiting,I want too much for that, I  want to know me before I find you. I want to be single and appreciate the entire bed and not having to share, to look in the mirror and to know my own worth and beauty, and maybe these things will come later in life before or while you are around. I know not your name or the hour in which we’ll meet but tonight I’m thinking of you. Catch me of you can.

with a smile,
a wink,
the rapt attention
I bestow,
I give love to strangers
people who don't ever catch my name, who dont stop long enough to
I give love to fantasy people cardboard cutouts who my be real in front of me but have no knowledge,
of my war,
the inner struggles  that cause ravage in my soul
ridden cage,
I give love to strangers people that wont remember,
that wont recall
the stretch of my smile or the thickness of my thighs
I give love to the mail man,
push it out over my hands, to blow kisses into his face
it wraps around his chin and climbs up the gap and sits on his cheeks,
rosy and stained,
I give love to the children being yelled at two cars behind me in the drive thru line,
I love you, I don't know why she's acting like this but boys one day youll know she loved you,
but she was broken and tired with excuses
I give love to the man who sits by me, rattling the table so badly with his shakes,
and the ever scent rolling off his clothes,
that smell like broken promises leading up to his broken home,
I love you,
I give love to the strangers rich or poor broken scattered collected gathered,
I give love to faceless people, the ones who fight overseas,
never knowing me,
I give love to strangers,
because I cant seem to use it on me.

because when I turn it to me,
the light burns the whispers screams,
the love too tight,
hugs too close,
kisses too intense,
love too much,
oil over water and blood,
lotion over bones,
its too hot for the cold

and I write them.
love letters to strangers,
I support the troops,
I organize a drive,
I make out letters to faceless people,
knowing not the strength of their smile,
but imagining the topography of their hearts,
of their hearts,
I pencil out conversations,
that don't matter,
in order that they know that they matter,
if only to me,

I compliment strangers,
I tip more then the bill,



and I am a face less white girl,
who seemingly has got her things in order,
see my left hand, I've hid my right.
and as they rationalize these random acts of kindness
the gestures,
that I want to matter,

I wonder if they think of me?

I write love letters to strangers,
because their easier to love,
then myself,
I write love letters to strangers,
because I 'm not willing to start one to me.

I feel out the landscape of your heart,
and I know it more than this old soul,

and we trace the contours of the in between,
and we don't even want breath,
we exchange our airy breath,
like sailors lose their voices to the waves,

I fall into you like this is all there ever will be,
like I'm supposed to,
Though words, that could define us is,
what we truly seek.

We dare not speak,
we grow to fear,
the indifference of the words said,
launched without thought,
that could,
that would,
pierce the world we live,
and in this moment,
i could die knowing
I drowned in you love dear,
and that would be enough.
You'd be enough.

We sleep on couches,
we know the floor,
but with you,
my reality is a castle with secret gardens,
a sleeping beauty, awake.

and I want to bake in  the sunshine of your love dear,
pull down the covers,
and awake love.

I've counted the hours.
I've paid my time.
Willingly knowing, that there's the sun
at the end of the tunnel,
I fight the muck, I fight the mire,
May we never tire my love.

i sit here, with one desire that opens to all others.
                      Warmth.
i just want your arms to encircle me,

just hold me till i melt,
and i am loose,
hold me till the tremors stop,
hug me till all my fears fade away,

let me rest upon your chest
and breathing in. and out.
over. and over.
as i embrace your warmth,
may the shivers stop.

Can we halt for just a moment,
and just breathe,
here,
together,
in this warmth filled bubble of protective silence,

in, out,
our chests rise and fall,
in sync,

And would you just hold this hand,
till you can give it to another

And i can't sleep tonight,
i can't find the  words to make this right.

Won't you stay? please don't fight.

I am not asking for what the others want,
just lay here, beside me, share with me your sunlight,
i'll  borrow some of your warmth, and tell me of your day of monotony,
long enough that my breath hiccups, long enough for you to pause.
to remember back to when,

she said, "its cold here"
it's always so cold,
its your warmth that left me,
and i struggle on.

all i wanted was to sit near you and feel your warmth,
and i don't want your touch,
that's not what i have come here for,
but i want the burning sensation of your warmth,
washing overme,
as the intimacy of your warmth melts me to the core,

why is it we can't hug without expecting more,
and i don't want you,
i just want you here beside me,
leg to leg,
as we melt together,
our desire to just breathe,
in ,out, in, out,
and hug me long till slumber grabs me strong.

maybe we met and I , I forgot.

I am unashamedly Ashley. At least that's what "hellopoetry" calls me. Tumblr calls me "vesperoflove", but if you really knew me you'd drop off the glitz and just call me "Ash".

And here we are sitting on the subway and something about you makes me want to open up. Maybe it's the way you smile or the wrinkles you get when you are trying not to. But I look into your eyes and you hold my gaze, and I like that. You aren't staring at me like I am worthless piece of trash nor have you look at me like I am a piece of ***, you are just looking into my eyes. I am flattered by the attention, I might stumble over words, and your interest might even cause me to blush. You ask to sit by me and I wave you in, and that's where this new chapter begins.

"Hi." I say working up the nerve to meet your gaze,and I blush, I am the abscence of your color and I stare down at my legs and as you rearrange yours to accommodate the length of your logs extensions of your long trunk, I note the contrast in appreciation.

And I get distracted by this, but you are asking me questions about my life and I try and dredge up silver lining in monotony of years.

    What have I done exciting?
    What do I hope to accomplish?
    Where do I see myself in the next five years?
    What do I want?
And that is only the tip of the Iceberg you have thrown in my lap.

Coming off as an host of a talk radio show, I ponder these illuminating thoughts.

And your probably not the first person to ask me these things, but right now its like I have never been truly asked.

I don't know why I haven't asked these things of myself.

But cargo doesn't ask or question. And maybe that's how I have been living my life.

Merely reacting to things that have happened in the past and in the present.

I would like to blame it on my poverty mindset. On the way I grew up. But then when does my accountability start.When do I get to make choices for me, and be held responsible.

At the age 18 when I can rent ****, buy stick de cancer?

What age do we become our own person, driven by our own desires?

But you aren't worried of the questions I haven't begun to ask and I like that.
I lean in closer hoping to gauge you reaction in your eyes.
I am known and you see me not as I am but what I could be and all the things I have yet to achieve do not mar your rose color glasses.

I find joy in the kindness of strangers and reprieve.

prelude
5 pages were blank the 6th written on...  
you wrote:                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                        *I love you.

You said that you didn't want to change are friendship
but you didn't think you could hide it anymore.
it was a summer night you held my hand,
you lead me to the tent you pitched in your back yard,
and i thought i could lay there, hidden in a tent with your arms wrapped around my waist,
but i wanted you to prove it,
maybe i just wanted to feel it,
you said, "ashley, breathe"
and your fingers found a way to cradle my head,
and to pull down the wall i peek through,
and your pink lips touched mine,
and i wonder sometimes if you would do it now,
how would i react or would i have set sail south
for you were always being kissed by the sun,
and I don't talk about it,
no body knows the places we traveled to,

And I find it here in the ashes,
as I’d follow your down to the earth,
I’d hear your breath, I feel the dirt,
and mosquito lands on me,
your lips met mine,
and I replay it over and over time.
And time is what I have given you.

i wanna tell someone about you,
the ghost of my summer girl,
always finds me sipping on the melancholy,
and dancing with the devils of chaos and confusion,

we don't talk.
we don't speak.
i wonder if you still seek for things you'd have to sneak,
in a tent in your own back yard.

i can't talk about you,
they haven't been around to listen,
but i still think of you.

And if we’d go back there and I couldn’t change this separation,
I know though the places I would have traveled,
I wear the skirts,
you fold the sheets,
and I miss the hands holding my waist.

you call it love and it’s become my torture.

And I know the outcome of this,
I know how much it will hurt when I land,
Bruised and bleeding,

But I want to wrap my love around you,
Warm you up,
From the mind
down
And Iwant to get dressed in your insides,
The things you ve learned to hide,

Will you let me crawl inside your head space,
And hallow out a place so we me meet beside,
Your ribs to my chest ,

I dance for you my love,
Longing to do more then entertain,
Allow me to wake the dormant feelings
You promised once you'd never feel again.

Because you carve at my insides,
You cause world of warcraft to begin in my stomach,
While mere heart mumurs increase too a caterwaling of my senses till
I am bankrupt of all sound, left with mountains heaving to breathe

And Ido learn to breathe,
Longing to inhale the poetry you produce
In the wake of trails tattoed by spidery fingers,
That prove to be more poisonous then 1st thought,
Leaving me captured,

And I'm sorry but we haven't yet met,
I really wish we had met,

But lover to love
here is the reciepe for my disaster.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

and he holds my hand

trusting ill understand

and i do.

"i miss my daddy" he says.

and i am honored to be the next best thing

and in his world i am

i look over his head to see the wasteland

that stretches  all  around us

but he cannot see it and for this i am so glad

we walk on, hand in hand

and i will not deny him that small comfort

of touch  not laced in anger or insult

just complete love.

he is so small though genetics say one day he'll tower over me

i look up its my duty but i dont forget our hands

    and i dont know him

    i dont know who he'll grow up to be

but he's worth my every worry

and all my sacrifice

and here the land is brittle , broken

with homes torn in two

and broken dreams lie left for dead in the street we walk

and i am his protector

though i will become everything he has need for

and i am aware of the ghost of yesterday who follows me

but it doesnt matter

nothing else matters but the strength of my love for him

o my baby boy.

07.26.1998
dear ashley,

you are beautiful, my fire fly,
i know you do not believe it now,
i know that this will be the year you are ordered to wear pants,
to feel the food you stuff into you,
and your parents will increasingly start to critique
all that you consume,
i know as things changed it was first about control,
then about coping, i know that now,
but how could you have known that it would become all consuming,
the need to feed,
like prey who bleeds,
you know the feeling of a sharks eating frenzy
im not writing you so that the burden you carry gains weight,

just to remind you that I love you,
all the parts of you that are growing and the things that are withering i pray that you hold on just a bit longer,
you see ,so much has happened since we last saw each other,
public school
private school
highschool
homeschool
private school
cyber school
university
hold on babe,
keep dancing in the rain,
bathe in sunlight like a beautiful blooming flower you are,
hold tight to your innocence,
know that you are enough,
that you can battle dragons and save prince charming,
know that you are strong,
that even as you battle your fears of
control,
of rejection,
inadequacy,
and displacement,
know that
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL STRONG COURAGEOUS SPIRITED SMART CREATIVE INTELLIGENT,
BUT MOST OF ALL
YOU ARE FOREVER LOVED
BY
YOUR FAMILY
YOUR FRIENDS
AND ME,
I know that you will have to make hard choices and the road to discovering who you are isn't going to be like the walks in the park that you and I both loved so much,
but babe you are capable and strong enough to handle the brick walls and speed bumps.
I love you,
Ashley Marie.

she speaks in rhymes and riddles
and i cant help but listen.

and i'm a mess of insecurity
wrapped up in a box of smoke and mirrors

and im putting you through the wringer
unsure of north or south

they say follow the constellations of your heart
yet we cant map out the stars,

I know that she finds safety with me,
though i'm unsure of how she decided that.

It's be lying,
they,
they lie,

saying don't ask
but,
please do tell?
you want the truth,
when it's,
convenient,
a fast food convenience,
not when its real,
not when it's raw.
you take the jersey shore,
to the feel of the jersey shore,
and ilk seeks out ilk,

and I become disgusted with your stance,
who'd you ****** with that crucifix today,
you wear white to herald your purity,
but you're covered in blood,
sticky matter that messes up your picket fence lifestyle,

"a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets"

and you are dying while your lying,
saying you're free of disease,

and what of the disease of your jealousy,
and it's eating at you.

You're a bitter wasteland of broken down homes,
and the shame isn't being broken,
were all walking 'round,
asunder,
blood drips off the things,
not already dead,
we've all got slivers splintering the ***** of our heart,
No judgement lies in the your fear, in the hypocrisy of your life.
You're so afraid to be seen,
you repress the memories,
to numb,
to destroy,
the humanity
  that could save you
    from the fall.

It was a sliding scale,
and its not,
we arent,
we love in fear,
or play out the jaded concept,
of what love is,
we avoid emotional intimacy,
like a ****** transmitted disease,
we bathe ourselves in,

and we are scared,
we chose the empties,
so desperately afraid of something whole.

we are the generation popping pills,
like the tic tacs of choice,
we numb ourselves to the point of loss,

BUT ITS OUR RIGHT! ITS OUR CHOICE.

and we lose consciousness while breathing in,
worrying about what we once were,
and what is now,
afraid of the dark, we try and bathe ourselves in flourecent light.

shackeled to the shame
of the emptuiness of our years,
pretend we dont hurt, push the feelings aside,
just to belong,
we love in fear,
to escape the consequence of decisions,
but we are forever deciding,
and indecision is a choice even though its still deciding,

lovers lost in a war,
fighting a battle of selective memory,
and we drink amnesia like it's the cure
(it isn't the cure)
and we give ourselves away,
without dictation of the currency,
in which we exchange,
and we'd be lying even if we handed out the quotes,
and please dont tell the truth to slander my life of lies
because it could ****** well **** me,
it becomes a ticking time bomb making changes i really cant commit too,

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

there are days where i don't speak
to see how long id go unnoticed
there's a world inside of me
waiting to be set free
set ... set me free...
as days get crossed off your list
and im just check mark
on another four page to- do
anorexia of mind
i feel myself shrinking there
and i am forgotten
like borrowed clothes you once washed
and there are words
here dormant and still covered
in the dust of unuse
and i am falling flailing failing
to right myself
safety eludes me
i grasp at broken shards trying ransom something solid.

I take the tags from the hook
I place it over my head it finds its spot
Right next to my beating heart,

When Iwake in the morning this
These tags the only link to your excistance,
But that can't be true,
That isn't true.

5 freckles across
And a few down,
I touch the scar like a dog ear ,
To mark history,
Like history Irepeat myself,
Mantras in my head pleading and repeating,
I circle  and dot things that have been eating me up
Hoping for the courage to finish true thought,
But the demons of fear that find me can't be bought,
And Ibegin  to play memories over and over,
Of times when you were here.

and I'm forever saying good bye,
and inventing new ways too,
and here you go again on your next big adventure,
saying your always safe,
but that's lying, your lying,
I can only guess what dangers stock you in the dark,
and the demons that plague you,
i dont know what plagues you,
you make them laugh,
im sure you do,

I'm inventing new ways to say goodbye,
and I just don't really want to do it this time.

you carried me home,
again,
I am inebriated on the cheapest liqueur,
you've done this before,
you've held me,
and if we had to walk you made sure,
you walked on the outside
you know me,
and my tendency to conduct
traffic in the middle of the street,

if we drove,
you,
made patterns on my back,
smoothing out my dress,
or collecting all that I have taken off,
like a jaded version of Hansel and Gretel,
you are always picking up the pieces of the crumbs i dropped,
you forever in the friend zone,
and I am continually putting on and taking off,
creating intricate dances for strangers,

and you catch me when I fall,
I am forever falling,
wandering the woods looking for danger,
or maybe just another way out,
I speak to witches,
you pray to Jesus,
I used to call him mine.
and you hold my hand,
when I began another round,
of self infliction,
another bout of self destruction,
you stay my sword,
swords that nick my wrists,
that have found home in obscure location
but can be found in any provocation.

you stay my hands,
allowing me to yell and scream,
allowing me my anger,
you know it's just misplaced,
and I am just struggling to deal,

I recreate wounds that never showed up,
play house with the demons,
as they remind me I have been beaten,
with the words of an abuser,
I felt the tainted touch of emotional vice.

but you follow me,
lovingly,
consistently,
like a chain wrapped rigid around your heart,
and I feel in foggy delay,
so intoxicated with the ghosts of things that fester,
you are the only one who keeps me safe.

And I have loved you, even when it seemed like I didn't notice,
I know you hold my hair when porcelain tattoos my skin
and I am making love to tiles on the floor.

and with any and all parts of me that are good,
they have lived and survived because of you,
living in the wasteland you have become my sun.

your grace and love carry me,
though I am not as strong yet to live for them,

you have shown unmeasurable kindness,
to me,
and my knight to beat back my darkness,
I may not say it,
I should just say it,

*I love you.Forever and always.

You said you had something to tell me,
that verbally it was just to hard.
And I loved that you'd confide in me,
and allow me entrance into the world of you,

six pages folded up tight,
and I wanted to tear the open to see what dark secret you'd share with me.


5 pages were blank the 6th written on...  
you wrote:                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                        I love you.


And in that moment all I allowed myself to think,
was that you wanted ME.
Of all people you were content and filled with joy,
secure in loving me.
I reread that note over and over,
memorizing each dip in the paper.

it was a summer night you held my hand,
you lead me to the tent you pitched in your back yard,
and i thought i could lay there, hidden in a tent with your arms wrapped around my waist,
but i wanted you to prove it,
maybe i just wanted to feel it,
you said, "ashley, breathe"
and your fingers found a way to cradle my head,
and to pull down the wall i peek through,
and your pink lips touched mine,
and i wonder sometimes if you would do it now,
how would i react or would i have set sail south for you were always being kissed by the sun,
and I don't talk about it,
no body knows the places we traveled to,



I'm certain you never knew what love is
and you certainly didn't know how to love me.
Later I would voice the doubts and the regret,
but secretly want another chance with you,
you were my first kiss, haven't another since,
first relationship,
though you'd be hard pressed to call it that.
I haven't ever even dated.

You stole my innocence the moment,
I awoke to you sitting up in the bed we shared,
with you smoking,
a cigarette,

But you said you loved,
as a tool to manipulate,
not because it was true,
and I loved you as you needed but you wanted more,

she isn't in my life right now.
I made that decision long ago but her ghosts still chills me,
and I remember tents in backyards,
and stuttered breath like Morse code across your skin.

      
my ragged breath,
exhale and inhale,
things to remember
you slide closer,
and I am a frost princess,
you hold me with just a stare.
I dared you and not one to back down,
you rose to the challenge of,
taking my lips and melding them with yours,
and I am unaccustomed to the value you place,
and the reverence and gentleness you posses,
in one motion of your fingers
that dance across the freckles of my hand,

I don't want to feel this but your hands,
take purchase of my hips,
and my lips haven't been kissed before,
and I am addicted to the power you give me,
in just your gaze,
and you tell me you love me.

back before the kiss
before we started to hangout again,
since we left the gray and maroon lockers,
of a school we refused to be broken in.
I remember when.

and that's the place,
where I go,
the mind nestles before it goes to bed,
and I struggle against your hold even now,

i show my neck

I trace the scars,
tokens,
of affection left,
for me.

And I wonder if you've,
if you were ever loved,

and I feel the brush of constant disappointment,
that lap over your soul,

and you'd erase it if you could get your weapon to reach,
and you talk with demons,
while they haunt me in my sleep.

and everyday I try to draw,
strength from those who prove to be strong,
and the memories a litany,
an unsung song.

I can't write it down,
I can't seem to spell it out

and we don't talk about it,
but I want to.

And he turns to me in the voice of an elder and says " hierarchy of the dichotomy of good in evil is not to be thought of lightly , you don't know what you ask, its not that simple."*

You sir forget what you once knew, you love not who you loved back then,
you forgot that veils been broken and the truth is that simple.
im sorry you've forgotten the overwhelming feeling of love in your creators arms
but i have not forgotten and i pray i never will
i grapple with your inability to love,
did you not know your maker
were you taught so much of the *LAW you learned to be as everyone becomes
apart of the dust
another faker
life cant be computed in binary supposition however of this i know.

You inhale my innocence like it was a drug,
you tear it off me,
just like the new shoes I scraped up to buy,

and you say "but baby,babe, I love you",
and you'd find all the touch points,
to give me a heart attack,

and I said " but mama, mama,
he said he loved me."

I'm sure he loves me.


And she'd start off with the little things,
sightings of him and a barbie in a dress,
and then she'd build up,
incantations of dancing with the devil,

But his hands held me.
His hands, they held me, unafraid,
of the walls I resurrected or the fear and confusion I could infuse.

left,right,left,right.

He undressed  me with his eyes,
and with his words he'd dress me up,
but the demons of the day,
play nice up in till dark.

1.2.3.4.4.3.2.1.

His hands, they held me.
They spun me circling around,
and pulled me back in.
Close.chest to chest.
They rubbed my back,
they lifted my head.

And you came to me broken,
like broken glass.
You were broken but gentle in remorse, and liquid guilt,
bruised and body beaten,
I covered you,
pulled together and tug the warmth off my body and laid it over you.
You shivered, trembling, I asked if you were still cold.

It's getting cold now,
I still wonder if your soul still wanders,
I wonder if your still freezing.

I've poured out the hot cocoa,
and I've locked all the doors.

You will not find comfort in me anymore.

and You make deals with the devil,
to bring up memories of me,

But I'm done, doing the damsel
and you are left with your disease.

and we lay pressed together,
he tries to teach me the dialect
of butterfly kisses,
and being so close,
we are no longer a landscape of two mountains and valleys moving,
but we are one,
and its so warm and comforting to feel his weight as he weighs on me,
and he still needs to be closer,
wrapping compact muscles,
around my stumps for legs,
and he is sticky fingers, that bestow solemn pinky promises,
half attempted secret whispers yelled across the room,

he is a sweet sunrise,
when all you have ever known is the blistering loneliness of night.
He is not afraid to talk and to share his thoughts,
and there are moments, snapshots of my failing infrastructure,
that lashes out at his incessant nature, me willing him to stop.

He discusses my beauty with strangers and mid thought tells me that I am so very beautiful,
and when he says it I believe it.

he falls asleep like one who is proud to tell anyone listening he is 3 and a half he had to add.

i wish he were mine,
mine to keep,
mine to trully love,
but I'm just make believing playing wifey to families,
with no need,

but right now its just
you and me
and the me I am with you,
and in this moment i hold your small 3 year old hands in my hand,
and its enough to be.

and stars dance across your limbs,
and I trace the patterns on your skin,
jumping from brown star to brown star,
I begin to wonder who you really are,
and that's when I travel north,
you make time for me to breathe and
I continue on,
and I see your eyes,
planets of your soul,
and all the regions of your heart,
displayed on the big orbs,
that are framed by the loveliness of you face.

my body a home best lived in.
babe, my  body is a home best lived in.
worn and weathered,
it sways,
dancing in the wind storms,
bowing at snow flakes that pile on,
I shudder, I moan,
like me this house is living,
it breathes hot air in the summer months,
takes purchase of the rain,
it takes whats given,
you mend,
I leak,
I shatter,
my boards squeak, protesting your arrival,
but you aren't put off by the walls i raise,
you fix my windows wipe the mist that streams,
you serenade me with your sorrows,
you lament I cave,
you know my crooks,
youve etched the crannies,
you drop the glass,
you carve out space,
you box up my insides,
making it a more convient display,
Is that what this is? Is that what Ive become?
A convenience store home,
in which you hope to barter,
with a smile or a touch with a slip of kindness,
an I.O.U. of commercialized grace,
If my love was a stream, you'd bottle it up and send it to another factory to be, another product,
of a good conquest,
I'm just another good conquest,
what have you gained?
o my... what have I lost?
what do I have left of me?
have you seen my broken pieces?

abba hold my heart
Monday, February 8

heart to head its the perfect constellation you said
and we sail the waters questioning the wind
but we travel on , we fail to stop riding the tumultuous waves
and i grow weary of the fight, living in the center of the war
i bleed yet stand guard,
i am placid but it is a forgery

my eyes though they are my greatest foe
the betray the climate of my heart
weary my soul wanes,
and how long do my cries fall on deaf ears
and are they deaf or do they hear and absorb what i cannot say
and maybe your listening so intently
and maybe im speaking so loud
and screaming its hitting an octave higher
and im wailing heralding my mistreatment
but maybe your just whispering more then i can hear
i love you my child i have always loved you
i am here i am holding you
rest in me , dont you know your in my every thought that its you i put first


and my weeping is loud now , i cant hide the sound, the whimpering
and i am wounded, the tears crimson stain the floor, i face the corner ashamed of the emotion
hurt
pain
stretching
change
cold
shallow breaths and cold air
my throat constricts
like a boa thats caught the prey
and my throat is ******
i cannot speak
i whimper
sound escapes but not discern able
and in all this i think of another in all this i think of you
and i know i have it easy that their are others
that have so so much less
and i an American do not know true poverty
that i do not know true war
i do not know what its like to not have water... or to live days without a cardboard cut out of real food and i know it
but i still ache
and my tears they fall

you wrap your hands
around my ever growing waistline,
yet I am beautiful,
you told me so,

or was that a lie,
and where do the truth and your lies separate or are they the same now,

do you know the honesty you lack,
and maybe i find that attractive,
do I?
how could I not know you were incapable of truth telling,
bi personality,
a hybrid disease of acquiescing all that you seem,
and I've believed you,

what does that say of me?

you focus on the pills,
I try to stop the fading,
I've been fading,

and the thing that breaks my heart the most,
is You love me with your demons,
and I take it in,
I take you in.
every time.

and there's bruises on my arm love,
from another fight once one,
just to be lost again.

And you, you find lovers in smoke covered rooms,
and the demons run rampant,
and you leave me,
worrying at home,
all alone,
ever alone.

You say,"you do not own me, you cannot control me"

and you carry you modge podge jaded notions of romance,
around like it's a suitcase, to wear and tear,

but you light my fire from the outside in,
proving your the one to make me feel,
you smile like the crooked monster you've become,
now your smiles don't even meet my eyes,

and "baby baby baby..."
you promise me rainbows and picket fences after every time.
its the line, I've bought it,
and for every step you take a yard,

there are scars to prove it,
I have scars to prove it.

And there are days i wear them like stitches,
they hold the broken pieces
of this broken heart,

still there are other days where the light of a new days dawning,
and I can pass the etch a sketch on my skin
as creative badges,
ugly to be sure,
reluctant trails to nowhere safe,
and lines to color in.

BUT I refuse to be your prisoner, so please sir, watch me leave.

grit like sand (take 2)
Sunday, August 22

they said of her...

    damaged.broken.breakable.unfixable.

    ****** to be all that she feared

stuck in the wasting

     they called her hope-less



she had hope before she grew

she carried it around at every turn of celebration

and in her heart she felt that cancer

knowing all to well the divison

a chamber for john and another for judas

judas walked behind her in shroud of darkness

knowing her all to well, keeping  parts of her  entrapped  in all her vices

yet he sang songs of sweet melodies

his counterpart's room painted in the naked truth

layed wake to the quiet and the loud noises of her soul

in this room she found deep sorrow that was married to great joy

it was a foundational healing cloaking her body like a protective shield

here her body laid in the litter of broken dreams and empty nights

this room used to be a temple but now the remnants of a broken down home

a thing she once knew

Tuesday, February 2

we hold hands as we see the world below our feet
and are hands meet
and i don't think
i never think only till later
bruised and forever bleeding
my wounds are internal
you'd think they'd notice
or have i gotten better at pretend?
my body more of a tomb then
the supposed birthing womb
and its my duty to bring and share the life i cant feel
my duty and your expectation of archaic womanhood clash with my unrelenting desire to be free
from your tendency to pierce me with the conclusion i am of no use anymore
i always wondered why you had so many things, but really you don't
those are the dolls that clutter life you no longer give the time of day
but the stuff you collect sticks to you like a magnetic crane in a junkyard you dangle you prize possession
not caring if it falls
for the gifts are replaceable
you'll settle for warm sheets and a bed to be
and it doesn't matter who you hurt

your love had limits.

your love,
wrapped in warmth,
soft socks,
long sweaters,
tea,
long chapters,
your love,
in degrees.

I fall deep in your love
in time with the seasons.

SPRING
brings
green tea and growth
between
the YOU
and the ME,
SUMMER
shines
and we heat up the sheets,
once used for mere sleep,
my fingers dance up your spin,
you give love to me every time,
but you don't know what you want
I know what I want.
I want you. I want you to be Mine.

and this is the FALL,
burnt orange,
crimson red,
life dying,
leaves falling,
Im constantly calling,
your name in the  littered streets cloaked in decay,
and the leaves their dying,
I am falling ,
over the edge,
over your edge,
down your walls,
I reach for your heart,
hearts beat,
beat.beat.
I listen to your feet pound the earth escaping sunsets, to sunrise,

And I am surprised after every time,
you pass on the Raggedy Ann,
and I boycott the bands you introduced me too,
though the melody already bleeds in me,
I feel the cold of winters fingers,
causing my hold on you to break,
my hold on truth to shatter,
it doesnt seem to matter
you ripped out my organs
and you are gone gone gone.

and I am remade,
that's the beauty of us,
having never met,
before this moment,
and this moment lays out in front of me,
and I am as I want to be,

not so much as beautiful,
but put together,
and on time,
clean lines,
and calculated responses,
I am currently better than maybe you expected,
and I exceed my expectations of the me I  was before we met,
and I am glad,

I feel confident,
if only in this moment,
and I find peace in the projection of who I wanna be,
and  having just met you,
I find joy in knowing you haven't met my past,
because in such a small space of time,
I haven't failed you,
yet...

take.
it.



its all I have,
these words.
and I put these
words to paper,
but they are circling,
the garbage chute in my mind,
words I throw your way every time.

It was bonfires till the morning,
I wrapped up in the paleness of your skin,
and the embers darkening,
and camping in your backyard,
with you hands wrapped around me,
like you were falling,
but it wasn't you darling
I was the one falling,
into tenderness in sickness,
weakness attached to health,
and the regret of you existence,
married to the wealth of my emotions,
pressed tight between us,
was the seed of all my hope.

take it back.

she says she isnt a good person,
and i wonder at her crimes,
thru the doors of my jail cell,
i wonder of her crimes,
she sits in the green grass head down,
unless people walk by,
and only does she lift her head up to sneak a glance at me,
and to stare down anyone looking.

she wraps her hair around her ear,
she has such little ears,
to small to let her in on my own fears,
and im crazy about her,
crazy with out her,
and im not sure she knows,
she'll quote me 7 years this Sunday,
and i see the way she looks at me,
another stray to love and pray for,
i wonder if she knows i claw at raw parts,
im forever biting the inside of my lip,
praying she wont see that im another sinking ship,
thrown around like forgotten luggage in a the sea of broken things
sinking,
i flay the parts of me that is to thick to conform and straighten out,
i wrap weights around my body,
so scared to float past the never ending stream of failed dreams,
i scratch,
i gnaw
i fester
i bleed out,
and anything i have left i give it to you,
anything good left i borrowed from you,
but how much can you take,
you are carrying me but im just dead weight.

Homeless love.
Tattered looks
Paper back books
Stolen moments of peace in a jungle of brick and motar
Stone and deep seeded money
We are the pennies of the society dropped and looked over spared a glance we are blighten a blight on a commericial society of prada bags
But we wear the tattered rags of humanity best left overlooked
Blaming it on the overlooked
They see us as they overcooked but  they come to us in need place your order,but dont give to us
Pack mauls to your desire your disgust pale only to your addictive desire.. but i dont live here im just white girl passing thru.

I am hungry i think as i lock eyes with you
i tap my feet hoping your questions will be enough to spring forth the rhythm of a vibrant relationship
ask me how
care about the whys

and you do care for me
protectively

but i am struggling stubbornly with wanting to tell you how to love me
and the stubborn belief that i shouldnt have to tell you how

and this is the new chapter called the firsts
and i want you to be curious bout me
and jealous when you know
i want to tell you
but dont you see
youve got to be the one to ask me.

You were the words I couldn't say.
the words i still can't seem to manage,
and you knew them,
you could whisper them to me like pillow talk secrets,
pressed together tight between sighing information
but you are only one part of me,
the right atrium when what I really needed was the left.
you get me but your not what I need.

and i begin to resent that the notion,
that you'd say you were my best,
but your not,
you won't be,
you aren't.
Its not even vanity if I were to say that,
soberly,
The best of you is me.
time would tell you what others do not,
intentionality would broadcast the truth in the lies,
I don't expect roses,
in scripted jewelry,

just for you to think and intentionally remember me.
an aorta to your heart,
an elixir to allow you to breathe,
remember me.
when you reach for the next long legged cigarette,
with the the tattooed sleeve wrapped round his neck,

Remember me.
Because I do not forget you.

crawl up my skin, sit here beside me,
will you listen?
listen to my heart break,
listen to the sad songs I'm still trying to write.

just stop,
here.
be here.
with me,
turn off the thoughts of you just for a moment,
and listen to me,
I stop for you,
and the world will spin without your finger tips pressed to plastic,

Gosh,
I am screaming in this silence,
I filled this canyon with thoughts of you,

I defense.. I mean I defend. for you, I do.
I put it away,
and I shove it all down,
saying I am fine,
wish you put up a hand,
to find mine,
and we're laying in the dark now,
I've forgotten how to speak,
and there is time but I am weak,
you haven't tended to me.

but I've quieted these demons,
heart,
I've pushed me aside,
"I always value your life over mine"

And he presses up against me,
and I can feel my heart bouncing in my throat,
he's snakes his hands around me,
making it
difficult,

to breathe,

to think,

to process information,

to comprehend the words,
that flow,

I follow the dance of his,
tongue,
and I am sluggish,

I am inebriated,
in desire, left in the wake....  

....... wake
to the sound of my alarm,
and I curse,
the cruel,
ways my,
mind,
plays,
tricks,
on the me,
I am unguarded,
in sleep,

a wake,
I am strong,
and I can ignore,
the "lonelies",

he say's anxiety,
is misplaced trust,


but I'm trusting,
others have forsaken what was to be the goal,
but I'm still waiting,
I'm here.
waiting,

like a landmark,
against a tsunami,
I'm here waiting,

God had seven days to create all we,
know, can't wait to see what,
he has in store,
20 years and more,

I'm waiting for the hands that shaped me,
to place me.


and I'm still here,
I'm waiting.

I hide under the covers,
trying to control my breath,
I know you hear me,
but you allow me this moments
panic,
this moment it's thoughts,
you allow me this moment,
and I can't help but remember,
that,

you give me the choice,
you allow me the decision,
you give me your beating heart,
and say do what you will,

and I do what I will,
because I can't decide what to do when I am standing over the edge of a canyon,
and all I want to do is fly,

you allow me this moment,
to see everything we are,
and everything we are not,

and underneath these covers,
it is warm,
but I feel the cold air find me as,

the tenor of the room changes,
and I'm so afraid I won't be,
enough,
that the experiences that litter your past,
will call you their lover again,

I'm so afraid of losing you,
I'm pushing you out the door,

And I meet your eyes one last time,
and their is ocean in turmoil
and I am the one who churned the waters,
but I know someone's calling your name in the distance,
even though they might never call mine.

don't bother to hold me hair.
and ****** why do I feel the need to lock you out,
I don't want to have to share.
I don't.

I have carried you on my back,
trying to help you,

and now I am empty and I can't focus on your pain
like you want me to,
I'm empty and I feel the harsh brush of bitterness climbing up my throat,
to form the acid on my tongue,
and I bite it back,
but my insides rage war,

And I love you.
we've been through,
death,
divorce,
****,
***,
Sarah,
but I'm...
barely breathing,
and I'm not sure you're seeing me anymore,
this breath is waning and I can't focus on you,
any more
or maybe it's so hard to past the news feeds of your life,
I resent that I have to ask you, to care about me,
I thought you know me,
but maybe you know the "me",
I used to be.

and can I just say whats on my heart,
I wish I didn't have to teach you how to love me,
you get me on so many many levels,
but jump back to the basics,
I dont want to be the supply and demand of my own needs,

You say you've never felt more closer but I'm not sure if you know I breathe.
I want more from you then this, how many times have a put your needs before mine,

And I can't do it this time,
and find love,
in life's leeches,
thinking I'd be the cure,

and have sat and rage war beside you,
but my insides hide,

you're hurting me cuffing my wrist chaffing this heart
and I'd burn this if it didn't help the bleeding of  my heart

i'm sorry all I want is for you to be
happy but all i see is the water now that surrounds me,
I jumped in to save you,
but I have,
and I didn't save a vest for me.

were just drowning together no one better off then before,
but i no longer want to commiserate together, though I'm in love with the storm.

"And I am hurt.
I am pain.
but I walk with raw emotions,
like tethered strings,
wrapped 'round this heart.
and I am strength;
mindless in pursuit.
I walk. I wander.
Knowing what I want,
unsure of your desire.

I'm a puppet on a string,
and you're the unknowing master.

I sing symphonies in my sleep,
driving passion effortlessly.

and as this war rages,
I throw my body in front of you,
with out thought.
Just the rhythm of my love for you,
ringing in my ears.

And there are holes in me,
and it is how it should be.

One thing I regret,
that I failed to make you see,
hang up the strings love,
this is my offering."

"and you don't know what I look like,
when I'm not in love with you."

how true is that for me,
there are days I remember so clearly,
no dry eyes, wise guy,
but you and me i see what we were,
what I thought we'd become to be,
and other days I gaze out not understanding what it was that brought me there,
not understanding the who and was when I was with you,
how did i feel so complete when you were completely lacking,
im not talking about the things you warned me you were packing,
but what it was that ate at you,
dry bones,
and whiskey,
i don't know how you could have left me,
i supported the world you ran,
and i am just another atlas carrying around the boulder of a lost lover,
roll over.
turn over.
start over.
over and over,
these are the things that play strings on my heart beat,
and my hearts beating,
no thanks to you.
I'm left with mashed potato memories,
lines across my lips, of lies you left there for me.

I drop the words down,
can you reach them?
they spill up and over these chapped lips,
and I, I cannot control the flow,
I beg you make sense of me,
read between these lines,
makes sense of my hands,
my gestures give hints to you,
read my sweaty palms,
look at this jumble of propositions,
and agitated adjectives,
they used to read pig intestines,
to predict the fates.
It's not a mistake I promise you,
look at me a mess in a dress,
moving to fast to order these words,
to line up and make a sense.

and I sit you stand,
there's water racing down to the tile,
I wonder what the water gets to feel,
your dripping but you don't seem to mind,
you shudder and I look away,
I am afraid  to touch you,
I'm not sure I know how,
darkness cloaks the world outside,
but I still see you,
broken,
bruised,
bleeding,
you seem to shadow the things I hide,
and use this love you will,
but I don't breathe when you touch me,
I cant formulate thought,
I want to save you but I 'm drowning in emotion,
not enough for what you need,
you say,
nonchalantly,
"*******. m.e."
I tell you I haven't.
though I imagine she's a nice girl.
I avoid the command choosing to ignore your desire,
and squander  mine,
I don't know how to love you,
I just do,
why would you stay if it was in your power,
you opened a door,
I closed it, to afraid of the feelings that lurk,
on the edges of this fragile heart,
i keep you in the almost pile,
and maybe i was just your draft,
and under a starlit sanctuary,
with only hands to guides us maybe we too could be among,
the lost things.

and she  breaks me down,
with consistency her ,
and I chose the path of weakness,
I fought so hard for love,
not meant for me,
and I struggled against the marriage of  insecurities in my reality.
_________________­___

and this truth lays,
between us,
like the valley of the dead,
whose dreams have withered up and died.
__________________­__

I get lost in you're memory,
as I think,
I wrap your love around me,
closer than my skin,
and there are tears,
till all I have left is a d.u.l.l. ache.
Only remembering loss,
blindsided by the raging emotion,
and damage wrought to an unprotected heart.